Archive for soul

Lake Monsters, Killer Snowmen, Hometown Exorcisms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lake Norman Monsters

Lots of reports of fresh sightings of the Lake Norman Monster (his name is “Normie”). Located in North Carolina, Normie’s been gooning out tourists by flashing his hump lately in public. While sightings go back 50 years, some think the creature is  a giant catfish, others an actual leftover from the prehistoric era. I’m theorizing it’s a Loch Ness monster shaped log someone threw in the lake. (Okay, it was me. Are you happy?)

Lake Norman is just under 20 miles from Uptown Charlotte. I know her; she’s kind of a floozy. If you go on LakeNormanMonster.com, there isn’t much in the way of compelling photographic evidence (mostly testimonies from drunk fishermen), but a virtual roadside stand of Normie books, posters, art, T-shirts and coffee mugs. I’ll give this to North Carolina — they know how to market a the snot out of this “creature” whose “sightings” are the stuff of tourist dollar dreams.

So is there an actual lake monster living in a North American lake that people swim, fish and pee in? With no physical evidence whatsoever, all signs still point to yes. And speaking of things you might want to keep an eye out for, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/TV series that are more or less proven to exist…

Temple

TEMPLE (September 1, 2017)
“Three Americans on a trip to Japan are fascinated by a haunted temple, and, despite warnings from the villagers, decide to spend a night there.”

That’s Americans for you, never listening to anybody else other than the voices that come from the bottle you have a death grip on. Heck, show me a haunted temple/house/condo/dive bar and get out of my way. But know this — I won’t go all the way to Japan to party in a ghost-filled temple. Too expensive and I’d probably end up sitting next to a spirit of a coach class traveler the whole way there and back. The flick sounds fun, though it’ll probably look a LOT like one of my home movies.

The Exorcist Season 2

THE EXORCIST SEASON 2 (Friday, September 29, 2017)
“Across the Atlantic, Father Bennett attempts to weed out those within the Vatican who have turned against God. Ultimately, Tomas and Marcus are led to Andrew Kim, a former child psychologist who runs a group home for five at-risk foster children on a secluded private island off the coast of Seattle. When one of the children under Andrew’s care is targeted by a powerful force, the two priests head west, setting themselves on a collision course with Hell.”

Two things: Watched season one and was blindsided with the story’s sweet twist. Secondly, season two takes place on a private island off the coast of Seattle? Well, double sweet, as the Emerald City is where I dwell. However, I do take issue with the “private island off the coast of Seattle” part; there is no such thing. There is, though, Vashon, Bainbridge and Whidbey islands, all of which are wide open to the stinky public and are only short ferry/paddle boat rides to go stink up the place. There’s a bunch of small islands (San Juans, Camano) within seagull reach. Maybe it’s one of those damned places. Heh.

The Snowman

THE SNOWMAN (October 20, 2017)
“When an elite crime squad’s lead detective investigates the disappearance of a victim on the first snow of winter, he fears an elusive serial killer may be active again. With the help of a brilliant recruit, the cop must connect decades-old cold cases to the brutal new one if he hopes to outwit this unthinkable evil before the next snowfall.”

Total stock serial killer plot, but with one exception — Michael Fassbender is the lead detective. He was Magneto in a couple X-Men movies and the android David/Walter in Alien: Covenant (2017). Also — and this is no joke — his character’s name in this one is Harry Hole. (I can’t even type that without LOL-ing.) But it’s true. You can’t make up stuff like this. Okay, I could. But no one else.

Charismata

CHARISMATA (2017/2018)
“As a rookie detective struggling to find acceptance in a police department defined by a culture of bullying and intolerance, things go from bad to worse when the chief suspect in a series of brutal ritualistic murders takes a personal interest in her. A game of cat and mouse ensues which sees Rebecca’s grasp on reality beginning to spiral out of control, leading to a terrifying climax where she needs to fight for her sanity, her life and maybe even her soul.”

Maybe her soul? C’mon — make that part happen. No one cares about anybody’s sanity anymore as we’re all pretty much insane (except me). But when you throw a soul into the spiked punch bowl, then it’s time to grab a cup and start bailin’ like the darn thing sprung a leak. I do like the movie’s title — sounds like a freshly showered/powdered stripper or an ‘80s superheroine whose costume is nothing but stain-resistant spandex.

Spooky Books, Female Werewolves, Scary Bathrooms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Residue

Spent the weekend in Portland, Oregon and stayed at my favorite hotel (The Benson) downtown. It’s 187 steps away from Mary’s Club, Portland’s oldest nakedteria. And it’s in the men’s bathroom I found real horror — it hasn’t been cleaned since the club went topless in 1955 (it was a piano bar in the ’30s). If/when you go there, where a wet-suit and scuba tanks. If that’s too stylish, you can get a hazmat suit on Amazon.com™ pretty cheap.

Speaking of cheap, here’s some new low-budget horror movies headed 187 steps in your direction.

