Space Trippin’, Corpse Cop-A-Feel, Intrusive Intruders

Here’s another thing you didn’t know you needed: Relic of a Jupiter Tomb statuettes. How you thought you’d get through life without ‘em is the million dollar question. Or rather, $325.00, which is the cost of owning one of these crazy cool and colorful and limited to 300 worldwide art pieces. To sweeten the pot, each statuette is hand-painted and airbrushed by master statue craftsmen, making each individual piece unique.

So what exactly are these things? Looks like something a hippie would dream of while tripping on Grateful Dead-grade acid. The artist known as Skinner writes of the statue’s origins: “The men found the relic within the monolithic sarcophagus of Jupiter. They had been trapped for days now, the storm outside having destroyed their ship, leaving them stranded. It was lucky that their space suits had kept them alive this long, but the oxygen wouldn’t last another day…”

Which reminds me — I need to get that hole in my space suit repaired before heading to the store. These statuettes, though, come with a two-sided removable helmet, which can be flipped to present a different design on each side. They come in a “soft touch” collector art box and ship with a certificate of authenticity signed by the House of Gog guys. Preorder ’em here.

While you go rummaging around a monolithic sarcophagus on Jupiter (Uber™ doesn’t go there, so just take the Space Shuttle), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put YET ANOTHER embarrassing hole in your space suit…

THE ANCHOR / Out now (Screambox™)

“Sera, a nightly news anchor, receives a distressing phone call from a mother saying that a man is going to kill her and that Sera is the only one capable of solving her murder. When she discovers that the caller is real, Sera digs deeper into the case to reveal the shocking truth.”

The only calls I get are from guys with Indian accents named Jerry saying they’re calling from a tech support office in Ohio to tell me my computer is infected with a virus and that they can fix it for $798.00. Fairly priced. 

CONFESSIONS OF A NECROPHILE GIRL / December 2022 (DVD)

“Based on the true life story of American necrophile Karen Greenlee. Karen relives the most important moments of her life through a video diary, from childhood to first love and the scandal about her sexual attraction for corpses.”

Not sure where one draws the line with this subject matter, but if your bar is set high for watching live people have sex with dead people, give Nekromantic (1988) a loving gaze.

BERMUDA ISLAND / January 20, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD/VOD/Select Theaters)

“Passengers on their way to a tropical paradise crash at sea and find themselves on a deserted island. Desperate to survive the elements and infighting between survivors, they find that the island has more in store for them than they could ever imagine.”

Like what exactly — exploding coconuts? Inflatable mermaids? Monkey butlers? Should be all of that.

GO AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Liz and her boyfriend Mark travel to a remote home in the woods to visit Sherry, her estranged mother. As Liz and the rest of her family try to put their differences aside long enough to survive dinner, an unexpected knock at the door turns into deadly chaos when a group of masked intruders take the family hostage and force them to play a deadly game of hide and seek.”

Social protocol dictates you call first before dropping by. Masked intruders can be so rude. 

Swimming With Monsters, Jurassic Priest, Spooky Bathtub

It’s not just sharks you have to put at harpoon’s length when swimming in the middle of the ocean with no on-duty lifeguard in sight. There’s gangsta otters, serial killer dolphins, kale seaweed… But in the board game of Float: From the Deep, you also have to swim faster than the other players (i.e., bait) to avoid being fatally nibbled on by sea monsters, watery creatures and the pirate zombies that live, work and party in the deadly deep depths.

Created by Mixtape Massacre™, “Float: From the Deep is a fast-paced tabletop game where players find themselves lost at sea, battling ferocious creatures from below and attempting to outsmart and outlast their fellow players. With only seven days to make it to the island in the foggy distance, its sink, swim, or be devoured by the next monster from the deep.”

The standard version of the game will set you back $39.99 clams. You could buy expansion pack options individually, ranging from $3.00 to $14.99. But do yourself a favor and get Float: The Deep Bundle for $70.96, with a savings of five sand dollars.

While you rummage through your Davy Jones locker (i.e., fishbowl coin jar) to dredge up the required bounty, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you with a sinking feeling…

CONJURING THE GENIE II / Out now (YouTube™)

“An aspiring novelist discovers the deadly reality of the legendary Wishmaker.”

Let the genie out of the 12 oz. bottle and make your all your wishes come true.

A HAUNTED TURKISH BATHHOUSE / January 10, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“An abused wife is sold to a brothel to cover her husband’s debts. The deceitful husband is actually behind it all and in cahoots with the brothel Madame, who is his lover. Tani discovers the truth and gets tortured to death. However, the dead woman’s soul seeks vengeance from a most unusual quarter.”

