Archive for mansion

Ghosts Riding Shotgun

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Haunting of Winchester House

The young married couple moving into the notorious Winchester House knew the place was haunted, and yet they bellyache a blue streak when demonic ghosts take their 12 year-old daughter into a closet and never comes out. Serves ’em right, the disbelievers.

Haunting of Winchester House

The house, thought to be plagued by the spirits of all the people who expired after being shot by one of Sarah Winchester’s late husband’s kick ass rifles (it’s how the West was won), was constructed with profits from said gun sales to keep adding more and more rooms to the sprawling mansion to rent out to more ghosts. A run-on sentence, but this is fact. (I totally saw it on the History Channel™.)

Haunting of Winchester House

A neighbor offers his paranormal detective services. (He even has a business card to prove it.) As a soul brother (no pun intended), he sports a stylin’ medium grade afro. Who wouldn’t want his help? But it’s the butler (?) who leads them to the attic where they see a replayed tragic past event unfold, which gives painfully obvious clues as to the ghost flap.

Haunting of Winchester House

Haunting of Winchester House (2009)  is full of stuff you could’ve predicted without a degree in ghostology. And the spirit sequences/spooky effects are as old as the 1884 house itself, to say nothing of the wooden acting chops of all involved. (Except ghost Sarah — she’s got some cool polter-chops.)

Winchester House

Leaving the crowded mansion, mom, dad and their freshly-rescued daughter walk outside, only to find… I’ll just say this — it’s a Sixth Sense (1999) moment that, while kinda neat, doesn’t excuse this tedious, barely-a-story ghost story. Better to visit the real Winchester House (in San Jose, CA) and hang out with real ghosts.

That Damned House

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of the Damned

1963: Two couples looking to have a romantic anniversary weekend to feel each other up move into the last un-rented castle (or, House of the Damned) with a view in California, only to discover there are dead mutant circus freaks partying in the basement. (Say what you will about dead mutant circus freaks, those guys know how to throw a happenin’ shindig!)

House of the Damned

This doesn’t bother the couple and their two unhappily married friends nearly as much as the headless woman and a half-man wandering (okay rolling) around without a glass of White Zinfandel™ in their hands. That simply wouldn’t happen in Napa Valley, or “wine country.”

House of the Damned

Boy Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Boy

In yet another dazzling display of laziness, the horror lite movie The Boy arrives January 22, 2016. Looking to do the dude version of the evil doll in The Conjuring (2013) and its pointless spin-off Annabelle (2014), the ONLY thing this movie has going for it is that it features The Walking Dead hottie Lauren Cohan, aka “Maggie.”

Lauren Cohan

So Lauren/Maggie plays an American nanny hired to tend to a mansion-owning crusty old British couple’s young boy. Yeah, it’s pretty much a life-size wooden doll all decked out in Sunday knickers and combed hair. But this boy doll comes with a laundry list of strict “don’t do’s,” all of which Lauren/Maggie does because, hey, American – we do what we want.

The Boy

Once the rules go out the door, the doll comes to life and tries to feel her up. Okay, not really try to feel her up. That’s just what I’d do if I were a reanimated demon doll with a wooden crotch.

The Boy

Less ye forget, Another “horror” move with the same title came out in March of 2015. This The Boy stars an isolated, motherless kid (she abandoned him and the hubby) who is “unchecked by the bounds of parenting, friendship, or affection. Its here his fascination with death awakens.” FYI: The trailer for this one is really creep-tacular.

Annabelle

P.S. They’re sandpapering Annabelle 2 as of this posting. Two back-to-back star vehicles. Man, that evil doll must have a good agent.

Paranormal Training Bra

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paranormal Halloween

Need a Halloween fix? Well, tie off horror junkies because here’s two new ones for you…

First up is a comedy horror movie that pays homage to horror movies that ripped off other horror movies. My head hurts. Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, releasing October 27, 2015, gives a laugh-shaped mouth shout-out to the pop ghostly culture likes of Insidious (2010), The Conjuring (2013), Amityville Horror (1979), Sinister (2012), and Paranormal Activity (2007). Kind of redundant as all those movies are full of funny stuff, intended or not.

