Archive for sex

Unsafe Werewolf Sex

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wilderness

Alice has a problem — she’s an attractive chick (not quite Victoria Secrets™ good-looking; more like JC Penney’s™ catalog cute) in her sexual prime. And she’s a SWF— single wolfy female.

Wilderness

Alice has one-hour meaningful relationships with guys she picks up at hotels across town, but still can’t seem to quench her unbearable thirst for full moon love. She tells her psychiatrist/vet that she’s a wolf, but of course, she’s not taken seriously. (There were no fire hydrants around for her to prove it.)

Wilderness

Then Alice meets a guy who she falls for, and eventually tells him her big hairy secret. He ain’t buying it, either. So she’s all distraught and unhappy because she wants to hang out in the woods on all fours. But her shrink wants to do it doggy style, and she’s thinkin’ that’s a big no, so she transforms (rather cheesily) in front of him, growing hair well past her bikini zone.

Wilderness

Not quite a horror story, but rather, puppy love. The acting is surprisingly good and there’s lots of naked goings on, which makes up for the lack of neck-mangling special effects. But what the fudge; Wilderness (1996 and planned as a British mini-series) is at least a varied take on the werewolf theme. Wish I could find that hotel, though.

Skeleton Sex

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Diagnosis: Death

Andre Chang, an Asian/New Zealander English teacher (!) developed cancer after a ghost got into his body. Across town, 18 year-old hottie Juliet Reed (who learned about sex from her Tickle Me Elmo™ doll) came down with cancer as well. Yep, a ghost.

Diagnosis: DeathBoth end up at a clinic to undergo treatment using experimental hallucinatory drugs. Sure, why not?. Once there, Andre and Juliet see visions of a Charlotte Reid, a feminist novel writer, drowning her 9-year-old son in the hospital’s community bathtub, and then hanging herself in her room. Harsh.

Diagnosis: Death

Turns out her surviving sister is the hospital’s head nurse, in charge of administering the fun drugs. She seems transfixed by Juliet’s hotness. Me, too. Blaming the vision on the drugs, Andre and Juliet form a friendly bond that leads to sex. (“You’re almost as good as Elmo,” smiles Juliet.)

Diagnosis: DeathBut the visions are becoming more clear, this time showing the suicide hanging in its entirety with no commercial interruptions. The extension cord, with which she hung herself, gives way and Charlotte lands face first on the legs of the very metal stepping stool used to facilitate her new necktie. Her heads slides down one of the chairs legs and… You get the idea. These horrific visions provide the clues needed to solve the TRUE mystery and to punish the real criminal.

Diagnosis: Death

Diagnosis: Death (2009) is played as a very dry comedy with some mystery and romance crap thrown in. Despite teacher/student/Elmo sex there is no nudity. Lots of swearing and funny one-liners, though. A doctor describes a rather large suppository as akin to being butt-probed by a pineapple. That’s humorous on several levels.

Diagnosis: Death

Almost forgot — you get to see two skeletons having sex. It’s not nearly as erotic as one might imagine. My diagnosis of this semi-funny watered-down “horror” film: Meh. 

Unprotected Werewolf Sex

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , on June 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Animals

In the werewolf movie Animals (2008), Jarret, a life loser, comes back to the grimy small industrial town of Breaking Rocks For A Living to break rocks for a living. He can’t make it to work on time, drinks too much and starts bar fights. Sucks to be Jarret — until Nora, a drop dead, hot sexpot comes into the roadhouse bar he hangs out in, and puts it on the glass.

Animals

The sex they engage in is the kind Jarret’s only seen in 3-for-a-$1 DVDs. She’ll do it on the top of a car, a kitchen table, the ceiling, and seems both insatiable and restless, convincing Jarret to leave this crap hole town. Mind you, this was right after she bit him, infecting Jarret with a newfound appreciation for all things animal.

Animals

Then Vic, Nora’s extremely temperamental ex-boyfriend/flesh-eater and a supernatural werewolf who has ravenous appetites for all things ladies and meat, which he considers one in the same.

Animals

A showdown between Vic and Jarret has both growing razor teeth and morphing into ethereal werewolves. Up to that point, there was decent face-lacerating, slippery blood, liberated boobies, kitchen sex…

Animals

Then they have to go and wreck my entire world (and by extension, yours) with poorly designed digital werewolves. The fight is brief, not even coming close to the promise of two lycanthropes trying to make hamburger out of each other. At least there’s the “sex in the alley,” “sex on the kitchen counter” and “sex on the chair” scenes to replay. If you prefer that to computerized werewolves, that is.