This movie library essential came out in 1975 and is FINALLY getting the Blu-ray makeover it deserves. I’ve long since worn out the VHS copy I found in a semi-haunted YMCA locker room.

INFINITY POOL / January 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“While enjoying an idyllic, luxury vacation, James encounters the seductive Gabi who promises to show him the hidden side of the island resort. Once beyond the gates, she exposes him to a shocking underworld of violence and sex that pushes his boundaries, with terrifying consequences.”

Shocking violence and sex — the peanut butter and jelly of quality movie plots. Really hoping they push the boundaries to new heights by showing what lies beyond bathing suit areas.

VELOCIPASTOR 2 / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“The crime-fighting clergyman who transforms into a dinosaur is set to travel to Europe in a story that involves murders at an Italian fertility festival, Soviet spies and Interpol.”

A crime-fighting priest who turns into a dinosaur. No regrets, Batman, but you’ve just been replaced.

Monster Master, G-Rated Zombies, Hotel Hell

According to Wikipedia™ (that name sounds so made up), filmmaker John Carpenter is generally recognized as one of the greatest masters of the horror genre. Of course he is. This is the guy who brought us classic horror/sci-fi movies like Halloween (1978), The Fog (1980), The Thing (1982), Christine (1983), Prince of Darkness (1987), Vampires (1998), and Ghost of Mars (2001). Insert mic drop sound here.

So it makes perfect sense Carpenter hosts Masters of Monsters, Godzilla!, a Godzilla Monster Marathon airing November 3rd through November 6th, 2022 on Shout! Factory TV, TokuShoutsu, Scream Factory TV and Shout! Cult. P.S. National Godzilla Day is November 3rd, which amazingly ties in with this show’s G-Fest. Nice timing!

From Shout Factory’s press release: “This November, Shout Factory is celebrating Godzilla day and doing it up big, with Masters of Monsters, Godzilla! Carpenter is sitting down and presenting his four favorite monster films directed by Ishiro Honda: Godzilla, The uncut Japanese original (Gojira), Rodan, Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster, and The War of the Gargantuas. Carpenter will be our Master of Monsters tour guide, making appearances throughout to discuss his love for the franchise.”

While you click on over to MastersofMonsters.com for more info (or “information”), here are a few out now and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may be worthy of a John Carpenter endorsement…

SAWED OFF / Out now (VOD)

“Two hunters, friends for years and vying for the affections of the same woman, find themselves on cursed land where they keep killing each other and coming back to life.”

The beginning of Sawed Off is worth the rental price. There’s naked nudity, outdoor sex, a loaded shotgun, exit wounds… You could stop the movie right here and know you got your money’s worth.

ZOMBIE TOWN / December, 2022 (Theaters)

“A fantastical film turns an entire town into zombies. It’s up to two teenagers to save them.”

This is based on the R.L Stine kid’s horror book of the same name. This means you won’t see zombies mouth-kissing fresh flesh as if it were free hamburgers on sale.

TALES FROM THE OCCULT / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“An old school anthology consisting of three short films, Tales from the Occult is the first in a new omnibus series about the hidden horrors that lurk behind the urban landscape of Hong Kong.”

Wonder what the hidden horrors are lurking behind Hong Kong’s urban landscape? I’m thinkin’ a Ringu or two, undercooked chicken teriyaki bowls, tourists… 

HAZBIN HOTEL / Summer 2023 (VOD)

“Charlie, the princess of Hell, pursues her seemingly impossible goal of rehabilitating demons to peacefully reduce overpopulation in her kingdom. After a yearly extermination imposed by angels, she opens a hotel in the hopes that patients will be ‘checking out’ into Heaven. While most of Hell mocks her goal, her devoted partner Vaggie, and their first test subject, adult film-star Angel Dust, stick by her side. When a powerful entity known as the ‘Radio Demon’ reaches out to assist Charlie in her endeavors, her crazy dream is given a chance to become a reality.”

Adult animation. Cartoon boobies are almost as fun as those mythical real ones. They should make a movie about that.

Pizza Face, Hallucinogenic Worms, Murder Bears

In what is one of the most ingenious Halloween promotional gimmicks in recent memory, Tombstone™ pizza (coolest name ever for the most popular food in any cemetery) is giving away a FREE T-pie to anyone living on an Elm Street, as a direct tie-in to Freddy Krueger’s favorite cul-de-sac (A Nightmare on Elm Street in case it slipped your mind). And hey — with his iconic oven-baked features, Sir Krueger’s face looks so much like a pizza, it should come with extra toppings.)

