Ancient Greek Cow Thing

In Greek mythology (what Greek isn’t mythology?) a Minotaur is a half bull/half man creature that originally dwelt (that’s such a cool word) at the center of the Labyrinth, an elaborate underground maze built for King Minos of Crete (that total penis owes me after I spotted him some drachma), and designed by the architect Daedalus to hold the barnyard curiosity.

He and his son Icarus (that guy in the Iron Maiden song) built it so Minotaur could dwelt in it. They tried to make a movie of this HISTORICALLY-PROVEN FACT, with Tony Todd (Candyman with war paint on his stomach) as the local warlord king who sacrifices teenagers to the Minotaur Cow Thing.

In a nearby village a guy’s girlfriend was taken to be chucked into the Labyrinth. So much for a second date with boobie-feeling privileges. He and a bunch of other villagers break into the castle to find her, only to get themselves in the same can ’o ancient soup. The Minotaur is thinkin’ it’s a restaurant on legs with all the trimmings.

Upstairs, though, the mean king is trying to get busy with his supermodel sister. This girl is so hot she makes Beyoncé look like a cow pie with mascara. But little sister grows tired of Candyman’s nightly attempts to get her to ride the baloney pony. Maddened, he throws the non-putting out mattress candy into the pit with the rest of the losers. Oh sure, there’s some more plot, but none of it matters, especially when there’s an enlarged demonic skull cow charging through the maze to gore people with his horns and hooves of doom.

His frequent attacks look like the heavy metal version of the running of the bulls; You’d expect the Minotaur to look like the Bigfoot business model of a hairy milk cow, but not this time. The Minotaur is all skeletal with evil skin hanging of it and a skull face and horns the size of whaling scrimshaws (harpoons, for all you non-Moby Dick heads). There’s a LOT of screaming. Truth be told, if I was being chased by the Minotaur, I’d make sure that darn thing slips in the adrenaline fluid spraying out of my sprinting backside.

The title creature (Minotaur/2006) is pretty dang cool and is the same one on the DVD box. OK, it might actually be his brother, but they look so much alike as to be twins. And Candyman? Let’s just say, you mess with the bull you get the horn. Heh.

Cults, Co-Eds, Contamination, Cataclysm

Is it just my imagination or are there horror movies being made all the time? Seems like I can’t get out of bed without stepping in a wet pile of new genre flicks. Don’t these filmmakers have day jobs? Wish I could sit in a tall chair all day and yell “Cut”! through a huge megaphone. That’d be sweet.

That implied, here are four new horror flicks (as if this e-blogging) to goose up your Halloween before Christmas decorations go up the day after.

SATANIC (October 4, 2016)
“Satanic follows a van full of young, college-aged coeds who are visiting old Satanic Panic-era sites in Los Angeles. They end up following the creepy owner of an occult store home, only to find themselves saving a suspicious girl from an apparent human sacrifice. Only this ‘victim’ turns out to be much more than dangerous then the cult from which she escaped.”

College-aged co-eds. Sounds like an oxymoron, with emphasis on the moron. Does this make it chick horror? Of course it does.

ANTIDOTE (October 21, 2016)
“Antidote takes place in a plague-ridden, post-apocalyptic world. Here, a man and woman face unimaginable horrors. When he suddenly becomes infected, they have to contend with the fact that the only possible cure slowly drives him mad.”

How come the future is always post-apocalyptic, plague-ridden and…oh, that’s right –Republicans.

THE CURSE OF DOCTOR WOLFFENSTEIN (October 25, 2016)
“80 years ago, the diabolical Dr. Victor Wolffenstein wanted nothing more than to be immortal. His tireless quest led him to create a vaccine that did just that, but also infected his body with a flesh-rotting form of necrosis. As the doctor’s limbs literally fell apart, he tried to replace them by using the crudely removed arms and legs of the local villagers who, in order to stop Wolffenstein’s reign of terror, captured him and buried him alive for his crimes.”

There’s more, including five present day teens who f’up and resurrect Wolffy who gets his mutilation on. I have zero pity for them. This one promises to be “the ultimate experience in violence and gore.” If you’re gonna go around calling yourself Wolffenstein, I’d expect nothing less. That, or start a metal band.

TERRORTORY (October 31, 2016)
“Terrortory is an anthology horror film in the vein of Creepshow and Tales From The Crypt. It features six horrific tales set in the mythical region of Maryland known for an abundance of strange happenstances and urban legends.”

Watch this one free on Amazon Prime™ October 1, 2016 – October 31, 2016. And as for Maryland being known for “an abundance of strange happenstances and urban legends,” clearly they haven’t been to the Poggie Tavern™ during last call.

Vampires, Haunted Houses and 7-Eleven

Four more upcoming (as of this date in time) horror film-y thingies for your monetary consideration. First  thought has me questioning the people who write these press releases. If you want to do a half-assed job…HIRE ME!

