Archive for North Pole

Punk Rock Space Bird

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Giant Claw

The “giant claw” is a gigantic, squawking space bird that sounds like a panic-stricken monkey and a car alarm, and looks similar to those novelty toys you win playing ring toss at the carnival. Except they give this to you when you lose.

The Giant Claw

G. Claw is here. Deal with it. Mitch MacAfee, aeronautical engineer, sees the bird first during a radar test in the North Pole. He thinks it’s a UFO and is mocked for it. Given that the monster first appears as nothing more than a blur, like laundry fuzz in the corner of your eye, it’s a sound assumption. It isn’t until this hungry bird attacks a plane and eats the skydivers — and their parachutes — like gum with the wrapper still on, that MacAfee is taken seriously.

The Giant Claw

All attempts to blow that darn thing out of the sky are futile. Seems it emits some sort of deflective anti-matter shield around itself. So now the race is on to figure out how to burst its bubble. Meanwhile, Claw is eating teenager filled cars, trains and anything else with a nice satisfying crunch. (G-Claw chews into the U.N. building as if it were a skyscraping Graham Cracker™.)

The Giant Claw

Assisting MacAfee and his experiments with meson atoms is his smooch-able girlfriend, Dr. Karol Noymann and the non-smooch-able General Considine and General Van Buskirk. Working around the clock, experiment after experiment fails, while Claw is making a nest the size of a parking lot in which to lay goop filled eggs.

The Giant Claw

Finally succeeding at creating a machine that renders the bird’s anti-matter invulnerable, they rig it to a B-52 bomber and lure Big Bird into a trap, complete with armed warheads. And Claw shall shriek no more.

The Giant Claw

The Giant Claw (1957) is two movies, one loaded with tight acting/rapid fire hilarious dialogue, and the other a discount puppet show, with the bird’s Sesame Street™ hairdo and strings visible, flapping askew around the sky like it was on drugs. You’ll like this movie better if you were on drugs.

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

The Eeval Ded

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bach ke Zaraa

Evil just doesn’t exist in the United States – it’s everywhere, man. Why, you can’t even go to the North Pole and not encounter pure evil. (They have satanic penguins up there that’ll kill you and drink your blood. The produce guy at the grocery store told me that. I believe him. Why the heck would he lie?)

Bach ke Zaraa

So it comes as zippo surprise to find our brand of evil is being copied by other countries in need of an evil upgrade. Take for instance Bhayanak Mahal B (1988) and Bach ke Zaraa (2008, two horror movies made in the Republic of India. Both copy The Evil Dead (1981) to embarrassing extremes.

Back ke Zaraa

Bach ke Zara – unofficially referred to as Bollywood Evil Dead. In this one you have a note-for-note rendition, except they throw in skimpily attired ladies, body smooching, and a choreographed dance number featuring a mud smeared (I hope it was mud) chick and muscle-y men. (Note to India – why on Earth do you always have to put in a choreographed dance sequence in every flippin’ horror movie? What is wrong with you?)

Bhayaanak Mahal

The pronunciation-challenging Bhayanak Mahal B (you gotta say it with your throat packed with half-swallowed dry cereal), translates to Awesome Castle B. I never saw Awesome Castle A.

Bhayaanak Mahal

This one also templates The Evil Dead schtick with melty-faced demons (or it could be a vampire), suitable gore (could’ve used some more curry in the fury) and a chick in a red string bikini. (Apparently, stylish swimwear is how you combat evil in India.)

Curious to see these logic-defying foreign horror gems? They’re on YouTube™. Some versions are in bowling alley English and even sub-titled (some with their own language). But hey – free! Now there’s something worth choreographed dancing to.

Khooni Panja

P.S. If you wanna see a really goofy but still f’d up Bollywood horror movie, try Khooni Panja (1991). It’s about a an extra-marital affair gone sour, volleyball, severed limbs and demonic possession. Too bad they didn’t add, I don’t know, some sort of dance sequence. That would’ve made this thing rock.

Giant Bug vs. Enormous Bug

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Deadly Mantis

There is only one thing The Deadly Mantis (1957) has over the almost identical Them! (1954), a nuclear monster movie hailed by the American Film Institute as one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time: The bug looks cooler. Yeah, I said it.

The Deadly Mantis

The giant ants in Them! look like someone stuck pipe cleaners into a couple of potatoes and spray-painted ’em with Rust-oleum™. The giant mantis in The Deadly Mantis looks exactly like a mantis, all alien-esque, spindly and icky. (While we’re on the subject, The Outer Limits Zanti Misfits (1963) look more like what ants are supposed to look like minus the big bulging eyeballs, though I’ve seen a few of those things crawling around just after last call.)

The Zanti Misfits

Taking the page-by-page format of the “giant insects eat civilization” right out of the Them! playbook, the title 200 foot-long Mantidae (biology name) was de-iced after a volcano thawed it from its icy cube in the North Pole. (I didn’t know they had active volcanoes in the North Pole. Snowball fights, yes; but lava?)

The Deadly Mantis

The military stationed up there (building a massive early detection network) sustains severe preliminary damage as the mantis feeds itself on mess hall chow (servicemen). Then it flys south, theorized to be heading to South America where I here it’s warmer than the North Pole and more suitable for getting an all-around tan. (Note to self: Use that tanning salon coupon before it expires.)

The Deadly Mantis

On its way for a vacation, the mantis buzzes Washington, D.C., and takes a poop rest on the Washington Monument, totally mocking visiting hours. Jets are dispatched, but the launched missiles rarely connect with their exoskeleton target. (Note to the city down below: the air force was just trying to help, man – get over it.)

The Deadly Mantis

One heroic pilot accidentally rams his jet into the bug due to London-grade fog that seems to be covering the entire East Coast, ejecting before ka-BOOM! The mantis hits the ground and crawls into the Manhattan Tunnel, mimicking the giants ants that took up homeless camp residence in the vast Los Angeles drainage tunnels and mocking New York Port Authority’s toll charges. The bail-out pilot leads the charge into the tunnel, armed with chemical gas can bombs, and throws it right onto the face of mantis. In your face, deadly mantis!

The Deadly Mantis

But for all its plagiarized similarities to Them!, The Deadly Mantis has two very funny scenes. One is with a bunch of military guys jailhouse rockin’ each other in the rec room as there are no dames around at the North Pole, and the other where a scientist and a dame (visiting journalist covering the story) and a military dude are theorizing how big the monster is, guessing that it’s probably over six-feet tall. This while the mantis is right outside their window and rising up over three stories. I just about crapped sno-cones over that one.

In conclusion, while the sci-fi sorta classic The Deadly Mantis looks good, it isn’t as good as Them!

P.S. For more big bug fun, watch 1957’s Beginning of the End – it features REAL giant grasshoppers. Those things goon me out for some reason.

Beginning of the End