As first detailed by Bloody-Disgusting.com: “Tombstone™ is rewarding those brave enough to live on a real-life Elm Street with a chance to win FREE pizza this Halloween season (more than 5,000 across the country).”

Do this: From Oct. 3rd – 31st, Elm Street residents can enter online for a chance to win free Tombstone™ pizza.

What You’ll Win: Free Tombstone™ pizza awarded while supplies last. One lucky Elm Street resident will be selected at random to win free pizza for a year. The contest begins on October 3rd, 2022 and you’ll find it RIGHT HERE.

While I get some spray paint and write “Elm” on my street sign, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look as appetizing as a Tombstone™ pizza — or Freddy’s face…

PROJECT LEGION October 7, 2022 (Limited) October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Feral creatures that prey on humans have descended upon the city. A furious fight for survival begins as the outside world descends into chaos and a former Marine, barricaded inside his apartment, prepares to come out fighting.”

Feral creatures preying on humans. Again. Why can’t they prey on microwaved 7-Eleven™ Truckstopper Burritos? Wouldn’t need a Marine to stop ’em after choking down one of those things.

KRATT / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Children are left at Grandma’s without smartphones. Real life seems boring, working feels hard. Luckily they find instructions for Kratt — a magical creature from old Estonian mythology who will do whatever its master says. All they have to do now is buy a soul from the Devil. Life stops being boring in a bloody way.”

Retail price of a Devil-owned soul: $6.66. Low hanging fruit. Too easy. I feel somewhat ashamed. Somewhat.

SHADY GROVE / October 25, 2022 (VOD)

“A young couple, Shaina and Mark, attend a music festival with their best friend Elijah on their annual pilgrimage away from their work-heavy city lives. They find a beautiful cabin on a vacation rental app. Everything is perfect except the faint smell of death, only to discover they’re being hunted by figures wearing skinned animal masks.”

Scare BnB — heh. Curious as to what skinned animals were used to make the masks. A free-range donkey? A murder bear? Black Phillip? All of those would spook the rent right outta me. P.S. The smell of death is very similar to asparagus farts.

ALL JACKED UP AND FULL OF WORMS / November 8, 2022 (Screambox)

“Working at a seedy motel, maintenance man Roscoe is always searching for his latest fix. When he stumbles upon a powerfully hallucinogenic worm, his days of dime-store drugs are over. Along with his new love interest, the pair embark on a delirious odyssey of sex, violence, and becoming one with the dirt.”

Hands down the best movie title of the year. I was sold right there, but then they hit me with “powerfully hallucinogenic worm” and “delirious odyssey of sex, violence,” and “becoming one with the dirt.” Looks like someone found my Christmas wish list.

Native American Superheroes, Foreign Earthquakes, Monster Puppets

Came across the fantastic, minimalist sci-fi/fantasy art of artist, Jeffrey Veregge, and his pretty dang funny intro to his bio: “My origins are not supernatural, nor have they been enhanced by radioactive spiders. I am simply a Native American artist and writer whose creative mantra in best summed up with a word from my tribe’s own language as: “tačaxétəŋ”, which means, “get into trouble.” (Note to Mr. Veregge — I probably screwed up your tribe’s language on that one — please don’t kill me in half.)

Jeffrey Veregge is a member of the Port Gamble S’Klallam Tribe and his Native American artistic stylings cast guys like Batman, Superman and Spider-man into refreshing new interpretations. And hey, put a .com after his name and go see all the other incredible art he does.

Before we all go back to the art store to return unused art supplies because we’re not even in the ballpark of Jeffrey’s artistic talent (there’s always a bathroom that needs cleaning), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not insult Native Americans…

A BREATH AWAY (February 1, 2019)
“Parents are desperately trying to save their daughter from a deadly toxic mist that has engulfed Paris after an earthquake. Only those lucky enough to escape to the rooftops of the city were able to survive; their daughter, who suffers from a genetic condition requiring her to live in a hermetic box that filters the air, is trapped below.”

If ever there was a situation that could be referred to as “f’d in the b-hole,” this is it. As for the toxic mist engulfing Paris after an earthquake, I bet it was all the Parisians simultaneously fright-farting their britches off during said natural disaster. What follows next is aftershocks and butt-croissants.

VELVET BUZZSAW (February 1, 2019/Netflix™)
“After a series of paintings by an unknown artist are discovered, a supernatural force enacts revenge on those who have allowed their greed to get in the way of art.”

Velvet Buzzsaw is also a sex term used by dirty-minded people. I don’t know why I know that.

KAIJU CONFIDENTIAL (2019)
“Grigon’s not the toughest beast on the block, but he’s certainly the most neurotic. When he discovers the legendary Mega-Hydra rampaging on his turf, it becomes a stand-off of passive-aggressive proportions.”

