Wipe Your Feet On Godzilla, Horror Life Insurance, Space Criminals

When you think about it, having a Godzilla rug is metaphoric way of stomping all over him for a change. And thanks to MiddleofBeyond.com, we can do just that. It’ll only cost you/me/us $100 — small price to pay for revenge.

The Godzilla rug is officially licensed, 60” x 42”, and is in the custom shape of the Godzilla Tower in Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972). It’s also printed on nylon with a loopback pile. Sounds like my pants. But that’s not all — MiddleofBeyond.com also sells Suspiria, Trick ‘r Treat, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Evil Dead 2, and The Shining hotel rugs as well.

You can preorder ’em here, but don’t plan on getting this for yourself (or possibly others) for Christmas. These things estimated to ship mid-January of the year 2024. (The future sounds so far off.) So while we rip up the shag carpeting in our living rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms to make way for pretty much all of these rugs, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not need vacuuming…

SPINE TINGLER! THE WILLIAM CASTLE STORY / Out now (VOD, DVD)

Throughout the 1950s and ’60s, William Castle produced and directed a series of horror films marked by their outrageous audience participation gimmicks. Castle treated moviegoers to buzzing seats, flying skeletons, luminescent ghosts, and life insurance policies — and they loved every minute of it. Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story is a documentary about the last great American showman. It is a rags-to-riches tale of a legend of exploitation and master of self-promotion, yet a man privately plagued by a fear of failure and a desperate desire to be respected among his peers.”

Offering life insurance before seeing a horror movie. That’s pretty much swear word brilliant.

HEMISPHERE / Out now (VOD)

“Forensic investigator Sandra Ramirez accepts a mission to explore an abandoned mining outpost near Mercury, where she stumbles upon solitary crew member Phoebe Westover, who is in hiding. She learns that a group of merciless space hijackers will soon return to finish their job.”

How come there’s never enough time to do the job right, but enough time to do it over?

YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE / November 21, 2023 (VOD)
“Naomi is a young woman whose car ends up off the road, leaving her stranded. A tow truck driver mysteriously arrives, but instead of helping her, she becomes his victim. This murder sparks a group of social justice warriors, led by an investigator with a mysterious past, to find this serial killer and bring him to justice. As the team searches for the killer, each person within the crew meets their untimely fate, until only one is left to battle this notorious monster for their life.”

They just told us the entire movie — title and plot. Thanks — now I don’t have to rent it!

LACUNA / November 28, 2023 (VOD)

Sofia and her mother Helena have a troubled relationship living together in a dense and fragmented environment, wracked by the guilt surrounding the family’s past, which may be related to Helena’s strange behavior after a serious accident. Such an event opens space for the emergence of obscure and unimaginable mysteries, which will put Sofia’s notion of reality in check and reveal dark secrets of their past.”

Strange behavior after a serious accident. Yep, she filled her britches after sneezing really hard.

Halloween Pulp Fiction

Filmed in a Tales From the Crypt comic book style, Trick ’r Treat (2009) plays as a dark horror comedy with five overlapping stories (think Pulp Fiction/1994) that demonstrates the consequences of breaking Halloween traditions. 

The first one is that you don’t blow out the candle on a Jack-O-Lantern until Halloween is over. OK, I’m guilty of that. What can I say, hot pumpkins stink. Secondly, you’re not supposed to take your decorations down until Halloween is over. No problem there — I usually leave mine up through Christmas. Thirdly, always check your candy. I trick-or-treat for booze, so unless it’s non-alcoholic beer the top comes off, followed by my pants. 

The atmospheric stories all take place on the same Halloween night. “The Principal” revolves around a grade school principal whose homework includes pain, suffering and dismemberment. In that order. “Surprise Party” is a hairy take on the Little Red Riding Hood tale, but this time with hot high school chicks. Let’s just say these girls don’t shave their legs. This story is followed by “The Halloween School Bus Massacre Revisited” and the legend of a school bus driver who drops his mentally-handicapped kids off — in the lake at the bottom of the quarry. (The reason why he did it is actually quite grim — pay attention to this segment. I mean it.)

Local kids round up eight pumpkins as a tribute of those that perished in the “crash.” It was supposed to be a trick played on one of the kids (a gal hinted at being mentally-challenged), but the tables are turned when the drowned students make their way back to the bus stop. “Meet Sam,” the final — and best — story takes place at Old Man Kreeg’s house where Sam, the embodiment of Halloween (this kid is friggin’ creepy), shows up for his treat. Pet Sematary (1989) and the ankle tendon-slicing scene is given a tip of the hat here, while Sam reinforces Halloween’s lessons.

If you’re keeping track, all the characters show up in each other’s stories and give clues as to the secret of each. Very clever stuff. No nudity (dang it), lots of screaming (expected), gushes of blood (spills like a slashed trick-or-treat candy bag), and the smashing of pumpkins. Trick ’r Treat, seasonally appropriate and highly educational, could very well become A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) for this and every Halloween. God bless us all.

One Hell of a Halloween

Lots of new Halloween-themed horror movies lining up outside your/my door this year, looking to fill their bags with treats (i.e., cash). Hellions, which was screened at the Sundance Film Festival way back in the ancient days of January 2015, looks to lead the pack, despite borrowing notable elements from previous horror movies. (Borrowing is the new steal.)

Hellion’s premise is straightforward: “A pregnant teenager must survive a Halloween night from Hell when malevolent trick-or-treaters come knocking at her door.”

Four weeks pregnant – and she only hooked up last week. Funny how time flies when you’re having horizontal fun.

So these eerie/creepy/spooky kids in handmade Halloween cosplay, torment little Miss Unprotected Sex, telling her to give them what they came for. I’m thinkin’ it isn’t safe booty advice. That the gal’s pregnancy is progressing so quickly means that someone or something is hitting the fast-forward button on her womb of doom.

Of course, strangers appearing out of nowhere demanding to be given something is not new. For instance, in Storm of the Century, Stephen King’s 1999 TV mini-series, André Linoge, a seriously menacing dude, shows up as a mega storm is about to bury Little Tall Island (off the coast of Maine) in a world of whacked winter weather.

He somehow knows the dirty little secrets of the entire town’s citizens and keeps saying, “Give me what I want, and I’ll go away.” I’m thinkin’ it’s probably not a sno-cone.

As for the little creeps in Hellions, one of ‘em sure looks like he borrowed some fashion tips from Sam, the Halloween mascot from Trick ‘R Treat (2007), a surprisingly cool horror anthology. FYI: The burlap look is back and is the must-have season accessory.