Multiple Monsters, Hell For Breakfast, Evil Unshackled

Three new one-sheets for the upcoming Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. This is just a big tease as there will be piles more as we get closer to the movie’s April 12, 2024 premier. I’m already standing in line to get tickets.

Here’s the storyline thus far: “This latest entry in the Monsterverse franchise follows up the explosive showdown of Godzilla vs. Kong with an all-new cinematic adventure, pitting the almighty Kong and the fearsome Godzilla against a colossal undiscovered threat hidden within our world, challenging their very existence — and our own. The epic new film will delve further into the histories of these Titans, their origins, and the mysteries of Skull Island and beyond, while uncovering the mythic battle that helped forge these extraordinary beings and tied them to humankind forever.”

Word in the produce aisle of the grocery store is that there are going to be multiple giant monsters in GxK. This means they’re gonna have to append the definition of the word “epic” to add qualifiers such as “F*ck yeah!”, “Duuuude!” and “Full on pant-filling!”

So while we practice those phrases to get ’em down right to use at the movie theater, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be newly-defined as epic. 

SIKSA NERAKA / December 14, 2023 (Indonesia), Release pending US (2024)

One night, on their way to the opposite village without their parents knowing, Saleh and his younger siblings were swept away by a strong river current and disappeared. Saleh then woke up in another realm, the Hell that his father always talked about.”

The title translates as Hell’s Torture. That has a nice zing to it.

ANGEL BABY / December 15 (Theaters, VOD)

“Val, a loving wife and her husband Justin, move away to a remote cabin to heal from the devastating loss of their twins and to get a fresh start. Soon she senses an evil presence. After her best friend (and doctor) Chloe comes to check on her mental health, dark secrets begin to unravel. Meanwhile, Val meets a mysterious neighbor, Frank, searching for the truth, and with the help of Maggie, the owner of the local bar, she gains the strength she needs to make her final decision.”

Help from a bar owner? Don’t be stupid — take it! 

T.I.M. / January 12, 2024 (VOD)

“Abi, a prosthetics engineer, and her husband Paul adapt to a new life outside the city. Abi’s latest project, the A.I. humanoid T.I.M., initially appears as the perfect aid. Programmed to serve only her, it transforms into a perilous obsession, determined to replace Paul.”

Look at the bright side: T.I.M. will never snore, drink beer and lay on the couch all day, scratch his butt and sniff his fingers, and/or leave the lid up.

PEMUKIMAN SETAN / January 24, 2024 (Indonesia), Release pending US (VOD)

Financially desperate, Alin cajoles Gani into robbing an old house alongside friends Fitrah and Zia. Everything runs smoothly until the would-be thieves discover Sukma, a shackled woman in the basement. Presuming that she is an abused victim, they free her without knowing the dire consequences of their well-meaning actions. With the help of Urip, a paranormal trapped within, the youngsters discover to their dismay that Sukma was possessed by Mbah Sarap, a vengeful spirit. Soon, a deadly curse in Sukma’s bloodline is revealed, that can only be stopped by an ancient dagger hidden somewhere in the house.”

The title translates to The Devil’s Lair in case you were in a quandary about it. As for stopping the vengeful spirit with an ancient dagger hidden somewhere in the house, they can borrow mine. I got it off Etsy™.

The Witch is Back, The Horror of Socks, Hell Fence

In WandaVision, the hit 2021 Marvel™ TV mini-series, Agatha Harkness is a witch who masquerades as “Agnes”, nosy neighbor to Wanda and Vision (aka, Wanda Maximoff/The Scarlet Witch and that Vision guy from The Avengers). That sentence seems somehow redundant. Anyway, Agatha’s been studying magic for centuries and is maddened to see it come so naturally to Wanda. (I totally copied that off the Internet.) Because of her epic witch vs. witch dust-ups with Wanda by the show’s end, Agatha was not only the series’ breakout star, but now the headliner of the spin-off series, Agatha: Darkhold Diaries, due in 2024 on Disney+™.

But wait just a ding dong minute…wasn’t the series originally titled Agatha: House of Harkness? Yes, it was. Then it got changed to Agatha: Coven of Chaos? Ditto. And now it’s Agatha: Darkhold Diaries? Yep. Think they’ll change it yet again? Probability is high. What will I do if that happens and I freak out? I’d suggest go out and get a life.

