Archive for post-apocalypse

Artful Sharks, Southern Fried Zombies, Rioting Girls

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Meg

Been marveling (again) over the non-official sales art for the upcoming big budget giant shark movie, Meg. Designed by artist David Graham, it’s so cool, the movie studio should just buy it from him and use that to sell the movie. (Not fake news: I posted this very same art in August of 2017 — and I endorse that statement.)

Jaws

While David’s done several work-ups for Meg (in theaters August 10, 2018), the one featured here looks like it was inspired by another artist’s “movie” art. No party foul — when it comes to giant sharks, we’re all aquatic allies.

Speaking of vintage Jaws movie art (official or not), here’s one you may not have seen on dry/sorta wet land…

Jaws

While you avoid getting in the water come August, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not take a big bite out of your life…

Attack of the Southern Fried Zombies

ATTACK OF THE SOUTHERN FRIED ZOMBIES (March 13, 2018)
“Lonnie, a crop duster pilot, must lead a mismatched group of survivors to escape the deadly zombie horde after an experimental chemical, intended to control the invasive kudzu vine, transforms the citizens of Charleston, MS into zombies.”

Did this come out in February of 2017? That’s what IMDB.com is saying. And yet the trailer on YouTube™ and the date on the movie poster itself is claiming March 13, 2018 as its release date. I’m so confused.

He's Out There

HE’S OUT THERE (2018)
“On vacation at a remote lake house, a mother and her two young daughters must fight for survival after falling into a terrifying and bizarre nightmare conceived by a psychopath.”

YET ANOTHER psychopath conceiving nightmares for non-psychopaths. Not sure which orchestra I fall into.

Riot Girls

RIOT GIRLS (2018)
“Set in a world where adults have mysteriously died and resources are scarce, Riot Girls tells the story of a teenage girl who is called to action when her brother is captured by rivals and set to be executed. Joined by the girl who has always loved her, and the boy who wants to love her, the threesome tear through the crumbling suburbs on a violent road marked by sexual discovery, betrayal and brutal justice.”

Cool, but isn’t sexual discovery, betrayal and brutal justice pretty much the same thing anymore?

Darkness Visible

DARKNESS VISIBLE (2018)
“Londoner Ronnie embarks on a journey to India when his mother, Suleka, goes missing and mysteriously ends up in a Kolkata hospital. Before Ronnie can unravel the mystery of what brought his mother back to her homeland, Suleka dies in an apparent cult killing. Further deaths point to a series of past murders that stopped 28 years ago when Suleka left India with her infant son. Until now. As the darkness within Ronnie grows and the murders reach their peak, all roads lead to the feared witch of Kolkata’s insane asylum.”

I’ve been to Kolkata’s insane asylum. They must’ve changed the sign, as it now reads: The Tug Tavern. I did buy one of Kolkata’s T-shirts, though. Their branding looks a heckuva lot like Motorhead’s logo.

Cults, Co-Eds, Contamination, Cataclysm

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Satanic

Is it just my imagination or are there horror movies being made all the time? Seems like I can’t get out of bed without stepping in a wet pile of new genre flicks. Don’t these filmmakers have day jobs? Wish I could sit in a tall chair all day and yell “Cut”! through a huge megaphone. That’d be sweet.

That implied, here are four new horror flicks (as if this e-blogging) to goose up your Halloween before Christmas decorations go up the day after.

SATANIC (October 4, 2016)
Satanic follows a van full of young, college-aged coeds who are visiting old Satanic Panic-era sites in Los Angeles. They end up following the creepy owner of an occult store home, only to find themselves saving a suspicious girl from an apparent human sacrifice. Only this ‘victim’ turns out to be much more than dangerous then the cult from which she escaped.”

College-aged co-eds. Sounds like an oxymoron, with emphasis on the moron. Does this make it chick horror? Of course it does.

Antidote

ANTIDOTE (October 21, 2016)
Antidote takes place in a plague-ridden, post-apocalyptic world. Here, a man and woman face unimaginable horrors. When he suddenly becomes infected, they have to contend with the fact that the only possible cure slowly drives him mad.”

How come the future is always post-apocalyptic, plague-ridden and…oh, that’s right –Republicans.

