Archive for sex

White Trash Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Femmes

Shooting directly to video tape, the producers of this stinker ignore even the most basic of rules of filmmaking: table lamp lighting, truck driver dialogue, clip-on mics, questionably attractive women… They obviously raised the money to do Vampire Femmes (1999) by begging for change in front of McDonald’s™.

So three horny vampire chicks lure men to their three-bedroom rambler lair by way of “for sale — evening appointments only” advertising. Men show up and get their necks (and nothing else) sucked apart. Subsequently, they’re robbed and their cars traded at a chop shop for rent.

Vampire Femmes

A sub-plot concerns a wife-beating cop who tracks down his wife ] where she’s being harbored (and seduced) by the unholy gossip posse. A confrontation leads to the most cheapest and ridiculous gore scenes ever committed to $1.99 Fuji™ VHS tape.

Thanks to inept camera-work, we get to see a vampire chick and a guy have sex — while she’s wearing her undies. She can’t even fake it good. I want the last four hours of my life back again. (I watched it twice.)

Surfing Giant Crocodiles

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags on December 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Surf

In the giant crocodile movie Blood Surf (2000), two smart-alecky extreme surfers push the extreme by cutting their feet with a really sharp knife, then hanging ten in shark-infested waters as a camera crew documents these silly boys for television, or “TV.”

Blood Surf

One of the surfers looks like Billy Idol on drugs, if you can imagine how hideous that might be. After hot-dogging it through a swarm of swimming chain saws, something else is in the water — and it’s eating the sharks!

Blood Surf

Turns out it’s a 31-foot saltwater crocodile called, Salty. (I would’ve named him something along the lines of El Snappo, or Shredder P. Rippington, III.) This monster croc doesn’t like surfers (they taste like low-cal seals) or anybody else who dares to pee in his pool, so he chases them and eats them — whole.

Blood Surf

Pointless and clichéd sub-plots involve yet another Ahab-type looking to yank his Moby Dick. Several pleasant/naked sex scenes, one of which involves a supermodel gal and publicly exposed pontoons.

Blood Surf

The crocodile, though, is the bigger disappointment. Sometimes computer-generated, other times a hand puppet, you just wanna say “see you later” to this alligator. The best scene is when a guy surfs right into Salty’s gaping yap, to which another surfer remarks, “Wow, that’s gotta suck.” My sentiments exactly.

Death Sex

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

The Corpse of Anna Fritz (aka, El cadáver de Anna Fritz/2015), is one of those movies that, while not very graphic, still leaves a nasty taste in your mouth. Before reading further, make sure you have plenty of toothpaste and mouthwash standing by. Breath mints, as well.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

The 20-something Anna Fritz is the sparkling eye of Mexico, being a famous and beautiful actress that everyone wants to smooch upon. She’s also dead. (It was an accident, I tell you.) After her body is brought to the morgue, Pau, an orderly working the night shift, uses his not-so-smart phone to take a picture of her nude body and send it to his two party buds. Guess who shows up to see the corpse in person? What happens next is what you’d think. What happens afterwards is not.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

Ivan, the more intense party guy (loaded with drugs and hard booze), marvels at her beauty and suggests they all have sex with her corpse. And they do. (Spoiler to you pervs — this is not depicted graphically.) When it’s Pau’s turn, she wakes up during the non-consensual act. Unable to scream, her open eyes, nevertheless, freak out Pau and his pals, who suddenly realize the deep pit of doo doo they’re all now standing in.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

If they report she’s alive, they’re gonna be thrown in jail for life + two more lifes for the morbid assault. If they re-kill her, there’s none the wiser. One of the guys super freaks out and wants to confess. Ivan, not about to go to jail, “accidentally” punches him to death. This was witnessed by the now alive but still un-speaking Anna. Arguing violently for his “kill her again plan”, Pau, conflicted to the point of being a whimpering crybaby, reluctantly agrees.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

The plan is for Ivan to dump his friend’s body in a garbage can outside, while Pau preps Anna for another death. When Pau isn’t looking, Anna tries crawling out into the morgue’s hallway. It’s here Ivan finds here, drags her back in and they strangle her. Thinking she’s dead and the morgue cleaned of former friend blood, they’re in the clear. Um, not so much.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

Several intense twists set up the abrupt, yet appropriate ending. And while the premise of  The Corpse of Anna Fritz is sickening, it does recall 2008’s Deadgirl, another of these types of horror movies that you should be ashamed of watching. Just so you know, I’m telling your mom.

