Archive for Republicans

17 Godzillas, Pool Monsters, Satanic Country Clubs

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Another key art treatment for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). This would be the ninth one, and I hope they make nine more. I need to cover an entire wall that needs paint. The latest trailer asks the question, how many Titans (embiggened monsters) are there? To which Dr. Ishiro Serizawa replies: “17 — and counting.” I bet one of ‘em is living in the apartment above me, stomping on the floor like it was Tokyo.”

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

To quell your nervous anticipation for the movie, here are a few upcoming/now available horror movies that may or may not be as horrifying as a paint neglected wall…

Drowning Echo

DROWNING ECHO (available now)
“During a visit to friends, Sara begins having visions and is attacked by an unearthly creature in her friend’s swimming pool; she soon discovers that anyone who comes into contact with the water is in danger and she is driven to confront the mystical and malevolent creature lurking in the depths.”

When I was a kid and visited local community swimming pools, the unearthly creature at the bottom of the pools was usually a turd. I didn’t do it. But I know who did: Republicans.

The Velocipastor

THE VELOCIPASTOR (2019)
“After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil — and ninjas.”

So a priest who can turn into a dinosaur or “Jesus horse.” Now THERE’S a way to make religion way more interesting. Wrote about this back in 2011. Kinda surprised I can remember back that far. It was a trailer for a movie that hadn’t been made yet. Now, all these multiple months later, it’s here. Thank Dino Lord.

Hail Satan?

HAIL SATAN? (2019)
“The Satanic Temple, a mysterious organization led by Lucien Greaves, has called for a Satanic revolution to save the soul of the US.”

One nation, under Satan, for meanness and evil for all. Isn’t that what’s going on now?

Satanic Panic

SATANIC PANIC (2019/20120)
“Times are tough for Sam. Already a cancer survivor at 22, she eeks out a meager existence delivering pizza for minimum wage — and minimum tips — while dealing with an exploitative boss and obnoxious coworkers. When the final delivery of the night promises to take her to a wealthy neighborhood with the chance of a healthy tip, she takes the opportunity to make up for an unprofitable shift. What begins as a quest for cash ends up as a quest for survival, though, when it turns out her customers aren’t who she’s used to delivering to. Instead, they’re a Satanic cult of a very different color: high-society elites for whom worshiping the Dark Lord coexists with country clubs and casseroles.”

A high-society Satanic cult that hangs out in country clubs and eats pizza and casseroles instead of chi-tos (heh)? Clearly, there are more perks to being evil than originally assessed.

Godzilla-Sized Godzilla, Demonizing Sex, Emo Witch

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Another key art poster for Godzilla: King of the Monsters, and it’s even more kick-ass than the ones before it. This one shows Godzilla squaring off with King Ghidorah while a state capitol no doubt full of screaming Republicans burns metaphorically beneath them. That sentence was as satisfying as a hot shower with limitless Mr. Bubble™.

Total Film

As I’ve gushed over and over, Godzilla: King of the Monsters arrives May 31, 2019. I have Alexa™ doing a countdown for me. To help me control my pee shivers is a cover story on the movie, courtesy of Total Film magazine, which hit the streets today (March 8, 2019). Clearly, I’ll need moist towelettes standing by while I read it.

King Ghidorah

While we wait to see these titans clash, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make Republicans scream…

Catskill Park

CATSKILL PARK (available now)
“Based on a real story, Catskill Park is a chilling tale about a camping trip that turns into a living nightmare when a blizzard traps four friends in 36 inches of sudden snow on Halloween night. A race for life ensues as they are hunted by horrific monsters, discovering a larger alien conspiracy with every terrifying stride.”

Horrific monsters, alien conspiracies and three-feet of soon-to-become-yellow danger snow? Sounds like Seattle during our snow apocalypse a few weeks ago.

Porno

PORNO (2019)
“When a group of naive teens working at a movie theater in a small Christian town discover a mysterious film hidden in its basement, they unleash an alluring succubus who gives them a sex education…written in blood.”

I really should check my basement for succubus infestation. For educational purposes. Ahem.

Tone-Deaf

TONE-DEAF (2019)
After losing her job and imploding her latest dysfunctional relationship, millennial Olive leaves the city for a weekend of peace in the country, only to discover the shockingly dark underbelly of rural America. She rents an eccentric, ornate country house from Harvey, an old-fashioned widower who’s struggling to hide his psychopathic tendencies. Soon two generations collide with terrifying results in this home invasion horror film that is also a darkly comedic critique of the bizarre cultural and political climate that currently exists.”