The Curse of Doctor Wolffenstein

THE CURSE OF DOCTOR WOLFFENSTEIN (October 25, 2016)
“80 years ago, the diabolical Dr. Victor Wolffenstein wanted nothing more than to be immortal. His tireless quest led him to create a vaccine that did just that, but also infected his body with a flesh-rotting form of necrosis. As the doctor’s limbs literally fell apart, he tried to replace them by using the crudely removed arms and legs of the local villagers who, in order to stop Wolffenstein’s reign of terror, captured him and buried him alive for his crimes.”

There’s more, including five present day teens who f’up and resurrect Wolffy who gets his mutilation on. I have zero pity for them. This one promises to be “the ultimate experience in violence and gore.” If you’re gonna go around calling yourself Wolffenstein, I’d expect nothing less. That, or start a metal band.

Terrortory

TERRORTORY (October 31, 2016)
Terrortory is an anthology horror film in the vein of Creepshow and Tales From The Crypt. It features six horrific tales set in the mythical region of Maryland known for an abundance of strange happenstances and urban legends.”

Watch this one free on Amazon Prime™ October 1, 2016 – October 31, 2016. And as for Maryland being known for “an abundance of strange happenstances and urban legends,” clearly they haven’t been to the Poggie Tavern™ during last call.

Screaming Insects & Oatmeal

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shredder Orpheus

Hell has its own television network – and (gasp!) they need new prime time talent. Unfortunately, the Boys from Down Under have recruited a newly-wedded rock star’s bride for the position. (Dang, he didn’t even have sufficient time to feel her up).

Shredder Orpheus

The saddened hubby, a post-apocalyptic skater Goth punk who wears a headband, grabs his electric lyre (or “pocket harp”), hops a skateboard and goofy foots his way through the Netherworld in search of his kidnapped Goth biscuit. He eventually finds her, but she doesn’t want him anymore because she’s damned for all eternity (the measurement of time, not the over-priced perfume of the same name).

Shredder OrpheusAnd what does he get for all his efforts? A chainsaw to the neck. But not before he blurts out the winning line: “I’ve dedicated my life to the sounds of metal insects screaming in a wall of oatmeal.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt that same way.

Shredder Orpheus

Shredder Orpheus (1989), a pre-grunge twist on the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, was made and filmed in Seattle, were I’ve staked my claim since way before this obscure ditty came out. I wasn’t asked to be in it. Now everybody who was are can’t-walk-down-the-street famous, whereas I, to date, am not.

American Demons, Swiss Zombies, German Sci-Fi

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ava's Possession

While 2016 got off to a bumpy start in January, with the upcoming releases of four new horror/sci-fi movies announced in the first few molting days of February gives one hope that the rest of the year won’t suck buttock.

First up is Ava’s Possession, arriving March 4, 2016: “Ava is recovering from demonic possession. With no memory of the past month, she must attend a Spirit Possessions Anonymous support group to figure out what happened. Ava’s life was hijacked by a demon, now it’s time to get it back.”

Demonic possession is always good for the soul.

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies

Gonna have to wait ‘til the end of 2016 to see Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies. I’m okay with that –gives me something positive to look forward to in December besides egg nog. Here’s what AotLZ is about:

“Steve, a young professional snowboarder, his girlfriend Branka and fellow snowboarder Josh get left behind on the mountain. They seek shelter in a garish, loud aprés-ski tavern that’s hosting an all-night party for the longest night of the year. Things go from bad to worse when a scientific experiment conducted by a local entrepreneur unleashes an epidemic of zombies and mutant wildlife, but this is mostly lost on the local drunkards as they themselves are not always so easy to distinguish from zombies. Steve, Branka and Josh have to find a way to survive this hellish night.”

If they’re looking to cast local drunkards, my calendar is wide open.

The Possession Experiment

Speaking of being possessed, The Possession Experiment arrives in the European market on February 13, 2016 and offers YET ANOTHER spin on the curiously popular demonic possession/exorcism theme: “Brandon, a theology student, is teamed with a classmate and are led to investigate a multiple homicide/suicide that eventually is discovered to have been an exorcism gone horribly wrong. Brandon quickly becomes obsessed with the event, and decides the only way to research this topic is to undergo it himself. Brandon realizes that though he was incredibly intrigued by it, he has taken on more than he can handle.”

Performing an exorcism on yourself seems a lot like that Cinnamon Challenge on YouTube™.

EZO1 Madness

Horror not your cup of blood? Then you might want to check out the oddly titled EZO1 Madness (releasing 2016), the first independent sci-fi movie coming from Germany in more than two decades, or 20 years. Described as “combining breathless action in an interesting take on Eastern and Western philosophy and classic horror elements.”

