Grisly Game, Hell’s Flophouse, Holiday Varmint

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out in 1974 and almost overnight became one of the most notorious and shocking movies ever made, despite the fact a victim being sawed into barbecue fixins by the human-skin masked Leatherface was never shown. Sure, you heard the shrieks and the revving chainsaw, but you didn’t get to see the gory-fied action. Behold, the power of suggestion.

Now, nearly five decades later, you finally get the chance to play out your “death by power tool” fantasies with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game. And at $59.95, which was ironically more than TCM’s film budget, you can afford to. Beats paying to see all nine of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s crappy sequels. Here’s what your coveted pocket coupons will get you…

“Trick or Treat Studios™ introduces The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game from designer Scott Rogers with illustrations by Terry Wolfinger. The players’ van has run out of gas, leaving them stranded and at the mercy of the Slaughter family. Work together and push your luck to escape. In this cooperative game, all players win or lose as a group. Pull tokens from a gruesome bag to take actions — but be careful, pulling too many may antagonize the Slaughter family.”

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game is set to ship March 31, 2023 — preorder it HERE. While we’re getting in the mood by going to a hardware store and buying (or “purchasing”) the Poulan™ 306a saw (the model used in the movie), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you just got a haircut with a power tool…

THE HOUSE THAT EATS FLESH / Out now (VOD)

“There is a house that has been passed down from generation to generation, but it isn’t just any ordinary house. This house is built on the Gates of Hell. A group of friends desperate to have a nice holiday together will discover the truth of what goes on inside. The doors are locked, the windows are barred — and something sinister is breaking through the floor.”

A house built on the Gates of Hell. Well, dang — they finally made a movie about the Tug Tavern.

THE MEAN ONE / December 9, 2022 (Theaters/Limited), December 15, 2022 (free online)

“In a sleepy mountain town, Cindy has her parents murdered and her Christmas stolen by The Mean One — a bloodthirsty green figure in a red Santa suit . But when the ravenous, Christmas hating creature begins to terrorize the town and threatens to ruin the holiday, she finds a new purpose — trapping and killing the monster.”

Bloodthirsty green figure. I bet its the Green Goblin. Or Green Lantern. Or Shrek. Or Kermit the Frog. Or the incredible Hulk, who is more than noticeably green. I’m calling for a police lineup. 

WOLF MANOR / January 9, 2023 (DVD & Digital Download)

“Shooting a vampire flick in an old, abandoned manor house should have worked like a dream, but the British film crew is out of their depth, over schedule and desperate to get the shoot finished and go home. However, as the moon turns full, the nightmare begins. Blood flows and the body count rises as cast and crew meet the manor’s resident werewolf.”

Werewolves rarely mind their manors. Heh.

BRIDE OF THE KILLER PIÑATA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“10 years after finally defeating the Killer Piñata, Lindsey Goodman finds herself struggling with domestic life in the suburbs. When a new piñata arrives looking for help, the Killer Piñata wakes, mentoring her in its murderous ways and reigning hell down on the suburbs. With her family in the cross-hairs, Lindsey must rally the old crew one last time to send the Killer Piñata back to Hell for good.”

Okay…what? I really hope Lindsay’s old crew is rally-able as having the Killer Piñata casing the suburbs devalues everyone’s cul-de-sac.

Giving Birth To A Power Tool

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) is a prequel to the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that didn’t need to be made in the first place. Yep, I said it.

Thomas had a rough start in life. First, his mom gives birth to him in a meat packing plant. Not only did she leave him behind, but the plant foreman, thinking the bloody pile of meat is contaminated after it touched the floor, chucks Thomas into a dumpster.

And if his day couldn’t get any worse, Thomas (later given the Christian name of Leatherface), is found by a homeless woman looking in garbage cans for nutritious food. She doesn’t eat him (he was dropped on a dirty floor and is probably teeming with germs), but drops Thomas off at the Hewitt House instead, the home of the original Chainsaw family.

The luck of it all is Thomas grows up and gets a job at the very same meat packing plant that was the site of his beginning. Guess who his boss is? I know, right? Thomas repays that whole “tossing the fetus in the dumpster” incident by smashing his boss’ head into a Technicolor watermelon. It’s all about closure. Until he finds inner peace, Thomas finds a chainsaw. The rest just writes itself.

Butchering, screaming, cannibalism, screaming, kneecap gunshot wounds, screaming, face-skinning, screaming… It’s all part of Thomas’ pastiche.

Way more graphic and gory than the original, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning follows the same template as the Friday the 13th sequels, just racking up body count numbers in place of a compelling storyline. And Thomas? He’s already changed his name to Jason and got a job at Camp Crystal Lake.