Now that I’ve answered all your Agatha: House of Harkness FAQs, here’s a sort of description: “In the first episode we see Agatha Harkness finally break out of a spell she has been trapped in. She can’t wait to go back to her old murderous ways only to find that she is powerless. The only way forward for her is to embark on a perilous quest to get her powers back with the help of an unlikely friend or two.”

So while we all go back to studying magic until it comes naturally, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not change their titles three or four times before releasing…

SHERYL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A beauty-obsessed woman goes on a blood-soaked quest to create the perfect face after she’s dumped by her serial killer boyfriend. Meanwhile, she navigates her new relationship with the cop investigating the murders.”

She hooked up with a serial killer AND a cop? Kinky.

STITCHES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mary’s vacation hasn’t gone well. Brent and Stephanie won’t stop fighting and Teddy can’t stop smoking. Not only that, Greg and Lily haven’t arrived and Peter’s gone missing. When Mary discovers the origins of an evil witch, the mystery starts to unfold. Can Mary rise up and save her friends, or will they fall prey to the terror surrounding them? With an-all-puppet cast, featuring Michael Kane, James Franco, Seth Rogan, and Kris Handsen, it’s a one-of-a kind horror/comedy to knock your socks off!

Sock puppet horror. About time. This one’s promising “an R–rated thrill ride filled with blood, socks being maimed, electrocuted, broken, exploded and even a little bit of puppet sex.” Only a little bit?

SPIRIT DOLL / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“After recovering from the mental pressure of a divorce caused by her husband Darius’s extramarital affair plus the accident that took the life of her daughter, Dara Blue, an actress known as the queen of horror, returns to the entertainment stage, via her latest film Puppet Spirits. One day, the doll used in Puppet Spirits appears in front of Dara’s house. Even though at first it seems odd, Dara feels her deceased daughter’s figure via the doll. Dara treats the doll as her own child, as do those who take care of the ‘spirit doll’. Along with that, terror after terror haunted the people who tried to awaken Dara from her ‘insanity’.”

If someone left a possessed doll in front of my house, I’d call the cops. After I changed my britches.

HOME SWEET HOME REBIRTH / Release pending 2024 (Theaters, VOD, Bangkok)

“During a deadly mall shooting a cop named Jake is thrust into an alternate realm called ‘The Hindrance’. With the help of a mysterious novice monk, Jake must race the clock to save his wife Prang, and stop an evil occultist, Mek from opening the Gates of Hell.”

There’s never a lock on the Gates of Hell. In fact, there’s a sign that says “Open 24 hours 7 Days a Week.” Convenient.

Wall of Horror, Evil Stuffings, Vampires Aplenty

If you’re looking for really unique horror/sci-fi themed gifts to get me this holiday season, hop, click and jump on over to HeroComplex.com (shortcut here) and peruse their online gallery of fantastic/fantastical art prints that are sure to make me happy.

Most of these incredible limited edition illustrations are reasonably-priced from $20 to $50 with some available in two suitable-for-framing sizes: 16”x24” and 24”x36”. This is perfect as I can tear down my signed first edition Mona Lisa black light painting to make room for movie art from Halloween, Predator and Hellraiser, to A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Exorcist and An American Werewolf in London.

So while you all coordinate who gets me what for Christmas so that I don’t get doubled-up, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not belong under anyone’s Christmas tree… 

SATRANIC PANIC / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A bloody, demon-infested road movie about the power of claiming one’s identity and the importance of chosen family, Satranic Panic exposes the hypocrisy of the status quo with biting wit, killer drag, and incredible t*ts.”

Wondering if Satranic is short for a satanic trans person? If so, let’s get this party started!

IMAGINARY / March 8, 2024 (Theaters)

“Jessica moves back into her childhood home with her family. Her youngest stepdaughter Alice develops an eerie attachment to a stuffed bear named Chauncey she finds in the basement. Alice starts playing games with Chauncey that begin playful and become increasingly sinister. As Alice’s behavior becomes more and more concerning, Jessica intervenes only to realize Chauncey is much more than the stuffed toy bear she believed him to be.”

