Ancient Greek Cow Thing

In Greek mythology (what Greek isn’t mythology?) a Minotaur is a half bull/half man creature that originally dwelt (that’s such a cool word) at the center of the Labyrinth, an elaborate underground maze built for King Minos of Crete (that total penis owes me after I spotted him some drachma), and designed by the architect Daedalus to hold the barnyard curiosity.

He and his son Icarus (that guy in the Iron Maiden song) built it so Minotaur could dwelt in it. They tried to make a movie of this HISTORICALLY-PROVEN FACT, with Tony Todd (Candyman with war paint on his stomach) as the local warlord king who sacrifices teenagers to the Minotaur Cow Thing.

In a nearby village a guy’s girlfriend was taken to be chucked into the Labyrinth. So much for a second date with boobie-feeling privileges. He and a bunch of other villagers break into the castle to find her, only to get themselves in the same can ’o ancient soup. The Minotaur is thinkin’ it’s a restaurant on legs with all the trimmings.

Upstairs, though, the mean king is trying to get busy with his supermodel sister. This girl is so hot she makes Beyoncé look like a cow pie with mascara. But little sister grows tired of Candyman’s nightly attempts to get her to ride the baloney pony. Maddened, he throws the non-putting out mattress candy into the pit with the rest of the losers. Oh sure, there’s some more plot, but none of it matters, especially when there’s an enlarged demonic skull cow charging through the maze to gore people with his horns and hooves of doom.

His frequent attacks look like the heavy metal version of the running of the bulls; You’d expect the Minotaur to look like the Bigfoot business model of a hairy milk cow, but not this time. The Minotaur is all skeletal with evil skin hanging of it and a skull face and horns the size of whaling scrimshaws (harpoons, for all you non-Moby Dick heads). There’s a LOT of screaming. Truth be told, if I was being chased by the Minotaur, I’d make sure that darn thing slips in the adrenaline fluid spraying out of my sprinting backside.

The title creature (Minotaur/2006) is pretty dang cool and is the same one on the DVD box. OK, it might actually be his brother, but they look so much alike as to be twins. And Candyman? Let’s just say, you mess with the bull you get the horn. Heh.

Hook In Mouth

The Vader-voiced, trench coat wearing, chick magnetizing Candyman is the Barry White of Bogeymen. In Candyman 3: Day of the Dead (1999), his third flick, the hook-handed hunk goes after his great-great-great granddaughter, Bay Watch’s Donna D’Erricho.

 She doesn’t believe in HIM and that makes Candyman very unsociable. So he shoots bees out of his mouth and kills all of her friends with his gut-ripping skills. Been there, stung that.

An interesting angle, which they failed to follow through with, included a cult of stinky Goth Candyman disciples who “believe.” Little more than “look who’s stalking,” C-3 (based in East L.A.!) fails to generate any creepiness. Even the eviscerations are dull.

Tony Todd as Candyman phones it in and, while D’Errico is gorgeous, all she does is run around in tight tank tops which she keeps on at all times. That qualifies as falsie advertising in my book.

Eating Corn With A Pitchfork

As a four-year-old riding on a farm tractor at midnight, plowing the fields (couldn’t it wait until morning?), Tony Todd (Candyman in a previous life) watched his dad get pitch-forked by a demonically possessed scarecrow. At this point we don’t know if the pitchfork was real or just a prop.

When Tony grew up, he wrote numerous books about the forked up cornfield guardian and learned that yes, booze can solve just about all of your problems. He even managed to capture the darn thing, tied it up in said field of corn and keep his shotgun and mind-clearing whiskey at the ready.

Along comes two frat pledges whose job is to steal the scarecrow and bring it back to the dorm (probably to have relations with it). Tony, senses amplified by alcohol, runs out with all guns blazing and shoots one of the kids in the stomach-y area. Through the magic of Art Institute™ special effects, the boy’s soul is sucked into the scarecrow, thereby reanimating it and setting out on a murderous vegetable-esque rampage.

Tony made two mistakes in regards to Scarecrow Slayer (2003): one was starring in it. The second was not having enough booze to blot out this epic career fail.