Archive for Hellraiser

Not The Stairway To Heaven

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Doorway

The instructions to make The Doorway (2000) must’ve come off a box of Count Chocula™: Take four college kids, put ’em in a haunted house, have a doorway to Hell in the basement, and let unnatural nature take its course. 

The Doorway

Of course the ancient medallion keeping the doorway to Hell from swinging both ways is knocked off the sacred nail holding back epic evil, and a succubus (female demon that likes to get jiggy) roams from bedroom to bedroom, wreaking mattress havoc and sticking out her plastic green tongue.

The Doorway

The students try and solve the mystery of the skanky spook by hooking up with their ghost-hunting college professor, Roy Scheider. (Hey, this was the guy who kicked Jaws’ wet butt, so it was a strategic move.) The only thing missing is a dog named Scooby Doo. Rory doesn’t last long, though, getting his entire face ripped in half by the face-ripping face-ripper. Then everybody else falls prey to the smelly forces emanating from the basement. 

The Doorway

There’s a happy assortment of boobs and a lingering sex scene, which was pleasant on an R-rated sliding scale. The creatures that come a’knockin’, however, aren’t particularly scary, nor unique. In fact, the whole flick lamely rips off The Legend of Hell House (1973), The Amityville Horror (1979), Night of the Demons (1988),  and Hellraiser (1987), without batting an evil eye. 

The Doorway

The girls are cute (especially the short blonde chick), but the guys are dorks of chess club proportions. In the end, it all sucks. But the thing about doorways is that you can always go out the same way you came in.

Military UFOs, Teen Witches, Holiday Flesh-Eaters

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendlesham

UFO fans can rejoice — a TV series is being developed around the famous 1980 Rendlesham Forest Incident, wherein American military personnel, stationed in England, not only encountered a landing UFO, but recorded their observations (on YouTube™) and even walked up and touched the glowing, freaky thing. (Hope they washed their hands, because, you know, space germs.)

Rendlesham

From the press release: “The alleged sightings began on December 26, 1980 when U.S. Air Force security patrols stationed at RAF Woodbridge in Suffolk, England saw lights descending into nearby Rendlesham Forest. When servicemen went to investigate, they found a metallic object with glowing lights in the middle of the forest, and when approached the object moved through the woods, causing farm animals to panic. In daylight the next day, impressions were found in a triangular shape in the forest clearing, and on December 28, deputy base commander Lt. Col. Charles Halt and several other servicemen took radiation readings at the clearing and noticed lights in the distance.”

Rendlesham

“The show will reportedly wave a complex family drama into the real-life events, which will span the 1980s through to 2020, which will mark the 40th anniversary of the Rendlesham incident.”

I’ve seen lots of documentaries about Rendlesham and, despite the commercials, I want to believe. Thus is the power of television. Until the show premiers, which is in the works as we speak, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not want to believe in…

Mercy Christmas

MERCY CHRISTMAS (available now/VOD)
Mercy Christmas follows Michael Briskett as he meets the perfect woman. His ideal Christmas dream comes true when she invites him to her family’s holiday celebration. Michael struggles to survive once he realizes HE will be Christmas dinner.”

A cannibal Christmas movie? Another reason for the season. I’m no gourmet chef (although I do make a mean bowl of stove top popcorn), but what would be an appropriate wine pairing with holiday human flesh? My go-to would be Steel Reserve™ (okay, not really wine, but man, what a kick in the pants). Probably some red chardonnay that’s deep, complex and stays with you long after you’ve tasted it. Kinda like flesh. Hope they’re also serving those neat pop-up dinner rolls. It’s like eating fluffy chemicals, but man, what a kick in the taste buds.

The Devil's Toy Box

THE DEVIL’S TOY BOX (available now/VOD)
Cynthia O’Neil enters a haunted asylum known as the Madison Seminary in search of her father who went missing in the asylum while shooting a reality television show.”

Kinda makes you wonder what the Devil considers toys. Slasher Gumby? Silly Blob Putty? Matrix Monopoly? I’d buy ‘em. Just so we’re transparent here, The Devil’s Toy Box was also one of the names of Hellraiser’s (1987) The Lament Configuration (aka, Lemarchand’s Box), a puzzle box, that when solved/opened, would summon Hell’s most Goth entities to welcome you to their depths. As local urban legends go, The Devil’s Toy Box is also cabin in Louisiana that when occupied, makes people go insane. Probably because of intermittent Internet connection, questionable plumbing and no bars for your Evil Smart Phone.