RESIDUE (July 18, 2017/VOD)
“Private investigator Luke Harding reads a book of sinister origins owned by seedy crime lord Mr. Fairweather. Unbeknown to Luke, the book is a much sought-after supernatural artifact and Fairweather’s greatest rival, the enigmatic Mr. Lamon, pursues Luke with his henchmen. While the criminal underworld is desperate to retrieve the book and harness its power for their own dark agendas, it’s evil begins to take root in Luke’s apartment; putting himself, his daughter and his secret love in a fight for their lives…and their eternal souls.”

Why doesn’t Luke just sell the supernatural book on Craigslist™? (eBay™ sucks.) That way I could buy it and put my own dark agendas to work, which includes but is not limited to an endless bar tab, waffle dinners at least five nights a week and even louder heavy metal.

Lycan

LYCAN (August 4, 2017/limited)
“When six college kids in a sleepy Southern town are assigned a group project to rediscover a moment in history, one of them sets in motion a horrific fate when he proposes they head into the Georgia backwoods to tackle the legend of Emily Burt, the Talbot County werewolf.”

A female werewolf. Not a new concept, going all the way back to 1913 with The Werewolf. The chick wolf in that one was Phyllis Gordon. Man, even her name sounds like it has hair on it.

Darkness Rising

DARKNESS RISING (2017)
“When Madison Shaw finds out that her childhood home is about to be torn down, she knows that she has to see it one last time. But this isn’t a nostalgic trip through childhood memories. When she was a little girl, her mother killed her baby sister, and Madison narrowly escaped with her life. Now she has one last chance to confront the demons that have haunted her ever since.”

Stock title, stock plot. I tend to ignore movies with the words “dark” or “darkness” in its title as that’s usually a sign of a paint-by-numbers thriller. But hey, I’ll have nothing better to do whilst my hair dries, so I’ll probably watch it.

The Bride

THE BRIDE (January 19, 2017/Russia – 2017/2018 U.S.)
“Nastya is a young woman who travels with her soon-to-be husband to his family home. Upon their arrival, she can’t help but think that the visit may have been a horrible mistake. She is surrounded by strange people and starts witnessing strange, terrible visions as his family prepares her for a mysterious traditional Slavic wedding ceremony. More than the wedding preparations, can she survive the next few days?”

As long as she can make it through the honeymoon, then we’re all good here. Hope this Russian horror movie has sub-titles; I don’t care much for “reading” movies, but there’s usually some really funny phrases in translations. (“Get away from me demon — you are horrifying me…”)

Post-Puberty Demonic Blues

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

The haunting part of The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2009), a made-for-teen chicks “horror” movie, is in reference to something her parents did while Molly was being born. Given how bland this movie is, a ghost — even a digital one — would’ve been preferable.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

After mom is rightfully placed in an insane asylum for stabbing her daughter in the chest with a pair of scissors (told, not shown), Molly begins hearing voices in her head. She and dad move to a new town, and Molly attends one of those “everybody dress the same” high schools full of over-privileged snotty classmates who listen to hip hop and dance like dorks.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

Molly is caught between trying to fit in and being “haunted” by the voices. The school counselor tries helping, but no one believes Molly’s mom has escaped and is coming back to “save her” before she turns 18, which is, like, tomorrow.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

Confused and distraught, Molly seeks the spiritual guidance of her religious classmate after hearing her escaped mom tell her why she needs to be stabbed in the chest again. Seems Molly was being born prematurely in a bus station bathroom. She was supposed to die, but a mysterious (i.e., evil) woman appeared out of nowhere and offered to save Molly’s life.

The Exorcism of Molly Hartley

With screaming and blood and a stillborn on the way, Molly’s parents agreed and the mysterious (i.e., evil) woman made everything good as new. The price for such a bargain is that Molly’s soul belongs to Satan upon her 18th birthday. Talk about sticker shock.

So what happened to Molly? She had one HELL of a birthday.

The Exorcism of Molly Hartley

P.S. Not sure why, but they made a sequel called The Exorcism of Molly Hartley (2015). That one feature more Molly and less clothes.

P.P.S. So exactly why did I watch a teen horror movie? I just finished Rob Zombie’s 31 (2016) and felt a need to cleanse the palate.

Ninjas, Zombies and Sleeping Bags

Posted in Evil, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on September 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ninjas vs. Zombies

In the title-better-than-the-movie Ninjas vs. Zombies (2008), some guy’s brother dies and is somehow resurrected with evil powers and uses his abilities to eat souls and bring dead people back to life to do something that involves breaking the law.

Ninjas vs. Zombies

The only ones who have a chance at stopping him are his brother and two buddies, who are magically turned into white boy ninjas. (You have to do this when the movie’s budget is about the price you’d pay for a used sleeping bag.)

Ninjas vs. Zombies

The story jumps around like the ninjas and the zombies are just friends with red and black gunk on their faces. There was one naked girl in the movie for two seconds. That part I thoroughly enjoyed.

