Gas Station Horror, Amoral Aliens, Slasher Sex

The problem is you’ve watched all the new horror movie crap and are left holding the colostomy bag. But what if you could access horror’s dark underbelly? Specifically, obscure horror titles released on VHS (super-sized cassettes) that you’d only find on off-brand gas station video shelves? The Terror Vision Video Club is now here to complete you with deliciously lurid Z-grade horror that were once thought lost to the sands of time/discount bins.

A subscription model, TTVVC is brightening our TV screens with such bottom of the bowl jewels as WNUF Halloween Special, Norway, Killing Spree, Love & Saucers, Video Violence 1&2, and Blood, Guts, Sunshine and Santa Claws. But such treasures don’t come cheap. You’ll have to cough up $225 though, to be granted keys to the kingdom. And heck, you can join at any time (click here) and receive the next 10 Terror Vision home video titles as they are released.

But wait, there’s more: You’ll pay a discounted amount instead of the regular retail price for the Blu-rays/UHDs. You’ll be guaranteed a slipcover of each release. You’ll receive a Terror Vision Video Club t-shirt. You will get a login to the Terror Vision Club wholesale page where you can buy other TV products for cheap, such as merch, cassettes, vinyl records, and other goodies. And with the wholesale page login perk, you will NOT pay for shipping domestically. It doesn’t get sweeter than this.

So while we’re waiting for TTVVC to anoint our unworthy eyeballs with Attack of the Killer Refrigerator and Happy Hell Night, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a gas station discount bin…

FLAMING EARS / November 18, 2022 (Theaters/VOD)

Flaming Ears is a pop sci-fi lesbian extravaganza set in the year 2700 in the fictional burned-out city of Asche that follows the tangled lives of three women. Spy is a comic book artist whose printing presses are burned down by Volley, a sexed-up pyromaniac. Seeking revenge, Spy goes to the lesbian club where Volley performs every night. Before she can enter, Spy gets into a fight and is left wounded in the streets. She is found by Nun, an amoral alien in a red plastic suit with a predilection for reptiles, who also happens to be Volley’s lover.” 

Almost sounds like a set up for an epic joke: “A comic book artist, a sexed-up pyromaniac and an amoral alien walk into a lesbian club…” You can take it from here. (Keep it nice.)

CANDY LAND / January 6, 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A naive and devout young woman finds herself cast from a religious cult. With no place to turn, she immerses herself in the underground world of truck stop sex workers, aka, “lot lizards.”

Despite the unashamed baring of boobies, this one is described as being more of a traditional horror slasher movie than something you’d pay hard-earned quarters to watch on coin-operated viewing machines in pornography establishments.

THE MEG 2: THE TRENCH Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

No official plot yet, but here’s a swing at it: A Megalodon (xxxxlg shark), ascending from the sewer depths of the Mariana Trench, goes topside and makes Happy Meals™ out of human floaties. That sounds about right. 

AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM / December 25, 2023 (Theaters)

“Aquaman forges an uneasy alliance with an unlikely ally to save Atlantis and the rest of the planet.”

A teaser plot, though it’s possible there’s more to it than just saving Atlantis (who cares?) and the rest of the planet (no one cares). Suffice to say, after Aquaman (2018), there’s likely to be even more tuna, more Free Willys and (wait for it)…more murder clams! If that’s the case, I hereby pledge all my sand dollars to see it. 

Batty For Batwoman, Debt Demon, Classy Slashy

Coming this Fall, CW™ is finally giving us Batwoman (not Batgirl, as erroneously reported October, 2018), starring the inhumanely gorgeous Ruby Rose as the kick ass crime crusher. And when she’s not punching it as Batwoman, Kate Kane (her secret identity), rides around on a motorcycle, has tattoos, wears a leather jacket and a Ramones t-shirt. I wish to hug her.

Here’s what’s about to go down: “Armed with a passion for social justice and a flair for speaking her mind, Kate Kane soars onto the streets of Gotham as Batwoman, an out lesbian and highly-trained street fighter primed to snuff out the failing city’s criminal resurgence. But don’t call her a hero yet. In a city desperate for a savior, Kate must overcome her own demons before embracing the call to be Gotham’s symbol of hope.”

There’s a three-minute trailer for Batwoman, which you need to see. Before you do that, here are a few now available/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as a highly-trained street fighter gal wearing a Ramones shirt…

13 SOULS (available now)
“An evil creature created from the souls of coal miners killed in a mining massacre, takes revenge on a small town every 50 years. His mission is to collect ‘13 souls to pay the debt.’”

There are lots of horror movies about coal mines — you just have to tunnel for ‘em. Heh. For a good throwback coal mine horror flick, give My Bloody Valentine a spin. The 1981 version, not the full-of-holes 2009 remake.

