Archive for Montana

Vampire Volcanoes, Christmas Zombies, Kaiju Sequels

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Van Helsing

Feeling super dissed about the TV series Van Helsing basing their vampire outbreak/resurgence on a super volcano (or “caldera”) that goes off in Yellowstone, which spans Wyoming, parts of Montana and Idaho. In the series’ second show the volcano pops its top and leaves a “black rain” of gunky ash all over Seattle and blocking out the sun, thus vampires. This is due to the direction the wind was blowing at the time the volcano was doing the same thing.

Super Volcano

The thing that really sets my pyroclastic flow a’flowin’ is that we already have FIVE volcanoes within GoPro™ distance from downtown Seattle, the two most notable being Mt. Rainier (where flying saucers were first spotted flying in carnival formation in 1947), and the feisty Mount St. Helens, which went off back in May 18 of 1980, and has been declared as “the most disastrous volcanic eruption in United States history.”

To the best of my knowledge, neither volcano unleashed a vampiric plague on this or any other city, and eventually the world — but they COULD HAVE. Why give all the credit to Yellowstone, which is 739.5 miles away (via I-90 West), when we can practically hitchhike to our own dang volcanoes? They can have all the Sharknados they want, but any plague/vampire/zombie/chapped lipped outbreak should come from here, not some overpriced park nearly 1,000 miles away.

Until I can form a formal rally against Yellowstone (feel free to donate to the cause), you can pass the time waiting for a vampire outbreak with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

Volumes of Blood: Horror Stories

VOLUMES OF BLOOD: HORROR STORIES (available now)
“The story of this one centers around a young couple checking out a house for sale and taking the grand and gory tour given by a sketchy real estate agent. As they go through each room of the house, we’re able to see through flashbacks, the horrors that once unfolded and burned into the house’s horrible history. If those walls could talk, they wouldn’t; They would be traumatically catatonic. Each tragedy is associated with a holiday or some sort of special day which gives great context of each story.”

Love the premise. If my walls could talk, they’d probably tell me to give ’em a new coat of paint. Note to stupid walls: go sand yourself.

Amsterdamned

AMSTERDAMNED (August 29, 2017)
“A half-mad scuba diver hiding in Amsterdam’s labyrinthine canal system embarks on a rampage of gruesome murders, terrifying city officials and leaving few clues for the city’s best detective, who doesn’t suspect that both his new girlfriend and 12 year-old daughter may be closer than he is to finding the killer.”

Half-mad scuba diver should tell you everything you need to know about this cookie cutter Dutch-made slasher flick, which came out in its native zip code back in 1988. Now you can dog paddle watching it for the first time in the U.S. when it gets its official release here with all the bells and whistles. It’s aged about as well as me.

Anna And The Apocalypse

ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE (Scotland/2017)
“Anna’s life is dominated by the typical concerns of her youthful peers until the Christmas season in her small town brings not Santa, but an outbreak of the undead in this genre-mashing holiday horror musical.”

There it is — two words that should never be paired to describe a movie: horror musical. The holiday undead? Fine. Everything else? All yours, Scotland.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

PACIFIC RIM: UPRISING (new release date: March 23, 2018)
“It has been 10 years since The Battle of the Breach and the oceans are still, but restless. Vindicated by the victory at the Breach, the Jaeger program has evolved into the most powerful global defense force in human history. The PPDC now calls upon the best and brightest to rise up and become the next generation of heroes when the Kaiju threat returns.”

Finally the official plot, though I believe the above key art is fan made (check out the movie’s release date — FAIL) and not issued officially. (If you’re gonna have giant monsters fighting giant robots, I’m thinkin’ you may wanna include that in some form or fashion.) Disclosure: I’ve been a part of the Jaeger program every since downing my first shot. Drinking a bottle of Jaegermeister™ makes me wanna fight giant monsters and…well, pretty much anything that looks at me sideways. (I’m gunning for that stupid table lamp that always seems to be mocking me.)

Bigfoot? What a Load of Hogwash!

Posted in Bigfoot, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Bigfoot

The Legend of Bigfoot (1976) is less a Bigfoot faux documentary and more of a nature film as animatedly narrated by renowned animal tracker Ivan Marx, who was hired to track down my BFF (Big Footed Friend) and kill him within an inch of his life.

There are so many unintentionally hilarious comments made by Ivan, who tracks the migratory (!)  Bigfoot from Montana all the way to the Arctic Circle, this could qualify as a comedy. When Ivan finally catches up to Bigfoot, the “monster” is shown run limping, due to polio, as he surmises. Flippin’ knee slapping, that one. And his ongoing commentary is full of bellyaching about money and how before he sees the monster with his own eyeballs, regards Bigfoot as a “bunch of hogwash.” How dare he?

The Legend of Bigfoot

But the pay-off is when Ivan deduces Bigfoot and friends (Bigfeet Dynasty) migrate north every year to the Arctic Circle, and now knowing this, can stay one big footed step ahead and theoretically catch one.

Simple math will tell you Ivan has been smoking too many pine cones; for a Bigfoot – whether with travel companions or not – to walk to the top of the world, where I’m sure there are plentiful chilled penguins to eat – because, god forbid, one gets tired of eating healthy and delicious eating range-free nuts and berries, deer bacon and bear blubber in the warm sunshine of Montana – there’s 1,381 miles of blurry photo ops in-between.

The Legend of Bigfoot

Here’s the equation: walking normally at 1.4 m.p.h. non-stop for eight hours a day, it’d take you the better part if a year just to get there, slightly less if you wear a size 23 shoe. Once at the A.C., snack on a few penguins, get in a little skiing, talk smack to some uppity polar bears, wipe your ice hole, then take almost another year to get back to town. Annual trek? Not so much.

The Legend of Bigfoot

So yeah, Ivan – you need to tweak your theory. Other than that, The Legend of Bigfoot, with the intrepid hunter zooming around in a red Volkswagon (not making that up), is merely a nature film with bone-headed narration and some blurry footage of Bigfoot, who only shows up three times. Maybe he was at home planning his next winter vacation.

The Legend of Bigfoot

P.S. Do not embarass yourself by confusing The Legend of Bigfoot with Sasquatch, the Legend of Bigfoot (1975), which came out the year before. To do so would make people not unlike myself publicly shun you.