Evil Music, Headless Sex, Bad To The Drone

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Dead – A Nightmare Reimagined

Remember when the only way to summon evil was to play heavy metal vinyl albums backwards? Now you can do it with the Evil Dead – A Nightmare Reimagined two-album vinyl set. And at $35 smackos, it’d be a bargain at twice the price.

Evil Dead – A Nightmare Reimagined

So Joe LoDuca, the guy who did the soundtrack for The Evil Dead movies, re-recorded the original score and even wrote (or “composed”) a bunch of all new music as well. What a swell guy! And hey, with cover art by Graham Humphreys, the 180 gram vinyl comes in a variety of demon-spewed colors: green, yellow, and purple swirl with red splatter effect. Now there’s something to shout at your shoes over. Lest I forget, there’s an included Necronomicon booklet with liner notes from composer Joe LoDuca, producer Robert Tapert and Evil Dead icon himself, Bruce Campbell (aka, Ash).

After you click HERE to buy it, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not have you doing the technicolor yawn…

2036 - Origin Unknown

2036 ORIGIN UNKNOWN (available now)
“After the first manned mission to Mars ends in a deadly crash, mission controller Mackenzie ‘Mack’ Wilson assists an artificial intelligence system, A.R.T.I. Their investigation uncovers a mysterious object under the surface of Mars, that could change the future of our planet as we know it.”

Always up for a good Mars mystery. I’m thinkin’, though, the “mysterious object” under the surface of Mars is probably an extraterrestrial rave club, with glow sticks, aliens dancing stupidly and music that sounds like a clogged space vacuum cleaner.

Marlina The Murderer In Four Acts

MARLINA THE MURDERER IN FOUR ACTS (June 22, 2018)
Marlina is a grieving woman, hard at work all year long to save enough money for the traditional Sumba burial of her late husband; who now sits as a mummy in the living room. Markus knocks on her door and informs her that his gang intends to rob her in half an hour; a promise well kept. Marlina poisons the robbers and seduces Markus. During sex, she beheads him and starts a journey with Markus’ bloodied head inside a plastic bag. She embarks on a journey of redemption and empowerment, but the ghost of one of the men she killed returns to haunt her.”

Cutting off someone’s head while you’re having sex with them? I’m pretty sure there are less violent forms of birth control.

Hover

HOVER (June 29, 2018)
“In the near future, environmental strain causes food shortages around the world. Technology provides a narrow path forward, with agricultural drones maximizing the yield from what land remains. Two compassionate caregivers, Claudia and John, work to help sick farmland inhabitants end their lives. When John dies under mysterious circumstances, the locals help Claudia uncover a deadly connection between the health of her clients and the technology that they are using.”

I watched the trailer; A.I. drones flying around and doing the whole electronic peeping tom thing. As laughable as this is, I get the feeling it’s already happening. Better start using the bathroom indoors from here on out.

Detective Dee: The Four Heavenly Kings

DETECTIVE DEE: THE FOUR HEAVENLY KINGS (July 26, 2018/China)
Accused of wrongdoing by Empress Wu, Detective Dee faces a formidable foe while investigating a crime wave that’s marked by strange and seemingly supernatural occurrences.

If you haven’t seen any of the Detective Dee movies (Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame/2010 and Young Detective Dee: Rise of the Sea Dragon/2013), then you’re depriving yourself of crazy wild fantasy visuals that make you rethink reality. You’ll need a seatbelt for your mind.

The Boogeyman Should Blow His Nose

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boogeyman 2

Nine year-old Laura and her 11 year-old brother Henry witnessed the serial killer known as the  Boogeyman use their parents’ necks for a place to put his knife while adjusting his killer (ahem) black hood. Personally, I would’ve put the knife in the dishwasher.

Boogeyman 2

Ten years in and out of a mental institution dealing with their life-crippling fear of the dark and all things Boogeymen, Henry and Laura are still being counseled by a “face your fears, you pussies” medical director. Joining them are  five other pre-adults dealing with their mental clogged toilet: bugs under the skin, fear of being in public, fear of getting fat, fear of germs… (What — no fear of non-alcoholic beer?)

Boogeyman 2Laura is a screaming hottie, with emphasis on screaming, now that the therapy has failed and the Boogeyman is back to finish what he started a decade ago. Everyone is being dispatched by the thing they fear the most. One kid gets chopped in half by an elevator. (I take the stairs, so that entertained me.) One girl with a fear of bugs gets maggots poured into open wounds. (I don’t have open wounds, so again, highly entertaining.) Additional deaths are just as creative and enjoyable.

Boogeyman 2

While the first half of Boogeyman 2 (2007) is boring horror crap (the premise is the same as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), the second half delivers some excellent gore and a “sex-while-standing-up” scene. (Not as comfortable as it looks.)