Harvey is holding back — I say put your psychopathic tendencies on the glass. To do otherwise would be unhealthy.

Daughter of Dismay

DAUGHTER OF DISMAY (2019)
Daughter of Dismay tells the surreal and mystical tale of an emotionally broken witch. She enters the darkness of the woods to fulfill her biggest desire, for which she takes extreme and radical measures that will have sinister consequences. Portrayed in elegant painting-like images, the film is an epic, moving and emotional trip through a world of witchcraft and occultism, leading to a heartbreaking and melancholic finale.”

So this moody witch goes into the woods to “fulfill her biggest desire.” That can only mean one thing: she found Bigfoot on Tinder™.

Game Sharks, Evil Warehouses, Dreadful Angels

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws

If you’re looking to do some pre-Christmas shopping done, there is no better gift to get me than the new Jaws board game by Ravensburger. And here’s the supremely cool part — one player gets to be the shark!

Jaws

Coming late June 2019, the Jaws board game will bite into your wallet for $30. Heck, I’d pay at least $35 for such a cool game. Here’s why…

Jaws

“Like Steven Spielberg’s classic film, Jaws the board game plays out in two major acts. The first part has the player controlling the shark terrorizing Amity Island by attacking swimmers, while up to three other opponents — playing as Quint, Brody, and Hooper — try to cooperatively figure out exactly where the shark is hiding in the surrounding murky depths. Once the shark is located, the game switches to a second act.”

While you fight over who gets to buy me the game, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as ridiculously cool as a cardboard shark

1st Summoning

1st SUMMONING (February 22, 2019)
“As four student filmmakers unearth a bizarre history of occult practice tied to an abandoned warehouse, it becomes clear the horror they set out to document may have been lurking among them all along.”

Of course abandoned warehouses are where evil lives — the rent is cheap.

Stray

STRAY (March 1, 2019)
“An orphaned teenager teams up with the detective investigating her mother’s murder. They soon discover a supernatural force threatening the city and realize the teen possesses hidden powers of her own which might be the key to stopping it.”

Potential spoiler: The supernatural force threatening everyone is…REPUBLICANS. Time for Democrats to tap into their hidden powers and veto them back to Hell.

Darlin'

DARLIN’ (2019)
Darlin’ picks up 10 years after the events of The Woman, when the titular character escaped with the then-young Darlin’ in tow. Now Darlin’ in is a Catholic home for girls while the Woman resides in an all-female homeless encampment.”

Didn’t see The Woman (2011), so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I looked it up and it was a sequel to Offspring (2009). Didn’t see that one, either. The internet says it was about cannibals. Sounds yummy.

Penny Dreadful: City of Angels

PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS (2020)
City of Angels will be set in 1938 Los Angeles, a time and place deeply infused with Mexican-American folklore and social tension. Rooted in the conflict between characters connected to the deity Santa Muerte and others allied with the Devil, Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will explore an exciting mix of the supernatural and the combustible reality of that period, creating new occult myths and moral dilemmas within a genuine historical backdrop.”

If this is even half as good as the Penny Dreadful TV series (2014 – 2016), which starred Count Dracula, Dr. Frankenstein and his science project, Dr. Jekyll, Dorian Gray, the Wolf-Man and a bunch of witches thrown in for flavor, then I plan on spending all my waking time binge watching it.

Nightmare King, Porno Slasher, Ghost Mom

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nightmare King

It’s one thing to eat fast food and later get nightmares. But it’s entirely another thing to have a fast food chain tell you up front their burgers will give you nightmares. Genius, and yet unsettling, both to your mind and lower intestines.

Nightmare King

Burger King™, hot on the heels of their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta™ drink for this year’s Halloween season, is now selling the Nightmare King™ (great name), a hamburger with green buns (there’s a joke in there somewhere) that’s designed to make you freak out in your sleep. Time to throw out your Freddy Krueger spring rolls.

Nightmare King

A review from CNBC.com: “The Nightmare King hase a ghoulish green bun and is filled with grilled beef, crispy chicken, bacon, American cheese and mayonnaise. And Burger King is actually claiming that the Halloween sandwich will induce nightmares, having tested it with 100 people over ten nights. The study revealed a 3.5 time increase in nightmares.