Paranormal Halloween

If you haven’t seen the trailer for Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, here’s what materializes…

“It’s Halloween Eve and Caesar and Otto find themselves house-sitting for the world’s most unpopular Governor, Jerry Grayson. But after a series of ghostly visions, strange phenomenon and a demonic possession, the half-brothers call upon renowned exorcist Father Jason Stieger to help put a stop to this new nightmare. But in this house, nothing is what it seems and everyone is fair game for the mysterious forces at work…”

Who hires guys to house sit? That in itself is kinda scary, especially if there’s an unattended liquor cabinet full of spirits waiting to be released. Heh.

Out There In The Dark

Next is Out There In The Dark (2015), a ’tweener “horror” movie, starring two young teens gals who use their cell phones to try and Scooby-Doo a ghost in a big mansion. Thus: After visiting a haunted house, two teenage girls are plagued by supernatural phenomena that lead them to uncover a chilling secret.”

I bet the chilling secret is they discover why they call ’em training bras.

Out There In The Dark

Vampire Town

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Salem's Lot

Originally a four-part mini-series on television (or “TV”), this thorough 2004 remake fleshes out Stephen King’s best-selling novel about a small town plagued by a vampire and punches the corny 1979 Salem’s Lot right in the neck.

Salem's Lot

Four hours long, the story begins with published author Ben Mears (Rob Lowe) returning home to Jerusalem’s Lot to do a book on the feared Marsden House, where as a kid on a dare, he witnessed several murders and was scared so bad he loaded his metaphorical pants. Ben wanted to rent the decrepit huge mansion up on the hill overlooking the town, but a vampire signed the lease first. (Probably with a pen filled with blood.) Very convenient having Ben and the vampire show up at the same time.

Salem's Lot

Soon several school kids turn up missing. Then several townsfolk. Then the whole dang community is one zip code away from becoming Vampire Town. (I could’ve used the word “City” or “Ville,” but I stick by my first choice.)

Salem's Lot

With four hours to kill (sorry) the movie really gets a chance to define King’s well-crafted characters, although they all talk like they were reading directly from his book. When it happens, the vampire stuff is kinda cheese ball (the garish display of fangs, the hissing of breath like a punctured water bed, screaming like a little girl when impaled with a wooden stake).

Salem's Lot

This is a rare instance where the story is better than the monster. Several scenes, though, are pretty cool, including the creepy vampire kids on the school bus and a housewife’s dead body coming back to life in the morgue. (Thankfully someone had the frame of mind to construct a crucifix out of tongue depressors or there could’ve been big trouble.)

Salem's Lot

The best line comes after the vampire (Rutger Hauer) convinces a priest to renounce his faith. When the defrocked dude asks him, “Is there a God?” Hauer replies, “Only the God that feeds you,” and makes the past pastor drink his vamp-y blood. Cool.

Decent horror, great story and a “ville” full of bloodsuckers. I’d move there. In the daylight, though, because hey, vampires.

Salem's Lot

P.S. The vampire in the 1979 movie was/is way cooler than the 2004 version vampire. This tooth is evident Heh.

Heaving Horror Hostess

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

Elvira’s aunt Morgana, a witch, passed away and left the creepy mansion to the iconically top heavy horror movie hostess. Good thing the house has a double-wide garage. Ahem.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

The mansion is in Falwell, Massachusetts, the most right-wing, religiously conservative small town in America, and home to witch burnings back before they had cable TV to entertain them.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

Elvira’s great-uncle Vincent wants Morgana’s old recipe book hidden shelf deep in the house that’s actually loaded with witchcraft spells. He does this because he wants to change into a demon. Why? Dunno. Elvira just wants to sell the house so she can fund her own Vegas show and twirl tassels around with her double-wide talents.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

Elvira’s wise-cracking and uninhibited fashion sense clash with all of the above. Slapstick gags, non-stop one-liners (“Grab a tool and start bangin’!”), and endless boob shots/jokes. I never tire of either as it turns out. That said, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988) bears double-wide viewing.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark