Extraterrestrially Inebriated, Social Media Monstrosity, Space Spouse

On July 8, 2023, we celebrate the 76th anniversary of America’s most famous UFO story: The Roswell Incident. That’s when in 1947, rancher W.W. “Mac” Brazel discovered wreckage from an illegally parked flying saucer on his remote ranch just outside of the municipality of Conspiracyville, or “Corona, NM.” (Note to purists: Mac actually found the extraterrestrial debris field on July 6, but his mechanical horse ran out of petrol coming into town to report it.)

Since that time, one billion million UFO sightings have been reported, some even sober. That’s right — according to the National UFO Reporting Center™ (located in Washington State, where I live and see alien spacecraft ALL THE TIME), statistics suggest these reports are made by…drunk people. According to The Economist, “The National UFO Reporting Center receives tens of thousands reported sightings of UFOs, with the majority happening on Fridays, in the West, and during…drinking hours.” (See official-looking graph.)

In an article in The Atlantic, journalist Derek Thompson presents his theories: “Utah, the state with the lowest beer consumption by far, has a higher share of UFO sitings than North Carolina, the state with the highest beer consumption. Washington, the state where you’re most likely to report a UFO, drinks less alcohol than all but six states. It’s plausible that people don’t see UFOs while they’re working or sleeping because they’re working indoors and completely unconscious.”

So while we crack six or more tall boys and stumble outside during prime time UFO viewing hours and submit our Happy Hour sightings at the top of our lungs to the NURC™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-movies that may or may not be made better by drinking…

MEAN SPIRITED February 27, 2023 (VOD)

“After receiving an invitation to his estranged friend’s mountain cottage, a wannabe vlogger aims to bury the hatchet with their now-celebrity friend who isn’t quite himself anymore.”

Social Media Horror [ soh-shuhl mee-dee-uh hawr-er ] / noun, stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est. Tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless; annoying or irritating.

STATIC CODES / June 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A man’s wife was abducted by aliens 10 years ago during a car accident which left him paralyzed from the waist down. Given up on life, he has become consumed with only one mission: finding his wife.”

Why?

THE HOUSE AMONG TREES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A hybrid of modern crime fiction and classic horror story, The House Among The Trees follows three low-level burglars who accidentally uncover a small town’s dark secrets after breaking into a secluded house.”

All small towns have dark secrets, some darker than others. For instance, the dark secret in my small town is…ME.

THE GRANDMOTHER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Susana must leave her life working as a model in Paris and return home to Madrid after she learns that her grandmother Pilar — who raised her as her own after her parents died — has had a cerebral hemorrhage. Upon returning home, Susana attempts to find a long-term caretaker for Pilar, but what should be just a few days ends up becoming a genuine nightmare after Susana notices Pilar start to act strangely.”

If I needed a caregiver, I’d want it to be a Parisian supermodel. That would make me hemorrhage…but not in the cerebellum.

Desk-Sized Horror, Alien Hot Dogs, Upsetting Sandworms

Neil Frasier is a British multi-award winning poster, key and book cover artist. I, to date, am not. Nowhere near jealous, but rather bitch-ass envious over his meticulously-detailed art, showing up on such literary film works as Werewolves Within and Manfish, to Fangs vs. Spurs and Penny & The Poppies. (Hey, don’t knock the movie — it rocks. Or, at least it would if you were a pre-teen girl. Hater.)

As featured on his website NFG (Neil Frasier Graphics), are the just-released desktop series, depicting desk-sized posters of Aliens, Ghostbusters, Jaws and Home Alone, which I doubt I’ll buy because the movie had just too many distracting plot holes to be completely enjoyable.

The cost for these premium-printed posters (pre-tax/shipping) is 20£ British poundage or $24.348 U.S. dollarinis (more for the larger sizes). Each of these suitable-to-look-at posters come in four paper specs, two US: 17” x 11” and 24” x 16” and two British: A2 (“23.38 x 16.53”) and A3 (16.53” x 11.69”). Weirdo copy machines in England are f’d in the paper tray.

