Hallowed By Thy Knife, Smart Sex, Pig Candy

Horror and sci-fi movie themed board games are all the rage these days, what with TV becoming increasingly annoying and…yeah, I’m saying it…boring. Never thought I’d utter those word in this lifetime, but there you go. So one of the new horror movie-based board games coming out September 15, 2023 (preorder here), is Halloween, built on the global phenomenon 1978 movie by the same name, whatever that is.

From the Trick or Treat Studios™ website: “It was the night HE came home…and one player must take on the role of Michael Myers! The others will control Laurie and her friends as they scramble to find weapons, the kids, and a way to escape. Their task will be made more difficult because Myers can only be seen when you’re looking right at him!” 

Cool! And for a mere $59.95, you can get in on the action. Speaking of, the Halloween character I’d like to play is Bob, the guy who drinks beer and has unprotected ’70s sex with P.J. Soles before being violated by Michael Myers’ stainless steel mascot. If you’re gonna go out, you might as well score before losing the game.

So while we go back and rewatch Halloween and hit pause during that one scene (you better know this one), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better than a cold beer and a hot knife right after engaging in unprotected sex…

CULT HERO / Out now (VOD)

In a world plagued by narcissistic cult leaders who wield their power and abandon their morals, only one hero can bring justice and restore order – Dale Domazar, otherwise known as the Cult Buster. After failing to bust a death cult before they commit mass suicide, a rough-around-the-edges Domazar finds himself the victim of online vitriol, and soon, his career is canceled. He tries to regain the respect he once had and figure out an angle for a new season of his show, Cult Buster.”

Wonder if Dale would come after me, given that I abandoned my morals decades ago. Heck, I kicked those demons to the curb before I knew what they were. It’s all about taking the low road for this guy.

SAPIOSEXUAL / May 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Three people gather for an ‘uncoupling celebration,’ arranged by the aging narcissist Liam. Both Hannah and Freddie, Liam’s guests as well as victims, have dark ties to his past and plenty of their own secrets. When the power goes out during a thunderstorm the deepest truths are revealed, changing each person’s life forever.”

Never heard the term sapiosexual before so I looked it up on this little thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it). Sapiosexuality means that “a person is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, so much so that they consider it to be the most important trait in a partner.” Guess that counts me out.

MASS HYSTERIA / October 1, 2023 (VOD)

“When a tourist dies on Halloween night in Salem, the crowd seeks justice by mounting a modern day witch hunt.”

This one’s being described as a comedy, though I see nothing funny about tourists.

PEPPERGRASS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the pandemic, a pregnant restaurateur tries to rob a priceless truffle from a reclusive World War II veteran.”

And judging by the movie’s poster art, there’s a really big pig guarding the truffle, which as we all learned in kindergarten, is the fruiting body of a subterranean ascomycete fungus, predominantly one of the many species of the genus Tuber. Now…where’s my juicy juice box?

Sleeping With Zombies, Underwear Sharks, Demon Babies

In the 1978 zombie game changer Dawn of the Dead, a few humans hole up in a shopping mall to ride out the chewable apocalypse. Two of said humans are what remains of a SWAT team. Life in the mall is sweet — until zombies drop in for a bite. Roger “Trooper” DeMarco, one of the loose cannon SWAT guys, gets careless and ends up bitten by one of the germ-infected undead, and slowly turns into one of the gang. The scene of him lying in a mall-provided bed about to die and then un-die, is one of Dawn of the Dead’s most iconic moments. And now, thanks to Trick or Treat Studios™, you can get that moment immortalized as a pillow pal prop.

From Trick or Treat Studios™ and Radar Licensing’s™ product description: “We are proud to present the official Dawn of the Dead Roger Pillow Pal Prop from George A Romero’s classic zombie film, Dawn of the Dead. This beautifully sculpted prop is an amazing recreation of Roger as he turns into a zombie in one of the most famous scenes in zombie cinema. The Roger Pillow Pal comes with a pillow that Roger is attached to via Velcro so you place Roger in your own bed!”

Simply put, your horror life will not be complete until you have a zombie Roger Pillow Pal next to you every night. And at $79.99, it’s a small price to pay to be fulfilled. So while you rush over to NightmareToys.com to get on (buy it now), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as sweet as living in a shopping mall…

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE ATTACK / November, 2023 (Theaters)

“Three young astronomers tracking a meteorite crashing into Earth discover they are at the epicenter of a Martian invasion.”

Kinda racist to assume the invasion was started by Martians. Maybe its those extraterrestrials from Uranus. I hear they’re a bunch of…a**holes. Heh. 

BIG SHARK / April 2, 2023 (VOD)

“Three firefighters must save New Orleans from a shark attack.”