Nightmare King

It’s the combination of protein and cheese that leads to vivid dreams, according to Dr. Jose Gabriel Medina, a somnologist and the study’s lead doctor, according to an online release. People’s Rapid Eye Movement (REM) cycles were interrupted, a time when most people dream.”

Nightmare King

So they actually went out and found a doctor to validate their marketing. Wonder if they hired Republicans to cook ‘em? And before you race to Burger King™ to shell out $6.39 for one of these bad dream burgers (available October 22, 2018 while stocks last), here are a few upcoming horror that may or may not be as scary as green buns…

The Clovehitch Killer

THE CLOVEHITCH KILLER (November 16, 2018)
Tyler is a good kid, a boy scout, raised by a poor but happy family in a small, religious town. But when he finds his dad, Don, has disturbing pornography hidden in the shed, he starts to fear that his dad might be Clovehitch, an infamous serial killer that was never caught. Tyler teams up with Kassi, a teenage outcast who’s morbidly obsessed with the Clovehitch legend, to discover the truth in time to save his family.”

Porn is disturbing and a religious town isn’t? Seems they got their priorities out of whack. They probably should let Clovey get in there and straighten everyone out.

The Prodigy

THE PRODIGY (February 8, 2019)
“Pulling from The Omen and The Bad Seed, the feature tells the story of a young mother who, concerned about her 8-year-old son’s disturbing behavior, thinks something supernatural may be affecting him.”

Pulling from The Omen (1976) and The Bad Seed (1956)? How about bold-face ripping off? And just so we’re clear here, disturbing behavior is what 8-year-old kids do for a living. If you own and operate one of those things, expect it to continue for at least another 10 years.

The Final Wish

THE FINAL WISH (2018/2019)
“Aaron is struggling lawyer who returns home following the passing of his father to help his devastated mother and confront his past demons. Sifting through his father’s belongings, Aaron stumbles upon an Urn which is far more than it seems. As his desires and wishes start coming true, Aaron thinks his prayers have been answered until he learn the sinister price that comes with THE FINAL WISH.”

A can of beer has pretty much the same effect. And when you’re wishes run out, BUY ANOTHER CAN OF BEER. This isn’t rocket science, people.

The Curse of La Llorona

THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (April 19, 2019)
“Ignoring the eerie warning of a troubled mother suspected of child endangerment, a social worker and her own small kids are soon drawn into a frightening supernatural realm. Their only hope to survive La Llorona’s deadly wrath may be a disillusioned priest and the mysticism he practices to keep evil at bay, on the fringes where fear and faith collide.”

There’s been about a dozen takes on the La Llorona Mexican folklore, which is about the ghost of a woman, who lost her children, cries while looking for them in the river, often causing bad luck/headaches for anyone who hears her spectral bellyaching. Note to ghost moms — the river is not a good babysitter.

TV Superheroes, Wooden Evil, Bad Babies

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Daily Planet

Cracking up over the “cover story” of the Daily Planet (where Superman as Clark Kent works for minimum wage) about superheroes uniting to protect the Earth. Whoever mocked this up is a flippin’ genius and probably drinks a lot of smart water.

Lois Lane and Clark Kent

The article is “written” by Lois Lane. So awesome. But it’s the photo of Superman (George Reeves), Batman (Adam West), Robin (Burt Ward) Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) and Aquaman (Lloyd Bridges) that’s even better because none of these heroes overlapped in the same time/universe. Conclusive proof: Adventures of Superman aired from 1952 — 1958. Batman aired from 1966 — 1968. Wonder Woman aired from 1975 — 1979. And Sea Hunt (here’s the genius part) aired from 1958 — 1961. Outside of a pilot episode that sunk faster than a heavy metal clam, there was no Aquaman TV series. There was, however, a cartoon series that ran from 1967 — 1970, so someone cast former United States Navy frogman Mike Nelson (Lloyd Bridges) as the scuba-doo underwater hero (Sea Hunt ran for 155 episodes). That he was depicted as Aquaman (in his original DC Comics suit) is full-on brilliant. P.S. Aquaman was punked by Man From Atlantis, which ran from 1977 — 1978, and featured a guy with “amphibious abilities.” That is so low tide.