The Lurker

THE LURKER (2018)
“A group of theatre students, celebrating their final show, begin to slowly disappear one at a time.”

Seriously? This is a horror movie? The students probably snuck off to partake in the weed, or in my case, Steel Reserve™.

The Witch Files

THE WITCH FILES (2018)
“A group of marginalized young women form a powerful coven and find they have the ability to grant their every wish. Though they soon realize the danger of messing with powerful forces beyond their control.”

I liked this better when they called it The Craft (1996). So yeah, high school chick witches. I’ll stick with TV’s Sabrina, The Teenage Witch (1996 — 2003) ‘cause she’s such a cutie.

The Craft / Sabrina The Teenage Witch

Another Baker’s Dozen Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Thir13en Ghosts

An evil rich uncle figured out a way to capture souls and store them in stay-fresh cubicles in his house, which is made of glass walls with Latin slogans on them to keep the pesky dead from touching his stuff.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts aren’t of the Casper variety — they’re the most gnarliest, f’d-up poltergeists on the planet, looking like they came from Marilyn Manson’s shiny pants.

Thir13en GhostsEach of these ghosts were chosen for their unique energy, which, when combined with a demonic machine and a spell from some spell book, will open the Eye of Hell, allowing the user to see behind the creation curtain. (I’ve seen it — just a bunch of boxes filled with last year’s Christmas decorations.)

Thir13en Ghosts

A family inherits the evil uncle’s house after said relative dies while trying to round up a ghost that doesn’t want to be rounded up. “This isn’t a house; it’s a machine made by the Devil and powered by the Dead,” remarks one ghost-hunter. An understatement — all the ghosts are contained in the basement, but the family screws around with the buttons in the Rubik’s Cube™ mansion and let the stinky wraiths out. Then it’s smack ass time.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts make Hellraiser’s Cenobites look like cotton candy vendors at Disneyland™. Blood and guts decorate the stylish glass walls like Dutch Boy™ paint. Lots of swearing, tension, and a handful of flinchy moments that’ll have you tossing your popcorn before you eat it, thereby wasting it.Thir13en Ghosts

2001’s Thir13en Ghosts (a hardcore graphic re-imagining of 13 Ghosts/1960) is quite lean on suspense and backstory, though, which makes it hard to give the ghosts some love when you don’t really know anything about them. As for the evil uncle, it’s not explained why he’s so mean. No matter; It’s heartwarming to see such ultra-violence and brain goo.

Hell Kids, Hell Zombies, Hell Stuff

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stranger Things 2 / A Nightmare on Elm Street

As you/me/I/us/them/they wait IMPATIENTLY for Stranger Things 2 (premiering Friday, October 27, 2017), news comes down the super fun happy slide the surprise horror hit has already been renewed for a third season. I needed some good news after waiting all day for that !@#$ “once-in-a-lifetime” eclipse to somehow destroy the world. (I know the eclipse was for free, but dang — I feel gypped.)

The new Stranger Things 2 key art is a slick homage to 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street. When you think about it, sleep slasher Freddy Krueger’s dream state world is the ‘80s version of Stranger Thing’s The Upside Down alternate universe/dimension/golf course. Regardless, I’ll have to go back to hoping for Melancholia to smash into this toilet Earth for my world-destroying fantasies.

While we wait for that planet to pinball ours, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to help cope with the disappointing, non-destructo eclipse

Little Evil

LITTLE EVIL (September 1, 2017/Netflix)
“Gary just married Samantha, only to find out that her 6-year-old son is the Antichrist.”

This horror comedy sounds fun/ny. But if the kid is the son of the Antichrist, does that men Samantha is the Mom Antichrist, or is this one of those, “it takes a village” things?

Hellriser

HELLRISER (October 9, 2017/UK)
“When their city is rocked by a series of brutal occult murders, veteran detective John Locke and his young partner Terri Keyes are forced to put aside their differences and follow the trail of evidence to a formerly abandoned asylum, where the new owner Dr. Unnseine is conducting his own brand of Nazi-inspired “medical research” on the unwilling inmates. One such inmate, the sexy but deadly Annie Dyer, may hold the key to the murders — and to the doorway to Hell itself — if only Locke and Keyes can stay alive long enough to discover what it is.”