NUN’S DEADLY CONFESSION (available now)
“Dr. Morten Holst is a psychiatrist who struggles with as many problems, if not more, as his wide range of unique patients. A detective finds himself in a threatening situation when he gets caught in the doctor’s game while unraveling a mysterious case.”

The cover art is as confusing as the plot. And that nun doesn’t look very holy. God’s probably gonna give her the frowning of a lifetime.

STRAWBERRY FLAVORED PLASTIC (available now)
“A sensational, sentimental, and philosophical horror neo-noir that follows the still-at-large crimes of Noel, a repentant, classy and charming serial killer loose in the suburbs of New York.”

There’s a bunch of words that don’t belong in this plot blurb. I can fix it for them — take everything out and just say, “serial killer loose in the suburbs of New York.”

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS (July 23, 2019)
“Serial killer Peter Harris, aka ‘The Doll Maker,’ returns to his ancestral family estate after being released from the state hospital for the criminally insane after 20 years – a ‘cured’ man. Once inside the old house, anguished memories from a tortured childhood and visitations from past victims shake Peter’s resolve, but it isn’t until the lovely young Ashley enters his life that Peter makes a fateful decision, one that rekindles old desires that always have ended in murder.”

Don’t’ confuse this Rock, Paper, Scissors with the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2012, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2018, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2007, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2013, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out earlier in 2019.

Vampire Licker

In the extremely low-budget Vampire Junction (2001), a hand-held camera “horror” movie about female vampires, the plastic fangs are the only thing that cost any money because it certainly wasn’t spent on plot, lighting or dialogue.

Two lesbian vampires shave and lick each other. The camera zooms in on their not-so private parts and leaves it there and assumes that’s supposed to be an integral part of the story. OK, it kinda is, but that’s just because female not-so private parts are somehow…mesmerizing.

Lina Romay shows up as an overweight old lady with a Marine-regulation haircut who takes her clothes off. (There’s the “horror” part.) No pun intended, but Lina’s getting long in the plastic tooth. What happened to the superbod she displayed in all its untrimmed glory in Lust For Frankenstein (1998)? Maybe Krispy Kreme™ just opened down the street from her house.

One chick vampire has pimples on her butt. Her partner wears goofy make-up that looks like it was applied with a paintball gun. They both look like Winger groupies. And all of this was shot in a hotel room. Yeah, that creates real vampire atmosphere.

There’s some sort of plot, but most of it revolves around the two vampire lesbos getting it on with Lina. I never thought I’d say this, but watching the utterly pointless Vampire Junction has really turned me off to naked girl-on-girl vampire horror. This week, anyway.

Tattooed Superhero, Pentagon Aliens, Eating Planets

Going batty over the first released pic of Ruby Rose as the new Batgirl. Before she launches her own series, CW is gonna have her do pop-ups in The Flash, Supergirl and Arrow. (It’ll be called Elseworlds. Batman is gonna be so jealous.)

Ruby Rose, if you didn’t hear, is being touted as the first gay female superhero in the lead role. While CW already has several high-profile gay/lesbian characters in their superhero shows, this is further great news. And the stunningly attractive and badass Ruby — former Australian model, actress, and television presenter who is literally painted in tattoos — is an awesome casting choice. (You saw her in The Meg, yes? The shark wisely chose to swim in the opposite direction of her.)

While we wait impatiently for Ruby to turn criminals into prison fertilizer, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not be as cool as the new Batgirl…

ALIENS AT THE PENTAGON (available now)
“For years the US government denied investigating UFOs. But when an ultra-secret Pentagon program to study the Alien threat was exposed in late 2017, the world was stunned by this revelation. Nick Pope, aka ‘The Real Fox Mulder’, investigated UFOs and other unexplained phenomena for the British government. Now Nick exposes the secretive workings of the Pentagon’s real-life X-Files unit, using his knowledge and past experience to tell the incredible story as only a true government insider can.”

If you’re a fan of UFO documentaries like, um, me, then you’ll no doubt want to rent this one. But don’t buy it if you’re planning on being abducted by aliens in the near future. I’m still waiting.

HAUNTED (October 19, 2018/Netflix™)
“Netflix’s™ Haunted gives a chilling glimpse into the first-person accounts from people who have witnessed horrifying, peculiar, extraordinary supernatural events and other unexplained phenomena that continue to haunt them.”

The only horrifying event I’ve ever witnessed is the bar I’m in closing at 2AM. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Then again, maybe it’s all that beer that’s giving me the trembles.

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (November 9, 2018/Japan | Netflix™ 2019)
“Last year, Toho and Polygon kicked off an animated trilogy with Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, which continued this year with Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (now on Netflix™). The trilogy ends with Godzilla: The Planet Eater.”

Awesome title. And it suits Godzilla Earth perfectly as he can be seen in the previous two animated features biting into mountains as if they were Hostess Cupcakes™. So if he eats a planet for dinner, what might be a good side dish — a jungle salad, perhaps?