30 Years of Elvira, Synthetic Sex, Black Magic Punk Rock

Elvira (aka, Cassandra Peterson), the timeless and beautiful/bountiful horror movie hostess, is hosting a 30th Anniversary screening of her 1988 classic horror comedy movie, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, on Thursday, October 4th in Salem, Massachusetts. Tickets are a wallet-stretching $50 general admission and are on sale now. Elvira will be 67 by the time of the screening, and to look at her now (quick, what color are her eyes?), you’d think she is still mint-in-box.

Also times to the screening is Arrow Video’s Blu-ray releasing of the movie, which as horror movie fans know, will be the first time in its available in that format. Wish it was in 3D. Ahem.

In Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, the cult-movie TV hostess inherits an old New England house, a poodle and a black magic cookbook. But no one ever said, “Hey, let’s go see a movie with a poodle and a black magic cookbook!” One look at Elvira and you’ll see what she so effectively uses to pay the rent. This is one time you want the event to go bust. Heh.

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to watch while I go outside and get slapped in the head for my insensitive remarks…

HOW IT ENDS (July 13, 2018)
“As a mysterious apocalypse causes the spread of misinformation and violence, a man and his estranged father-in-law race across a chaotic and fractured country to save his pregnant wife.”

Standard post-apocalyptic scenario — go from one side of the country to the other, while navigating (pick one or more) zombies, gangs, criminals, stinky punk rock maniacs, Mad Max. I have enough trouble getting from one side of the grocery store to the other. (Why can’t they put the salted snack treats next to the beer cooler? Utter madness.)

ZOE (July 20, 2018/Amazon Prime Video)
“Two colleagues at a revolutionary research lab design technology to improve and perfect romantic relationships. As their work progresses, their discoveries become more profound than they could ever have imagined.”

What the press release doesn’t tell you, the trailer shows: a scientist designs a synthetic chick and falls in love with it and wants to insert his hard drive into her software. Wasn’t this the subtext of Ex-Machina (2014)? On that note, inflatable love dolls are far less expensive, easier to maintain and, more importantly, clean.

BOOGEYMAN POP (2018)
“A bat-wielding, masked killer in a rusted-out black Cadillac weaves in and out of three interlocking stories awash in sex, drugs, punk rock, black magic, and broken homes.”

You really can’t go wrong when you mix punk rock with black magic. The rusted-out Caddie is but mere artistic expression. I hope it comes with a full tank of sex and drugs. P.S. Don’t do drugs. I’d say don’t do sex, either, as it too is a gateway drug and… Crap, I did it again — now I’m way over my head. Bailing now while I can.

MONSTER (2018)
“Emily is tired of her life. In a dead-end job that she hates and an employer who takes advantage of her, she dreams of a life away from the daily grind. Her life will take an unexpected turn, however when she is snatched from work and bundled into a van. She awakes later in the isolated Remington home, a place of death and violence where depravity and horror are the norm. Led by the fearsome Richard, the undisputed head of the household, Emily discovers that the Remington’s are organizing a very special birthday party and she is the guest of honor. When the birthday boy — the Remington’s seven-foot-tall hulk of a son appears, Emily realizes she is more than just a guest and their intentions for her are much more sinister.”

Word at the bus stop is that the generically-titled Monster is a cross between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Natural Born Killers (1994). So, like, is this Bonnie and Clyde with power tools?

Cannibals, Vampires, Talking Trees

Lots of horror movies as of late. Wonder that the stinkin’ heck that’s all about? Not like it’s goonin’ me out or anything. Okay, maybe a little.

CHILD EATER (2016)
“Taking it’s cues from dark fairy tales, the story concerns of simple night of babysitting, which takes a horrifying turn when Helen realizes that the bogeyman is real and is in little Lucas’ closet.”

Gotta say, this might be the best horror movie title with a kid reference since 1972’s Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. Child Eater is based on a 2012 short of the same name. Never saw it. I was busy washing and combing my hair the entire year. (And what a shine!)

WOLVES AT THE DOOR (2017)
“Four friends gather at an elegant home during the Summer of Love, 1969. Unbeknown to them, deadly visitors are waiting outside. What begins as a simple farewell party turns to a night of primal terror as the intruders stalk and torment the four, who struggle for their lives against what appears to be a senseless attack.”

A questionable rendering of the counter-culture Manson murders nearly 50 years ago. Who needs hippie reenactments when today’s home invasion die kill bleed movies (i.e., Them/2006, The Strangers/2008, and You’re Next/2013) are almost as nasty as the real thing?

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (March, 2017)
“A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.”

Since most painters are struggling, by extension that means they’re all possessed by satanic forces. That, or cadmium yellow.

LEATHERFACE (2017)
“The origin story for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), in which a young nurse is kidnapped by four violent teens who escape from a mental hospital and take her on a road trip from hell. Pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge, one of these teens is destined for tragedy and horrors that will destroy his mind, molding him into the monster we now call Leatherface.”

The seventh sequel for this butt-rubbed-raw franchise (that was supposed to come out 2015). You ever see a cow that’s been over-milked? Looks like leather.

