African Loch Ness Monster

A helicopter carrying a famed British cryptozoologist explorer with a cool adventure hat, a guide, a hot chick, a two-man film crew, and the guy’s 15 year-old stowaway son are taken out by prehistoric flying reptiles, one of which gets a taste of modern technology by the chopper blades. They were on their way over Africa to research — and film — dinosaurs, specificially Mokele mnembe (river monster), reported to be thriving deep in the unexplored jungle where no 7-Eleven™ dare sets up shop.

Those not killed in the crash get eaten by the bat-like birds, one of which is the hottie female assistant. I think she had three lines before her chewy death. Enough for an IMBD.com credit, I suppose.

With all communications equipment crunched, the survivors plod through the jungle and down a river in search of a 7-Eleven™ and safety. Good plan — too bad it doesn’t work. Mokele mnembe shows up to flip the boats and have some land sushi. “It’s the African version of the Loch Ness monster, but more plausible” declares the explorer, whose hat never comes off, even when battling river monsters.

This is all filmed with a bunch of GoPro™ cameras that the 15 year-old kid brings. (He has seven, none of which runs out of juice and always seems to stay in focus.) He manages to strap one on to a small raptor to see where it goes. (He feed it candy to gain its trust. That trick always works with me as well.)

The small group of leapin’ lizards are remotely viewed on an iPad™ going into a grotto and into the secret valley where all the dinosaurs do their business. Unfortunately, the explorer’s “right hand man,” who never gets any of the TV glory, goes rogue and tries to kill the boy, pushing him down the dino-hole. Fortunately, the GoPros™ are still going pro.

The Dinosaur Project (2012) is actually not as dumb as you’d imagine. A mash-up of The Land That Time Forgot (1975), The People That Time Forgot (1977), Journey to the Center of the Earth, (2008), Land of the Lost (2009) and Jurassic Park (1993), the monsters look fairly convincing, the “found footage” is found and tells the whole story about the dinoaurs and the hat always stays on the head. Although it probably came off after going over that cliff. Oh, snap — did I just spoil the party?

P.S. Full Discolsure — I previewed this one back on October 14 of 2011. My neighbor was being a dick that day that day. But as the film had as yet to be released, the promo pics showed dino-monsters that never made it to the final cut. So I’m legally off the hook for that misrepresentation. And to that I say “whew!”

Zombie ReZort

The ReZort, which is also being advertised as Generation Z (both dumb) is YET ANOTHER zombie movie wherein people pay to hunt and shoot zombies in a controlled and monitored environment. We already know how this is gonna end.

Here’s the plot: “The Rezort sets its story in a world after an almost-apocalyptic zombie outbreak. Humans have won the war and are exploring how humanity can recover after such a huge percentage of the population has been wiped out.”

“Humankind finally has the upper hand, but Melanie, who lost her entire family, is still deeply traumatized. In a bid to overcome the demons of her past, she goes on a zombie safari retreat. It is the ultimate in therapeutic revenge.”

Man, the undead cannot get a break these days. But I do like the idea of a zombie safari retreat. Most of those comes with snack bars with you as the snack. Heh.

Of course the system goes down and the zombies escape and go on the snack attack. A few horror movie blogs are comparing The ReZort to Jurassic Park. Perhaps. However, try the 1973 sci-fi classic Westworld, where you pay to go to an Old West “town” and have shoot outs with  robot cowboy criminals dressed in black. All is good until the system goes down and the robot cowboy criminals start firing back.

Robot cowboy criminals are highly entertaining. Zombies – massively overdone and over used – not so much anymore.

P.S. No official release date yet for The ReZort. This gives them time to come up with a less crappy ad poster.

The Tooth Is Out There

In the plaintively titled Sabertooth (2002), YET ANOTHER science lab is doing YET ANOTHER genetic experiment on prehistoric DNA samples. Everybody used to copy Alien (1979), Now they just copy Jurassic Park (1993). Oh sure, they’ll figure out how to grow a sabretooth tiger in a mayonnaise jar, but they can’t cure a hangover. Why do we keep giving scientists tax breaks and new white coats?

Of course the tiger gets loose and goes into the woods to crap and eat people. Not necessarily in that order. Enter David Keith, a no-nonsense big game hunter hired by the lab to bring the prehistoric cat back alive. Easier theorized than accomplished. To add color (red) to the linear plot, a team of camp counseling trainees go into the woods to learn how to keep underprivileged kids from being eaten by punk rock bears or wood sharks. We’ll call these people “appetizers.”

The visually pleasing Vanessa Angel works for the lab and is protecting the sabretooth so that she can reap lots of taxable income. But David Keith wants to kill that toothy furball because its been killing everyone else. This is what we call a conflict of interest.

One of the trainees has two large knives, which he uses to sword fight the sabretooth. For that he deserves to die. And he does. Outside of Keith, everyone deserves to die. And they do. As for the sabretooth tiger, while it might be able to brush its teeth easily since they’re hanging out of its mouth, the rest of the digitally-made beast isn’t even cool enough to be a stuffed animal at the county fair where you have to knock over three milk bottles with lead weights in ’em to win. That game is totally rigged.