PET SEMATARY (April 5, 2019)
“Based on the seminal horror novel by Stephen King, Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, who, after relocating with his wife Rachel and their two young children from Boston to rural Maine, discovers a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near the family’s new home. When tragedy strikes, Louis turns to his unusual neighbor, Jud Crandall, setting off a perilous chain reaction that unleashes an unfathomable evil with horrific consequences.”

If you saw the original adaptation (1989), it was pretty dang excellent, even if it was a spin on the Monkey’s Paw back-from-the-dead gut-punch. I don’t care as the trailer for the new one looks to continue the thrills, chills and doctor bills.

Dancing With Ghosts

If you don’t speak conversational Korean at fancy cocktail parties, you likely passed on Wishing Stairs (2003), the third installment South Korean horror series, Whispering Corridors. (Or as I like to conversationally blurt out cocktail parties, Yeogogoedam 3: Yeowoogyedan.)

Now that you’re suitably impressed with my fancy dumbassery, in an all-female Korean dance school, the girl’s dormitory holds a dark secret: none of the chicks shave their legs. Okay, that’s not actually part of the plot…BUT IT SHOULD BE. (Note to girls who don’t shave their legs — please don’t kick my behind quarters; it’s just a joke, I hair swear.)

The plot problem starts when two classmates compete for a spot in the Russian “So You Think You Can Dance” ballet. Just so happens there’s a nearby eerie staircase with 28 steps. If you count the steps as you go up, a 29th step will reveal itself in the form of a fox spirit and will grant you a wish. You can see where this is going.

In a see-it-a-mile-away betrayal maneuver, So-hee gets pushed down the stairs and ends up crippled. Unable to cut the rug ever again, she soon commits suicide but gets wished back to life by…the Wishing Stairs.

The spirit of So-hee returns to revenge haunt the guilty party by possessing Hye-ju, her only friend in her pre-dead life, for some “pay it forward” retribution. This takes the form of being stabbed by scissors (ouch), being burned alive (double ouch) and being crushed in the stomach area with a deathly death hug. (Love hurts.)

As this is the third in a series of haunted Korean lesbian schoolgirl movies (Whispering Corridors/1998, Memento Mori/1999), it’s just as boring as the first two, which are equally as scareless and shockless and twice as predictable.

Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight…I wish this movie didn’t suck.

P.S. I don’t really go to fancy cocktail parties. Yes, I’m into host booze, but not dress codes that require me not to wear black T-shirts of obscure Swedish death metal bands.

Vampires, Haunted Houses and 7-Eleven

Four more upcoming (as of this date in time) horror film-y thingies for your monetary consideration. First  thought has me questioning the people who write these press releases. If you want to do a half-assed job…HIRE ME!

PATIENT SEVEN (October 11, 2016)
“Dr. Marcus, a renowned psychiatrist has selected six severe mentally ill and dangerous patients, from the Spring Valley Mental Hospital as part of research for his new book. As Dr. Marcus interviews each patient, one by one the horrors they have committed begin to unfold. However, Dr. Marcus soon learns that there is one patient that has been kept from him, by the hospital’s administrator, Dr. Vincent…”

That Dr. Vincent is such a dick. Why would he keep a patient from Dr. Marcus? That is just plain mean. You give an ass-wipe a name tag and they think they own the world.

VAMPYRES (October 18, 2016)
Vampyres – faithful to the sexy, twisted 1974 cult classic, takes place in a stately English manor inhabited by two older lesbian vampires and their only cohabitant – a man imprisoned in the basement. Their lives and lifestyle are upended when a trio of campers come upon their lair and seek to uncover their dark secrets, a decision that has sexual and blood-curdling consequences.”

Vampyres is said to “pulsate with raw eroticism, wicked sado-masochism and bloody, creative gore.” It’s like a party-platter gone wild.

HOUSE OF PURGATORY (October 21, 2016)
“Four mid-western teenagers search for a fabled haunted house on Halloween night. Finding it, they slowly realize that the house knows each of their deepest secrets. One-by-one the house uses these secrets against them. Then, they find themselves in a battle to save their lives and their souls!”

A house that knows each of their deepest secrets? They don’t know it yet, but they stumbled into a 7-Eleven™.

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (December 20, 2016)
“Two coroners – a father and son – receive a mysterious homicide victim with no apparent cause of death. As they attempt to identify the beautiful young ‘Jane Doe,’ they discover increasingly bizarre clues that hold the key to her terrifying secrets.”

You’re probably thinking the secret is she’s a he. An autopsy should settle that argument.

French Sex Vampires

If you’re a criminal on the run and looking for a place to hide, a castle full of naked vampire chicks that have blood-drinking sex parties might be a suitable choice. Such is the plot of the French R-rated horror movie, Fascination (1979), which stars Brigitte Lahaie, a legitimate porn star. She earned her cred the hard way. Um, no pun intended.

