Archive for wine

Melting Faces On The Rocks

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Street Trash

What’s worse — drinking wine and watching your flesh literally turn into hot pudding, or your joystick falling off and a bunch of junkyard hobos playing keep away with it? If you’re a guy, I already know your answer.

Street Trash

All of this and more happens in the cult comedy horror classic, Street Trash (1987). This movie, about alcohol that melts you, people living in city dumps and some of the most stinkiest sex you’ll ever hope to not have, has this and more.

Street Trash

Brooklyn, New York. A liquor store owner finds a 60 year-old case of wine called Tenafly Viper. (Who wouldn’t drink that?) His client base is the homeless, so sit back and watch the crumpled bills flow like bum honey.

Street Trash

Within two seconds of consuming said Viper wine, your flesh liquifies, turns into a carnival of colors, and your drinking problem is solved forever. A frantic cop tries to solve the deaths, all the while a mentally unplugged Vietnam veteran, also living in the junkyard (I hear rents are quite affordable there), has formed a gang of junk thugs to rule the rubbish.

Street Trash

While it’s a face-pinching moment to see dumpster dames engage in garbage sex (I hear flies and maggots are aphrodisiacs in some junkyard countries), it’s when a hobo’s flesh flute falls off (not pictured — I just can’t), and people start throwing it around like a deflated Nathan’s Ballpark Frank™, that’ll have you questioning your taste in movies. (I’m exempt because I’m mentally unplugged.)

Insane, yet colorful gore. Melting hobos. Booze aplenty. Any questions?

Military UFOs, Teen Witches, Holiday Flesh-Eaters

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendlesham

UFO fans can rejoice — a TV series is being developed around the famous 1980 Rendlesham Forest Incident, wherein American military personnel, stationed in England, not only encountered a landing UFO, but recorded their observations (on YouTube™) and even walked up and touched the glowing, freaky thing. (Hope they washed their hands, because, you know, space germs.)

Rendlesham

From the press release: “The alleged sightings began on December 26, 1980 when U.S. Air Force security patrols stationed at RAF Woodbridge in Suffolk, England saw lights descending into nearby Rendlesham Forest. When servicemen went to investigate, they found a metallic object with glowing lights in the middle of the forest, and when approached the object moved through the woods, causing farm animals to panic. In daylight the next day, impressions were found in a triangular shape in the forest clearing, and on December 28, deputy base commander Lt. Col. Charles Halt and several other servicemen took radiation readings at the clearing and noticed lights in the distance.”

Rendlesham

“The show will reportedly wave a complex family drama into the real-life events, which will span the 1980s through to 2020, which will mark the 40th anniversary of the Rendlesham incident.”

I’ve seen lots of documentaries about Rendlesham and, despite the commercials, I want to believe. Thus is the power of television. Until the show premiers, which is in the works as we speak, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not want to believe in…

Mercy Christmas

MERCY CHRISTMAS (available now/VOD)
Mercy Christmas follows Michael Briskett as he meets the perfect woman. His ideal Christmas dream comes true when she invites him to her family’s holiday celebration. Michael struggles to survive once he realizes HE will be Christmas dinner.”

A cannibal Christmas movie? Another reason for the season. I’m no gourmet chef (although I do make a mean bowl of stove top popcorn), but what would be an appropriate wine pairing with holiday human flesh? My go-to would be Steel Reserve™ (okay, not really wine, but man, what a kick in the pants). Probably some red chardonnay that’s deep, complex and stays with you long after you’ve tasted it. Kinda like flesh. Hope they’re also serving those neat pop-up dinner rolls. It’s like eating fluffy chemicals, but man, what a kick in the taste buds.

The Devil's Toy Box

THE DEVIL’S TOY BOX (available now/VOD)
Cynthia O’Neil enters a haunted asylum known as the Madison Seminary in search of her father who went missing in the asylum while shooting a reality television show.”