Yep, Chucky’s a Furry.

DAMNATION DRACULA / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A group of townsfolk investigate a series of gruesome murders are being ignored by local police. Unfortunately for them, there’s something more sinister at play than any of them could have expected.”

The movie is described as a “re-imagining of the Dracula mythos through a very Canadian lens.” Not sure what that means. Maybe Dracula eats back bacon instead of necks in this one.

NOSFERATU / December 25, 2024 (Theaters)

“Nosferatu is a Gothic tale of obsession between a haunted young woman in 19th century Germany and the ancient Transylvanian vampire who stalks her, bringing untold horror with him.”

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror — came out in 1922. Then it was remade into Nosferatu the Vampyre in 1979. Then it was turned into a musical in 1995 and titled Nosferatu the Vampire. Then it was redone again in 2000 as Shadow of the Vampire. Fun fact: William Dafoe starred in that one as the vampire Count Orlok, and he’s starring in the upcoming remake as Professor Albin Eberhart Von Franz. Bill Skarsgård is playing the vampire Count Orlok. Bill, as you know, played Pennywise the Dancing Clown in Stephen King’s IT in 2017 and in the 2019 sequel. I don’t think he’ll be a dancing vampire in Nosferatu, though. 

Lipstick of the Dead, Evil Gods, Giant Snakes

In the 1982 legendary cult horror classic Re-Animator, medical student Herbert West, doing his best Dr. Frankenstein impression, creates a serum that can re-animate the deceased — both animal, human and even severed body parts. This, of course, has horrific side-effects and produces surrealistic and monstrous results. And now, thanks to Creature Cosmetics™, you can get that Re-Animator serum as a lip gloss and be the undead life of the party. 

From the Creature Cosmetics™ website; “Introducing the new and improved syringe lip glosses. Officially licensed and including a patented applicator tip. Available in three all new shades: Black Light Reactive Re-Agent Green, Meg’s Dead Magenta, and Talking Head Red.” On any day you’d expect something this cool sell for $100. But the normal retail is $14 and Creature Cosmetics™’ sale brings life to your face with a $9 price tag. You can do all your holiday shopping right here.

So while we all wonder what to color coordinate with Black Light Reactive Re-Agent Green lip gloss (suggestion: white lab coat), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bring your lips back from the dead… 

HEADLESS / November 25, 2023 (China), Release pending 2024 (US)

“During the era of the Republic of China, police officer Zhao Ren is in the process of investigating the case of a headless female corpse when he encounters seemingly supernatural events such as the face of a man in the mirror, possession by evil spirits and worship of evil gods. Zhao Ren, who does not believe in the supernatural, is determined to find out the rational truth behind the case. However, as the murder investigation deepens, more and more shocking and bizarre details begin to surface.”

Shouldn’t that be corpse of a headless female? Seems to me if you’re a headless female, you’re already a corpse. Of corpse I could be wrong. Heh.

THE GHOST STATION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“While covering an accident, a young reporter learns that her source was dead prior to their interview. As more mysterious deaths occur, she and her partner dig deeper into the case, eventually coming face to face with a horrifying truth.”

This actually came out in South Korea in 2022. We’re getting it here just as soon as someone can figure out how to sub-title it.

SNAKE 4: THE LOST WORLD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Unexpectedly, a plane encounters a large thunderstorm and crashes in a dense primitive jungle. The survivors gradually recover from the plane crash and decide to go to the other side of the desert island to find the cockpit of the aircraft, hoping to contact the rescue team through the radio transceiver. Unfortunately, giant monsters soon attack.”

Unfortunately, giant monsters soon attack. I need to use that sentence more often in casual conversations/job interviews. This follows Snake (2018), Snake 2 (2019) and Snake 3: Dinosaur vs. Python (2022). Hope you’re writing this down.

SLASHER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Julio inherits a mask like his father used to kill. A group of young people will arrive at his town and cross his path. Julio must decide whether to continue the family tradition or embrace the love he has just known. A new icon killer franchise is born.”

You’re building a franchise off a serial killer wearing a mask? Uh, have they ever seen a horror movie before?