It’s 1905 and two high-steppin’ Paris gals go shopping, lock lips and stop by the local slaughterhouse to drink ox blood from glasses with pinky extended. They claim to have severe anemia. All vampires do, I’d reckon. Eventually tiring of cow ketchup, they move up to people, specifically men. This creates a convenient dinner solution when a gold-coin carrying thief running from other thieves who want the gold coins seeks refuge in the ladies’ porn palace.

While hiding his hide, he bares his hide with a little horizontal romance action with one of the gals. Good way to pass the time before the arrival of the marchioness (a snooty woman with the paper rank of a marquess) and her “servants.” When they get to the castle they have a party with the criminal being the only guy, bobbing up and down in a sea of boobies.

The vamps want his blood, but one of the gals, who finds him attractive, helps him escape before this becomes a draining experience. What to do but to quench their eternal thirst by sucking the joy juice out of one of the party girls. How b*tchy.

The criminal finally gets a taste of justice when he gets shot by the very same gal who had a weekend crush on him, but changed her mind at the last minute and hooks up with the marchioness. If you know girls like that, run away.

As mentioned a bunch of words ago, Brigitte Lahaie stars as one of the lesbian vampires. While there is copious amounts of front to back/head to toe nudity, nothing explicit is shown in the ways of well-lit nature. For all I know they could’ve been faking those sex scenes. Bummer.

Vampyres That Like To Suck

Vampyres (1974) is also known as Daughters of Darkness. I like DoD better because unless you’re from some weirdo European country, “vampires” should always be spelled with an “i.” Sorry, it’s a universal rule.

An older hot vampire woman and a younger, firmer hot vampire woman entice male type man dudes back to their castle for wine, small talk and flesh pressing. Afterward, to get the stink of sex off their skin, they bite open necks, suck out the man gunk, and then go sleep in the basement.

One lucky stiff (ahem) ends up with the older lady vampire. Instead of killing him outright, she just sucks on him a little, you know, to savor and such. But like me and an open bar tab, he just keeps going back for more.

A vacationing young couple in a trailer outside the castle grounds adds to the frivolity as the gal looks like a lesbian vampire from yesteryear or something. The vampire chicks want her. Probably to hang out and gossip with.

Lots of blood, nakedness and R-rated sex (everything but the good stuff). The worse part happens when people attempt to recite their dialogue, though I’m still p’od off at the police, who interrupt a personal moment between the two lady suckers. Could’a done without all that cop-blocking.

Vampires Heart Werewolves

A silly splatterfest done in old school grindhouse fashion, Blood Moon Rising’s (2009) plot, if there is one, is set in 1969 and revolves around two chicks who luv each other. (A lesbo vampire and a lesbo werewolf. Since neither shaves their legs, it’s hard to tell who’s the biter and who’s the barker.)

Because they’ve been dating since 1889, they have to wait until a full eclipse in order to, um, express their luv physically. This gets dinged up by Satan’s Goth daughter, who wants to bring an end everything on Earth. (Better to leave that up to the pros – politicians.)

The only thing in her Goth way is her granddaughter, a young hippie chick with a serious set of hi-beams, and a comic book dork boyfriend. So how do you stop people from Hell and brain-snacking zombies and vampire bikers and werewolves that look like they were pulled out of a soup line? With shotguns, of course. And some knives and a mini meat cleaver. You never know when one might come in handy.

Porn legend Ron Jeremy gets painted in the gore. They also have him stepping in dog doo doo. That’s nothing to him – you should see some of the girls he works with.

Blood Moon Rising’s jokes wear a bit thin, but it’s all in good dumbassery fun. Even with all the monsters, Sadie/Lucy, the hippie chick with two names and two big acting skills, is pretty good with a shotgun. She’s so cute, I’d let her shoot me any day.

Sci-Fi Virgin

A tongue-in-lower-cheek spoof of I Am Legend (2007), which was a spoof of Omega Man (1971), which was a spoof of The Last Man on Earth (1964), I Am Virgin (2010) is a sub-budget “sci-fi” movie set three years into the future after a virus wipes out everybody except a young guy named Robby.

All other survivors are ultra-horny vampires who suck everything except blood. Robby, the son of ultra-strict religious parents who drilled it into his head that sex and women will lead to the destruction of all mankind (they were almost right about that one), watches porn by night and searches for the right woman by day, bemoaning his virgin status on video blogs, which he posts daily.

How the internet and electricity is still functioning after three years is anyone’s guess. But sci-fi doesn’t have to explain anything to you, man.

Robby won’t give in, though, believing that the right woman might have survived the Armageddon and that he’ll someday find her. With his luck, she’ll turn out to be a lesbian.