Kinda makes you wonder what the Devil considers toys. Slasher Gumby? Silly Blob Putty? Matrix Monopoly? I’d buy ‘em. Just so we’re transparent here, The Devil’s Toy Box was also one of the names of Hellraiser’s (1987) The Lament Configuration (aka, Lemarchand’s Box), a puzzle box, that when solved/opened, would summon Hell’s most Goth entities to welcome you to their depths. As local urban legends go, The Devil’s Toy Box is also cabin in Louisiana that when occupied, makes people go insane. Probably because of intermittent Internet connection, questionable plumbing and no bars for your Evil Smart Phone.

The Lurker

THE LURKER (2018)
“A group of theatre students, celebrating their final show, begin to slowly disappear one at a time.”

Seriously? This is a horror movie? The students probably snuck off to partake in the weed, or in my case, Steel Reserve™.

The Witch Files

THE WITCH FILES (2018)
“A group of marginalized young women form a powerful coven and find they have the ability to grant their every wish. Though they soon realize the danger of messing with powerful forces beyond their control.”

I liked this better when they called it The Craft (1996). So yeah, high school chick witches. I’ll stick with TV’s Sabrina, The Teenage Witch (1996 — 2003) ‘cause she’s such a cutie.

The Craft / Sabrina The Teenage Witch

Hanging Out With Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Heirloom

James hasn’t been home for a while. Twenty years, in fact, studying abroad. (Instead of studying a broad — heh.) Imagine his surprise when he finds out he’s inherited the family’s huge mansion and can live there rent free. Sure, the place is in disrepair and could use a good de-ghosting. But free is always a good thing. Or is it?

The Heirloom

James invites his friends over to drink some wine. (What, you too good for beer? Posers.) During the sipping something happens to their guests. The house has that effect on people, seeing how all those years ago the entire family committed suicide by hanging — all at the same time. The family that slays together, stays together.

The Heirloom

Over the course of the slowly advancing plot, we discover the multi-millionaire family used ghost children to help make them powerful and rich, and a way to smite their enemies. All this time I thought you just needed to rub a lamp. The care and feeding of the ghosts is another issue altogether, using family members’ um, juices for spiritual potato chips. If you got sick or came down with a case of the brain tumors and polluted the food chain, then into the attic you went — for years.

The Heirloom

The bottom line is James’ friends are being hanged by invisible rope. (It’s amazing how technology has advanced.) His girlfriend finds out the secret of the tainted house and why it seems more haunted than usual.

The Heirloom

The Heirloom (aka, Zhai bian/2005) is murderously tedious, not particularly creepy, and bogged down with too much talk (sub-titles), and not nearly enough cursed spirits. This is surprising given that there are so many ghosts out of work, a fair number of whom would intern for free if given the chance.

A Vampire Who Takes Handsome lessons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortality

Finally, a vampire movie that re-invents the genre to the point you’ll no longer think of the blood-sucking undead as glaring, cape-wearing suckwads with glowing eyeballs. (Not like the ones I see in the grocery store all the time.)

Immortality

A young British man (straight teeth — no fangs or poor genetics) is double handsome and triple charming. He uses these enhanced techniques to entice women to his flat (deflated apartment), where he seduces (politely feels them up) them in really cool ways, too — wine, polite conversation, demonic shadow-casting

Immortality

Sufficiently dazzled, he gets ’em in the sack, then in the throat, where he needs the enhanced emotions that provide nutrients, which keep him alive.

Immortality

Along the way, Immortality (aka, The Wisdom of Crocodiles/1998) takes several amazing turns. The cops are on to him, yet he cleverly plays into their hands. He encounters street thugs in a very intense stand-off, uses only his wicked charms to talk the ruffians down. Then he gets a girlfriend who he doesn’t want to kill, yet…he…must.

Immortality

Extremely intelligent, superbly acted, with dialogue that doesn’t make you wanna punch the director in the lens.

Wining Zombies, Accidental Superpowers, The Endless Endless

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead Wine

For those of you/us/me who get drunk on The Walking Dead, can now actually get drunk on The Walking Dead with the release of three special edition TWD bottles of wine. (Disclaimer: I don’t drink wine — I drink beer, for those of you making out your Christmas gift lists).