Furnace Face

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider is a leather jacket wearing skeleton with a flaming head who drives a demon-fueled motorcycle up the sides of buildings. He also has a flaming whip with which to snap your crime ass.

Ghost Rider

Before he was a flaming skeleton vigilante, Ghost Rider was Johnny Blaze, a daredevil motorcycle stunt performer. Sheer coincidence about the whole flame/blaze connection.

Ghost Rider

So how did he get to be such a hot head? The old west town of San Venganza is populated by 1,000 corrupt souls. Mephistopheles sends a Ghost Rider to round ‘em up. GR doesn’t want to do it and runs away. Time to hire a new Ghost Rider. Blaze is offered a deal: his father’s cancer will be cured if he’d sign over his soul. But as in all deal’s with evil, you ultimately get f’d in the b-hole. Hence, the flaming lips.

Ghost Rider

Blaze takes the job in order to get his soul back. (The deal for his father went up in smoke.) But what a dumbass – you can drive up walls, man! That said, Ghost Rider (2007) is loaded with comic book thrills and PG-language. Needed more flames, though.

Hey, You Hellhounds – Get Off My Lawn

Posted in Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellhounds

Kleitos loves Demetria, so he marries her. This makes Theron so jealous mad, he poisons her wedding wine and she dies. Everyone could’ve called it a day right there, but Kleitos learns from a local witch with an overbite that Demetria’s soul is hung up in Purgatory, awaiting to be wed by Hades himself. Well, dang.

Hellhounds

Kleitos, doing the man-up thing, leads his finest warriors (including that butt-sausage Theron) to the volcano that acts as the doorway to Hell. (There’s no address, but the name on the mailbox tells ’em they’re in the right place.) Sipping some witch elixir, they’re able to pass through the flames, which would normally turn marshmallows into black goo.

Once inside they have to circumnavigate the endless maze in search of Demetria. (Note: They brought her body along and left it outside in the hopes that when her soul gets close to it, it’ll jump back inside. Better hurry — they don’t call it lividity for nothing.)

Hellhounds

Inside the maze are a couple of devil dogs, or “hellhounds.” They look like regular hounds, only these pups feast on human flesh. Avoiding stepping in anything (if you catch my drift) the sword boys manage to find Demetria, but lose a couple of expendable warriors to snapping dog jaws (off screen) who had no lines. Wouldn’t be right to have the lead guy or girl scarfed up just yet.

Hellhounds

Knowing he’s about to be outed, Theron ambushes Kleitos and leaves him to the dogs. Then he goes outside and says stuff like, “He fought valiantly.” Imagine the look on Theron’s face when Kleitos escapes and stumbles out of the cave. Well, dang. Theron cops to the crime and does battle with Kleitos, only to die after eating a sword sandwich.

Hellhounds

Theron wakes up in (wait for it) Hell, only to find Hades is pulling his large intestines out with a crankshaft. A deal is made: Theron will be allowed to walk among the living and must return Hades’ bashful bride if he wants his internal organs left un-yanked. And he gets to take the dogs with him.

Hellhounds

The trail is easy to follow, as Demetria’s soul keeps wanting to float out of her weakened body and head for a shopping mall. The witch says she must drink the blood of Hades mixed with some sort of magic invisible spring water in order to put the cork back on her soul. Fine, but how the heck is one supposed to find a magic invisible spring? By feeling the ground for a wet spot?

Hellhounds

They gotta snap to it as the hounds of Hell are right on their heels. Since Hellhounds (2009) is first and foremost a love story (with a few internal organs tossed in for flavor) you know how it’s gonna end.

Most everyone gets eaten alive (off screen) by the dogs, and Theron goes back to the screamy place to face his punishment. And Kleitos goes back to power smooching Demetria. And Hades goes back to doing what he does best, which is pulling torso taffy. And yet despite that, it all pretty much stinks.

Hell Is Full Of Green Gunk

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Drag Me To Hell

In order to advance her stimulating career as a bank loan officer, Christine Brown denies an old gypsy woman an extension on a mortgage, thereby invoking a curse, that when applied properly, will drag your soul to Hell. In other words, account closed.

Drag Me To Hell

The gypsy, who dies and comes back to enable said curse by way of a button (don’t ask), looks like one of the moms of The Evil Dead (1981). The rules are clear, though – give the cursed coat button to someone else, then their soul will burn in Hell for, like, a million years. The plan is to give the button back to the dead gypsy woman. I know what you’re thinking, but according to gypsy law, the soul never dies, hence…

Drag Me To Hell

If you can’t predict the ending at this point, go to Hell. The gypsy woman, who spends a lot of time throwing up stuff (maggots, green gunk, undigested breath mints) in Christine’s mouth, is nicely yucky. But the story and effects are as lackluster as my skills with curses.

Drag Me To Hell

Try and see if you can get through Drag Me To Hell’s (2009) seance scene without laughing or throwing up green gunk. Can’t be done.