Archive for Republicans

Alien Ranchers, Ghost Tours, Orc Police

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Skinwalker Ranch

According to the New York Post, the “alien-infested” ranch (located in Rainbow Valley, about an hour or “60 minutes” west of Phoenix, AZ) is on the market for a mere $5,000,000.00. Chump change, in other words. Why would I dare say that? Who wouldn’t want aliens dropping by for a sittin’ down gabfest?

Skinwalker Ranch

Known officially as Stardust Ranch, this extraterrestrial pit stop is where land owner John Edmonds insists he’s engaged in “I know you are but what am I?” confrontation with hostile aliens, whom he dispatched with (wait for it)…a Samurai sword. Edmonds said that in the past 20 years, he has experienced many “strange events” involving aliens and claims to have killed more than a dozen extraterrestrials on his sprawling ranch. (He even has alien bloodstains on his front porch to prove it.)

Skinwalker Ranch

Sound familiar? It should — this is practically a direct lift from Sherman Ranch, aka Skinwalker Ranch, located a few rock throws from southeast Ballard, UT. The story was the basis for the Skinwalker Ranch movie, released in 2013. That one not only had not-so-neighborly aliens trespassing through land mines of cow/horse patties (yo, space dudes — you ever hear of wiping your feet?), but UFO sightings (duh — the aliens had to get there somehow), crop circles (see “cow/horse patties”), ghosts, glowing orbs and even a Bigfoot-esque creature. (In the movie it was a werewolf.)

Skinwalker Ranch

So ridiculously enticing is this place, it was purchased (or “bought”) by the National Institute for Discovery Science to “study anecdotal sightings.” I should like to apply for a job with the National Institute for Discovery Science.

While they process my 400-page résumé, here are a few just-released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave animal business tracks on your carpet or “floor”…

The UFO Conclusion

THE UFO CONCLUSION (available now/VOD)
“What is the alien agenda? And why has the government gone to such great lengths to stifle the overwhelming evidence that otherworldly creatures exist? Some of our greatest minds unveil the truth behind this massive cover-up.”

Don’t need a massive mind to know the existence of aliens has been covered up by REPUBLICANS for decades. Still, nice to see somebody besides a drunk redneck talk in complete sentences about extraterrestrials.

Ravenswood

RAVENSWOOD (available now/VOD)
“When four American tourists go on a ghost tour, they get much more than they bargained when the spirits of an evil doctor and his last victim trap them in an old abandoned psychiatric ward.”

Um, when you go on a hot dog farm tour, you pretty much expect to see hot dog trees, yes? So it stands to reason a ghost tour is gonna have some transparent entities. They better — I’d hate to pay all that money and not see one. (I’m looking in your direction, Hot Dog Farm Tours.)

Incident In A Ghost Land

INCIDENT IN A GHOST LAND (October 28, 2017)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. Sixteen years later the daughters reunite at the house — and that is when things get strange.”

So they give away mom was killed, simply by telling us the intruders were “murderous.” Thanks, jerks. Wonder if mom’s ghost comes back to see her daughters when they go back to the murder house?

Bright

BRIGHT (December, 2017/Netflix)
“In an alternate present day, humans, orcs, elves and fairies have been coexisting since the beginning of time. Two police officers, one a human, the other an orc, embark on a routine night patrol that will alter the future of their world as they know it. Battling both their own personal differences as well as an onslaught of enemies, they must work together to protect a young female elf and a thought-to-be-forgotten relic, which, in the wrong hands, could destroy everything.”

They had me at the forgotten relic that could destroy everything. Word around the grocery aisles is that the budget for this Netflix™-made movie is $90 million fun bucks. Pffft — I could make TWO movies for that price and STILL have enough left over to take a tour of that Hot Dog Farm.

Farming Ghosts, Artificial Blood, Kaiju Floorwear

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla Rug

This 5’x4’ Godzilla rug is one of those things everybody in the world needs to have. Unless, of course, you have hardwood floors and just say no to rugs.