While you try and figure out what tax and shipping is to the States (I gave up), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rock as much as Penny & The Poppies…

THE GHOST LIGHTS / Out now (Tubi)

“A journalist returns home after the death of her father and discovers a cassette tape describing mysterious lights appearing in the skies of West Texas. She sets out on a cross-state road trip to discover the truth.”

What’s a “cassette tape”? As with the ghost lights, that must be something of extraterrestrial origin, like the Internet or foot-long hot dogs.

WITCHES OF THE SANDS / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“The World’s First Post-Modern, Blood-Drenched, Monster-Flying, Ghost-Hunting, Folk Horror, Southern-Gothic B-Movie.”

They had me at “The.”

THE DREADED BALLERINAS/ January 23, 2023 (VOD)

“An odd traveler named Nice Eyes walks the streets and deserts of Utah as his mind, body and soul deteriorate into a far more primitive state.”

Utah? Yep, he turned into a Mormon.

DUNE: PART TWO / November 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“Follow the mythic journey of Paul Atreides as he unites with Chani and the Fremen while on a warpath of revenge against the conspirators who destroyed his family. Facing a choice between the love of his life and the fate of the known Universe, Paul endeavors to prevent a terrible future only he can foresee.”

Loved Dune: Part One (2021), but those mega-giant sandworms that swim in sand of all things, really gooned me out. Was unable to eat foot-long hot dogs for at least a week after watching the movie for the first of seven times. Traumatized, I was.

Alien Ranchers, Ghost Tours, Orc Police

According to the New York Post, the “alien-infested” ranch (located in Rainbow Valley, about an hour or “60 minutes” west of Phoenix, AZ) is on the market for a mere $5,000,000.00. Chump change, in other words. Why would I dare say that? Who wouldn’t want aliens dropping by for a sittin’ down gabfest?

Known officially as Stardust Ranch, this extraterrestrial pit stop is where land owner John Edmonds insists he’s engaged in “I know you are but what am I?” confrontation with hostile aliens, whom he dispatched with (wait for it)…a Samurai sword. Edmonds said that in the past 20 years, he has experienced many “strange events” involving aliens and claims to have killed more than a dozen extraterrestrials on his sprawling ranch. (He even has alien bloodstains on his front porch to prove it.)

Sound familiar? It should — this is practically a direct lift from Sherman Ranch, aka Skinwalker Ranch, located a few rock throws from southeast Ballard, UT. The story was the basis for the Skinwalker Ranch movie, released in 2013. That one not only had not-so-neighborly aliens trespassing through land mines of cow/horse patties (yo, space dudes — you ever hear of wiping your feet?), but UFO sightings (duh — the aliens had to get there somehow), crop circles (see “cow/horse patties”), ghosts, glowing orbs and even a Bigfoot-esque creature. (In the movie it was a werewolf.)

So ridiculously enticing is this place, it was purchased (or “bought”) by the National Institute for Discovery Science to “study anecdotal sightings.” I should like to apply for a job with the National Institute for Discovery Science.

While they process my 400-page résumé, here are a few just-released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave animal business tracks on your carpet or “floor”…

THE UFO CONCLUSION (available now/VOD)
“What is the alien agenda? And why has the government gone to such great lengths to stifle the overwhelming evidence that otherworldly creatures exist? Some of our greatest minds unveil the truth behind this massive cover-up.”

Don’t need a massive mind to know the existence of aliens has been covered up by REPUBLICANS for decades. Still, nice to see somebody besides a drunk redneck talk in complete sentences about extraterrestrials.

RAVENSWOOD (available now/VOD)
“When four American tourists go on a ghost tour, they get much more than they bargained when the spirits of an evil doctor and his last victim trap them in an old abandoned psychiatric ward.”

Um, when you go on a hot dog farm tour, you pretty much expect to see hot dog trees, yes? So it stands to reason a ghost tour is gonna have some transparent entities. They better — I’d hate to pay all that money and not see one. (I’m looking in your direction, Hot Dog Farm Tours.)

INCIDENT IN A GHOST LAND (October 28, 2017)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. Sixteen years later the daughters reunite at the house — and that is when things get strange.”

