Archive for Republicans

Badass Aliens, Spooky Town, Zombie Rabies

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Predator

Two new badass key art posters for the upcoming Predator (September 14, 2018) movie. There’s different titles on several of ‘em — one of the first posters says Pred4tor, and these say simply The Predator. I don’t care what they call it as I’ve been a Predator fan since the first movie (can’t remember what they called it) when it came out in 1987. I even tried to comb my hair to look like the dreadlocked Predator, even though everybody else at the time was trying to look like a member of Duran Duran.

The Predator

As I e-barfed about this movie back in May, 2018, the plot revolves around the alien Predator hunters genetically hybriding themselves with DNA from other species. Here on Earth we call that getting lucky at Ladies Night (“Lois Lanes”) at the bowling alley. (And hey — microwaved nachos are only $1.99 while supplies last!)

Aqua Velva

Before you pull out the plaid and Aqua Velva™ cologne and head to the bowling alley, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not go good with $1.99 microwaved nachos…

Castle Rock

CASTLE ROCK (July 25, 2018/Hulu™)
Castle Rock combines the mythological scale and intimate character storytelling of Stephen King’s best-loved works, weaving an epic saga of darkness and light, played out on a few square miles of Maine woodland.”

The extended trailer for this 10 episode TV series looks pretty dang creepy. Guess I’ll have to bribe my neighbor with some sort of adult beverage with optional ice cubes and/or silly straw to get his Hulu™ login password and binge watch it.

Hurt

HURT (July 26, 2018/Fantasia)
Rose moves into a house in the woods close to her sister after her boyfriend gets deployed and things don’t go right when Halloween night arrives.”

Yeesh, they really don’t try to sell it with that generic/lame press release. Wonder if Rose has to do battle with Halloween raccoons out trick-or-treating for pine cones? Who wouldn’t want to see a movie like that?

Patient Zero

PATIENT ZERO (August 14, 2018)
“An unprecedented global pandemic has resulted in the evolution of a new species. An aggressive form of rabies turns the infected into predators, addicted to violence. An inexplicably gifted human survivor with the ability to speak their new language spearheads a hunt for Patient Zero in order to find a cure to save his infected wife and humanity.”

The global pandemic that creates an aggressive form of rabies no doubt results in Republicans. That obvious truth stated, Patient Zero sounds like a cross between Pontypool (2008) and every other zombie movie from the last 10 years. You may now aggressively yawn.

My Worst Nightmare

MY WORST NIGHTMARE (Canada on T+E/Spring 2019)
My Worst Nightmare explores harrowing recurring nightmares and brings them to life in vivid detail.”

This is gonna be Canadian documentary TV series, which means you should stock up on Moosehead Lager (5% alcohol), Molson Canadian (5% alcohol), Labatt Blue (5% alcohol), Sleeman’s Honey Brown (5.3% alcohol), Big Rock Traditional Ale (5% alcohol), and — winner! — Unibroue La Fin Du Monde (9% alcohol). Heck, try ’em all and bring your own nightmares to life in vivid detail.

Shark Glasses, Dark Web, Horror Rock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Week

If you wanna watch Discovery Channel’sShark Week’s 30th Anniversary in style, you’ll need the awesomely awesome Shark Week sunglasses, which at $35.00 will take a sizable bite out of your wallet.

Shark Week

Launching July 22, 2018, Shark Week (which began in 1988) is set to score mouthfuls of ratings. Even cooler is that $5 of the branded sunglasses profit goes to Oceana™, the “leading international conservation organization focused on protecting and restoring the world’s oceans.” Kinda makes you think: how does one protect the world’s oceans — with squirt guns?”

Shark Week

More Shark Week sunglasses info from the press release: “Built on Knockaround’s™ durable and high-quality Fort Knocks frame style, the 2018 Shark Week sunglasses feature a translucent breakwater blue frame with Great White jaw graphics, silver hardware, and polarized predator red lenses. Every pair comes with a shark tooth microfiber protective pouch and Shark Week 30th anniversary commemorative packaging.”

