Clap For The Wolfman, Jurassic Motorlodge, Magic Man

Horror movie soundtracks are for people who don’t like lyrics. No dis on instrumentals, but it’d be cool if rock music came with an option to hear just the music and not the caterwauling stylings of Axl Rose or that guy from Nickelback, the one with the facial hair.

But I digress. So what if there was a soundtrack to a horror movie that doesn’t even exist? Is that even legal? Apparently so, as you can now buy (or “purchase”) Meat For Wolfman (label: Somafree Institute) by the musically educated musicians Corey J. Brewer and Erik Blood under the pseudonym Blutbraüer. (Names are so much cooler with umlauts.)

Here’s what Fangoria™ says about such a harmonious and possibly illegal undertaking: “Fans of the soundtrack to Jess Franco’s Vampyros Lesbos and Francoise Du Roubaix’s music for Daughters Of Darkness be enticed: this finds a beautiful balance between the hypnotic, horrific and plain funky, using reverb, harpsichord, glockenspiel, disembodied voices and much more.” 

While you dust off your dancing shoes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be made better with a glockenspiel-enhanced soundtrack — or facial hair…

LEGIONS / December 2022 (VOD)

“Antonio is a sorcerer from a powerful bloodline, trapped in an asylum against his will. After an omen informs him that his daughter will be sacrificed by an evil entity, he must use his magical skills to escape and save her.”

So Antonio is a sorcerer. Wonder if he knows Harry Potter? Maybe those two could start a band: The Waving Wands. They could do a cover of “I Put A Spell On You.” Okay, there was no excuse for that. Caught in a shame spiral YET AGAIN.

DINOSAUR HOTEL 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Sienna is forced to play the games once again.”

Dinosaur Hotel (2021) was/is a British monster movie about “a survival game that pits prehistoric beasts against its contestants.” Extrapolated theory: Dinosaur Hotel 2 picks up where Dinosaur Hotel left off. FYI: I tried booking the Dinosaur Hotel on Expedia™. Best I could find was Mariott’s TownePlace Suites™, which is an easy 2.2 mile hitchhike to Dinosaur World in Plant City, FL. They have a pool.

MEDUSA’S VENOM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The beast is back and her venom is deadlier than ever. When newcomer Lola is welcomed into Medusa’s circle, she endures a ritual to bring her closer to her new sisters.”

In Greek mythology, the eternally aggro Medusa is considered the original Karen and is one of three Gorgon monsters. She has snakes for hair. Not sure what kind of shampoo one uses for that condition. Probably Dead & Shoulders™. Heh.

HUESERA: THE BONE WOMAN / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Valeria’s joy at becoming pregnant with her first child is quickly taken away when she’s cursed by a sinister entity. As danger closes in and relationships with her family become fractured, she’s forced deeper into a chilling world of dark magic that threatens to consume her. A group of witches emerge that could be her only hope for safety and salvation, but not without grave risk.”

I liked this better when it was called Rosemary’s Baby (1968).

Meet The New Gods, Same As The Old Gods

When you think about it, Clash of the Titans (the remake, 2010), is Greek mythology’s version of Christianity. You have God (Zeus), Satan (Hades) and Jesus (Perseus), all playing with the lives and minds of humanity. Kinda like beer.

In this case, Argos, a city of the unwashed, is fed up with the Gods not answering their prayers, and destroys all graven images. This, of course, angers the Gods, and they let Hades make them pay for their blasphemy.

The Gods call for the sacrifice of the queen’s supermodel hot daughter, Andromeda. If they don’t BBQ her alive in 10 days they will unleash the Kraken, a mega creature feared by the Gods themselves. Probably because the darn thing is twice the size of Argos and has a wide variety of long tentacles with which to crush and knock over stuff. Just looking at it will cause you to colorize your toga.

Giant scorpions, snake women, gargoyle harpies, flying horses, the Kraken… Christianity was never this cool or fun.

Ancient Greek Cow Thing

In Greek mythology (what Greek isn’t mythology?) a Minotaur is a half bull/half man creature that originally dwelt (that’s such a cool word) at the center of the Labyrinth, an elaborate underground maze built for King Minos of Crete (that total penis owes me after I spotted him some drachma), and designed by the architect Daedalus to hold the barnyard curiosity.

He and his son Icarus (that guy in the Iron Maiden song) built it so Minotaur could dwelt in it. They tried to make a movie of this HISTORICALLY-PROVEN FACT, with Tony Todd (Candyman with war paint on his stomach) as the local warlord king who sacrifices teenagers to the Minotaur Cow Thing.

