More Megalodons, AI Sci-Fi, Cutlery Kids

As mystically foretold on my May 9, 2023 blogging, here are three more/new ad sheets for Meg 2: The Trench, these coming from the incredibly prolific Xin Yi Lian, whose done countless movie art, including Time Raiders, Journey to the West: Reincarnation of the Demon King, and the 2021 Chinese 3D animated fantasy action film, Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng. I don’t know what that means.

The new art — like the movie’s trailer — promises more giant and super mean creatures from the bottom of the ocean, including a kaiju-esque Kraken (Seattle hockey franchise AND big squid) and THREE megs. Releasing on August 4, 2023, Meg 2: The Trench looks to chew up and sh*t out the summer box office competition.

So while we wait for even more Meg 2 movie posters (there were 26 for the first movie), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as easily pronounceable as Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng…

TRANSMUTATORS / Out now (VOD)

“Set in a time when mutants and behemoth alien warriors have come to a rule, a rebel group of survivors must embrace mega fighting machines to take on intergalactic invaders threatening humanity. 

This Filipino science fiction action film, or “movie”, was originally called Resiklo, which translates to Recycle. Given the photocopied plot plot, that sounds about right…

THE CREATOR / September 29, 2023 (Theaters)

“Amid a future war between the human race and the forces of Artificial Intelligence, Joshua, a hardened ex-special forces agent grieving the disappearance of his wife, is recruited to hunt down and kill the Creator, the elusive architect of advanced AI who has developed a mysterious weapon with the power to end the war — and mankind itself.”

The Terminator is listed as one of the screenwriters.

HORRORSCOPE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of college friends who, after getting their horoscopes read, begin dying in ways connected to their fortunes. Are their fates fatal or can they change what’s written in the stars?”

So college friends begin dying and it’s asked if their fates are fatal? Who wrote this — a college student? 

TIME OF MOULTING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a small town in 1970s West Germany, Stephanie is raised by two parents who have no business having children. The mother, never far from despair-induced collapse, suffers from an unspecified medical condition — one both mental and physical. The father makes it clear that he has no patience for his daughter Young Stephanie takes solace in exploring the mysteries hidden away in the increasingly untidy house, particularly the trunk full of her grandfather’s butcher’s equipment; older Stephanie takes far more sinister comfort in the tools found therein.”

Say what you will about kids playing with butcher tools — at least it keeps ’em away from drugs.

Raising New Hell, Horror Livestreamed, Devil Stuff

The must-have Halloween mask this year is Stranger Thing’s Vecna, the cosmetically-challenged super scary mean guy from the Upside-Down. (How does he keep from spilling his cocktails in there?) The rubber headpiece sells for $42.99 (minus tax offering), but it comes in classic Vecna, Blue Vecna and Short Vecna (no neck, just head). It’s made of Latex™, which means it’ll feel like a condom stretched over your face. Eeeew!

No full body costume, either, so you’ll have to dehydrate yourself to the point where your ribs are sticking out (okay, don’t do that) and grow your own tentacles.

While you’re not doing that, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you bone-dry…

HELLRAISER / October 7, 2022 / Hulu™

“A young woman struggling with addiction comes into possession of an ancient puzzle box, unaware that its purpose is to summon the Cenobites, a group of sadistic supernatural beings from another dimension.”

An updating of one of the greatest romance movies of all time. This go-around, the icon Pinhead is being portrayed by a female. (So, do we call her “Hairpinhead?” Heh.) All comedy gold aside, a refreshing spin on Clive Barker’s rent-payer. 

DEADSTREAM / October 6, 2022 / Shudder™

“A disgraced internet personality attempts to win back his followers by livestreaming one night alone in a haunted house. But when he accidentally pisses off a vengeful spirit, his big comeback event becomes a real-time fight for his life.”

I do live-streaming, too, but mostly in my bathroom. Mostly. Interesting plot that combines a classic horror scenario contemporized with one of those ubiquitous social media morons. If he dies (and he better), you’re invited to livestream all over his grave.

PREY FOR THE DEVIL / October 28, 2022 / Theaters

“In response to a global rise in demonic possessions, the Catholic Church reopens exorcism schools to train priests in the Rite of Exorcism. On this spiritual battlefield, an unlikely warrior rises: a young nun, Sister Ann. Although nuns are forbidden to perform exorcisms, a professor recognizes Sister Ann’s gifts and agrees to train her. Thrust onto the spiritual frontline with fellow student Father Dante, Sister Ann finds herself in a battle for the soul of a young girl (who Sister Ann believes is possessed by the same demon that tormented her own mother years ago), and soon realizes the Devil has her right where he wants her…and it wants in.”

This sounds exactly like the Sister Anne from the MC5’s 1971 proto-metal song of the same name — and the lyrics match the movie’s plot: “She’s got a heart of gold / Gonna save a bitch’s soul / From goin’ down Satan’s hot way…” Man, those guys were way out in front of the trad jazz Catholic Church.

GRIMCUTTY / October 10, 2022 / Hulu™

“A scary internet meme called “Grimcutty” stirs up panic amongst all the parents in town, convinced it’s making their kids harm themselves and others. When a real-life version of Grimcutty starts attacking teen Asha Chaudry, her parents believe that she’s cutting herself as part of a challenge. With her phone taken away and no one who believes her, Asha has to figure out how to get through to her parents and stop the Grimcutty once and for all.”

How Emo. Reminds me of the old joke, “If my lawn was Emo, it’d cut itself.” That’s still a real pant-filler. My advice to Asha is to quit wasting time on her parents — and listening to Dashboard Confessional.

TERMINATOR VS PREDATOR / Unknown

“A Terminator from the future gets in to-the-death bitchslap with one ‘o those super mean Predator guys.”

I made up that plot, but what else could it be? Calling bull-dookey on this one as it smacks of fan-made, albeit, very cool fan-made. Thanks for making me waste time chasing this down, whoever did it. 

Robots Don’t Heart Humans

In the future where dirt burns and pollution makes your nose and eyes runny, you’ll live in a city encased in a big glass bubble to keep the stink air out. The area outside – a parking lot wasteland – is patrolled by Matrix-esque flying machine probes that shoot spiky knives into your pillowy human flesh.

While androids are generally used to do the crap work humans don’t wanna get off the couch to do (“Yo, Terminator – get me another future beer…”), the uppity machines are secretly working on a way to take over the bubble and eliminate the stink humans. They’re doing this by removing human brain juice and syncing it up with android juice to create the perfect android. (If human anything is involved, not much perfect.)

Robots want to kill off the humans so that they can use their parts and become human themselves. I call this the Radio Shack Gone Wild theory.

The plot of Android Apocalypse (2006) samples shamelessly from The Fortress (1992), the blood is green (kind of a luminous avocado), WWE™ superstar Chris Jericho punches faces, and the fight scenes (see “Chris Jericho”) somewhat joyful. The only female android, however, does not take off her mecha-blouse.

Sci-fi has become so watered down these days.