Shark Week

Red lenses? That sounds groovy, especially when using ‘em to watch sharks tear through bloody seal/surfer carcasses. Talk about smearing frosting all over the cake!

While I go stand on the corner and beg for bit coins in order to buy this must-have eye-wear, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may require red-lensed sunglasses to watch…

Triptychon of Fear

TRIPTYCHON OF FEAR (July 13, 2018/region-free)
Triptychon of Fear is a trio of gloomy and horrifying stories from Grindhouse Entertainment, the twisted minds behind the Ghouls Night Out trilogy, Isolation, and Snuff Tape anthology. The three episodes, running a combined 91 minutes, will be available for sale on July 13, 3028 at all German wholesalers and abroad.”

A trilogy, eh? Good things come in threes. So do bad things. But this is horror, so if bad ain’t happening to you, let’s put this in the goody column.

Unfriended: Dark Web

UNFRIENDED: DARK WEB (JULY 20, 2018)
“When a 20-something finds a cache of hidden files on his new laptop, he is thrust into the deep waters of the dark web.”

More teen social media horror, which is not my wheelhouse. That I’m even doing a public blog violates my personal standards and practices of making my privates public. Ironically, someone will have to Tweet a review that I’ll read as there are no plans in my e-less future to watch it.

Dead Envy

DEAD ENVY (2018)
“Aging rock artist David Tangier’s sense of identity is all but destroyed as he works cutting hair to provide a comfortable life for himself and his wife. His sound and age bind him to the Rock of the 2000’s, where his band Katatonic Spin once ruled the scene. David cannot tolerate that his entire existence has fallen prey to the persona of “the has been.”

It’s said that Dead Envy is a musical. Strike one. The plot also borrows heavily from The Hand (1981). Strike two. I’ll know if it’s a strike-out after watching it.

The Scarlet Vultures

THE SCARLET VULTURES (2018)
“A young woman discovers that she has a special ingredient that elicits a state of euphoria in its consumers, but not everyone is so special.”

There are so many jokes I could insensitively blurt out, but I don’t want a woman and/or women to beat me up.

Godzilla Apology, Overhead Storage Ghosts, Hurtful Space Things

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Still face-planting over Cinemablend.com’s recent article/interview titled: There’s A Reason Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla Was A Flop, According To The Producer. So co-writer/producer Dean Devlin is “apologizing” now after 20 years? This movie still continues to rip us off.

Godzilla

In the article written by Conner Schwerdtfeger (real name, I swear), the film, which Conner accurately claims has since gone on to become known as one of the worst cinematic versions of Godzilla (1998) ever, Devlin burps, “Roland and I made an intellectual idea that was interesting but not compelling filmmaking. We said in real life, a lizard is neither evil nor good, it’s just a lizard. So what if one got to that size and in its effort to survive, it threatened us, but it wasn’t mad at us? It was just simply doing what it did and it causes this problem for us. Well, that’s interesting, but that’s not Godzilla.”

Godzilla

I assume he was wearing his ass hat while doing the interview. And saying Godzilla is just a lizard? That’s like saying the Titanic was just a row boat. And while we’re on the subject, the design/look of 1998 Godzilla’s face was more akin to that of a dirty city bus with unbrushed teeth than the iconic visage the world has come to love/fear/pee your pants over. 

Here’s a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi films we can only hope Devlin had no creative control over…

Flight 666

FLIGHT 666 (available now)
“Passengers and crew on an international flight are attacked by unseen forces that threaten all aboard. As they fight to stay alive, they realize these are spirits of murdered girls determined to stop their killer who is on the flight.”

That title’s been taken: the 2009 Iron Maiden Flight 666 documentary. That one had ghosts, too — the spirits of all the emo bands Iron Maiden crushed out of existence. Heh.

