Archive for sex

There’s An Urban Legend In My Basement

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghostkeeper

Disclaimer: There is no ghost in 1980’s The Shining knock-off, Ghostkeeper. I saw nothing invisible, and I approve this message. 

There’s an huge lodge buried deep in the Canadian mountains and genital-deep snow. There’s an old, stink woman who resides in the lodge. She could use some moisturizer and some product for her broomstick hair. Also living in the massive “hotel” is her son. He’s out hunting for delicious killables for dinner.

Ghostkeeper

Two hot chicks and a sex-minded smug dude arrive by snowmobiles at the lodge, despite warnings from an old dude in town to not go deep in the backwoods as there’s a huge storm coming. Snowmobiles are like jet-skis, but jet-skis go on water and… Wait, snow is water, just frozen, so…oh crap — I’m in over my head with this metaphor.

Ghostkeeper

The old woman reluctantly lets the three stay overnight. Jenny is the girlfriend of Marty, the guy who doesn’t hide the fact he wants to bone Chrissy, the other hot chick, who is all but putting it on the plate for him — right in front of Jenny. Awkward. The old woman tells Jenny she’s strong and…different, also making ominous statements like “I’m getting to old for this job” and that “there must always be someone to take the job.” Okay, that’s right out of The Sentinel (1977). Wonder if the old woman saw that movie? It was pretty good.

Ghostkeeper

Chrissy decides to bait Marty’s hook with a late night naked and/or nude bath. Unfortunately, she’s just been drowned by the old woman’s son before she can rinse off. He takes the naked body (not shown) out to the shed (not basement, as foretold on the VHS box cover), where she is summarily chopped up with a hatchet (not shown) and fed to this not-ghost dude chained in a dirt room. You only see him for a second, but he looks like a zombie version of a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie. But he’s not really a roadie — he’s the mythical Windigo/Wendigo, a monster that derives its nutrients/calories from human flesh.

Ghostkeeper

From here things turn into liberal shovels full of The Shining (1980), with Marty ending up freezing to death outside after going bonkers, and Jenny, figuring out her new position in the company, pulls a Jack Torrance on the old woman and her son. She then confronts the Windigo/Wendigo/Roadie and promises to take care of it. And you know what that means — human pulled pork Sloppy Joes for dinner! 

Demonic Booze ’n Smoke Monster

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AfterDeath

It sucks when you die and then wake up on a deserted beach, cold gray weather, a lighthouse with beams that give you mega migraines, no 7-Elevens™ within sight, and satanic black smoke exploding with a bang all around you. To top it off, there’s a shack-y house nearby with three girls and one lucky guy. They’re dead, too, but don’t care as they’re having sex with their clothes on (is that even legal?), drinking gallons of vodka from an endless supply of bottles, and blasting dumb rave music while they do all of the above. Oh, and there’s a giant sorta electric bubble all around the house and its getting smaller. Time for more vodka!

AfterDeath

Doesn’t take long for one of ‘em to figure out they’re dead and in Hell’s waiting room. But why, oh why are they there? Connecting long-shot dots, all of five people were at an over-capacity nightclub, dancing like idiots, when the roof caved in. All washed up on the beach and took over the abandoned house to party, drink massive amounts of refreshing adult beverages and have clothed sex.

AfterDeath

While this is going on, one girl keeps disappearing and reappearing. Wish I could do that. Then the smartest girl figures out they each did something not cool, which put them in this predicament. Arguments ensure and the one guy yells and curses and ends up on the beach, where the demonic smoke monster has non-consensual relations with the back side of his swim suit area. The girls all think this is funny. It actually kinda is as he’s a loudmouth punk.

AfterDeath

They end up killing holler boy and manage to catch the demon smoke monster in a wooden crate. In order to get it to answer their questions, they douse it with booze. Pffft! — I do the same thing all the time. They discover they’re all screwed and that the sorta electric bubble is gonna put a stop to all their groaning and moaning.

AfterDeath

AfterDeath (2015) is an interesting but kinda confusing horror movie in that you really don’t know what’s going on during the grand finale. Had something to do with one of ‘em needing to go to Heaven before the bubble bursts their bubble, and one going to that…other place. So yeah, you do get to know why the main character is there (I really want to spoil this for you, but I’m feeling charitable today), and while the movie does end rather abruptly, it left one blazing question unanswered: where can one get the crate that never runs out of booze?

The Darkness of Corners

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Corners

Dark Corners (2006) is a graphic psychological horror movie that bends reality for a young and totally hot blonde wife whose experiencing horrific nightmares. Unfortunately, she does this without the solution-solving cure-all: going topless.

Dark Corners

Um, lemme try that again. A serial killer is all over the news, eviscerating his victims with surgical expertise. This provides the grim backdrop for the gal whose been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, but having nightmares so real as to short-circuit her sense of reality.

Dark Corners

She dreams of being a Goth chick with black hair who works for a ghoulish mortician whose twin brother slept-walked out a seven story window the day before their twelfth birthdays. (“It wasn’t so bad…I got all of his presents.”) This alternate chick is being stalked by the Night Stalker (hence, the clever name) and rides the bus with messed up creeps and whose bathroom looks like the rest room in Saw (2004). Not even Scrubbing Bubbles™ could get that thing “guests coming over” clean.

Dark Corners

But hold the phone — the Goth chick is dreaming she’s the blonde chick living in the corporate world whose co-worker, an older gal, says stuff like, “After three kids, my vagina has all the elasticity of an over-washed tube sock.” Thanks for the visual, aging lady. But the nightmares for both women get worse, with the Night Stalker doing really nasty stuff, like having non-consensual sex with the Goth girl after he punches her unconscious while she’s asleep. Eventually he knocks her up after he knocks her out.