From the press release: “Wine lovers and fans of The Walking Dead can now order The Walking Dead Wine Collection from Lot18 in partnership with AMC. Perfect for your weekly viewing parties or for any occasion, the limited-edition collection features three hand-crafted blends and uniquely designed labels to honor the essence of characters from the series. The inspiration behind the wines are as follows…”

Rick Grimes – 2016 California Petite Sirah. This red is a true crowd pleaser – bold, dark and balanced, exhibiting a notable tension between the bright acidity and firm, tannic structure.”

Daryl Dixon – 2016 California Cabernet Sauvignon. Similarly reliable, showing depth and an attractive core of ripe black fruits, intermingled with savory nuances of coffee bean and dried herbs.”

Negan – California Bourbon Barrel Red Blend. Bourbon barrel aged for three months. Composed of 73% Merlots, 18% Zinfandel and 9% Petite Sirah.”

Too many descriptive adjectives, one of 100 gripes I have with wine. Beer only needs one word to sell it: Ice cold. (Okay, that’s two words, but they both mean the same thing.)

Get TWD wine series wile supplies last: $20 a bottle, $132.00 MSRP 1/2 case, $264.00 full case. Click HERE to get drunk.

While you go shopping for new wine straws, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to suck down…

Apocalypse Road

APOCALYPSE ROAD (December 5, 2017/VOD)
“Following a post-apocalyptic event, two sisters are hunted down and separated by a gang of ruthless killers intent on creating their own twisted form of law and order. The sisters must fight through this new, dangerous world to stay alive in the hopes of being reunited, and escaping to freedom.”

The don’t say what the apocalyptic event is, but I can theorize that all the ICE COLD beer ran out. That’s enough to drive anyone over the edge of sanity.

Day of the Dead: Bloodline

DAY OF THE DEAD: BLOODLINE (January 5, 2018/VOD)
“A re-imagining of George A. Romero’s cult classic, Day of the Dead: Bloodline is set in a post-apocalyptic, zombie-filled world where a former med school student is tormented by a dark figure from her past. The only thing is, he’s a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her world.”

So this mysterious figure is half-human/half-zombie. Which half is which? That’ll be important to know when shopping for a bathing suit.

Psychokinesis

PSYCHOKINESIS (2018)
“An ordinary man accidentally obtains superpowers and uses them to help his daughter and others around them.”

The phrase “accidentally obtains superpowers” is how I describe myself after drinking  a half case of pre-apocalyptic ICE COLD beers.

The Endless

THE ENDLESS (2018)
“A lonesome man at the threshold of death finds himself trapped in a place called The Endless.”

Yep, he’s stuck in a dive bar bathroom.

Icy Horror, Chilling Ghosts, Cold Demons

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Want a real life/real time horror story? A Yahoo!.com science article published on Thursday, July 13, 2017 stated that unchecked climate change will eventually lead to widespread devastation on Earth. To that I say, YEESH! intentionally in all caps.

The jolting article, written by Business Insider’s Kevin Loria, goes on to say, “Rising seas will inundate coastal cities like Miami, searing heat will increase human mortality, and acidic oceans will become inhospitable to fish and coral, leaving behind little but rubbery masses of jellyfish. These consequences of human activity could be the thing that prevents our civilization from advancing much further. In a particularly extreme scenario, it could even wind up wiping us from the face of the Earth.” (They had me at “rubbery masses of jellyfish.”)

This information is timely given that a trillion ton glacier chunk the size of Delaware recently broke off the Antarctica ice shelf (it’s like a cupboard for frozen water), an event horizon that portends mega doom for at least more than a few Emperor penguins and/or whale-eating polar bears. And all this time I presumed aliens would zap our sorry asses, suck up all the valuables (gas, alcohol, bit coins, frozen burritos) and head back to Mars for a kick ass party.

Geostorm

Earth-ending weather-gone-wild horror movies are nothing new (the most recent upcoming  being Geostorm/2017), but to have it all come to real life is a whole different box office.