The trailer for this one is an understatement of confusing, being part boxing movie, part shark attack and part underwear commercial. The shark part is cool and I suppose we could always use new underwear, especially after you fill ’em while watching the extra-extra-large Carcharodon carcharias jump out of the water and chomp on land dwellers. Maybe the boxing part is to show how they’re gonna battle the shark — with a stiff uppercut. In these terms, maybe Big Shark isn’t that confusing at all.

WINTERTIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Beth, a volunteer watch person of an isolated northern city battles a plague of depression that transforms the few remaining residents into empty, zombie-like automatons. She discovers that by entering an alternative dimension through her own dreams, she’s able to stave off the illness during the long, possibly endless winter. But will her power be enough to sustain her?”

Alternative dimension = drinking. It’s not science, people.

NIGHTMARE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mona moves into a big apartment in an old building with her boyfriend Robby, who has just landed his dream job, and soon falls pregnant with their first child. She is plagued by bad dreams, and when the new-born baby next door dies, her crippling nightmares intensify — night after night, the same demon attacks her in her sleep. Mona begins to believe that the creature is very real and that it is seeking to enter our world through her unborn child. Soon she will realize that not all nightmares are over when you wake up.”

All newborns are angels, but eventually turn into demons…and stay that way until they turn 18 and you kick ’em out of the house.

Grisly Game, Hell’s Flophouse, Holiday Varmint

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out in 1974 and almost overnight became one of the most notorious and shocking movies ever made, despite the fact a victim being sawed into barbecue fixins by the human-skin masked Leatherface was never shown. Sure, you heard the shrieks and the revving chainsaw, but you didn’t get to see the gory-fied action. Behold, the power of suggestion.

Now, nearly five decades later, you finally get the chance to play out your “death by power tool” fantasies with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game. And at $59.95, which was ironically more than TCM’s film budget, you can afford to. Beats paying to see all nine of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s crappy sequels. Here’s what your coveted pocket coupons will get you…

“Trick or Treat Studios™ introduces The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game from designer Scott Rogers with illustrations by Terry Wolfinger. The players’ van has run out of gas, leaving them stranded and at the mercy of the Slaughter family. Work together and push your luck to escape. In this cooperative game, all players win or lose as a group. Pull tokens from a gruesome bag to take actions — but be careful, pulling too many may antagonize the Slaughter family.”

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game is set to ship March 31, 2023 — preorder it HERE. While we’re getting in the mood by going to a hardware store and buying (or “purchasing”) the Poulan™ 306a saw (the model used in the movie), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you just got a haircut with a power tool…

THE HOUSE THAT EATS FLESH / Out now (VOD)

“There is a house that has been passed down from generation to generation, but it isn’t just any ordinary house. This house is built on the Gates of Hell. A group of friends desperate to have a nice holiday together will discover the truth of what goes on inside. The doors are locked, the windows are barred — and something sinister is breaking through the floor.”

A house built on the Gates of Hell. Well, dang — they finally made a movie about the Tug Tavern.

THE MEAN ONE / December 9, 2022 (Theaters/Limited), December 15, 2022 (free online)

“In a sleepy mountain town, Cindy has her parents murdered and her Christmas stolen by The Mean One — a bloodthirsty green figure in a red Santa suit . But when the ravenous, Christmas hating creature begins to terrorize the town and threatens to ruin the holiday, she finds a new purpose — trapping and killing the monster.”

Bloodthirsty green figure. I bet its the Green Goblin. Or Green Lantern. Or Shrek. Or Kermit the Frog. Or the incredible Hulk, who is more than noticeably green. I’m calling for a police lineup. 

WOLF MANOR / January 9, 2023 (DVD & Digital Download)

“Shooting a vampire flick in an old, abandoned manor house should have worked like a dream, but the British film crew is out of their depth, over schedule and desperate to get the shoot finished and go home. However, as the moon turns full, the nightmare begins. Blood flows and the body count rises as cast and crew meet the manor’s resident werewolf.”

Werewolves rarely mind their manors. Heh.

BRIDE OF THE KILLER PIÑATA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“10 years after finally defeating the Killer Piñata, Lindsey Goodman finds herself struggling with domestic life in the suburbs. When a new piñata arrives looking for help, the Killer Piñata wakes, mentoring her in its murderous ways and reigning hell down on the suburbs. With her family in the cross-hairs, Lindsey must rally the old crew one last time to send the Killer Piñata back to Hell for good.”

Okay…what? I really hope Lindsay’s old crew is rally-able as having the Killer Piñata casing the suburbs devalues everyone’s cul-de-sac.

Frightful Figurine, Vagrant Vampires, Germ Grub

Of the many non-alcohol-related things to spend your money on, you can’t do much better than a huge Pennywise doll that’s almost as tall as you are, assuming you’re over four feet in height, not counting high heels/platform Disco shoes. The only thing scarier than this doll, though, is its price: $699.99. Whew — glad it’s not $700.00 as that would break the bank.