THE TRANSFIGURATION (2017)
“A 14-year-old misfit gets bullied at school and immerses himself in the world of vampires to escape his solitude when he returns home.”

You can tell this kid is already messed up when he delves into the world of vampires instead of preferred Victoria’s Secret™ underwear catalogs. Sorry bloodsuckers; I’m tradin’ you in for a Dream Angels’™ sheer floral lace tunic. I don’t care if it costs $68. I’ll get another job.

WITHOUT NAME (2017)
There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Hey, Eric — don’t listen to those trees, man; They’re a bunch of Republicans. Bushes, too. (Heh.) And don’t get me started on that smack talkin’ Scotch broom…

Eat Your Neighbors

’Ol Eddy Gein – simple Plainfield, Wisconsin farm boy, eater of pork ’n beans, collector of women’s naughty parts – was the Norman Bates of his day. And like Norm, Ed was ruled by the oppressive memory of his dead, Revelations-spouting mommy, which caused him to go out and cleanse the world of harlots, hookers, and assorted skanks.

Ed Gein (2000) is based on the true adventures of Ed and his grave-robbing/serial killing spree of the ’50s, and gave Leatherface a bankable career. That said, this lurid and grim flick sticks to the roof of your mouth like peanut butter. Or dead skin covered in peanut butter.

When he’s not killing and dissecting women to make his own skin suit (which he dances around in during full moons), he seems likable enough, baby-sitting neighborhood kids, hanging out at the corner bar, buying anti-freeze and rat poison at the town’s hardware store. But let mamma get in his brain, and schiz hits the fan.

Not particularly gory (although there are icky body parts and human faces made into masks), the true eeriness is actual 1950s newsreel footage of the real Ed Gein’s arrest on his farm after the killings. Steve Railsback plays the title character just a little too good; just don’t go over to his farm to congratulate him.

P.S. Try your very bestest not to confuse this Ed Gein with Ed Gein: The Butcher of Plainfield, released in 2007. It’d be easy to, though, given that it’s the exact same movie and titled so close as to be a sequel.

Horror Massacre’d

The suggestive noun “massacre” – a 1580s, French word meaning “wholesale slaughter, carnage” – first got its Broadway movie marquee worthy start in 1974 with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Few, if any horror movies, has ever had a better title. You didn’t even need to see it as the name said it all and gave you nightmares in your pants.

This set off a series of horror movies using that highly marketable buzzword, including The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), Sorority House Massacre (1986), Nail Gun Massacre (1985), Swingers Massacre (1975), Drive-in Massacre (1977), and my fav, Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (aka, Harpoon/2009). P.S. No whales were massacred during the filming of said movie – just endangered people.

Now, because it just seems right, “massacre” is making a comeback, despite the evening news tarnishing its reputation. Three new horror movies – Garden Party Massacre, The Funhouse Massacre and Sheborg Massacre, all have imminent release dates as it pertains to the calendar you’re looking at on your smartass phone.

Here’s press release sales pitches as to why you might let these movies massacre your wallet…

GARDEN PARTY MASSACRE
A fast-paced, hilarious romp in the vein of Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), telling the tale of a backyard gathering of friends that goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives. With a pickax. And an attitude.

THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE
Six of the worlds scariest psychopaths escape from a local asylum and proceed to unleash terror on the unsuspecting crowd of a Halloween Funhouse whose themed mazes are inspired by their various reigns of terror.

SHEBORG MASSACRE
When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into machines that feed on puppy flesh, Dylan – a self styled tough girl and punk activist — has to decide if she believes in any cause enough to risk her life, take on the SheBorg menace, and save the world.

All three sound pretty cool. Doubtful they’ll instill as much horifying impact as the evening news, though. Thanks, mainstream media, for desensitizing me. Now all I do is laugh when watching horror movies. We weren’t supposed to do that.

Blood-Soaked Bunny

The last time I wrote about the cannibal serial killer Bunnyman (chainsaw-wielding psycho in a rabbit costume) was November 24, 2011. I can prove it – click HERE for my unrecognized excellence-in-journalism coverage.

So now comes The Bunnyman Massacre with a plot that sounds familiar: “Joe and Bunnyman’s adventure continue in a rural ghost town. Bunnyman’s bloodlust knows no bounds, as he slaughters indiscriminately anything that crosses his path. Joe is all too happy to encourage his behavior, selling the dead victims as beef jerky in his local store.”

The Bunnyman Massacre is an obvious spin on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). But is this franchise any good? Dunno – I haven’t seen much more than the YouTube™ trailers. Not too intrigued by a guy in a bunny costume hacking up people with a power tool, though. The concept seems kinda lazy – like me, only bloodier. Still, I give props to the filmmaker for trying to develop a new horror icon, though I probably would’ve went with a psycho raccoon. Those things freak me out.