Dark CornersThe blonde chick dreams this. The doctor says its all a by-product of the doctor-assisted fertilization process. (Since they can’t get pregnant the time-honored way, then needles and spatulas it is.) She’s also been going to a hypno-therapist to get to the root of her disturbed sleep time. He’s hiding something, and it’s not just his delightful British accent.

Dark CornersSeveral scenes might have you saying stuff like, “Eeewwww,” and, “That’s soooo icky,” and “He DID NOT just lick that aborted fetus.” At no point can you tell which way this thing is going. As the two realities converge, the mental pu pu platter hits the fan.

Dark Corners

I suppose I could tell you about the displaying of stomach parts, the demon kid that chews holes in flesh and the talking corpse with a boner (“Just break it — like a carrot.”) Really, it’s best to see if for yourself.

White Trash Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Femmes

Shooting directly to video tape, the producers of this stinker ignore even the most basic of rules of filmmaking: table lamp lighting, truck driver dialogue, clip-on mics, questionably attractive women… They obviously raised the money to do Vampire Femmes (1999) by begging for change in front of McDonald’s™.

So three horny vampire chicks lure men to their three-bedroom rambler lair by way of “for sale — evening appointments only” advertising. Men show up and get their necks (and nothing else) sucked apart. Subsequently, they’re robbed and their cars traded at a chop shop for rent.

Vampire Femmes

A sub-plot concerns a wife-beating cop who tracks down his wife ] where she’s being harbored (and seduced) by the unholy gossip posse. A confrontation leads to the most cheapest and ridiculous gore scenes ever committed to $1.99 Fuji™ VHS tape.

Thanks to inept camera-work, we get to see a vampire chick and a guy have sex — while she’s wearing her undies. She can’t even fake it good. I want the last four hours of my life back again. (I watched it twice.)

Surfing Giant Crocodiles

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags on December 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Surf

In the giant crocodile movie Blood Surf (2000), two smart-alecky extreme surfers push the extreme by cutting their feet with a really sharp knife, then hanging ten in shark-infested waters as a camera crew documents these silly boys for television, or “TV.”

Blood Surf

One of the surfers looks like Billy Idol on drugs, if you can imagine how hideous that might be. After hot-dogging it through a swarm of swimming chain saws, something else is in the water — and it’s eating the sharks!

Blood Surf

Turns out it’s a 31-foot saltwater crocodile called, Salty. (I would’ve named him something along the lines of El Snappo, or Shredder P. Rippington, III.) This monster croc doesn’t like surfers (they taste like low-cal seals) or anybody else who dares to pee in his pool, so he chases them and eats them — whole.

Blood Surf

Pointless and clichéd sub-plots involve yet another Ahab-type looking to yank his Moby Dick. Several pleasant/naked sex scenes, one of which involves a supermodel gal and publicly exposed pontoons.

Blood Surf

The crocodile, though, is the bigger disappointment. Sometimes computer-generated, other times a hand puppet, you just wanna say “see you later” to this alligator. The best scene is when a guy surfs right into Salty’s gaping yap, to which another surfer remarks, “Wow, that’s gotta suck.” My sentiments exactly.

Death Sex

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

The Corpse of Anna Fritz (aka, El cadáver de Anna Fritz/2015), is one of those movies that, while not very graphic, still leaves a nasty taste in your mouth. Before reading further, make sure you have plenty of toothpaste and mouthwash standing by. Breath mints, as well.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

The 20-something Anna Fritz is the sparkling eye of Mexico, being a famous and beautiful actress that everyone wants to smooch upon. She’s also dead. (It was an accident, I tell you.) After her body is brought to the morgue, Pau, an orderly working the night shift, uses his not-so-smart phone to take a picture of her nude body and send it to his two party buds. Guess who shows up to see the corpse in person? What happens next is what you’d think. What happens afterwards is not.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

Ivan, the more intense party guy (loaded with drugs and hard booze), marvels at her beauty and suggests they all have sex with her corpse. And they do. (Spoiler to you pervs — this is not depicted graphically.) When it’s Pau’s turn, she wakes up during the non-consensual act. Unable to scream, her open eyes, nevertheless, freak out Pau and his pals, who suddenly realize the deep pit of doo doo they’re all now standing in.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

If they report she’s alive, they’re gonna be thrown in jail for life + two more lifes for the morbid assault. If they re-kill her, there’s none the wiser. One of the guys super freaks out and wants to confess. Ivan, not about to go to jail, “accidentally” punches him to death. This was witnessed by the now alive but still un-speaking Anna. Arguing violently for his “kill her again plan”, Pau, conflicted to the point of being a whimpering crybaby, reluctantly agrees.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

The plan is for Ivan to dump his friend’s body in a garbage can outside, while Pau preps Anna for another death. When Pau isn’t looking, Anna tries crawling out into the morgue’s hallway. It’s here Ivan finds here, drags her back in and they strangle her. Thinking she’s dead and the morgue cleaned of former friend blood, they’re in the clear. Um, not so much.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz

Several intense twists set up the abrupt, yet appropriate ending. And while the premise of  The Corpse of Anna Fritz is sickening, it does recall 2008’s Deadgirl, another of these types of horror movies that you should be ashamed of watching. Just so you know, I’m telling your mom.

Future Sharks and Penguins

Posted in Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortal

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Immortal

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

ImmortalThe plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Immortal

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

ImmortalThe Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?