Love the idea of a Godzilla rug. G’s been wiping his monstrous feet on humanity since 1954. Nothing like a little payback.

Godzilla Rug

Before you rush off to buy this thing [click HERE eventually], here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to cushion your soul/sole…

Watch Over Us

WATCH OVER US (September 12, 2017)
“A father and his young daughters move onto their grandfather’s secluded farm following the breakup of their parents. But once there, they are soon plagued by paranormal events that reveal a deadly secret that has haunted the family for generations, and an evil force that demands they uphold a deadly promise made by their ancestors.”

There are lots of movies about paranormal evil things in old farms/barns/pig pens. Which makes one ponder — is the farmer’s market cauliflower we’ve been eating borne of ancient evil? Cauliflower sure tastes like it.

Broken Darkness

BROKEN DARKNESS (2017/2018)
“Eight years after the world ends from a massive meteor shower, humanity has sought refuge underground. A broken man who has lost all hope after the death of his son, is forced to survive within the underground. Hunted down by mutated creatures, bandits and cannibals alike, they risk everything to venture back to the surface to find their lost home.”

Mutated creatures, bandits and cannibals. Why didn’t they just say Republicans? Still, these adversaries aren’t anything more than what you’d encounter at The Tug Tavern on Taco Tuesday.

Fake Blood

FAKE BLOOD (2017/2018)
“Rob Grant and Mike Kovac receive a disturbing fan video inspired by their previous horror movie Mon Ami, motivating them to investigate the responsibility of filmmakers in portraying violence in movies. In their pursuit of the truth they are unwittingly introduced to the real world of violent criminals and their victims.”

Violence in movies is so commonplace, I refuse to watch flicks that don’t have some form of savage behavior in it. Think of it as steak sauce on fried spam. Strap on the feedbag!

House of Dad

HOUSE OF DAD (2017/2018)
“While Pip’s only objective is to get to school, his father stands in his way, spouting several ambiguous ‘life lessons’ that serve more as obstacles than experiential aids. Pip’s father has tested Pip with his antics before; however, when Pip is assigned his most outrageous task yet, he reaches a boiling point.”

Boiling point is 212°F or 100°C. Figured this might make you wanna see the movie more than the press release.

Pet Monsters, Human Monsters, Religious Monsters

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Okja

The neighborhood had one of those community garage sales the other day. it’s always fun to rummage through other people’s crap. Hit pay dirt, though, when I found a box of ‘80s horror movies on VHS tape for .25 cents each.

I was so happy until I got home and realized I don’t have a VHS player. Sigh. Might as well go listen to that box of 8-tracks I also scored for about the same price and… Oh, crud; I don’t have an 8-track player, either. There’s $2.00 I’ll never see again.

On that Einstein note, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi that may or may not be worth .25 cents to watch…

OKJA (June 28, 2917/Netflix)
“For 10 idyllic years, young Mija has been caretaker and constant companion to Okja – a massive animal and an even bigger friend – at her home in the mountains of South Korea. But that changes when the family-owned multinational conglomerate Mirando Corporation takes Okja for themselves and transports her to New York, where image obsessed and self-promoting CEO Lucy Mirando has big plans for Mija’s dearest friend.”

Sounds like a re-imagineering of King Kong/Mighty Joe Young. And looking at the giant creature’s silhouette (is that a French word? Sure the heck seems like it is), it probably eats about 100 pounds of food per meal. At first glance I thought it was a hippo. But when was the last time you saw a hippo on a leash? That’s like putting a turtleneck sweater on a  giraffe.

The Monster Project

THE MONSTER PROJECT (2017)
“A recovering drug addict takes a job with a documentary crew who plans to interview three subjects who claim to be real life monsters.”

Sounds cool. Although what kind of monsters are they? Day vampires? Half moon werewolves? Republicans? Noisy neighbors who won’t quit making noise no matter how much I pound on the ceiling?