From the freakin’ awesome Trick or Treat Studio’s™ website: “Warner Bros.™ and Trick or Treat Studios™ are proud to present the Official IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll. Sculpted by Mark Anthony, this amazing doll measures 50” tall and is made of soft flexible foam surrounding an industrial strength posable aluminum frame. The doll is dressed in highly detailed clothing and shoes and features a beautiful paint job. The IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll comes in a themed window box.”

Shipping is estimated to begin May 8, 2023 — just in time for National No Socks Day. And yes, that’s a real holiday. (Still waiting for National No Pants Day because, hey…NO PANTS!) The website also tells us the IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll does not stand on its own without support. Well heck, neither do I.

So while we’re “donating” blood for cash 85 times in order to pay for this must-have punchinello (sorry — word of the day calendar. Apparently, it means “clown”), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stand on their own without support…

DOWN AND OUT IN VAMPIRE HILLS / Out now (VOD)

“Vampires are at the top of the food chain. They are glamorous, seductive, elegant, and magnetic. They can also be old, out of touch and a tad eccentric. What does a vampire have to do to survive in the 21st century? Seriously, do vampires have to get jobs? How else to pay the rent? Homelessness and bloodsucking collide in this tale and the question that is asked is: Are vampires predators or prey? Even vampires can be down and out in a time when no one knows who is eating whom. On the other hand, if a vampire has a pair of cute boots, she may be able to handle anything.”

Makes sense that vampires would want to squat in an upscale community. Boots — social media-deemed cute or otherwise — are hard to find in Transylvania. A stylish cape maybe, but not footwear to digitally flaunt/die for.

THE HARBINGER / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“When her oldest friend is plagued by horrific nightmares from the beyond, Monique is forced to travel to NYC. On the first night of the visit, Monique learns the dreams are contagious – and so is the Harbinger, the plague mask-wearing demon who not only feeds on its victim’s souls, but warps reality itself to remove any trace of their existence.”

Wish I could do that. By that I mean be a mask-wearing demon, but not feed on souls. Souls taste weird and don’t leave you feeling satiated. Plague sandwiches on the other hand…

ERBSÜNDE / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“In search of an adventurous story in the woods, a group of journalism students awaken a superhuman being from its lost cyro chamber. A long night of man-hunting and desperation begins.”

If I was a super-human being who just woke up in the woods, the first thing I’d do is kick a tree in half, fry the students who disturbed my ancient slumber with zig-zaggy beams that shoot out of my eyes, and punch an aircraft carrier right in the anchor. Then I’d go a get a Deluxe Burger and a small Diet Coke™ at Frisko Freeze™. Wow, I really went off the road just now.

HELLBILLY HOLLOW / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Bull not only protects his not-so-small younger brother from the outside world — but also the outside world from Tickles. A team of YouTube™ paranormal activity investigators come to a haunted attraction in the backwoods and find more than they bargained for as they follow thrill-seekers on a haunted hayride. Fear and death follow those who enter and seek the past.”

Someone is named Tickles? I’m so dang mad at my mom for not naming me that. Thanks a lot…MOM. If I was named Tickles, not only would I instill fear and death ‘n stuff, I’d charge a LOT more for haunted hay rides and… Geez, still coloring outside the lines. I gotta stop eating those chocolate-covered psychedelic mushrooms with sprinkles. If I was named Sprinkles…

Zombie Headwear, Pig People, Lab Rats

Horror movie make-up legend Tom Savini and his Trick or Treat Studios is once again making his line of Halloween (or church) full-head zombie masks available for money. This is good news for those of us who want to explore a new fashion look for around $25.00. (No word if these masks are made of human skin.)

Savini knows what a zombie should look like, having worked on such horror movies as Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985) and even directing the Night of the Living Dead reboot in 1990. Using his vast experience and flesh-rotting art skills, Savini is offering the mask models “Graves,” “Mort” and “Tombed”, which will ship in August/September 2019.

While you hit up the boss for an advance on your paycheck to get in on this action, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be suitable for Halloween and/or church…

I’M JUST F*CKING WITH YOU (April 1, 2019/Hulu™)
“A man and his sister on the way to a family wedding endure a night of increasingly frightening practical jokes during a one-night stay at a secluded motel.”

Great movie title. Bet parents will be taking their under-age kids to this one.

RED 11 (pending distribution/2019)
“Red 11 is a horror/thriller set in a dark, twisted version of the Legal Drug Research world. At these facilities, young guys become lab rats to make quick money, but our hero RED 11 is here to buy his way out of a huge debt to the tune of $7,000. This story shows the quirks, characters, and comedy of being a human lab rat, but with a sci-fi and horror twist, because while under the influence of experimental drugs, Red 11 doesn’t know if what’s in front of him is fact or fiction.”