Dawn of the Dead / Land of the Dead

As much as you’d think this is one of those Asylum Studio rip-offs, it is, unfortunately, from another source of rip-offery. Obviously, the title is lifted from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser (1987). Then there’s the “When there’s no more room in Hell…” kicker line on the key art, a bold shoplift from 1978’s Dawn of the Dead. Wondering why the filmmakers didn’t just put it all on the glass and have the zombies wearing Goth leather and walking around with nails in their heads, like those teens at the mall.

Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse

HAGAZUSSA: A HEATHEN’S CURSE (2018)
“Set in the 15th Century in the Austrian Alps, Hagazussa takes us back to a dark period when pagan beliefs of witches spread fear into the minds of the rural folk exploring the thin line between ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis.”

Ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis. That may be f’d up for those in the Austrian Alps, but for me it’s just another night at The Poggie Tavern. I like witches, though. The sexy ones on TV, not the stinky kind at the bar who smell like room temperature Steel Reserve malt liquor.

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth, struggles with the loss. She starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

They kinda hand this one to us one a parsley-garnished platter — the “supernatural entity” is the twin that didn’t make it to market. (A theory, not a conclusion.) By the way, do you want me to tell you what you’re getting for Christmas?

Ninja Mecha Bikini

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Samurai Princess

After 11 young women were raped and dismembered by a band of criminals in a Japanese alternate universe (out in the woods), the last surviving gal was transformed into a Mecha, a mechanical, but drop dead (no pun intended) sexy android, housing all the souls of her dead sisters. As such, each has bestowed upon her 11 built-in weapons: ninja skills, hedge-trimmer and chainsaw leg extensions, removable boobs that turn into grenades when thrown. The clothes, though, come off by themselves.

Samurai Princess

Assisted by a heavy metal guitar playing scientist and a Buddhist nun with blue hair and white eyelashes, this Samurai Princess takes out the gang members in appropriate fashion: severed arms and heads, brains removed, squished and jammed back in, a guy punched so hard his skeleton pops out of his skin (great sequence), blood spraying as if shot from high-pressure hoses. And there are so many body parts, it looks like a butcher shop for humans.

Samurai Princess

The leaders of the gang are a half man/woman and the other half Mecha. (The woman portion wears entrails around her neck like fashionable jewelry.) They need to be killed. And not in a good way, either. The Princess has to be careful as the guy has a rocket attached to the chainsaw leg, and that thing is dangerous when it flies within facial zip codes. But the Princess can turn her entire chest into a buzz saw and give you a death hug.

Samurai Princess

Because the Princess is hot (literally), she has to shut down occasionally to cool her jets. In her dream state she has sex with the heavy metal guy. In her awake state she can’t feel anything, be it a sword or, um, a flesh sword. The madmen who makes the Mechas, collects body parts with the help of his twin hotties, who carry around baskets of severed arms, feet and stomachs like they were out picking flowers.

Samurai Princess

The Princess squares off with the ultimate Mecha for the final battle. This thing looks more freakish and cooler than any Hellraiser (1987) Cenobite on the block, sporting hoses, sutures, spiky stuff and flabs of borrowed skin. Then it’s a festival of sqooshed heads, split torsos, and stitched wounds that should be disinfected (but aren’t). And hey, grenade boobs — at least two more reasons to recommend Samurai Princess (2009).

Monster Town

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Hill

What Silent Hill (2006) – a movie adapted from the popular 1999 Japanese horror video game franchise – lacks in cohesive storytelling, at times makes up for it with undie squeezing atmosphere (great use of smoke/fog, or “smog”) and some of the more disturbing and icky creatures/monsters since Hellraiser’s (1987) Cenobites, from which it clearly draws inspiration. (Note: The movie utilizes this and thats from the first four Silent Hill games, might explain the pieced-together feel.)

Silent Hill

A ridiculously attractive mom has a young daughter who sleepwalks around waterfall cliffs, even though the kid has been repeatedly told not to go out after dark. (Like that works with kids.) Turns out the little scamp is dying from an unknown cause and a faith healer (my medical insurance only covers Shamans) tells mom for answers to take her daughter to the spooky Silent Hill, a small abandoned town no longer on any map, Google™ or otherwise.