Speaking of, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies we may or may not get to see once that huge iceberg smashes into our neighborhoods and precious 7-Elevens™. But hey, at the very least, beer will be the coldest it’s ever been!

Planetarium

PLANETARIUM (August 11, 2017/New York — August 18, 2017/Los Angeles)
“In 1930s France, two sisters who are thought to be able to communicate with ghosts meet a visionary producer while performing in Paris.”

Interesting fun fact: All French people can communicate with ghosts, or “des fantômes.” And yes, it has everything to do with drinking a quart of wine per meal.

Ghost House

GHOST HOUSE (August 25, 2017)
A young couple, Jim and Julie, are vacationing in Thailand where Julie falls in love with photographing small shrines called ‘Ghost Houses’ that are believed to give spirits shelter and comfort. A couple of British travelers take them into the countryside with the promise of showing Jim and Julie a ghost house graveyard where many of the shrines are discarded. After leaving the graveyard with a souvenir, Julie is increasingly plagued by visits from a malevolent spirit that threatens both her sanity and her life. After Julie is literally frozen in a state of terror, Jim must find a way to lift the curse before he loses Julie to the ghost world forever.”

Yeah, you don’t wanna shoplift in graveyards. First, said item(s) are always gonna be marinated in evil. Secondly, you don’t want stealing from the dead on your record. As for the Ghost Houses, rent is oddly steep for those things. I looked ‘em up on Zillow.com. You can see pics of inside these houses and it looks like someone lives there — but you never actually see people in the photos. Sounds like ghosts to me.

Exorcism of the Dead

EXORCISM OF THE DEAD (2017/2018)
“Candace, a deeply troubled young woman, is possessed by an ambitious demon. Her family has tried every conventional method to heal her, but both medicine and psychology have failed. As a last resort, they reach out for aid from the church, unaware the priest who arrives to deal with the situation has his own dark secrets.”

This premise has been done and overdone more times than I’ve been exorcised (47 and counting. Note to stupid preachers — not possessed, just drunk-ish.) But I take my collar off for the demon’s sticktoitiveness work ethic.

Skeptical About Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Skeptic

Bryan Beckett is an attorney whose aunt just died and left him a four-story Victorian house loaded with lots of eBay™-able furnishings. The house also comes with a ghost. Therein lies the problem — Beckett is pragmatic to a fault, refusing to believe in the Loch Ness monster, the Roswell Incident, or spooks and/or spirits. He doesn’t even go to church because he thinks all that God stuff is just plain silly. Ironic how he keeps yelling out “Jesus Christ!” whenever the ghost comes around.

The Skeptic

Beckett moves into the house and hears audible whispers and door scratchings (probably a giant talking rat). He even sees reflections of a ghost woman in mirrors and crumpled up at the bottom of the stairs. These are goon out moments. He later learns the house was willed to a scientific institute that specializes in investigation of the paranormal.

The Skeptic

Having his inheritance yanked from underneath his disbeliefs, Beckett goes to the institute and discovers his aunt was a customer after hearing voices and scratchings herself. But the lab director deals in science fact, not fiction, and easily dismisses the experiences in what Beckett now believes to be a haunted house. And hey, factor in all the medication he’s been taking for chronic insomnia (and delicious wine left in the cellar), and you have a plausible explanation for the spookings. If only drugs and booze were that simple.

The Skeptic

As the paranormal events escalate, Beckett slowly discovers he’s been blocking something so horrifying, he’d pee his pants right now if it wouldn’t be embarrassing in front of the supernaturally pre-disposed chick from the institute. She moves in for a night to see if the place is actually haunted, or if Beckett’s dipstick isn’t quite touching the oil.  Strong dialogue propels the mystery even further, with the vomit-inducing truth coming to his mind’s surface.

The Skeptic

An above average ghost story, The Skeptic (2009), even with its lackluster ending (it needed less Casper/1995, and more Poltergeist/1982), has great reaction shots and enough scare moments to make that which was prone to puckering even more so.