So they give away mom was killed, simply by telling us the intruders were “murderous.” Thanks, jerks. Wonder if mom’s ghost comes back to see her daughters when they go back to the murder house?

BRIGHT (December, 2017/Netflix)
“In an alternate present day, humans, orcs, elves and fairies have been coexisting since the beginning of time. Two police officers, one a human, the other an orc, embark on a routine night patrol that will alter the future of their world as they know it. Battling both their own personal differences as well as an onslaught of enemies, they must work together to protect a young female elf and a thought-to-be-forgotten relic, which, in the wrong hands, could destroy everything.”

They had me at the forgotten relic that could destroy everything. Word around the grocery aisles is that the budget for this Netflix™-made movie is $90 million fun bucks. Pffft — I could make TWO movies for that price and STILL have enough left over to take a tour of that Hot Dog Farm.

Neighborhood Gorillas, Lady Krampus, Rappin’ Snakes

Ammon Smith of Salt Lake City, Utah knows how to throw down for Halloween. This year he built — using wooden boxes, chicken wire, trash bags, black fabric and pool noodles (I don’t know what those are, but they sound cool) and paint — to create a massive King Kong Halloween display in his front yard. No word on whether or not he’s handing out screaming citizens instead of candy.

With “Kong” clutching a Barbie doll and battling bi-planes, clearly, we all want Ammon, a 33 year-old woodworker, to live in our neighborhood. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, it took Ammon 80 to 100 hours to complete the ultimate Halloween yard decoration. That’s about how many hours a week I lay around watching monster movies. Just think of what I could create for my yard on Halloween if I got off my unmotivated booty instead of turning my couch into a Jell-O™ mold of my entire body. (The comfortable sitting device kinda looks like a pod from Invasion of the Body Snatchers/1956).

While we bask in our own jealousy that we didn’t do anything nearly as cool to commemorate Halloween, here are a few just released horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries to help pull us out of our collective shame spiral…

HAUNTERS: ART OF THE SCARE (available now)
“Haunters is a heart-warming and heart-stopping documentary about people who sacrifice everything to create the most popular and polarizing haunted houses for Halloween — from boo-scare mazes to a controversial new subculture of extreme terror experiences.”

Fun stuff, although I’m partial to real haunted houses with real ghosts, mostly because you don’t have to pay to get in. That, and there’s something kinda liberating to soil one’s britches in public after having the groceries scared outta you. Okay, I probably said too much.

MEATBALL MACHINE: KODOKU (available now)
“A lonely man’s life is thrown into chaos when alien parasites turn a city’s average citizens into kill-crazy cyborg creatures.”

If you saw Meatball Machine (2005), let’s just hope you’re not a vegetarian, otherwise this hyper-gory sequel might make you decorate your Old Navy™ shirt with recycled beef stroganoff.

MOTHER KRAMPUS (November 7, 2017/DVD)
“For the 12 days before the Christmas of 1921, children went missing near the local towns woods. A traumatized girl was found, but her mind had gone – she later died of her horrific injuries. Just before the Christmas of 1992, a further five children disappeared again. Their bodies were found in the same woods. Angry and seeking vengeance, the locals hung a woman they believed to be the killer. But before dying, she cursed the town that one day the Christmas Witch, Frau Perchta, would come for them to avenge her death. 25 years later, the story has become little more than a local myth. But as children start to go missing again, everyone begins to wonder if the tales of a curse might be true. This Christmas it’s not only the children that are in danger, it’s the adults too.”

A woman Krampus. Seems kinda redundant as lots of women (and me) turn into “monsters” when they get “crampuses” during certain periods (sorry) of their life. As for the plot, all they did was switch out the old woman (example: see Darkness Falls/2003 with the “tooth fairy” coming back for revenge) and let hilarity ensue.