The Unthinkable

THE UNTHINKABLE (June, 2018/Sweden)
The Unthinkable takes place in the aftermath of a mysterious attack in Sweden. Amid the chaos, a young man is forced to return to his hometown, where he crosses path with his high school sweetheart and falls back in love with her.”

And this is considered to be a horror movie why? Sounds like some teen romance flick, which, ironically, is pretty darn horrifying when you think about it.

5th Passenger

5TH PASSENGER (July 10, 2018)
“Set in the aftermath of an oppressive class war, Miller, a pregnant officer aboard an escape pod must struggle to survive with her remaining crew when a mysterious and vicious life form attacks, determined to become the dominant species.”

Sounds like those Republicans are gettin’ all uppity even more than usual.

The Good Samaritans

THE GOOD SAMARITANS (2018)
“A beautiful young woman is stranded alone in a desolate corner of 16th century Romania. Two opportunistic highwaymen seek to take advantage of the woman’s predicament but all is not as it seems…”

Highwaymen is what we now call “ride sharing.” Once you contact them by e-crows, they’ll be by to pick you up in a few days. Be standing on a corner/pile of dirt where they can see you. 

Bad Ghost Parenting

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Disappointments Room

Dana Barrow, an architect, is suffering from severe mental goon-out after her market-fresh daughter died. So she moves out of Brooklyn with her not-dead 5-year-old son and husband David (I forget what his last name is) into the aptly named Blacker Estate in backwoods North Carolina. Good luck finding a decent taco truck there. The Blacker Estate, while previously full of mansion-y grandeur and tragedy back in the 19th Century, has sat for decades, abandoned, if you will. Something to do with the death of its owners.

The Disappointments Room

Doesn’t take long before Dana, already dealing with more than a few burnt out bulbs on the ’ol mental marquee, starts “seeing” things, like a her son Lucas soaked in blood and a German Shepherd dog that may or may not bark with a foreign accent. Then she sees a light in the attic. Since they haven’t been up there and the door is perma-locked, it can only mean one thing — there’s a ghost squatting, rent-free.

The Disappointments Room

She checks the house blueprints and sees no indication of that room even being there. Scooby Doo-ing the crap out of this mystery, she finds the entrance to the ghost room blocked by an armoire, or “big ass cabinet.” She cleverly finds the key, goes in and gets psyched by visions of a young girl being parentally bullied. This causes Dana further reality-functioning failure.

The Disappointments Room

After shaking off the burn, she does some research and discovers the house was owned by Judge Ernest Blacker, and that his daughter Laurie died the same day as Dana’s daughter. You can see where this is going. The Judge used the attic as a “disappoints room,” a place where money-flush socialites hid away their children who were born with deformities/abnormalities. (Yes, the parents were Republicans.)

The Disappointments Room

Dana stops taking her meds and soon has more icky visions. Then a grave with Laura’s deformed body is discovered by the handyman. The Judge manifests, clobbers him with a shovel (all ghosts pack garden tools) and leaves him hanging from a tree. Dana then notices the light again in the attic, not smartly goes back up there, and “sees” visions of the Judge murdering his handicapped daughter with a hammer. I don’t care which side of the Law you stand — this was not cool.

The Disappointments Room

The ghost of Judge Blacker moves on Dana’s son, but she grabs the tool and decides its hammer time. David arrives to see Dana bashing the memories out of her son’s memory foam bed. Thankfully, no one was in it at the time…or was there?The Disappointments Room

Things finally come to a boil that is Dana’s saucepan head, and the secret to her mental throw-downs are revealed — and it has less to do with the Judge and more to do with her daughter’s death. Pretty harsh.

In all The Disappointments Room (2016), based on real things our not-so great grandfathers/mothers did for the sake of staying in high society’s haughty graces, is thematically ugly, but lacking any real scares. (Ghosts with hammers — yawn.) Still, the twist at the end will stick in your mouth like polter-peanut butter.