A Closer Walk With Thee

A CLOSER WALK WITH THEE (2017)
“Four young evangelical missionaries set up a house church in inner-city Los Angeles to try and save the neighborhood from a Satanist gang. Jordan is a good Christian kid, except that he’s starting to have impure sexual thoughts about his close friend and fellow missionary Eli. When he’s caught watching Eli shower, he is outed to the group and painfully ostracized – until Eli, who happens to be a fledgling exorcist, suggests that a demonic possession might be causing these Jordan’s feelings. Jordan begins to enact signs of possession, prompting Eli to take action. What begins as a ritualistic method of trying to save their friendship quickly spirals out of control and descends into darkness and violence.”

Only a religious nutbag would think homosexuality is a sign of demonic possession. The irony here is that the “fledgling exorcist” is probably gay himself. Gay people don’t need to be exorcised, but religious freaks do.

Summer of '84

SUMMER OF ‘84 (2017/2018)
“Growing up on a quiet cul-de-sac in Ipswich, Massachusetts, Davey’s desperate to believe there’s more to life than what he sees from his bedroom window. But Davey thirsts for more. As their investigation heats up, Davey and his best buds soon discover Mr. Mackey is onto them and their suspicions quickly become all too real.”

The pre-production artwork reveals that there’s a serial killer living in the neighborhood. I bet he doesn’t mow his lawn, but rather hacks it. Heh. For a superior and hard-to-watch serial killer in the neighborhood movie, watch The Lovely Bones (2009). You’ll probably need counseling afterward. Or a hug.

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Savageland

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

Here Alone

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

Castlevania

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

Crepitus

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

Eat Locals

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.

Sunken Subs, Spaceships and Candy!

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Tribe

Is it just my imagination, or is the current state of politics/politicians not the greatest horror story going? Here’s some upcoming horror movies to make you feel good about politics…

THE TRIBE (February 10, 2017)
“Three young sisters live out their days after a pandemic has consumed most of the known world. One day a stranger suddenly shows up and their world changes in ways they never could have imagined.”

So a global pandemic isn’t something that changes your life forever, and yet a horny stranger with suspect hygiene does? Maybe he has candy. If that’s the case, I totally heart you, candy-bringing stranger!

The Chamber

THE CHAMBER (March 10, 2017)
“Set beneath the Yellow Sea, a pilot of a small submersible craft and a three-man Special Ops team become trapped underwater in a fight for survival. As the pilot and leader of the crew who must fight for their lives and against each other as the water rises and air supply runs out.”

Reminds me of the old joke — air is like sex; it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any. Guys, there’s plenty of air on top of the water. Just tape a bunch of milkshake straws together to access it. Special Ops always carry milkshake straws in case of emergencies, right? Problem solved.

Spaceship Terror

SPACESHIP TERROR (2017)
“Marooned on a deserted planet, and picked up by a old derelict spaceship, six unwitting travelers find themselves enslaved in a torture-filled blood lust that will take you on a white-knuckle ride into Hell.”

You don’t have to go to space to enjoy a white-knuckle ride into Hell. Ever been in a New York taxi?

Stirring

STIRRING (2018)
“Fans will recognize winks to Black Christmas, Silent Night, Deadly Night and To All A Goodnight, but will also appreciate its own unique style and take on the Christmas themed slasher.”

Dubious of the claim Stirring — that doesn’t get released until next year (?) — has it’s own unique style, especially after aligning itself to all those other Christmas horror movies, which are all the same thing. Christmas slashers are so ‘80s. Best leave the holiday slaughter to Krampus and/or Republicans.

Not My Earth

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Not of This Earth

Even though he’s not from this Earth (or any other Earths for that matter, “Mr. Johnson” is a creepy old man with dark glasses who needs constant blood transfusions. Kinda like looking into a mirror. If he doesn’t get said body beverage, his juice will turn into dust and he’ll become not unlike powered Kool-Aid™.