This looks like a puppet show. And we all know what is shoved up the ass-end of a puppet.

Unsafe Werewolf Sex

Alice has a problem — she’s an attractive chick (not quite Victoria Secrets™ good-looking; more like JC Penney’s™ catalog cute) in her sexual prime. And she’s a SWF— single wolfy female.

Alice has one-hour meaningful relationships with guys she picks up at hotels across town, but still can’t seem to quench her unbearable thirst for full moon love. She tells her psychiatrist/vet that she’s a wolf, but of course, she’s not taken seriously. (There were no fire hydrants around for her to prove it.)

Then Alice meets a guy who she falls for, and eventually tells him her big hairy secret. He ain’t buying it, either. So she’s all distraught and unhappy because she wants to hang out in the woods on all fours. But her shrink wants to do it doggy style, and she’s thinkin’ that’s a big no, so she transforms (rather cheesily) in front of him, growing hair well past her bikini zone.

Not quite a horror story, but rather, puppy love. The acting is surprisingly good and there’s lots of naked goings on, which makes up for the lack of neck-mangling special effects. But what the fudge; Wilderness (1996 and planned as a British mini-series) is at least a varied take on the werewolf theme. Wish I could find that hotel, though.

Skeleton Sex

Andre Chang, an Asian/New Zealander English teacher (!) developed cancer after a ghost got into his body. Across town, 18 year-old hottie Juliet Reed (who learned about sex from her Tickle Me Elmo™ doll) came down with cancer as well. Yep, a ghost.

Both end up at a clinic to undergo treatment using experimental hallucinatory drugs. Sure, why not?. Once there, Andre and Juliet see visions of a Charlotte Reid, a feminist novel writer, drowning her 9-year-old son in the hospital’s community bathtub, and then hanging herself in her room. Harsh.

Turns out her surviving sister is the hospital’s head nurse, in charge of administering the fun drugs. She seems transfixed by Juliet’s hotness. Me, too. Blaming the vision on the drugs, Andre and Juliet form a friendly bond that leads to sex. (“You’re almost as good as Elmo,” smiles Juliet.)

But the visions are becoming more clear, this time showing the suicide hanging in its entirety with no commercial interruptions. The extension cord, with which she hung herself, gives way and Charlotte lands face first on the legs of the very metal stepping stool used to facilitate her new necktie. Her heads slides down one of the chairs legs and… You get the idea. These horrific visions provide the clues needed to solve the TRUE mystery and to punish the real criminal.

Diagnosis: Death (2009) is played as a very dry comedy with some mystery and romance crap thrown in. Despite teacher/student/Elmo sex there is no nudity. Lots of swearing and funny one-liners, though. A doctor describes a rather large suppository as akin to being butt-probed by a pineapple. That’s humorous on several levels.

Almost forgot — you get to see two skeletons having sex. It’s not nearly as erotic as one might imagine. My diagnosis of this semi-funny watered-down “horror” film: Meh. 

Unprotected Werewolf Sex

In the werewolf movie Animals (2008), Jarret, a life loser, comes back to the grimy small industrial town of Breaking Rocks For A Living to break rocks for a living. He can’t make it to work on time, drinks too much and starts bar fights. Sucks to be Jarret — until Nora, a drop dead, hot sexpot comes into the roadhouse bar he hangs out in, and puts it on the glass.

The sex they engage in is the kind Jarret’s only seen in 3-for-a-$1 DVDs. She’ll do it on the top of a car, a kitchen table, the ceiling, and seems both insatiable and restless, convincing Jarret to leave this crap hole town. Mind you, this was right after she bit him, infecting Jarret with a newfound appreciation for all things animal.

Then Vic, Nora’s extremely temperamental ex-boyfriend/flesh-eater and a supernatural werewolf who has ravenous appetites for all things ladies and meat, which he considers one in the same.

A showdown between Vic and Jarret has both growing razor teeth and morphing into ethereal werewolves. Up to that point, there was decent face-lacerating, slippery blood, liberated boobies, kitchen sex…

Then they have to go and wreck my entire world (and by extension, yours) with poorly designed digital werewolves. The fight is brief, not even coming close to the promise of two lycanthropes trying to make hamburger out of each other. At least there’s the “sex in the alley,” “sex on the kitchen counter” and “sex on the chair” scenes to replay. If you prefer that to computerized werewolves, that is.

Evil Music, Headless Sex, Bad To The Drone

Remember when the only way to summon evil was to play heavy metal vinyl albums backwards? Now you can do it with the Evil Dead – A Nightmare Reimagined two-album vinyl set. And at $35 smackos, it’d be a bargain at twice the price.