Silent Hill

The town of Silent Hill – renowned for witchcraft gone wild – is pretty dang eerie. First, its shrouded in smoke from an underground coal mine that’s been burning out of control for decades. (Probably why everyone left. That, and there’s no 7-Eleven™. Reason enough to pack it up.) Secondly, there’s an apocalyptic horn that goes off every so often, releasing some seriously messed up creatures that come out of nowhere to eat faces clean off whatever head it’s attached to.

Silent Hill

Like the video game it’s fashioned after, the monster encounters get progressively hardcore, turning up as walking torsos, twisted body guys, mutant nurses and the impressive level boss Pyramid Head and his 12-foot knife that can cut through walls to get its point across.

Silent Hill

Teaming up with a previously encountered female cop, Rose, frantically searches for her kid who wandered off and is seen in glimpses running through a maze of building floors and is heading down into the depths of what sure as hell looks like Hell. And it’s here the story, steeped in evilness, gets muddled.

Pyramid Head

There’s a ghost religious leader, ghost townsfolk from years gone by, a witch-sacrificing bonfire (no marshmallows, though), and a darker than black demon thing. To tie this altogether would take a LOT of word wrangling as the movie piles the back story on said bonfire during the last 10 minutes. So much so, you can barely keep track, even with a 12-foot knife being pointed at your uncooked (for now) self.

Yeah, Silent Hill plays out in linear fashion like its parent video game. But the creature things — which needed WAY more screen time — are downright delightful.

Silent Hill

P.S. The sequel Silent Hill: Revelation (2012) brought back the first one’s better freak creatures, but suffered from a sub-standard plot and a disturbing lack of fun. Sounds like my life.

Yet Another Installment of Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Judgment

It’s a sad state of affairs when a popular horror movie franchise is put through the salad spinner so many times, it no longer resembles anything consumable.

While this has been famously done to cash cows such as the Halloween, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street series (don’t get me started on the Police Academy abominations, of which there are seven), the release of Hellraiser: Judgment (pending 2016), brings the original once proud Hellraiser movie to a shaming eight sequels, six and a half of which are like watching a hobo sift through your garbage.

Hellraiser

Quite similar to a Cenobite torture, we’ve had to endure the punishing Hellraiser sequels for nearly the past three decades. In creator Clive Barker’s hands, this was a genre game changer, featuring open wound, flesh re-imagined creatures with cool Juda Priest-y heavy metal leather suits, the most iconic of which was/is Pinhead, a bald guy with nails pounded into right into his head/face/eyebrows. And he had a deep voice practically designed for late night FM radio and/or selling infomerical juicers.

But once the rights were cashed out, Pinhead was inevitably turned into the Ronald McDonald of horror, relieving the greasy golden arches from Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger, who also reigned over nine movies and Freddy’s Nightmares (1988 – 1990), a painfully dated (even when it came out) TV series with 44 episodes.

Hellraiser

Judging by the press release, Hellraiser: Judgment seems to be another case of “meet the new Cenobite, same as the old Cenobite”…

“Detectives Sean and David Carter are on the case to find a gruesome serial killer terrorizing the city. Joining forces with Detective Christine Egerton, they dig deeper into a spiraling maze of horror that may not be of this world. Could the Judgment awaiting the killer’s victims also be waiting for Sean?”

Yeesh – a hobo could’ve come up with that plot.

Hellraiser

Not surprised that whoever owns the rights to Hellraiser can’t figure out how to explore the depraved depths of the Pinhead character, and merely relegate him a bookend to pathetic scenarios. Only Clive Barker, who gave birth to Pinhead and the Cenobites in The Hellbound Heart first published in 1986, can/could take us to the depths of a grisly Hell, or as I call it, the Poggie Tavern (est. 1934), a few blocks south of Heaven, or “my neighborhood.”

Clearly, the real Pinheads are the ones still recycling Hellraiser. That said, here’s a Hellraiser laundry list of viewings for those wanting to pound metaphorical nails into eyeball flesh…

Hellraiser (1987), Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Hellraiser: Inferno (2000), Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002), Hellraiser: Deader (2005), Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005), Hellraiser: Revelations (2011).