In a nearby village a guy’s girlfriend was taken to be chucked into the Labyrinth. So much for a second date with boobie-feeling privileges. He and a bunch of other villagers break into the castle to find her, only to get themselves in the same can ’o ancient soup. The Minotaur is thinkin’ it’s a restaurant on legs with all the trimmings.

Upstairs, though, the mean king is trying to get busy with his supermodel sister. This girl is so hot she makes Beyoncé look like a cow pie with mascara. But little sister grows tired of Candyman’s nightly attempts to get her to ride the baloney pony. Maddened, he throws the non-putting out mattress candy into the pit with the rest of the losers. Oh sure, there’s some more plot, but none of it matters, especially when there’s an enlarged demonic skull cow charging through the maze to gore people with his horns and hooves of doom.

His frequent attacks look like the heavy metal version of the running of the bulls; You’d expect the Minotaur to look like the Bigfoot business model of a hairy milk cow, but not this time. The Minotaur is all skeletal with evil skin hanging of it and a skull face and horns the size of whaling scrimshaws (harpoons, for all you non-Moby Dick heads). There’s a LOT of screaming. Truth be told, if I was being chased by the Minotaur, I’d make sure that darn thing slips in the adrenaline fluid spraying out of my sprinting backside.

The title creature (Minotaur/2006) is pretty dang cool and is the same one on the DVD box. OK, it might actually be his brother, but they look so much alike as to be twins. And Candyman? Let’s just say, you mess with the bull you get the horn. Heh.

The Gorgon: Python Perm

The Gorgon, a 1964 horror movie from the legendary Hammer Films in Great British England, is the title creature whose gaze can convert you into stone. It worked on me as I’m all rock (heh).

Of course you’ve heard of this mythological monster with snakes for hair and know it as Medusa. And here’s where I blow you away – they’re sisters! There were/are three of ’em: Stheno, Euryale and Medusa. Collectively, they were known by their gangsta name: The Gorgons. Only one G in this movie, and it plagues the German village of Vandorf in 1910, leaving a trail of stone bones in her wake.

The cops won’t investigate the death of a local gal as they believe the legend of the Gorgon to be true. So they pin it on her boyfriend who committed suicide out of grief, not guilt. This makes scapegoat boy’s dad ultra angry, and sets out to clear the family name, which is Goat. (Just kidding, though that would be really funny.)

Turns out one of the villagers is possessed by the spirit of Megaera, sister to Medusa. Red history flag here. She’s a sister alright, but to Alecto and Tisiphone – and this psycho b*tch is the cause of jealousy, envy and, get this, smacks people who do crime things as well as commit marital infidelity. Okay, now the movie is making sense.

The “Gorgon” shows up three times and does nothing more than step out of the shadows, makes THE FACE and turns people into anatomically correct statues. Too bad those snakes weren’t paying attention to that guy bringing up the rear with that swingin’ sword, or “Greek butter knife.”

Taking a little off the top, Megaera’s head rolls around on the floor and reverts back to its human form. So who the stinkin’ heck is it/she? I would tell you, but I’m already in enough trouble with the other two sisters.

Hell’s Log Ride

The Ferryman (birth name Charon) is that scary dude from Greek mythology who runs the canoe service that takes you across the river Styx, right into downtown Hell. But no one rides for free, so if you don’t have any cash or a debit card to pay him, you’re doomed to loiter on the shores of Acheron for 100 years. Sadness abounds.

So the Ferryman has come to collect on this fat old guy who doesn’t want to go to Hell. But F-Man has this cool ability to move into other bodies, which, as you can imagine, really f’s things up for everyone else.

A Tahiti-bound sailboat carrying three couples detours right into some evil fog, responding to an S.O.S. signal where they find an eerie fishing boat with one person on it. They bring the sole surviving fat guy aboard and the fun commences as his soul, with barely an explanation how, can enter the body of any male or female. When he goes into a chick, he gets to touch that fuzzy private area.

To accomplish this he first has to stab the body he intends to occupy with a magical dagger. The wounds heal miraculously fast…WITHOUT A BAND-AID™! Right there that would’ve been my signal to abandon ship. But as he bounces around each person, the madness, violence and blood-distributing gets insanely intense. Warning: If you like dogs, DO NOT watch the dog scene. If you’re more of a cat person, then go right ahead.

Somehow it’s figured out that the fat guy’s soul is doing all the wife-swapping and in a genius maneuver, gets the tables turned on him big time. When the Ferryman comes to claim his lard-y essence, he shows up looking like a very wet Freddy Krueger, but with a sea cloak instead of a color-coordinated red and green sweater.

The Ferryman (2005) features LOTS of screaming and hemoglobin and not much else. The ending, though, will make you smile as though you just swapped bodies with a porn star.