Sea Hunt

While I go to Metropolis to get a copy of the Daily Planet and frame it, here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worthy of a Lois Lane cover story…

Blood Child

BLOOD CHILD (available now)
“After suffering a devastating miscarriage in Singapore, Ashley turns to a witch doctor to help her with the occult practice of raising a ‘ghost child’ and finding the spirit of her lost child. After returning to the States, Ashley and her husband Bill find themselves pregnant again. However, their happiness is short lived as the pregnancy acts as a catalyst for a series of terrifying events that start to occur within their home. The family soon learns that Ashley has brought back a lot more than just memories from Asia. The spirit of their lost child is not about to play second fiddle to the impending new arrival, and unleashes an unspeakable evil upon the household.”

YET ANOTHER evil kid birth movie. Start with Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and go from there. So what do you feed the little home wrecker — Gerber’s™ Demon Peas? (Their strained Hell bananas, though, are to die for. No pun intended.)

RootwoodROOTWOOD (2018)
“Students Jessica and William are hosting The Spooky Hour, a podcast about paranormal phenomena and urban legends, when they’re hired by the Hollywood film producer Laura Benott to produce a horror documentary about the Curse of the Wooden Devil. They smell a chance to become famous. Together with their friend Erin they enter Rootwood Forest and investigate the area to find out the truth about the Wooden Devil and his victims.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER Blair Witch Project (1999) knock-off/rip-off. What if they get there, only to find out the Wooden Devil is just handmade birdhouse? We can only hope satanic seagulls live in it.

The Wind

THE WIND (2018)
“A supernatural thriller set in the Western frontier of the late 1800s, where a plains-woman is driven mad by the harshness and isolation of the untamed land.”

She’s not looking at the plus side of living way out in the middle of nowhere. No traffic, noisy neighbors and plenty of flesh-eating buffalo to play fetch with and occasionally rub their fuzzy bellies (they really like that). Sounds like a slice of Heaven to me.

Isabelle

ISABELLE (2019)
“An all-American couple dream of starting a family is shattered after they move into the perfect New England neighborhood. Once settled, they soon after descend into the depths of terror as they struggle to survive a genuine threat from a dark presence that appears to want to end their very lives.”

Though this one was originally titled, The Wanting, it should’ve been called The Republicans. It also describes me in a dive bar, or “unkempt tavern.”

Historical Zombies, Future Mutants, Ultimate Bully Solution

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

Someone, I don’t know who, has released the key art for AMC’s The Walking Dead Season 9 premier for October 7. This is bittersweet as it’s widely reported that it’s the last season for lead TWD star Andrew Lincoln (aka, Rick Grimes). The zombies couldn’t take him down, so it looks like after all these flesh-chomping years, boredom has.

The Walking Dead

From the press release: “Show-runner Angela Kang recently spoke about the season’s time jump. ‘We’ll explore what happened as man made objects and structures break down. Infrastructure like roads and bridges are changing and crumbling. And we’ll also explore what happens as resources are getting low. There’s a fun Western vibe that has emerged. We are going into a period where a lot of the things that we’ve seen in previous seasons have broken down, so they’ve got these horses and carriages that are being drawn around instead of cars. Things are lit with oil lamps. People are using different kinds of weaponry. There’s a real grittiness to it that I think will be fun and fresh for the viewers.’”

The Walking Dead

Yeah, but what about the zombies? As a “day one” fan, I’ve seen how the walking dead have been relegated to being rotting frosting on a overstuffed cake with increasingly too many ingredients. And by ingredients, I mean too many characters and internal story lines. But I’ll still watch Season 9 to see how Rick, back to wearing his Sheriff hat that his now dead son Carl wore for several seasons, hangs it up.

The Walking Dead

While we all theorize with furrowed brow, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to hang your hat on…

Sleep No More

SLEEP NO MORE (October 2, 2018)
“Five graduate students are conducting a study to prove the theory that once you’ve passed 200 hours without sleep, you will never need sleep again. As the hours tick by and their struggle to stay awake intensifies, they each start to have strange and unsettling experiences. Visions from the past, violent impulses and terrifying waking nightmares begin to take hold and turn this experiment into a desperate fight for survival.”

I could see why someone would stay awake for almost nine days when there’s so much good stuff on TV to binge watch. Then again, it’s really hard to resist the siren call of the couch ‘n blankie. For me, practically impossible.

Rampant

RAMPANT (October/2018)
Yi Chung fights against ‘Night Demons’ to save the Joseon Nation. Yi Chung is the son of the king, and the greatest martial artist in the world. Although he is given to the Qing Empire as a political hostage, he returns home when his brother, the Crown Prince Yi Young, calls him back after many years. And it’s because of the nightmarish monsters plaguing the country that Yi Chung is tasked to destroy.”