This one is from Robert Rodriguez, so even with the low production budget of $7,000, it’ll look at least like $9,000 movie. There’s an interesting TRUE story behind this (from the press release) — “The movie is based on the research hospital where Robert Rodriguez sold his body to pay for El Mariachi (1993), ‘Red 11’ is the shirt color and number he was assigned.” I need to find that place so I can get the rent paid this month. Let’s see Rodriguez make a movie outta that.

TALES FROM THE LODGE (2019/UK)
“In an isolated lodge somewhere in England, five old university pals, now nudging 40, gather for a weekend to scatter the ashes of their friend, Jonesy, who drowned himself in the lake three years earlier. They settle in for a fun evening, entertaining each other with stories of murders, ghosts, zombies and possessions, but as day turns to night the gang become aware of another horror story unfolding around them. And this one is real.”

Is this a cliched horror movie plot or an episode of Scooby Doo? Just thinkin’ out loud — I’ll probably watch it regardless.

BULLETS OF JUSTICE (2019)
“During the Third World War, the American government initiates a secret project named ‘Army Bacon’ in order to create super soldiers by breeding human beings with pigs. 25 years later a breed called ‘Muzzles’ have occupied the top of the food chain, eating and farming humans like animals. Rob Justice is an ex-bounty hunter working for the last line of human resistance – a group of survivors hiding in a nuclear bunker deep underground. His mission is to find out how Muzzles came to power and destroy them.”

Army bacon? Breeding humans with pigs? Hybrids called Muzzles? Head..about…to…explode — too…many…jokes…

Metal For Your Face, Empowered Horror Women, Cursed Movie Stars

If you’re a fan of heavy metal (again, why wouldn’t you be?), you’ll load your britches over a gaggle of new Iron Maiden “Eddie” Halloween masks by Trick or Treat Studios (.com). Eddie, as everyone in the universe knows (even aliens), is the ghoulish mascot for Iron Maiden, gracing the cover of all their albums, sometimes as a zombie slasher, undead WWII pilot, an Egyptian mummy and even a living dead cyborg. If I was a cyborg, I’d want to look like Eddie. Then we could hang out all day and do cool cyborg stuff.

So now Trick or Treat Studios is set to release four new Iron Maiden full head masks, including “Aces High” Eddie, Powerslave, Somewhere in Time Eddie, Final Frontier Eddie, and Number of the Beast Eddie. What, no Groundhog’s Day Eddie? Prices for this sublime face-wear ranges from $49.99 — $59.00. A mere pittance to look like one of heavy metal’s most famous icons.

A little history: the rotting, skeletal visage of Eddie was done by artist Derek Riggs, was based on an original design by art student who just happened to be BBFs with Dave “Lights” Beasley, who, back in the early band days, was in charge of lighting, pyrotechnics and other hearing-damaging effects for Iron Maiden’s live show.

The new masks will be available August/September of this year, which I was just told is 2018. Geez, it was 1980 just a few days ago. So while we wait for our molded plastic makeover, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to bang your rubber-encased head to…

DEAD LIST (May 1, 2018/VOD)
“Calvin is competing with five other actors — Zander, Scott, Kush, Jason and Bob — for a major movie role. Stopping at nothing to win the role of a lifetime, he uses a demonic book to curse his fellow actors, with each actor being killed off in their own separate unique and terrifying chapter.”

Sounds like one of those Final Destination (2000) things, but with demon flavorings added. The only demonic book I know is the TV Guide™. That flippin’ thing is evil and will suck your soul right out of your eyeballs on a nightly basis for hours at a time.

MARY SHELLEY (May 25, 2018)
“Passionate and rebellious teenager Mary Wollstonecraft finds a kindred spirit in poet Percy Shelley. Their whirlwind love affair scandalizes polite society, as the young couple gorge on literature and a bohemian life. When tragedy strikes and the couple lose their baby daughter, Mary strikes back, finding the courage and bravery to transform her pain into the world’s first science fiction novel, Frankenstein— all by the age of 18.”

Mary Shelley, back in the 1800s, was the woman who created Frankenstein, but she’s not the only one. Have you met my mom?

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (June 22, 2018)
“Young and disenchanted Sam meets a mysterious and beautiful woman who’s swimming in his building’s pool one night. When she suddenly vanishes the next morning, Sam embarks on a surreal quest across Los Angeles to decode the secret behind her disappearance, leading him into the murkiest depths of mystery, scandal and conspiracy.”

I’m thinkin’ the girl in the pool is a ghost mermaid on the swim from the Law. As for the surreal quest across Los Angeles, just driving a few blocks in Hollywood definitely qualifies.

DON’T LEAVE HOME (2018/2019)
“An American artist’s obsession with a disturbing urban legend leads her to an investigation of the story’s origins at the crumbling estate of a reclusive painter in Ireland.”

I can only guess that the urban legend is a sober Irishman. Heh.