Archive for Poggie Tavern

Cults, Co-Eds, Contamination, Cataclysm

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Satanic

Is it just my imagination or are there horror movies being made all the time? Seems like I can’t get out of bed without stepping in a wet pile of new genre flicks. Don’t these filmmakers have day jobs? Wish I could sit in a tall chair all day and yell “Cut”! through a huge megaphone. That’d be sweet.

That implied, here are four new horror flicks (as if this e-blogging) to goose up your Halloween before Christmas decorations go up the day after.

SATANIC (October 4, 2016)
Satanic follows a van full of young, college-aged coeds who are visiting old Satanic Panic-era sites in Los Angeles. They end up following the creepy owner of an occult store home, only to find themselves saving a suspicious girl from an apparent human sacrifice. Only this ‘victim’ turns out to be much more than dangerous then the cult from which she escaped.”

College-aged co-eds. Sounds like an oxymoron, with emphasis on the moron. Does this make it chick horror? Of course it does.

Antidote

ANTIDOTE (October 21, 2016)
Antidote takes place in a plague-ridden, post-apocalyptic world. Here, a man and woman face unimaginable horrors. When he suddenly becomes infected, they have to contend with the fact that the only possible cure slowly drives him mad.”

How come the future is always post-apocalyptic, plague-ridden and…oh, that’s right –Republicans.

The Curse of Doctor Wolffenstein

THE CURSE OF DOCTOR WOLFFENSTEIN (October 25, 2016)
“80 years ago, the diabolical Dr. Victor Wolffenstein wanted nothing more than to be immortal. His tireless quest led him to create a vaccine that did just that, but also infected his body with a flesh-rotting form of necrosis. As the doctor’s limbs literally fell apart, he tried to replace them by using the crudely removed arms and legs of the local villagers who, in order to stop Wolffenstein’s reign of terror, captured him and buried him alive for his crimes.”

There’s more, including five present day teens who f’up and resurrect Wolffy who gets his mutilation on. I have zero pity for them. This one promises to be “the ultimate experience in violence and gore.” If you’re gonna go around calling yourself Wolffenstein, I’d expect nothing less. That, or start a metal band.

Terrortory

TERRORTORY (October 31, 2016)
Terrortory is an anthology horror film in the vein of Creepshow and Tales From The Crypt. It features six horrific tales set in the mythical region of Maryland known for an abundance of strange happenstances and urban legends.”

Watch this one free on Amazon Prime™ October 1, 2016 – October 31, 2016. And as for Maryland being known for “an abundance of strange happenstances and urban legends,” clearly they haven’t been to the Poggie Tavern™ during last call.

Debbie Does Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Soulkeeper

Two wisecracking guys work for the mysterious M (ala Charlie’s Angels), “acquiring” stuff for the eccentric rich. They get a freelance assignment to “acquire” the Lazarus Stone, a rock that rocks, meaning, it opens the door between the dead and the living. (Same as the one on the Poggie Tavern.)

Soulkeeper

Before you know it, our heroes are knee deep in stink vampires, stink monsters, stink demons, and smelly hookers, the latter of which they partake as perks of the job. The boys have to get to the L-Stone before this Anti-Jesus does, or else all heck-a-roo will break loose.

Soulkeeper

Double hip, double smart, and dialogue so double sharp, you can cut your hair with it. Too many great one-liners to illustrate here, but there is a great sex scene between one of the guys and Debbie (or “Deborah”) Gibson, giving him an off-screen slobber knobber, and then turns into the guy’s mom. Flippin’ hilarious.

Soulkeeper

If you’re worn out from years of watching sub-grade horror, you should probably rent Soulkeeper (2001). When you do, invite me over so I can watch it again. And would it kill you to have some chips and dip laid out when I get there?

Peculiar Kids, Space Infection and Directions to Hell

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children

Another batch of visual goodies gearing up to ransack your wallet/purse/fanny pack. (Note to my accountant – can I deduct the cost of popcorn, Peanut M&Ms™, red vines, Diet Coke™, hot dogs, and smuggled bottles of airline liquor from my taxes if I say that going to the movies is work related?