The Future of Horror, Viva Las Frankenstein, Satanic Bubble Bath

2023 was a banner year for horror and brought us the return of Saw and The Exorcist, to big LOLs with horror comedies Cocaine Bear and Renfield, to stunningly good indie horror Talk To Me and No One Will Save You. Looking forward to 2024 (I think that’s next year), there’s some big horror titles geared to suck up our movie money like a Dyson Gen5detect Absolute™ vacuum cleaner: Con2tantine, Scream 7, Final Destination 6: Bloodlines, Beetlejuice 2, The Crow (reboot, actually), The Conjuring: Last Rites, and Smile 2. Mind you, none of these titles are set in stone and the art below isn’t official. Just like this blog.

So while we all countdown to 2024 for all of the above, as well as mouth-drooling-anticipated titles like A Quiet Place: Day One, They Follow, The Invisible Man 2, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, Nosferatu, The First Omen, Alien: Romulus (title may change), Return to Silent Hill, MaXXXine, Salem’s Lot and even more Amityville movies, here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make it to 2024…

HEAD ON A PLATE / Out now (VOD)

“A shape-shifting alien wreaks havoc on a small rural town in the near the legendary Area 51 of ufo fame. These extraterrestrials are a brain-eating race who love to behead and eat humans. They are among us and have been for millions of years.”

If aliens have been among us for millions of years eating our human flesh groceries, why are we still here?

LAS VEGAS FRANKENSTEIN / Out now (VOD)

“When popular Vegas hypnotist Victor Van Pelt inherits Mary Shelley’s journal, he believes he has the key to the next greatest Vegas show — bringing life to the dead, live on stage.”

Bringing life to the dead, live on stage. Seems like an oxymoron.

BRITAIN’S GREATEST GHOST STORIES / Out now (VOD)

“A team of paranormal investigators use modern techniques and advanced technology looking into some of most famous ghost stories in and around Great Britain.”

This is based on the long-running/same-titled British TV series, which first aired in 2011. And still no one in America gives a fish or chip. (About England, not ghosts. P.S. Just kidding Londinians — we totally heart your fish ’n chips/funny accents.)

LUST, MAGIC AND THE WITCHES’ SABBATH / Out now (VOD)

“When young Morrigan moves away from home for a change of scenery, she never could have imagined the drastic turn her life would take. All roads soon lead to a sexy satanic bloodbath.”

Sexy satanic bloodbath. Sounds like something you’d buy at Bed, Goth & Beyond and pour into your bath water. 

Game-y Horror, Ghost App, Witch Wood

Chucky, the oddly lovable possessed serial killer doll, has been made into toys, clothing, costumes, masks, key chains, stickers and even Christmas ornaments. This is indeed a wonderfully sick world. And now Chucky and his side (and face) splitting antics are being cast as a board game, following in the dice-y footsteps of contemporaries The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Alien, The Evil Dead, Saw and more. (Can’t wait until they come out with The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf board game.)

The Chucky board game is available for preorder for $59.95 via TrickorTreatStudios.com (click here), with shipping estimated to be around January 31, 2024. Here’s how the game plays out: “In the officially licensed Chucky board game, each player will gather evidence about the mysterious murders that have been going on. This will give them skills and abilities to roll the dice and maybe handle an encounter with Chucky himself at the end of each round! After three rounds, the player who does the best at overcoming these challenges will be declared the winner survivor.”

So while we all scrounge for couch cushion bitcoins to buy this game, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you board to death…

GHOST PROJECT / Out now (VOD)

“Young programmers find abandoned technology meant to detect supernatural presence. They reverse engineer the tech and create an app for their phones which allows them to see ghosts, thus endangering their own lives.” 

This one’s described as The Ring meets Paranormal Activity and is also known as Paranormal Encounters and Side Project. Whoever came up with Side Project should be turned into a ghost.

SAVAGE: THE BIGFOOT LEGEND…LIVES / November 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A blazing fire rips its way through Bear Valley National Park. As the firefighters try to contain it, the animals are being forced out of their habitat, including a beast that was better left undiscovered: Bigfoot. Now forest rangers, scientists and others try to capture or kill the bloodthirsty beast now out on a rampage!”

With the forest burned down, Bigfoot is gonna need a new place to crap. Best to not be in his way when it’s…time.

