Archive for snake

As The Giant Worm Turns

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Lair of the White Worm

Digging up the front yard of a rural, British convent’s front yard, a budding archaeologist unearths a weirdo animal skeleton head artifact this size of a tuba. Tubas rock hard when honked. And the archaeologist thinks the skeleton head rocks, to which he loudly exclaims, “Yeehaa!”, thus setting in motion one of the more unusual and provocative giant monster movies you’ll see on a smart device.

Lair of the White Worm

Turns out the skull could very well be part of the D’Ampton Worm, a gigantic mythical wiggler. Apparently, the super-sized Lumbricus terrestris was worshiped by an ancient cult. (What is it with ancient cults, anyway? Couldn’t you just pray at the porcelain altar after worshiping a case of Worm Brew? Geez.) The snake monster was later slain (or “cut in half”) by the then Lord D’Ampton for later generations to sing pub songs about. (The lyrics could use some work, but the tune is rather catchy.)

The Lair of the White Worm

Enter the overtly seductive Lady Sylvia Mars, a mysterious gal who has an affinity for slithery things. After scene after scene of waiting for the worm (that’s thought to still be alive in a nearby cavern), Lady S sets up shop in a nearby mansion, takes off her clothes right down to the string of G, and lures men to worship at the altar of her R-rated booty. It’s here she brandishes her snake fangs and bites them on the trouser worm, injecting and infecting the prey with paralyzing spittle. The debilitated victims are fed to you-know-what.

The Lair of the White Worm

Astonishingly, the D’Ampton Worm turns out to still be doing business, worming its way up from the depths of Hell for some take out, with human sacrificial groceries provided by Sylvia Snake. Of the numerous nightmare sequences, a stand-out is a rather disturbing flashback scene of people being crucified amid shoulder height flames with giant white worms twisting around the nail-hung bodies, nuns being non-consensually romanced by pant-less soldiers, and the snake woman hissing and her-ing all over the place.

The Lair of the White Worm

The Lair of the White Worm (1988) is quite entertaining (except to nuns), and slithers happily between surreal horror and deliberate black comedy. (Sylvia plays Snakes ‘n Ladders with her “offerings” and can’t help but twist-y dancing when hearing music.) You have to wait most of the movie’s 93 minutes to see the whopping worm, but there’s people being turned into vampire snakes ’n stuff. Almost doesn’t matter after watching Lady Sylvia (topless the entire last scene) pose over her victims in attire best suited for a fetish nightclub.

And the worm? Big time big.

The Tooth Is Out There

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Razortooth

The Razortooth in Razortooth (2006) is actually an overgrown eel with sharp mouth utensils. Genetically tampered with, the creature’s altered DNA gives it a highly aggressive attitude and a voracious tapeworm. (Seems odd that an eel would have a tapeworm, but there you go.)

Razortooth

This particular mutation comes out of the Florida Everglades to gulp down tasty members of a small community that, up until today, lived and thrived along the swampy waterways. The body count is extraordinarily high, with each meal going down like before-dinner mints. Heads, torsos, arms, legs, butts — if it can fit in Razortooth’s mouth, it’s snack time.

Razortooth

Raz T comes up through outhouse sittin’ holes (ick), from under houses (makes sense, since it has no hands with which to turn doorknobs), and slithers like a snake on Ecstasy at a rave in search of flavors. Hard to tell how big the monster is as it goes from 6 feet to 15 feet in every other segment.

Razortooth

Lots of blood and half-eaten bodies, although given how much Raz eats in just a few hours, I’m surprised he doesn’t have people belly. In fact, he looks downright slim and in beach shape. Either his digestive system is set on high, or it’s all fake. I’ll have to get back to you on my findings.

Conquering Werewolves and Boobies

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Conquest

Hard to tell in what place in time Conquest – a  1983 Italian psychedelic schlock horror fantasy flick – takes place. All you need to know is that there’s cave condos, a werewolf army, gauze zombies, stink fog everywhere, a magic bow and arrow, and lots and lots of bare boobies.

Conquest

A topless, iron-masked queen wearing nothing else except a business card sized bikini bottom is having nightmares of a faceless guy with a magic bow and arrow perforating her chest. As she dreams she lets a huge snake explore her lower zip code area. I know this is all a metaphor, but for what?

Conquest

The werewolf army feeds on 99.9% naked and young cave dweller girls because “they taste better.” Need serving portions? No problem – each grab a leg and pull. (Conquest features a buffet of graphic gore scenes.)

Conquest

Meanwhile, Illias (rhymes with Idiot), a feisty young man in a toga, is tasked by the ghost gods with ending the evil queen’s boobfest. To rock this party, Illias hooks up with Mace, a mentor muscle man with Fabio hair and a bear diaper. This could very well be the sowrd and sorcery version of Batman and Robin.

Conquest

The werewolf army is sent to capture the dynamic duo and bring them to Ocron, the naked queen. That the werewolves just took the guys and not the tastier cave girls suggest they might be rearwolves. A sequel, perhaps.

Conquest

The boys manage to break free and continue their plagued journey. Illias gets gooey pus boils all over his upper and lower toga. Mace gets caught and crucified by gauze zombies and dumped in the ocean, where dolphins free him using only their snouts. And dang it, a main character’s head gets chopped off.

Conquest

How the heck do you top all of that? Magic bow and arrow time, with one shot delivering multiple cartoon arrows that find their hairy/guaze-y/naked-y targets in a rushed climax that’ll have you slapping your own head and going, “WTF?”

Conquest

Yep, Conquest is that bad and that good. You’ll have to look through many caves to find a movie with such noble and naked attributes.

Feeding Formula To Snakes

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent

This sounds like a bar joke: What do you get when you cross a giant snake with a little Asian girl, some terrorists and a lavish movie budget of about $300? You get Daai se wong (1988), aka Thunder of Gigantic Serpent. You also get one heckuva hot giant monster mess.

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent

The aforementioned little girl finds some secret formula that makes animals and plants grow to one billion times their metric body mass, and feeds her pet snake a mouthful. You know how emotionally attached Timmy was to Lassie? Those two have nothing on Ting Ting (that’s what it sounded like when her parents yelled at her) and Mozla, a snake the size of half a hula-hoop. The darn thing actually understands her and nods when she talks incessantly to it. This gets really old.

Gigantic Serpent

Meanwhile, criminal terrorists who shoot scientists and use the “F” word, want that formula. Why? To take over the world, of course. They know the formula works, but haven’t seen how well as Mozla, growing like a Happy Hour bathroom line, hasn’t made his grand appearance just yet. He has to wait until the terrorists kidnap their girl in order to put the squeeze on ‘em.

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent

Ninety percent of the movie is spent watching terrorists chase and being chased by bullets and swear words. When Ting Ting is captured and spirited away to a tall building and starts screaming INCESSANTLY for Mozla to save her, the serpent actually hears the paint-peeling cries and carves gigantic paths of destruction to find her. And because Mozla is now the size of a building, wrapping himself around one makes sense. It also make it a lot easier for the military to fire about 30 missiles to make him let go. I’ll say this for Mozla – he’s one tough worm.

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent

Ting Ting cries hysterically at her fallen phallic symbol, who symbolically shrinks to a third of his size after the job is done. All of this sounds vaguely familiar. I must’ve seen it in another movie or heard about it in a locker room.