Future Sharks and Penguins

Posted in Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortal

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Immortal

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

ImmortalThe plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Immortal

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

ImmortalThe Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

Sex Meat Addict

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mad Cowgirl

A sexy brunette (who looks like Julia Roberts’ little sister) is a meat inspector who doesn’t just examine shiny, store-bought hamburgers. This gal craves pant steak. She’s obsessed with a sex-addicted televangelist (played by Star Trek’s Chekov) and has sexy results with him. (One of the funnier moments comes when she’s knocking phasers with a guy who looks like Sulu while watching Chekov on TV.)

Mad Cowgirl

In-between mattress moshing and packing meat, the gal watches her favorite kung-fu show, The Girl With The Thunderbolt Kick. As destiny would have it, her brother — who runs a meat processing plant — has been selling tainted beef. This is not divulged to the sister, to whom he’s been giving the tube steak on a weekly basis. (He probably just forgot to mention it.)

Mad Cowgirl

So he infects her and her brain starts to do a buttsteak in a grinder. When she goes to the doctor, he speaks to her in Indian and she can totally understand him and responds…in English. He gives her a bunch of pills and then hits on her. Ick.

Mad Cowgirl

When she goes to church to confess her wrongness (“I had sexual intercourse 30 times…last week”), the priest tells her she’s committed mortal sins, but because her brain is broken, it comes out in a strange dialect, telling her to kill the Ten Tigers From Kwangtung (not real animals, metaphoric ones, i.e., everyone she’s been deeply romantic with in the past seven days). She does this with kung-fu moves, a flying guillotine (which makes for e-z decapitations), and some sort of sharp kitchen tools.

Mad Cowgirl

At this point if you’re lost as to the actual plot of Mad Cowgirl (2006), just let it happen; I couldn’t figure it out, either — and I totally eat steaks and watch kung-fu movies all the time.

Sex Spaceships, Spectacular Storms and Socks

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Space Babes From Outer Space

Another thing to put on the “probably shouldn’t that do anymore” list: eat hard-boiled eggs while watching Alien (1979). I did and now firmly believe there’s a living organism growing in my inner recycling bin. This sucks as I used to like hard-boiled eggs, even the ones that explode all over your mouth and burn your lips.

Speaking of non-digestible horror, here’s a few upcoming — and hopefully palatable — flicks headed in your general direction…

SPACE BABES FROM OUTER SPACE (March 13, 2017)
“Three women from a faraway galaxy come to Earth in search of sexual energy to fuel their ship. With the help of a lonely farm boy, they attempt to harness enough sexual arousal to return to their home planet, all while evading their enemies, the bloodthirsty Scrotes!”

A spaceship fueled by sexual energy. After it runs out of power, the ship will need 10 hours of sleep and a huge bowl of Wheaties™. Then a nap followed by watching TV.

Johnny Gruesome

JOHNNY GRUESOME (in production)
“Johnny Grissom, a murdered high school student, returns from the grave for revenge.”

Now there’s a plot you can hang your boredom on. Johnny G. now joins the ranks of the other one million “return from the grave for revenge” movies clogging up the horror pantheon. (Sorry — word of the day calendar.)

Crust

CRUST (production pending crowd-funding)
“A burned out former child star who has hit rock bottom ends up working in a laundromat where he collects all the lost socks. One night he cries into the pile of socks and a bloodthirsty sock monster is born.”

Pretty lame, although we should be thankful he wasn’t collecting lost underwear.

Geostorm

GEOSTORM (October 21, 2017)
“After an unprecedented series of natural disasters threatened the planet, the world’s leaders came together to create an intricate network of satellites to control the global climate and keep everyone safe. But now, something has gone wrong — the system built to protect the Earth is attacking it, and it’s a race against the clock to uncover the real threat before a worldwide geostorm wipes out everything…and everyone along with it.”

Sounds like a twist on Day After Tomorrow (2004), wherein all the climate-change deny’rs get weather reports stuffed up their bumbershoots. The trailer looks deliciously disastrous: gangs of tornadoes, electrifying lightning, surfable tsunamis, summer snow… All that’s missing is a plot.

Tattooed Vampire

Posted in Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakewoman

Back in her early 20th Century day Oriana Balasz, an underground movie icon, was quite the spanker, what with her deviant behavior and excesses of the flesh. A publishing company wants the rights to all her works, including the film she never released, which promised to be more shocking, even by today’s standards. I don’t know; the bar on shocking is set pretty high. But what the heck — I say go for it.

Snakewoman

A publicist travels to Oriana’s Spanish mansion to sink the deal with her heirs. That’s when Snake Woman shows up, a sort of punk rock biker chick with no clothes, vampire fangs and a snake tattoo that goes all the way around her body and across her butt region.

Snakewoman

The “shocking” love scenes in Snakewoman (2005) are overlong and about as sexy as cardboard. And what is it with European chicks and the unshaved armpit thing? That’s more scary than anything else in this “erotic thriller.” Boring excuse for owning a TV.