YULE LOG / December 12, 2023 (DVD)

“Two friends take their buddy to a secluded cabin to take his mind off the recent loss of his wife. What they don’t expect is a night of terror after they unknowingly burn wood from a tree that has grown from a mound once used to burn a powerful witch. The cursed timber re-awakens dark spirits and evil creatures, forcing them, and a stranded woman, to fight for their lives during the Night of Mothers. This yule log burns forever…in Hell.”

Clever plot. Wonder if I can get cursed Duraflame™ logs? My Christmas parties have been rather dull for the last few years. Time to kick it up a notch. Heh.

THE WAIT / December 15, 2023 (Spain), Release pending US (VOD)

“Eladio, hunting estate keeper, takes a bribe from a veteran hunter. Weeks later, his whole life falls apart. What looked like the opportunity of a lifetime, turns into a macabre descent to hell when he finds out that his misfortune might not be entirely by chance.”

I have no idea what any of this means.

Zombie Music, Murder Turkeys, Plywood Ghosts

Now that it’s George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead’s 45th anniversary, Waxworks Records™ is giving us more cause to milestone celebrate with a feature-rich release of the groundbreaking zombie movie’s soundtrack. And it’s cleverly called, George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead Original theatrical Soundtrack. F’n brilliant!

Here’s what you get for the $60 asking price: “The expansive three LP set features the complete De Wolfe library cues from Romero’s 1978 cut of the zombie classic for the first time on vinyl. It comes in 3xLP colored vinyl, deluxe heavyweight triple gate-fold packaging with matte satin coating, artwork by Ruiz Burgos, a four-page booklet, and extensive liner notes by Living Dead film music archivist and historian Jim Cirronella.”

While we preorder it here and impatiently fidget while waiting for its December 15, 2023 shipping date, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not need a soundtrack…

THE HAUNTED PLACE / November 20, 2023 (Theaters / Indonesia)

“The Haunted Place is a 2023 Indonesian horror film about an old hotel where there is a room on the third floor with no door number. Anyone who opens the door to this room and sees the figure of a white-skinned and white-haired woman, is doomed. In a matter of days, they will be skinned to death at midnight.” 

Panggonan Wingit, the Indonesia movie title, translates as Yesterday’s Place. None of the titles work for me. How about Ghost Glamping? That kinda sounds nifty.

AMITYVILLE TURKEY DAY / November 23, 2023 (VOD)

“It’s turkey time, mother clucker!”

Fun fact: This “movie” was entirely conceived, written and filmed during someone’s 10-minute work break at 7-Eleven™.

NO REASON / November 28, 2023 (VOD)

“Jay Jay, Sage, April, and Brian make plans to travel to Miami to get away for the week. With Brian getting stuck at work, the trio decide to meet Brian there as they set out for the long road trip. After having car trouble, they call a friend to help them but soon realize that the help they were seeking was not the help they needed.”

Being stuck at work when you could be hanging out with your friends and getting serial killer murdered totally sucks.

THE HAUNTING AT THE OLD MILL / November 28, 2023 (VOD)

“The Old Mill, in Dundee, Michigan, is haunted by spirits. But what kind of spirits? Are they there for good, or evil?

Nah, they’re just there for the Douglas Fir sheathing plywood. Redoing the rec room. It’ll look spooky cool when it’s done. 

3D Water Man, Gore Galore, Basement Aliens

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom arrives on the big screen (theaters) and bigger screens (Imax™) on December 22, 2023. That’s exactly five years and one day after Aquaman came out in 2018. It made $1.152 billion at the global box office. That’s a lot of clams. This time around, they’re releasing in a 3D version. Not sure how this is gonna look as starfish are pretty much flat.

Anyway, here are the latest movie ad-sheets for the movie. There were 22 designed for Aquaman, and so far there are 11 for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom with more, I’m sure, to follow. From one of the posters we can see there are more sharks and domesticated seahorses to entice us out of our sand dollars. Sharks are pretty much a go-to, but I was hoping to see more of those super icky amphibious Trench monsters. Maybe they’ll do a swim-by.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom goes like this: “Several years after the events of the first film, Arthur Curry/Aquaman is forced to protect Atlantis and his loved ones from devastation after an ancient power is unleashed by David Kane/Black Manta obtaining the cursed Black Trident. In order to achieve this, he will have to seek help from an unlikely ally: his brother Orm.” In case you didn’t see/care about Aquaman, Orm got his butt gills paddled hard by Arthur Man.

