Archive for penguins

Shivering Snakes

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boa

In the generically-labeled Boa (aka, New Alcatraz/2001), a prehistoric giant snake in the Antarctic, after having slept in ice colder than a nuclear beer cooler for a billion million years, is rousted from its frigid slumber by the “come and get it” dinner bell noises of a bunch of people running an arctic penitentiary.

Boa

The concept of a prison in the South Pole is believable enough; with no mittens to be had, what’s the point in trying to escape? And that a 100-foot reptile comes to life after being defrosted is also easy to swallow when you consider it’s easier to fake a snake than giant, human-pecking penguins (which would’ve made a lot more sense and been way more cooler).

Boa

A bunch of super criminals have just arrived and aren’t too happy about having igloo-detention for life. After the snake gets loose and goes on a snack attack that wipes out 99% of the cast, it’s up to the bad guys — who are experts at breaking in and out of things — to figure out an escape plan. I’m all for enlarged reptiles and/or insects wreaking havoc on the world (hey, if I had a proboscis, I’d be doing it), but this one should never have been taken out of the freezer.

The Eeval Ded

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bach ke Zaraa

Evil just doesn’t exist in the United States – it’s everywhere, man. Why, you can’t even go to the North Pole and not encounter pure evil. (They have satanic penguins up there that’ll kill you and drink your blood. The produce guy at the grocery store told me that. I believe him. Why the heck would he lie?)

Bach ke Zaraa

So it comes as zippo surprise to find our brand of evil is being copied by other countries in need of an evil upgrade. Take for instance Bhayanak Mahal B (1988) and Bach ke Zaraa (2008, two horror movies made in the Republic of India. Both copy The Evil Dead (1981) to embarrassing extremes.

Back ke Zaraa

Bach ke Zara – unofficially referred to as Bollywood Evil Dead. In this one you have a note-for-note rendition, except they throw in skimpily attired ladies, body smooching, and a choreographed dance number featuring a mud smeared (I hope it was mud) chick and muscle-y men. (Note to India – why on Earth do you always have to put in a choreographed dance sequence in every flippin’ horror movie? What is wrong with you?)

Bhayaanak Mahal

The pronunciation-challenging Bhayanak Mahal B (you gotta say it with your throat packed with half-swallowed dry cereal), translates to Awesome Castle B. I never saw Awesome Castle A.

Bhayaanak Mahal

This one also templates The Evil Dead schtick with melty-faced demons (or it could be a vampire), suitable gore (could’ve used some more curry in the fury) and a chick in a red string bikini. (Apparently, stylish swimwear is how you combat evil in India.)

Curious to see these logic-defying foreign horror gems? They’re on YouTube™. Some versions are in bowling alley English and even sub-titled (some with their own language). But hey – free! Now there’s something worth choreographed dancing to.

Khooni Panja

P.S. If you wanna see a really goofy but still f’d up Bollywood horror movie, try Khooni Panja (1991). It’s about a an extra-marital affair gone sour, volleyball, severed limbs and demonic possession. Too bad they didn’t add, I don’t know, some sort of dance sequence. That would’ve made this thing rock.

Bigfoot? What a Load of Hogwash!

Posted in Bigfoot, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Bigfoot

The Legend of Bigfoot (1976) is less a Bigfoot faux documentary and more of a nature film as animatedly narrated by renowned animal tracker Ivan Marx, who was hired to track down my BFF (Big Footed Friend) and kill him within an inch of his life.

There are so many unintentionally hilarious comments made by Ivan, who tracks the migratory (!)  Bigfoot from Montana all the way to the Arctic Circle, this could qualify as a comedy. When Ivan finally catches up to Bigfoot, the “monster” is shown run limping, due to polio, as he surmises. Flippin’ knee slapping, that one. And his ongoing commentary is full of bellyaching about money and how before he sees the monster with his own eyeballs, regards Bigfoot as a “bunch of hogwash.” How dare he?

The Legend of Bigfoot

But the pay-off is when Ivan deduces Bigfoot and friends (Bigfeet Dynasty) migrate north every year to the Arctic Circle, and now knowing this, can stay one big footed step ahead and theoretically catch one.

Simple math will tell you Ivan has been smoking too many pine cones; for a Bigfoot – whether with travel companions or not – to walk to the top of the world, where I’m sure there are plentiful chilled penguins to eat – because, god forbid, one gets tired of eating healthy and delicious eating range-free nuts and berries, deer bacon and bear blubber in the warm sunshine of Montana – there’s 1,381 miles of blurry photo ops in-between.

The Legend of Bigfoot

Here’s the equation: walking normally at 1.4 m.p.h. non-stop for eight hours a day, it’d take you the better part if a year just to get there, slightly less if you wear a size 23 shoe. Once at the A.C., snack on a few penguins, get in a little skiing, talk smack to some uppity polar bears, wipe your ice hole, then take almost another year to get back to town. Annual trek? Not so much.

The Legend of Bigfoot

So yeah, Ivan – you need to tweak your theory. Other than that, The Legend of Bigfoot, with the intrepid hunter zooming around in a red Volkswagon (not making that up), is merely a nature film with bone-headed narration and some blurry footage of Bigfoot, who only shows up three times. Maybe he was at home planning his next winter vacation.

The Legend of Bigfoot

P.S. Do not embarass yourself by confusing The Legend of Bigfoot with Sasquatch, the Legend of Bigfoot (1975), which came out the year before. To do so would make people not unlike myself publicly shun you.