Monster Marriage

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , on May 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Married A Monster

A pointless re-make of the 1958 sci-fi classic I Married a Monster from Outer Space, I Married A Monster (1998) has groaning special effects, none of the campiness of the original, and a shocking disregard of nakedity. I’m probably visibly shaken.

I Married A Monster

The night before his wedding, a beer-swilling, cigarette smoking, pool-playing guy goes out looking for his dog in the woods and discovers a gelatinous space craft that sucks him in and takes over his body. His new wife is unsuspecting, even though he no longer drinks or smokes or hangs out with the guys. (Aliens must be Republicans.) 

I Married A Monster

While her attempts at seduction are pointed (her panties are out of this world), the alien hubby can’t seem to figure out that peg B goes into slot A. Once all the other men in town are “invaded”, they go about trying to knock up local chicks to keep their race from dying out. 

I Married A Monster

No X-rated inter-galactic lovin’, no lunar booty, no space knockers. This one should be re-titled, I Rented Another Dud.

Zombie Cartoons, Undead Dinosaurs, All Purpose Evil

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Michael and Jason

From artist Joe Gallimore comes a wicked cool mash-up with Michael Myers from Halloween (1978) and the infamous Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) key art, which was actually banned back in the day by the New York City Tourism committee. (All Republicans, no doubt.)

While we still wait for the New York City Tourism committee to pull their heads out of their Port Authority, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get banned…

Zombiology

ZOMBIOLOGY (available now)
“When a monster from a popular animated show appears and starts a zombie outbreak, it’s up to eccentric duo Lung and Chi-Yeung to stand up and fight the horde of the recently deceased, and save their friends from all around chaos!”

I wish more cartoon characters would come to life and cause chaos. Just think of what Scooby Doo could do to/on your lawn.

The Incantation

THE INCANTATION (available now)
“A young American girl has a chance of a lifetime to visit her ancestors castle in the south of France, only to find that her family is hiding deep, dark secrets about their nefarious past, far away from prying eyes.”

YET ANOTHER family with deep, dark secrets. Got me thinking about my own family and what secrets THEY might be hiding. Time to kick down the door of the ‘ol ancestral outhouse and see if there’s a nefarious stuff laying around.

The Jurassic Dead

THE JURASSIC DEAD (Summer, 2018)
“A unit of mercenaries must team up with a group of tech-geek students after American is struck with an EMP attack. Deep in the desert, they find the source of the terror, a mad scientist who has also just created a living dead T-Rex dinosaur, one who turns everyone it attacks into a zombie. Now they must scramble to stay alive and save the planet from the ultimate undead predator.”

Hate to whiz in your punchbowl, but there was a zombie dinosaur movie before this: Z-Rex: The Jurassic Dead (2016). Maybe they know each other or are cousins on their mother’s side. Or it could be a simple case of plagiarism. Best to consult the family paleontologist.

Tormented

TORMENTED (2018)
“A tragic car accident leads a family into a nightmare of supernatural terror as an ancient evil haunts their dreams.”

Supernatural terror and ancient evil go hand in hand, like peanut butter and Cheetos™. What, you’ve never tried peanut butter on Cheetos™? Like supernatural terror and ancient evil, they’re to die for.

Stock Market Horror, Jealous Ghosts, Cult Rentals

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror Equity Fund

Do you have an HEF in your investment portfolio? If not, you might consider it. Why? HEF is an acronym for Horror Equity Fund, Inc.™ (Film & Entertainment Investment Platform), a way to invest in the horror genre and to build your future on all things entertainment scary.

Horror Equity Fund

The mission statement from Marlon Schulman, Founder and CEO of Horror Equity Fund: “Today, we are experiencing a new golden era in Horror entertainment. Our model establishes a cross-collateralized, diversified portfolio that mitigates risk and subsequently increases the opportunity for the highest return on investment. HEF curates, develops, and accelerates to market projects in film, television, virtual reality, augmented reality, live presentations, publishing, video gaming, merchandising, Internet, and other transmedia categories, creating a unique portfolio of profit participation.”