So while we all shoot sea bubble excitement out our blowholes for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem a little…fishy…

VISITORS (THE COMPLETE EDITION) / Out now (Screambox™/ Release pending Midnight Pulp™, VOD)

“A rock ‘n’ roll band drop in unannounced on a friend and find themselves plummeting into a wackadoo reverie of monsters and mayhem.”

This Japanese horror anthology opens with one of the most Evil Dead-esque gory pandemonium scenes you’ve ever seen. You’ll need to take your eyeballs out and wash ’em after viewing.

DARK PARASITE / Out now (VOD)

“Dark Parasite is a 2023 Italian sci-fi horror film about a group of jewelery store thieves who take refuge in a shabby apartment building in the suburbs. However, they don’t know that an alien creature with telepathic powers is hiding in the basement.”

Where else would you put an alien with telepathic powers? The attic just won’t do as that’s where all the Christmas decorations from years gone by are stored.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / Out now (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them has hidden secrets. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surround the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or consider the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in deadly danger.”

Who doesn’t have hidden secrets? Heck, I have about 30 of ’em — and those are just the ones I can remember from last week. Guess I better stay out of Bangkok.

PEACOCK / December 8, 2023 (VOD)

“After violating the strict moral standards of The Foundation, the puritanical institution for young women in which she was raised, Anna Pohl is sent to care for one of its founding members. An Apartheid-era theologian living out his days in paranoia on his isolated farm, Sarel Cilliers suffers from frightening visions and demonic hallucinations. Haunted by her own feelings of guilt, Anna slowly gets pulled into Sarel’s terrifying world as she tries to unravel the mysteries behind this sinister place and its connection to the devastating secrets being hidden by The Foundation. ”

This one’s being described as “evocative and erotic.” I only know one of those words. P.S. It’s also being referred to as South African Gothic horror. That would’ve made a better title.

Really Bad Habits, Hell Hat, Alien Happy Hour

The Convent, a splatstick horror comedy, came out in 2000 and contained shooty-shoot guns, bloody blood and…demon-y nuns. Sure, demon nuns are so commonplace these days you can’t get a rectory exam without tripping over one or more. But in 2000 the bedeviled vestals were things to avoid…or at the very least really fun party guests. And now you can finally see these superior mothers in action with the release of the movie with a special slipcover, featuring a new 4K UHD remaster of the uncut version. If that doesn’t drive you into the confession booth, this new edition of The Convent is limited to 4,000 Blu-rays/DVDs.

Here’s why you need this movie: “In 1960, a young woman named Christine enters St. Francis Boarding School for Girls and lays waste to the resident nuns. Four decades later, a group of college students head to the long-abandoned building late one night to tag it with their fraternity letters, little knowing that rumors of the place being haunted are terrifyingly true. Stir in a couple of disapproving cops and a band of unlikely Satanists, and the table is set for a feast of demonic infestation and bloodshed that only the grown-up Christine can possibly stop.”

The disc comes with a ton of extras, like deleted scenes, gore outtakes, a vintage “making of” featurette, and “It’s Always Something With a Virgin” liner notes booklet. Yep, there’s more, but I gotta go make a sandwich. Score this religious artifact by preordering exclusively via Synapse Films™ and DiabolikDVD™.

So while we all eat a communion sandwich and drink some Holy Water (aka, Budweiser™), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you church all over your Old Navy™ shirt…

THE ACTIVATED MAN / December 3, 2023 (VOD)

As Ors Gabriel struggles with the grief from losing his best friend and beloved dog to cancer, the trauma brings on strange visions only he can see. While he questions whether his mind has fractured or if it’s actually real. a mysterious rise in murder-suicides takes hold of the city, and Ors becomes haunted by images of a shadowy figure known as The Fedora Man. Through torments and terror, Ors must face his fears and confront The Fedora Man as he uncovers dark secrets from his past, while finally embracing who he really is, and what he is meant to do.”