Not of This Earth

So what the flippin’ flap? Why can’t Mr. Johnson get his own dang blood from his own dang planet? For starters, his home world of Davanna (that sounds so made up) has been flash mobbed by nuclear war. Looks like Republicans exist on other worlds as well. Old Man Johnson is here to test our blood to see if it’ll help keep his fellow Johnsons from going double extinct.

Not of This Earth

Johnson uses telekinesis and eyeless eyeballs to command people to do his bidding, like his doctor, for instance. He even manages to talk Nadine, the doc’s sassy/hot nurse, into moving in to his multi-roomed house to give him nightly blood transfusions. He has a young male assistant/driver to round up park bums with the promise of alcohol for experimental purposes and different “phases” of his program. Free booze or not, you don’t want to be one of his experiments — they end up in the basement furnace. Party foul — that’s where recyclables go.

Not of This Earth

With human firewood missing all over town, the cops are closing in. Johnson unleashes a flying umbrella brain sucking creature that lands on your head and sucks out your brains. That’s kinda cool, but does it hold up in the rain?

Not of This Earth

Seconds before Johnson can remote-control Nadine into an experiment, the cops close in and turn on the sirens to make the car chase scene more official. Before they can shoot him in the umbrella, it’s the blaring alarm that causes Johnson to crash AND burn. (It was earlier revealed he’s highly sensitive to loud sounds. Guess that’s why aliens aren’t into metal. Pity.)

Not of This Earth

Final note: Not of This Earth (1957) is in black and white, so all those bottles of “blood” in Johnson’s fridge might very well be powdered Kool-Aid™.

Demonic Possession, Cults and Candy

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Snare

Five more impending horror movies to distract you from life’s real horrors, i.e. Republicans

THE SNARE (January 6, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“Three friends head to the seafront for a drunken weekend, only to be imprisoned on the top floor of their holiday apartment by a malevolent paranormal force.”

They had me at “drunken weekend.” And it looks like “malevolent paranormal force” is living up to its name; if everyone’s in lock-down there’s no way to go on a beer run. Paranormal forces can be so malevolent.

We Are The Flesh

WE ARE THE FLESH (Limited theatrical/January 13, 2017)
“After the end of the world, a young brother and sister roam an apocalyptic city looking for food and shelter. They take refuge in the dilapidated lair of a strange hermit who makes them a dangerous offer to survive. He puts them to work building a bizarre cavernous structure, where he acts out his insane and depraved fantasies. Trapped in a maddening womb-like world under his malign influence, they find themselves sinking into the realms of dark and forbidden behavior.”

Is this made-in-Mexico art house horror movie (aka, Tenemos la carne (translation: We Have The Meat) about zombies? Cannibals? Republicans? WATF is said to be loaded with explicit gore and horizontal boppin’. Variety.com has this to say about it: “Sex scenes are shot with frank delight…” Thinkin’ I’ll change my name to Frank Delight.

Killer Pinata

KILLER PINATA (January 17, 2017)
“A possessed piñata, seeking to avenge the savagery that humanity has inflicted on his kind, picks off a group of friends, one by one, in an unending night of terror.”

Not sure how they’re gonna make a piñata a figurehead of evil. How anything loaded with candy and small, easily swallowable novelty toys be bad is beyond me.

Dead West

DEAD WEST (February 7, 2017)
“A charismatic outlaw sets out on a murderous cross-country trip searching for true love. Each time he thinks he has found ‘the one,’ he ends up disappointed — and she ends up dead. Managing to elude capture by traveling from one town to the next, his luck runs out when Tony, the brother of one of his victims, tracks him down. Suddenly the hunter becomes the hunted as Tony seeks vengeance by enforcing his own brand of vigilante justice.”

Yeesh, what a picky guy. For the record, there are tons of eligible ladies at the bowling alley — and they’re all wearing nice shoes.

Jackals

JACKALS (2017)
“Set in the 1980s, an estranged family hires a cult deprogrammer to take back their teenage son from a murderous cult, but find themselves under siege when the cultists surround their cabin, demanding the boy back.”

He’s a teenager. Give him to the cultists. Your lives will be the better for it.