PATIENT SEVEN (October 11, 2016)
“Dr. Marcus, a renowned psychiatrist has selected six severe mentally ill and dangerous patients, from the Spring Valley Mental Hospital as part of research for his new book. As Dr. Marcus interviews each patient, one by one the horrors they have committed begin to unfold. However, Dr. Marcus soon learns that there is one patient that has been kept from him, by the hospital’s administrator, Dr. Vincent…”

That Dr. Vincent is such a dick. Why would he keep a patient from Dr. Marcus? That is just plain mean. You give an ass-wipe a name tag and they think they own the world.

VAMPYRES (October 18, 2016)
Vampyres – faithful to the sexy, twisted 1974 cult classic, takes place in a stately English manor inhabited by two older lesbian vampires and their only cohabitant – a man imprisoned in the basement. Their lives and lifestyle are upended when a trio of campers come upon their lair and seek to uncover their dark secrets, a decision that has sexual and blood-curdling consequences.”

Vampyres is said to “pulsate with raw eroticism, wicked sado-masochism and bloody, creative gore.” It’s like a party-platter gone wild.

HOUSE OF PURGATORY (October 21, 2016)
“Four mid-western teenagers search for a fabled haunted house on Halloween night. Finding it, they slowly realize that the house knows each of their deepest secrets. One-by-one the house uses these secrets against them. Then, they find themselves in a battle to save their lives and their souls!”

A house that knows each of their deepest secrets? They don’t know it yet, but they stumbled into a 7-Eleven™.

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (December 20, 2016)
“Two coroners – a father and son – receive a mysterious homicide victim with no apparent cause of death. As they attempt to identify the beautiful young ‘Jane Doe,’ they discover increasingly bizarre clues that hold the key to her terrifying secrets.”

You’re probably thinking the secret is she’s a he. An autopsy should settle that argument.

Spiders, Ghosts & Ancient Evil

Another handful of upcoming flicks to get your seasonal horror on. Be warned – each of these movies want you to pay to see ’em. I know, right? Totally. Messed. Up.

RUPTURE (pending 2017)
“A single mom is violently kidnapped by a group of strangers. In an anonymous laboratory she is tied up and questioned about her medical history, including her pronounced fear of spiders. The captors explain that a genetic abnormality can potentially allow her to ‘rupture,’ revealing her own true alien nature.”

Did they just give away the whole movie? Sounds to me like she’s gonna pop and out will come a million billion spiders. And as the Mother of Spiders, that’s a lot of diapers to change.

THE EYES OF MY MOTHER (December 2, 2016)
“In their secluded farmhouse, a mother – formerly a surgeon in Portugal – teaches her daughter, Francisca, to understand anatomy and be unfazed by death. Francisca’s loneliness and scarred nature converge years later when her longing to connect with the world around her takes on a dark form.”

Yep, she’s gonna become a hippie.

DEAD AWAKE (October 2016)
“A young woman who must save herself and her friends from an ancient evil that stalks its victims through the terrifying real-life phenomenon of sleep paralysis.”

I have a hard time reconciling sleep paralysis with not wanting to get out of bed. And the ancient evil they’re talking about? That’s when you’re right in the middle of a cool sleep paralysis dream and you have to get up to pee.

SHORTWAVE
“Josh and Isabel Harris, after suffering the loss of their only child, relocate to a secluded research facility with the hopes of repairing their broken family. After years of trying, Josh and his research partner, Thomas, have a breakthrough involving a cryptic shortwave radio signal and its universal origins. Something within the signal resonates with Isabel and she begins experiencing seeming hallucinations and visions of distant memories. Upon further investigation into the phenomenon, the scientists fear for Isabel’s health while Isabel fears the signal has attracted something sinister to their new home.”

I liked it better when it was called White Noise (2005).

The Eeval Ded

Evil just doesn’t exist in the United States – it’s everywhere, man. Why, you can’t even go to the North Pole and not encounter pure evil. (They have satanic penguins up there that’ll kill you and drink your blood. The produce guy at the grocery store told me that. I believe him. Why the heck would he lie?)

So it comes as zippo surprise to find our brand of evil is being copied by other countries in need of an evil upgrade. Take for instance Bhayanak Mahal B (1988) and Bach ke Zaraa (2008, two horror movies made in the Republic of India. Both copy The Evil Dead (1981) to embarrassing extremes.

Bach ke Zara – unofficially referred to as Bollywood Evil Dead. In this one you have a note-for-note rendition, except they throw in skimpily attired ladies, body smooching, and a choreographed dance number featuring a mud smeared (I hope it was mud) chick and muscle-y men. (Note to India – why on Earth do you always have to put in a choreographed dance sequence in every flippin’ horror movie? What is wrong with you?)

The pronunciation-challenging Bhayanak Mahal B (you gotta say it with your throat packed with half-swallowed dry cereal), translates to Awesome Castle B. I never saw Awesome Castle A.