“Though the commitment to Horror and Thriller entertainment is thriving, the world of Horror has lacked a community where they can find one another, participate in and profit from this popular genre. Horror Equity Fund offers those fans, content creators and investors transparency, honesty, integrity and one of the deepest creative benches in Horror.”

“Fans, Content Creators, and Investors will begin to experience the benefits of HEF and immediately participate in the Mutual Fund of Horror.”

Horror Equity Fund

Man, I can’t wait to invest, once I look under the couch cushions and relieve my virtual piggy bank of all its precious bit coins. At $100 minimum investment/$1 per share (I’ll have to go without beer for one day), this seems like a no-brainer. And if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s being a no-brainer. This is a crowd-funding venture, so check out their highly impressive website for your guide to banking on all things horror: CLICK HERE.

While you’re doing your Wizard of Wall Street thing, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV and movies waiting for you to invest in your couch…

Ash vs. Evil Dead

ASH vs. EVIL DEAD/SEASON 3 (February 25/Starz™)
Bruce Campbell leads the cast, reprising the role of Ash Williams; Lucy Lawless, as Ruby, devises her most diabolical plan to defeat Ash and raise Hell on earth; Ray Santiago as Pablo Simon Bolivar, forever loyal to Jefe (Ash), will realize his true destiny in the battle against evil; and Dana DeLorenzo as Kelly Maxwell, whose single goal is to kill Ruby and end the Evil Dead torment once and for all.”

Disclaimer: I previously plugged this and used the same art. What a lazy ass, am I. Just excited for season three, is all. A great day when you can turn on the television and see evil run wild. (Not referring to Republicans and/or politicians in general.) Ash vs. Evil Dead is incredibly gore gooshy, fun, funny and a highly addictive (for me, anyway) TV adaptation. Guess where I’ll be on February 25?

The Housemaid

THE HOUSEMAID (February 16, 2018)
Vietnam, 1953: Linh, a poor, orphaned young woman, finds employment as a housemaid in a crumbling rubber plantation presided over by the emotionally fragile French officer Sebastien Laurent. Soon, a torrid love affair develops between the two — a taboo romance that rouses the ghost of Laurent’s dead wife, who won’t rest until blood flows. Submerged in moody Gothic atmosphere, this stylish supernatural saga confronts the dark shadows of Vietnam’s colonial past while delivering heart-stopping scares.”

Great — a jealous female ghost.  Hell hath no fury, blah, blah, blah. When you’re on the receiving end of a female — back from the dead or otherwise — hellbent on jealous revenge, best to disappear yourself.

House of Demons

HOUSE OF DEMONS (February 2018)
Gwen, Matthew, Katrina, and Spencer were best friends for years, until a terrible tragedy tore them apart, and left all of them in a state of arrested development. Ten years later, they’re reunited for a destination wedding to stay together in a rented house. What they don’t know is in the late ’60s, the house was home to a Manson Family-like cult, run by Frazer, a charismatic former scientist pushing the boundaries of human consciousness. Over the course of one long night, everyone must confront their darkness or be destroyed by it.”

I wonder if when renting houses, cults pay first and last and a damage deposit, as well as having their credit history checked? (Note to cults — if you have a pet, be prepared to pay extra.)

Demon House

DEMON HOUSE (March 16, 2018)
“As mass hysteria breaks out over an alleged demonic possession in an Indiana home referred to as a ‘Portal to Hell,’ Ghost Adventures host and paranormal investigator Zak Bagans buys the house, sight unseen, over the phone. He and his crew then become the next victims of the most documented case of demonic possession in US history…the ‘House of 200 Demons.’”

200 demons living under one roof? Good luck getting in some bathroom time. And if your turn is next, keep a can of Glade™ handy. “Hell” and “smell” rhyme for a reason.