SNAKE OUTTA COMPTON (2018)
“A young rap group suddenly finds themselves up against a giant, mutated snake that threatens to destroy their search for stardom. Aided by two corrupt cops, a crazed gangster, and a mad scientist, the band has one thing to do before getting the record deal they need; get that motherf**kin’ snake outta Compton! Prepare yourself for dope ass beats, unfriendly fire, and the biggest, nastiest snake you’ve ever seen in this outrageous satire of creature features, urban gangster films, and hip hop culture.”

Just when you think no one can come up with a snappy horror movie name. Snake Outta Compton might very well get title of the year. I just hope rap icon/legend Ice Cube makes a cameo.

Wrecker: Tab-Expired Horror

It’s always painful to see Hollywood to run so dry of ideas that they shell out good pocket coupons to produce cheap/cheesy horror like Wrecker (releasing November 6, 2015): “Best friends Emily and Lesley go on a road trip to the desert. When Emily decides to get off the highway and take a ‘short cut,’ they become the target of a relentless and psychotic trucker who forces them to play a deadly game of cat and mouse.”

Not only is Wrecker NOT an original idea with a crappy title, who would pay to see a movie what you can see on a freeway any day of the week?

Wrecker’s plot is a direct lift from Stephen Spielberg’s Duel (1971), in which McCloud (or “Dennis Weaver”) is relentlessly pursued across dirty desert back roads by a 18-wheeler driven by a malevolent invisible trucker.

This was mimicked by Elliot Silverstein’s The Car in 1977, in which Amityville Horror’s James Brolin goes up against a possessed black car that “vroom-thump-thumps” anyone brave enough to use a crosswalk in Utah.

And picking up the pieces and running with that, who could forget Christine, the 1983 Stephen King horror movie that featured a “body by Chrysler, soul by Satan” ’58 Plymouth Fury that could return to showroom condition after being engulfed in flames and making griddle cakes out of thugs.

Then came Maximum Overdrive (another Stephen King adapted movie) in 1986 that not only turns a huge truck (with Spider-Man’s bestie the Green Goblin’s face on the front grill) into a “devastation wagon,” but anything mechanical that held a grudge against their human slave masters. (Can opener: “Take that, you opposable digit oppressors!”)

Let us not forget the Australian Road Train (aka, Road Kill), which came out in 2010. In that one the monster truck is a rolling grindhouse, running on the goop left over after it throws you in the back and food processes you into energy-efficient goop. (They got this idea from 2007’s really funny dark horror comedy, Blood Car.)

While we’re on the subject of all things vehicular homicidal, there’s the “destined for the junk yard” Super Hybrid (2010) that had a souped up Prius™-y type hybrid not yielding to the right of way of pedestrians.

Want more? There’s plenty out there – especially on the freeway.

Dead Sea

Hard to not be a fan of water-based horror movies. The ocean, as it turns out, is full of awesome life-hurting creatures, like Dinocrocs and Sharktopuses, all designed to make you ruin your bathing suit. So it is with great anticipation I look forward to Dead Sea, arriving on the outdated DVD platform April 15, 2014.

OK, so everything about Dead Sea seems generic, from the title (how about H2O-Noooo!?), to the DVD cover art (yet another chick in a bikini moments prior to being devoured – see Piranha 3D / 2010 and spin around from there), the kicker line: “It’s Feeding Time” (how about: “You’ll Wet Yourself”?), to the plot: “A marine biologist is thrust into the violent paranoia surrounding a town preparing for the return of a legendary serpentine creature.” All “meh” stuff. But c’mon – sea monster!

But judging by Dead Sea’s art, the monster’s mouth (at least I hope that’s its mouth) looks suspiciously similar to the alien octopus creature(s) in the hysterically cool Grabbers (2012), in which a coastal Irish fishing village defends themselves from sea monsters by getting as drunk as possible. (The creatures react to booze like vampires do to garlic. They must be from Utah.)

A great primer for multi-tentacled mega creatures of the deep is 1954’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, based on a novel (book with extra pages) by sci-fi fantasy author Jules Verne and adapted by Disney™, a corporation long known as being a monster factory.

Anyway, regardless of Dead Sea’s perceived shortcomings, I will dive headfirst into this ocean of terror – and this time I might even wear someone’s swim suit.