Gotta take your hat off to The Fedora Man. He’ll put a bee in your bonnet. I could probably keep going, but I’m gonna put a lid on it.

THE CALLER / December 5, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“While housesitting in a secluded rural lodge and working from home, Customer Service agent Izzy gets terrorized by an upset psychopathic caller. The real nightmare begins when he decides verbal abuse isn’t enough. She soon finds herself in for the fight of her life.”

I wasn’t that upset. Psychopathic, perhaps. To color me otherwise is JUST F’N WRONG AND I’LL KILL YOUUUU… Okay, maybe a tad upset. 

ABIGAIL / December 5, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“In 1976 Alabama, Abigail and her mom move to a new town for a fresh start. A precocious teen, Abigail befriends the lonely boy next door and soon stands up to his bullies. As she takes him under her wing, the secrets of her past begin to surface. Though they take on the world together, he discovers she may have a more disturbing side.”

And when she axe you a question, you better answer.

ALIENS UNCOVERED: THE LOST RACE / December 5, 2023 (VOD)

“There’s vast amount of information about a group of beings that existed before mankind. So, why are they being hidden from modern society? Thorough investigations connected to art and ancient text reveal interactions between humans and a higher source of intelligence. Could this be the same group who’s identity is being kept concealed in the present day?”

Pffft! Interactions between humans and a higher source of intelligence is nothing new. It’s called Happy Hour for a reason.

Wipe Your Feet On Godzilla, Horror Life Insurance, Space Criminals

When you think about it, having a Godzilla rug is metaphoric way of stomping all over him for a change. And thanks to MiddleofBeyond.com, we can do just that. It’ll only cost you/me/us $100 — small price to pay for revenge.

The Godzilla rug is officially licensed, 60” x 42”, and is in the custom shape of the Godzilla Tower in Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972). It’s also printed on nylon with a loopback pile. Sounds like my pants. But that’s not all — MiddleofBeyond.com also sells Suspiria, Trick ‘r Treat, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Evil Dead 2, and The Shining hotel rugs as well.

You can preorder ’em here, but don’t plan on getting this for yourself (or possibly others) for Christmas. These things estimated to ship mid-January of the year 2024. (The future sounds so far off.) So while we rip up the shag carpeting in our living rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms to make way for pretty much all of these rugs, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not need vacuuming…

SPINE TINGLER! THE WILLIAM CASTLE STORY / Out now (VOD, DVD)

Throughout the 1950s and ’60s, William Castle produced and directed a series of horror films marked by their outrageous audience participation gimmicks. Castle treated moviegoers to buzzing seats, flying skeletons, luminescent ghosts, and life insurance policies — and they loved every minute of it. Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story is a documentary about the last great American showman. It is a rags-to-riches tale of a legend of exploitation and master of self-promotion, yet a man privately plagued by a fear of failure and a desperate desire to be respected among his peers.”

Offering life insurance before seeing a horror movie. That’s pretty much swear word brilliant.

HEMISPHERE / Out now (VOD)

“Forensic investigator Sandra Ramirez accepts a mission to explore an abandoned mining outpost near Mercury, where she stumbles upon solitary crew member Phoebe Westover, who is in hiding. She learns that a group of merciless space hijackers will soon return to finish their job.”

How come there’s never enough time to do the job right, but enough time to do it over?

YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE / November 21, 2023 (VOD)
“Naomi is a young woman whose car ends up off the road, leaving her stranded. A tow truck driver mysteriously arrives, but instead of helping her, she becomes his victim. This murder sparks a group of social justice warriors, led by an investigator with a mysterious past, to find this serial killer and bring him to justice. As the team searches for the killer, each person within the crew meets their untimely fate, until only one is left to battle this notorious monster for their life.”

They just told us the entire movie — title and plot. Thanks — now I don’t have to rent it!

LACUNA / November 28, 2023 (VOD)

Sofia and her mother Helena have a troubled relationship living together in a dense and fragmented environment, wracked by the guilt surrounding the family’s past, which may be related to Helena’s strange behavior after a serious accident. Such an event opens space for the emergence of obscure and unimaginable mysteries, which will put Sofia’s notion of reality in check and reveal dark secrets of their past.”

Strange behavior after a serious accident. Yep, she filled her britches after sneezing really hard.