So Joe LoDuca, the guy who did the soundtrack for The Evil Dead movies, re-recorded the original score and even wrote (or “composed”) a bunch of all new music as well. What a swell guy! And hey, with cover art by Graham Humphreys, the 180 gram vinyl comes in a variety of demon-spewed colors: green, yellow, and purple swirl with red splatter effect. Now there’s something to shout at your shoes over. Lest I forget, there’s an included Necronomicon booklet with liner notes from composer Joe LoDuca, producer Robert Tapert and Evil Dead icon himself, Bruce Campbell (aka, Ash).

After you click HERE to buy it, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not have you doing the technicolor yawn…

2036 ORIGIN UNKNOWN (available now)
“After the first manned mission to Mars ends in a deadly crash, mission controller Mackenzie ‘Mack’ Wilson assists an artificial intelligence system, A.R.T.I. Their investigation uncovers a mysterious object under the surface of Mars, that could change the future of our planet as we know it.”

Always up for a good Mars mystery. I’m thinkin’, though, the “mysterious object” under the surface of Mars is probably an extraterrestrial rave club, with glow sticks, aliens dancing stupidly and music that sounds like a clogged space vacuum cleaner.

MARLINA THE MURDERER IN FOUR ACTS (June 22, 2018)
“Marlina is a grieving woman, hard at work all year long to save enough money for the traditional Sumba burial of her late husband; who now sits as a mummy in the living room. Markus knocks on her door and informs her that his gang intends to rob her in half an hour; a promise well kept. Marlina poisons the robbers and seduces Markus. During sex, she beheads him and starts a journey with Markus’ bloodied head inside a plastic bag. She embarks on a journey of redemption and empowerment, but the ghost of one of the men she killed returns to haunt her.”

Cutting off someone’s head while you’re having sex with them? I’m pretty sure there are less violent forms of birth control.

HOVER (June 29, 2018)
“In the near future, environmental strain causes food shortages around the world. Technology provides a narrow path forward, with agricultural drones maximizing the yield from what land remains. Two compassionate caregivers, Claudia and John, work to help sick farmland inhabitants end their lives. When John dies under mysterious circumstances, the locals help Claudia uncover a deadly connection between the health of her clients and the technology that they are using.”

I watched the trailer; A.I. drones flying around and doing the whole electronic peeping tom thing. As laughable as this is, I get the feeling it’s already happening. Better start using the bathroom indoors from here on out.

DETECTIVE DEE: THE FOUR HEAVENLY KINGS (July 26, 2018/China)
Accused of wrongdoing by Empress Wu, Detective Dee faces a formidable foe while investigating a crime wave that’s marked by strange and seemingly supernatural occurrences.

If you haven’t seen any of the Detective Dee movies (Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame/2010 and Young Detective Dee: Rise of the Sea Dragon/2013), then you’re depriving yourself of crazy wild fantasy visuals that make you rethink reality. You’ll need a seatbelt for your mind.

The Boogeyman Should Blow His Nose

Nine year-old Laura and her 11 year-old brother Henry witnessed the serial killer known as the  Boogeyman use their parents’ necks for a place to put his knife while adjusting his killer (ahem) black hood. Personally, I would’ve put the knife in the dishwasher.

Ten years in and out of a mental institution dealing with their life-crippling fear of the dark and all things Boogeymen, Henry and Laura are still being counseled by a “face your fears, you pussies” medical director. Joining them are  five other pre-adults dealing with their mental clogged toilet: bugs under the skin, fear of being in public, fear of getting fat, fear of germs… (What — no fear of non-alcoholic beer?)

Laura is a screaming hottie, with emphasis on screaming, now that the therapy has failed and the Boogeyman is back to finish what he started a decade ago. Everyone is being dispatched by the thing they fear the most. One kid gets chopped in half by an elevator. (I take the stairs, so that entertained me.) One girl with a fear of bugs gets maggots poured into open wounds. (I don’t have open wounds, so again, highly entertaining.) Additional deaths are just as creative and enjoyable.

While the first half of Boogeyman 2 (2007) is boring horror crap (the premise is the same as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), the second half delivers some excellent gore and a “sex-while-standing-up” scene. (Not as comfortable as it looks.)

The Boogeyman himself isn’t a supernatural entity, though they try to make you believe otherwise. If you can’t guess who/what/he/she is by the half-hour mark, you need to have maggots poured into your open wounds. Even as clichéd as it is, this sequel is slightly better than the first Boogeyman (2005), whose main evil character just wasn’t that attractive.