This one also templates The Evil Dead schtick with melty-faced demons (or it could be a vampire), suitable gore (could’ve used some more curry in the fury) and a chick in a red string bikini. (Apparently, stylish swimwear is how you combat evil in India.)

Curious to see these logic-defying foreign horror gems? They’re on YouTube™. Some versions are in bowling alley English and even sub-titled (some with their own language). But hey – free! Now there’s something worth choreographed dancing to.

P.S. If you wanna see a really goofy but still f’d up Bollywood horror movie, try Khooni Panja (1991). It’s about a an extra-marital affair gone sour, volleyball, severed limbs and demonic possession. Too bad they didn’t add, I don’t know, some sort of dance sequence. That would’ve made this thing rock.

Ninjas, Zombies and Sleeping Bags

In the title-better-than-the-movie Ninjas vs. Zombies (2008), some guy’s brother dies and is somehow resurrected with evil powers and uses his abilities to eat souls and bring dead people back to life to do something that involves breaking the law.

The only ones who have a chance at stopping him are his brother and two buddies, who are magically turned into white boy ninjas. (You have to do this when the movie’s budget is about the price you’d pay for a used sleeping bag.)

The story jumps around like the ninjas and the zombies are just friends with red and black gunk on their faces. There was one naked girl in the movie for two seconds. That part I thoroughly enjoyed.

That Damned House

1963: Two couples looking to have a romantic anniversary weekend to feel each other up move into the last un-rented castle (or, House of the Damned) with a view in California, only to discover there are dead mutant circus freaks partying in the basement. (Say what you will about dead mutant circus freaks, those guys know how to throw a happenin’ shindig!)

This doesn’t bother the couple and their two unhappily married friends nearly as much as the headless woman and a half-man wandering (okay rolling) around without a glass of White Zinfandel™ in their hands. That simply wouldn’t happen in Napa Valley, or “wine country.”

Dress, Undress, Possess

Mom was a witch. For that she had to burn. So dad and baby daughter sift through the ashes of their motherless lives and go far away to someplace I forgot to remember.

Seventeen years later the stinking hot daughter is set to inherit some serious cash cake as decreed by mom’s family. One slight change in plan: mom is coming back from the dead and needs her daughter’s stinking hot body to further her work. I love this plan.

 The Haunting of Morella (1990) is basically a gal/gal ghost story revolving around the attention-holding plot of a lot of carpet-munching, art-y sex scenes in waterfalls (without appropriate swimwear) and porn thespian Maria Ford enunciating in some rather astonishing bikini under thingies.

Lenora/Morella is the stinking hot daughter and thankfully one of the Rug Sisters. Apparently her door swings both ways, which is good for those of us who appreciate a contemporary spin on our possessed ghost stories.

Furnace Face

Ghost Rider is a leather jacket wearing skeleton with a flaming head who drives a demon-fueled motorcycle up the sides of buildings. He also has a flaming whip with which to snap your crime ass.

Before he was a flaming skeleton vigilante, Ghost Rider was Johnny Blaze, a daredevil motorcycle stunt performer. Sheer coincidence about the whole flame/blaze connection.

So how did he get to be such a hot head? The old west town of San Venganza is populated by 1,000 corrupt souls. Mephistopheles sends a Ghost Rider to round ‘em up. GR doesn’t want to do it and runs away. Time to hire a new Ghost Rider. Blaze is offered a deal: his father’s cancer will be cured if he’d sign over his soul. But as in all deal’s with evil, you ultimately get f’d in the b-hole. Hence, the flaming lips.

Blaze takes the job in order to get his soul back. (The deal for his father went up in smoke.) But what a dumbass – you can drive up walls, man! That said, Ghost Rider (2007) is loaded with comic book thrills and PG-language. Needed more flames, though.

Evil Bathrobe

A voluptuous chick has nightmares, so she takes off her shirt. This is clearly the right thing to do when confronted by the unknown.

Her Goth girlfriend picks her up and, after meeting up with friends (a large chick and a reverse attractive large chick), head for the beach to score with men with boogie boards.

The party car only makes it a few miles out of town, so the girls walk right into an unlocked furnished house with plenty of booze and nobody home. Mysterious voices pester the boob-gifted chick, so she takes her clothes off and hops in the bathtub. Again, she has what it takes to smash evil.

The biggest drawback (besides the food stamp-esque budget), is the Evilmaker turns out to be the chick’s ghost ex-boyfriend in a discount black bathrobe. And not an absorbent bathrobe, either. (P.S. Not a spoiler – they practically hand it to you in the beginning as if an obligation-free cheese sandwich.)

Explained in flashbacks, he was caught cheating on her (that butt!) and was chopped up by an axe. Neither deeds are shown onscreen, and it only gets worse when the reverse attractive large chick exposes one of her Sarah Lee™-filled poundcakes.

So how evil is Evilmaker (2000)? About the same as a discount black bathrobe.