I’m all about philosophy, so this one could be good brain food: “EZO1 Madness is set in a post-apocalyptic world, where the last of human kind are hunted by giant monsters, zombies, genetically enhanced soldiers and ancient machines of war.”

EZO1 Madness is set to make the indie film circuit in 2016. Until such time I’ll go back to reading The Incoherence of the Philosophers For Dummies.

The Battle for Future Sex

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Battle Queen 2020

In Battle Queen 2020 (2001), a low budget sci-fi boob-fest, a meteor turns earth’s atmosphere into shaved ice the survivors are relegated to two factions: those who live underground in the freezing sewer and eat garbage-licious snacks, and those who live above ground in heated cabanas having sex with girls who do such things in trade for not having to live where the stuff in your toilet goes once it’s flushed.

Battle Queen 2020

The staggeringly hot and tall Julie Strain (“I worked at Disneyland – I was one of the rides…”) plays Mistress, a “kept” woman who services the Elite (above-grounders). She runs a harem training school for the sexy below-grounders. When she’s not walking around topless, Julie struts the land in skimpy underwear thingies and takes post-apocalyptic bubble baths, making sure to moan and roll her eyes as the radiation-free hot water squirts all over her 6’1” majestic-ness.

Battle Queen 2020There’s some sort of sub-plot about the Elites using the pituitary glands of the sub-dwellers for rejuvenation purposes, but none of that matters as JULIE WALKS AROUND TOPLESS AND HAS SEX ’n stuff.

Battle Queen 2020

In the end she joins the underground rebels, turning into a veritable “Mad Maxine,” using spinning heel kicks and judo chops to augment her combat lingerie.

Wow!

Post-Apocalyptic Punks

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on June 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teenage Caveman

The title Teenage Caveman (2002) gives you no indication of the rampant nudity, drug use, boozin’ and intestinal splattin’ inside. It’s a post-apocalyptic orgy with many boobs – naked ones, too.

Teenage Caveman

Thrown out of his cave condo for killing the tribal leader (his dad), a teenager and his posse head out into the war-destroyed world where they eventually come across Seattle and see the town in ruins. Note: This is too weird, but from their vantage point overlooking the city is exactly where I live. I would like to emphatically state that I do NOT want a caveman – or cave anthing – running around my back yard.

Teenage Caveman

That firmly declared, a nuclear-looking special effects storm cloud sweeps over the teens and they’re rescued by some future teens all hooped up on goofers. They take ’em back to their apartment and teach them how to drink, do drugs and experience sex for the first time. Problem is, once you do it with the future guy, your body goes into convulsions and you split open like a sun-ripened melon.

Teenage Caveman

The only time anyone goes caveman is when the drugs take hold and the face gets all distorted as if giving breach birth to an oversized stool. That doesn’t goon me out. Them running around my town in the future does. P.S. This movie should not be confused with the other Teenage Caveman movie, which came out in 1958. They didn’t show bare boobs in that one. Apparently, they hadn’t evolved far enough yet.

 

You Are Future Food

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tooth and Nail

Yet another butt-numbingly boring “life in the post-apocalyptic” survival tale. Tooth and Nail (2007) is set in the not-too-distant future where the world has run out of gas and those who don’t shrivel up and die instantly are either pansy-ass Foragers or cannibalistic Rovers. When the two opposing viewpoints meet over dinner, guess who’s gonna be this week’s mystery meat?

Tooth and Nail

Set in stinky U.S. city, it’s not explained why the Rovers have Australian accents and all wear trench coats, which is even more clichéd is their weaponry. C’mon – aren’t there any cool guns left laying around after the world goes to crap that you’d resort to using a spiked baseball bat to get your point across?

Tooth and Nail

A hot young gal leads the pro-wrestler sized Rovers, who do whatever she tells them to. Yeah, that’ll happen in the future. And the last of-age hottie standing after the Rovers have eaten all of the Foragers decides she’s had enough, smears war-paint on her face, and takes on the finger-licking hungry men.

Tooth and Nail

And if you’re gonna eat people at least show it. And what’s with no nudity? Don’t women take their clothes off in the future? Yawn, stretch, scratch lower groin, go wash hands, yawn again, check fridge, and wait for the next Netflix™ movie to come in the mail.