Dinosaurs – Past and Present

Jurassic World, the upcoming sequel is the ground-breaking Jurassic Park (1993), The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997) and Jurassic Park III (2001), wherein prehistoric dinosaurs were regrown in a lab and let loose on a modern world. How did the scientists do this? I’m thinking some sort of magic. Regardless, manipulating the gooey dino DNA resulted in rather thrilling and surprisingly realistic sci-fi action.

Jurassic World, releasing June 2015 in one billion theatres, has some long lineage dating back to 1925 with The Lost World, the first dinosaur movie. I remember that year during regressive hypnotism. Sported short hair back then, which was the style of the times. I now have long hair because I don’t give a crap about the style of the times.

But I do give a crap about dinosaur movies. (OK, that sounded a weird.) Are not rampaging dinosaurs the forefathers of guys like Godzilla, Gorgo and Reptilicus? If you watch The Lost World you can all but see a road map running through history that leads straight to contemporary mega box office monsters, most notably King Kong in 1933, which also gave birth to the first scream queen: Fay Wray. She was kinda hot. Wonder if she ever monkey’d around? Heh.

Before you go looking for The Lost World (hey, that’s kinda funny), you should know that this is a silent film. That means no audible screaming/cussing/crying/more cussing. Also, you’ll have to use your imagineering to make up dino roars. Think blowing into a tuba that’s filled with Drano™.

So Paula White, the daughter of missing famed explorer Maple White (named after syrup, one might surmise), brings dad’s journal to Professor Challenger (sounds like one of the X-Men) with proof that dinosaurs still exist – in Venezuela, of all places. A big time-y newspaper finances a “put it on the glass” expedition because hey, dinosaurs sell papers.

When the search party arrives, they encounter Bigfoot, heretofore referred to as “Ape-Man.” (Not very catchy. Grunt Grunt would be more suitable, I should think.) Grunt Grunt no like humans. Can’t say I blame him. But the explorers have bigger problems; they’re surrounded by battling beasts – an Allosaurus b*tch slaps an Edmontosaurus. A Tyrannosaurus delivers a slobber knocker to an Agathaumas, including a Pteranodon who should have kept his beak out of T-Rex’s Kool-Aid™.

Among the warring monsters, they find the leftovers of Maple. He was flattened like a pancake. (Heh.) No time to grieve – that volcano is belching up lava like last night’s Burrito El Grande Supreme. Before everyone can bail, they trap and capture an Apatosaurus and manage to get it in onboard their homeward bound (London) steamship. Turning fish into chips, all is well until they go to unload the boat and the darn dino escapes.

Romping and stomping across London Bridge, the beast’s El Grande Supreme weight causes the structure to go boom, thereby dumping Apatosaurus into whatever waterway runs underneath the bridge. Professor Challenger is sad. The monster swims away. FYI: There’s a highly unnecessary love triangle that ends in a big fat fail for one jilted Joe. The end.

So yeah, dinosaurs, past and present. I’m all in because hey, I give a crap.

This Dragon Is A Drag

In the blandly-titled Dragon Fighter (2003), a Russian scientist with a German accent is being transported to a top-secret underground lab to experiment with Jurassic Park cloning techniques. Seems they have an actual dragon from the days in the past when flying, fire-farting reptiles were part of the social system.

They revive the leapin’ lizard and it goes on a rampage, burning up the underground laboratory with all the digital effects flame he can muster. Later, the dragon pursues a helicopter, thinking its a potential booty call.

Does he get lucky? Nope. And neither will you if you watch this lazy attempt at combining sci-fi with reality.

Dirt-y Horror

Something ate an entire Indian tribe 500 years ago. And it’s highly doubtful whatever did it flossed its teeth afterward. But that something has just been “unearthed” and is hungry again.

Way out in the desert an archaeologist with a tattooed face is tracking this “thing.” The town’s sheriff is a supermodel brunette whose drinking herself into the dirt because of an f’d up bust that resulted in a little girl’s death. And another supermodel Native American is a scientist who, with the help of a microscope, determines that the DNA of this “thing” has been eating people, plants and animals since the Jurassic Park days (the point in time, not the movie).

When the monster shows itself it’s a near photocopy of the Alien. Are there no other monster ideas out there? Movie makers are more than welcome to use me as an example after a night of drinking myself into the dirt.

Guns don’t stop that thing, but uranium might. Good thing in that really small desert town they have equipment handy to extract the radioactive ore, distill it, put it in a syringe and get close enough to the monster to inject it.

Most of the action in Unearthed (2007) is done in the dark and you can’t see who’s getting their guts opened for public display. This was probably to keep the creature from being seen in its plagiaristic glory so you’d watch the rest of the movie. But hey, if you wanna waste 93 minutes, that’s your call.