Anyway, the book-based Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, the upcoming (2016) Tim Burton horror-ish fantasy movie, goes like this: “When Jacob discovers clues to a mystery that spans different worlds and times, he finds Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. But the mystery and danger deepen as he gets to know the residents and learns about their special powers.”

I liked it better when it was called X-Men (2000).

Virus: Extreme Contamination

Up next is the dork titled Virus: Extreme Contamination (release pending 2016): “An Italian scientist travels to Kosovo to study the impact of a meteorite that is the cause of strange events. Once there, he discovers that the object has been moved to a near military base where all the people were turned into dangerous weird creatures.”

When doesn’t a meteorite cause weird stuff /real estate damage? As if it needs to be said, when aren’t people on the bus dangerous weird creatures? The fact that we all are is what’s keeping aliens from colonizing Earth. And yes, they always have to wipe their space shoes after visiting this flat/round planet of ours.

Death House

Death House (release pending 2016) shows promise, if only for the stellar genre cast that stars the guys who played Freddy Krueger, Machete, Jason Voorhees, Pinhead, and that gal who starred in that legendary rape revenge movie I Spit On Your Grave (1978). Here’s what happens in the house of death…

“Two federal agents fight their way through nine levels of Hell inside a secret prison known as the Death House. A facility-wide prison break turns their flight into a tour of horrors as they push toward the ultimate evil housed in the lowest depths of the earth.”

Sounds like someone’s been hanging out at the Poggie Tavern during “What Passes As Ladies” Night again.

Yet Another Installment of Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Judgment

It’s a sad state of affairs when a popular horror movie franchise is put through the salad spinner so many times, it no longer resembles anything consumable.

While this has been famously done to cash cows such as the Halloween, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street series (don’t get me started on the Police Academy abominations, of which there are seven), the release of Hellraiser: Judgment (pending 2016), brings the original once proud Hellraiser movie to a shaming eight sequels, six and a half of which are like watching a hobo sift through your garbage.

Hellraiser

Quite similar to a Cenobite torture, we’ve had to endure the punishing Hellraiser sequels for nearly the past three decades. In creator Clive Barker’s hands, this was a genre game changer, featuring open wound, flesh re-imagined creatures with cool Juda Priest-y heavy metal leather suits, the most iconic of which was/is Pinhead, a bald guy with nails pounded into right into his head/face/eyebrows. And he had a deep voice practically designed for late night FM radio and/or selling infomerical juicers.

But once the rights were cashed out, Pinhead was inevitably turned into the Ronald McDonald of horror, relieving the greasy golden arches from Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger, who also reigned over nine movies and Freddy’s Nightmares (1988 – 1990), a painfully dated (even when it came out) TV series with 44 episodes.

Hellraiser

Judging by the press release, Hellraiser: Judgment seems to be another case of “meet the new Cenobite, same as the old Cenobite”…

“Detectives Sean and David Carter are on the case to find a gruesome serial killer terrorizing the city. Joining forces with Detective Christine Egerton, they dig deeper into a spiraling maze of horror that may not be of this world. Could the Judgment awaiting the killer’s victims also be waiting for Sean?”

Yeesh – a hobo could’ve come up with that plot.

Hellraiser

Not surprised that whoever owns the rights to Hellraiser can’t figure out how to explore the depraved depths of the Pinhead character, and merely relegate him a bookend to pathetic scenarios. Only Clive Barker, who gave birth to Pinhead and the Cenobites in The Hellbound Heart first published in 1986, can/could take us to the depths of a grisly Hell, or as I call it, the Poggie Tavern (est. 1934), a few blocks south of Heaven, or “my neighborhood.”

Clearly, the real Pinheads are the ones still recycling Hellraiser. That said, here’s a Hellraiser laundry list of viewings for those wanting to pound metaphorical nails into eyeball flesh…

Hellraiser (1987), Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Hellraiser: Inferno (2000), Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002), Hellraiser: Deader (2005), Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005), Hellraiser: Revelations (2011).

Guilt in the Time of Dragons

Posted in Fantasy, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Shamer's Daughter

Fantasy horror flick The Shamer’s Daughter (i.e., Skammeren’s Datter) was released in Denmark back in March, 2015. I couldn’t find a bus that could get me there, so I missed the bus on that one.

Then Shamer was premiered at the 2015 Fantasia festival in Montreal last summer. Still no bus. Is it just my imagination, or does public transit not want me to see this period piece involving medieval dragons, witches and a throne that needs to be sat on? Conspiracy theories aside, I think we all know the answer here.

The Shamer's Daughter

Like waiting for a bus that never comes, I’ll just have to twiddle my thumbs even more for The Shamer’s Daughter to come out on VHS cassette tape. Or VOD. And here’s why my patience – which is running thin – will pay off…

The Shamer's Daughter

“The Shamer’s daughter, Dina, has unwillingly inherited her mother’s supernatural ability – she can look straight into the soul of other people, making them feel ashamed of themselves. In a semi-realistic medieval fantasy world with dragons and witchcraft, Dina and her family are thrown into the adventure of a lifetime in order to put the rightful heir to the Kingdom of Dunark.”

The Shamer's Daughter

For the record, I don’t need to have some stinky Renaissance fair chick peep into what’s left of my soul to make me feel ashamed of myself. Alcohol does that just fine, thank you.

P.S. I’m the rightful heir to the Kingdom of Dunark. That’s what the downtrodden villagers at yon Poggie Tavern call me. Better credentials are not needed.

War Inside My Head

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pod

Saw the trailer for Pod (2015), a new sci-fi dealie. Interesting, but it doesn’t quite tell you what the movie is about. Luckily I can cheat and cut ‘n paste the synopsis…

“After receiving a troubling voice-mail, estranged siblings Ed and Lyla travel to their isolated family lake house in Maine to hold an intervention on their increasingly paranoid, war veteran brother, Martin. But the situation rapidly spirals out of control when they discover the house completely ransacked and learn that Martin has constructed an elaborate and horrifying conspiracy theory surrounding a sinister entity that he believes he has trapped in the basement.”

And therein lies the possible swerve – they tell us Martin is an “increasingly paranoid, war veteran” who “believes” he has a sinister entity trapped in the basement, probably next to an old lawnmower, some jars of once-edible gunk and an old fridge that doesn’t have any beer in it. This means it could all be in his hurt-y head.

Pod

War-induced schizophrenia is quite unfortunate for many and more sinister than any entity. (That is, unless you hang out at the Poggie Tavern in West Seattle during last call. You want entities? They should put ‘em on the menu.) But what if the entity is a for real extraterrestrial? The movie poster certainly hints at an otherworldly creature.

Guess we’ll just have to wait until August 28, 2015 when Pod comes out. In the meantime, I’ll do my time-killing at the Poggie. I just won’t go in their basement.

Bigfoot Costumes And Free Zombies

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Love In The Time Of Monsters

Love In The Time of Monsters. Upcoming 2015 indie horror film or accurate term describing last call at The Poggie Tavern? Probably both.

In LITTOM (fingers too tired from gripping beer cans to type out the whole title), “two sisters travel to a cheesy tourist trap where they battle toxic monsters dressed in Bigfoot costumes in order to save the ones they love.”

I want a Bigfoot costume.

Love In The Time Of Monsters

Dead Rising: Watchtower, arriving March 27, 2015 has one of those titles that just screams “yawn.” Dead Rising? Really? Man, I can fart better sounding titles.

Sigh. Anyway, here’s the plot: “Watchtower takes place during a large-scale zombie outbreak. When a mandatory government vaccine fails to stop the infection from spreading, the four leads must evade infection while also pursuing the root of the epidemic, with all signs pointing to a government conspiracy. Politics, public paranoia, and media coverage play an important role in the story’s narrative.”

Dead Rising: Watchtower

In other words, seen it all before. And this is why zombie movies of late suck/keep sucking/continue to suck. Here’s a better title: Yawn Rising. (Watch – this thing’ll probably be a smash hit and make me eat my words like a mouthful of beer cans.)

P.S. Dead Rising: Watchtower is a Crackle Original™ (owned by Sony™), which means while it’ll be free, there will be a commercial every 2.6 minutes throughout the entire thing. If you think I’m kidding, go ahead and try watching ANYTHING on Crackle™ – it’ll make you wanna smash your face area with a TV/smart phone/tablet device.