This one is said to be a South Korean “historical action zombie” movie and is already getting gleeful comparisons to the hit South Korean zombie movie, Train To Busan (2016). It also means we’ll have to watch it with sub-titles. If I wanted to read, I’d buy a coloring book.

Mutant Blast

MUTANT BLAST (2018)
“A fearless soldier and TS-347 — a man with superhuman strength — are being pursued by a military cell responsible for scientific experiments that have resulted in a zombie apocalypse. On the way, they meet Pedro, a man with few ambitions and a great hangover. Together, they will try to escape to a safe place, but complications will cross their paths in the form of a nuclear bomb.”

“A man with few ambitions and a great hangover.” I should sue for copyright infringement.

The Shed

THE SHED (2018)
“When orphaned Stan finds a murderous creature of the night has taken refuge in his backyard tool shed — and killed his grandfather— he can’t go to the cops who’ll likely put him in foster care. Stan tries to battle the demon alone, while Dommer, Stan’s best friend, thinks it’s the solution to their bully problems, if only they can lure the bullies to the Shed. Sometimes monsters turn regular folks into heroes, and sometimes they just turn them into different monsters.”

Resourceful, but not the best way to clear your path of bullies. Start with a Super Soaker™ loaded with asparagus pee and watch ‘em fall like Republicans.

Badass Aliens, Spooky Town, Zombie Rabies

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Predator

Two new badass key art posters for the upcoming Predator (September 14, 2018) movie. There’s different titles on several of ‘em — one of the first posters says Pred4tor, and these say simply The Predator. I don’t care what they call it as I’ve been a Predator fan since the first movie (can’t remember what they called it) when it came out in 1987. I even tried to comb my hair to look like the dreadlocked Predator, even though everybody else at the time was trying to look like a member of Duran Duran.

The Predator

As I e-barfed about this movie back in May, 2018, the plot revolves around the alien Predator hunters genetically hybriding themselves with DNA from other species. Here on Earth we call that getting lucky at Ladies Night (“Lois Lanes”) at the bowling alley. (And hey — microwaved nachos are only $1.99 while supplies last!)

Aqua Velva

Before you pull out the plaid and Aqua Velva™ cologne and head to the bowling alley, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not go good with $1.99 microwaved nachos…

Castle Rock

CASTLE ROCK (July 25, 2018/Hulu™)
Castle Rock combines the mythological scale and intimate character storytelling of Stephen King’s best-loved works, weaving an epic saga of darkness and light, played out on a few square miles of Maine woodland.”

The extended trailer for this 10 episode TV series looks pretty dang creepy. Guess I’ll have to bribe my neighbor with some sort of adult beverage with optional ice cubes and/or silly straw to get his Hulu™ login password and binge watch it.

Hurt

HURT (July 26, 2018/Fantasia)
Rose moves into a house in the woods close to her sister after her boyfriend gets deployed and things don’t go right when Halloween night arrives.”

Yeesh, they really don’t try to sell it with that generic/lame press release. Wonder if Rose has to do battle with Halloween raccoons out trick-or-treating for pine cones? Who wouldn’t want to see a movie like that?

Patient Zero

PATIENT ZERO (August 14, 2018)
“An unprecedented global pandemic has resulted in the evolution of a new species. An aggressive form of rabies turns the infected into predators, addicted to violence. An inexplicably gifted human survivor with the ability to speak their new language spearheads a hunt for Patient Zero in order to find a cure to save his infected wife and humanity.”

The global pandemic that creates an aggressive form of rabies no doubt results in Republicans. That obvious truth stated, Patient Zero sounds like a cross between Pontypool (2008) and every other zombie movie from the last 10 years. You may now aggressively yawn.

My Worst Nightmare

MY WORST NIGHTMARE (Canada on T+E/Spring 2019)
My Worst Nightmare explores harrowing recurring nightmares and brings them to life in vivid detail.”

This is gonna be Canadian documentary TV series, which means you should stock up on Moosehead Lager (5% alcohol), Molson Canadian (5% alcohol), Labatt Blue (5% alcohol), Sleeman’s Honey Brown (5.3% alcohol), Big Rock Traditional Ale (5% alcohol), and — winner! — Unibroue La Fin Du Monde (9% alcohol). Heck, try ’em all and bring your own nightmares to life in vivid detail.