Boogeyman 2

The Boogeyman himself isn’t a supernatural entity, though they try to make you believe otherwise. If you can’t guess who/what/he/she is by the half-hour mark, you need to have maggots poured into your open wounds. Even as clichéd as it is, this sequel is slightly better than the first Boogeyman (2005), whose main evil character just wasn’t that attractive.

There’s An Urban Legend In My Basement

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghostkeeper

Disclaimer: There is no ghost in 1980’s The Shining knock-off, Ghostkeeper. I saw nothing invisible, and I approve this message. 

There’s an huge lodge buried deep in the Canadian mountains and genital-deep snow. There’s an old, stink woman who resides in the lodge. She could use some moisturizer and some product for her broomstick hair. Also living in the massive “hotel” is her son. He’s out hunting for delicious killables for dinner.

Ghostkeeper

Two hot chicks and a sex-minded smug dude arrive by snowmobiles at the lodge, despite warnings from an old dude in town to not go deep in the backwoods as there’s a huge storm coming. Snowmobiles are like jet-skis, but jet-skis go on water and… Wait, snow is water, just frozen, so…oh crap — I’m in over my head with this metaphor.

Ghostkeeper

The old woman reluctantly lets the three stay overnight. Jenny is the girlfriend of Marty, the guy who doesn’t hide the fact he wants to bone Chrissy, the other hot chick, who is all but putting it on the plate for him — right in front of Jenny. Awkward. The old woman tells Jenny she’s strong and…different, also making ominous statements like “I’m getting to old for this job” and that “there must always be someone to take the job.” Okay, that’s right out of The Sentinel (1977). Wonder if the old woman saw that movie? It was pretty good.

Ghostkeeper

Chrissy decides to bait Marty’s hook with a late night naked and/or nude bath. Unfortunately, she’s just been drowned by the old woman’s son before she can rinse off. He takes the naked body (not shown) out to the shed (not basement, as foretold on the VHS box cover), where she is summarily chopped up with a hatchet (not shown) and fed to this not-ghost dude chained in a dirt room. You only see him for a second, but he looks like a zombie version of a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie. But he’s not really a roadie — he’s the mythical Windigo/Wendigo, a monster that derives its nutrients/calories from human flesh.

Ghostkeeper

From here things turn into liberal shovels full of The Shining (1980), with Marty ending up freezing to death outside after going bonkers, and Jenny, figuring out her new position in the company, pulls a Jack Torrance on the old woman and her son. She then confronts the Windigo/Wendigo/Roadie and promises to take care of it. And you know what that means — human pulled pork Sloppy Joes for dinner! 

Demonic Booze ’n Smoke Monster

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AfterDeath

It sucks when you die and then wake up on a deserted beach, cold gray weather, a lighthouse with beams that give you mega migraines, no 7-Elevens™ within sight, and satanic black smoke exploding with a bang all around you. To top it off, there’s a shack-y house nearby with three girls and one lucky guy. They’re dead, too, but don’t care as they’re having sex with their clothes on (is that even legal?), drinking gallons of vodka from an endless supply of bottles, and blasting dumb rave music while they do all of the above. Oh, and there’s a giant sorta electric bubble all around the house and its getting smaller. Time for more vodka!

AfterDeath

Doesn’t take long for one of ‘em to figure out they’re dead and in Hell’s waiting room. But why, oh why are they there? Connecting long-shot dots, all of five people were at an over-capacity nightclub, dancing like idiots, when the roof caved in. All washed up on the beach and took over the abandoned house to party, drink massive amounts of refreshing adult beverages and have clothed sex.

AfterDeath

While this is going on, one girl keeps disappearing and reappearing. Wish I could do that. Then the smartest girl figures out they each did something not cool, which put them in this predicament. Arguments ensure and the one guy yells and curses and ends up on the beach, where the demonic smoke monster has non-consensual relations with the back side of his swim suit area. The girls all think this is funny. It actually kinda is as he’s a loudmouth punk.

AfterDeath

They end up killing holler boy and manage to catch the demon smoke monster in a wooden crate. In order to get it to answer their questions, they douse it with booze. Pffft! — I do the same thing all the time. They discover they’re all screwed and that the sorta electric bubble is gonna put a stop to all their groaning and moaning.

AfterDeath

AfterDeath (2015) is an interesting but kinda confusing horror movie in that you really don’t know what’s going on during the grand finale. Had something to do with one of ‘em needing to go to Heaven before the bubble bursts their bubble, and one going to that…other place. So yeah, you do get to know why the main character is there (I really want to spoil this for you, but I’m feeling charitable today), and while the movie does end rather abruptly, it left one blazing question unanswered: where can one get the crate that never runs out of booze?