Archive for naked

Naked and Nude Witch

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart (1992) starts out with a short bit with 6’1” B-movie goddess Julie Strain, naked, showering, putting on her makeup, styling her hair and being spectacularly naked.

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

She’s prepping for her role as a stripper/singer Belladonna. FYI: Julie lets ’em out of the blouse bag again during her performance at a club called Coven. Apparently, she sold her soul to become a successful rock star. (The asking price about that of a TV dinner.)

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

There’s a warlock talking in an echo-y voice who owns Belladonna and makes her strip instead of sing. Most of the movie, though, is about someone looking for someone, blah, blah, blah. 

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Julie has sexuals with him in a romantic freight elevator, which you only hear and not really see. (The sex, not the elevator.) That displeased me. The other irritation point is the plot almost has nothing to do with witchcraft, and plods along as a really complicated and boring murder mystery.

Julie Strain

Forget the movie and just watch Julie doing that naked stuff in the intro. Like I’m doing right now. For the fifth time.

There’s An Urban Legend In My Basement

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghostkeeper

Disclaimer: There is no ghost in 1980’s The Shining knock-off, Ghostkeeper. I saw nothing invisible, and I approve this message. 

There’s an huge lodge buried deep in the Canadian mountains and genital-deep snow. There’s an old, stink woman who resides in the lodge. She could use some moisturizer and some product for her broomstick hair. Also living in the massive “hotel” is her son. He’s out hunting for delicious killables for dinner.

Ghostkeeper

Two hot chicks and a sex-minded smug dude arrive by snowmobiles at the lodge, despite warnings from an old dude in town to not go deep in the backwoods as there’s a huge storm coming. Snowmobiles are like jet-skis, but jet-skis go on water and… Wait, snow is water, just frozen, so…oh crap — I’m in over my head with this metaphor.

Ghostkeeper

The old woman reluctantly lets the three stay overnight. Jenny is the girlfriend of Marty, the guy who doesn’t hide the fact he wants to bone Chrissy, the other hot chick, who is all but putting it on the plate for him — right in front of Jenny. Awkward. The old woman tells Jenny she’s strong and…different, also making ominous statements like “I’m getting to old for this job” and that “there must always be someone to take the job.” Okay, that’s right out of The Sentinel (1977). Wonder if the old woman saw that movie? It was pretty good.

Ghostkeeper

Chrissy decides to bait Marty’s hook with a late night naked and/or nude bath. Unfortunately, she’s just been drowned by the old woman’s son before she can rinse off. He takes the naked body (not shown) out to the shed (not basement, as foretold on the VHS box cover), where she is summarily chopped up with a hatchet (not shown) and fed to this not-ghost dude chained in a dirt room. You only see him for a second, but he looks like a zombie version of a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie. But he’s not really a roadie — he’s the mythical Windigo/Wendigo, a monster that derives its nutrients/calories from human flesh.

Ghostkeeper

From here things turn into liberal shovels full of The Shining (1980), with Marty ending up freezing to death outside after going bonkers, and Jenny, figuring out her new position in the company, pulls a Jack Torrance on the old woman and her son. She then confronts the Windigo/Wendigo/Roadie and promises to take care of it. And you know what that means — human pulled pork Sloppy Joes for dinner! 

Bigtime Bigfoot, Erotic Horror, Giant Worms

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn

It’s official — Bigfoot has finally made the big time. (Just kidding — BF’s always been the king.) I’m talking, though about the latest Sasquatch movie, called Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn, which makes its debut on Fathom Events’ one-night-only premier on the big screen on Tuesday, February 27, 2018. It must be a good movie for it have this kind of coming out party.

Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn

Here’s what goes down: “Lost deep in the forest of the Pacific Northwest, Ashley and Max Carr are stalked by a terrifying creature that might be Bigfoot. Soon they find themselves embroiled in a strange land of Native American myth and legend turned real. Hopelessly trying to survive, with a handful of unsavory locals, they must fight back against this monster in a desperate battle of life or death.”

Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn

Sounds cool. I hope Bigfoot turns ‘em all into outdoor oatmeal. Yeah, going to the movies has gotten really expensive over the last year. (Nearly $10 for a large popcorn? Gimme a break.) But hey, Bigfoot on a screen the size of a side of a house. Come to think of it, Bigfoot is the size of a side of a house as well. So I’m thinkin’ win/win.

Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn

If Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn isn’t playing near wherever you’re munching on a lot less expensive store-bought popcorn, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a shot at the big screen — unless you have a 60-inch TV. In which case, go about your business…

Compulsion

COMPULSION (March 6, 2018)
Sadie, a budding erotic novelist, is enticed by an ex-lover to join him and an enigmatic woman named Francesca at an Italian Villa. Once there, Sadie is confronted by the demons of her past as she becomes embroiled in a surreal game of murder and betrayal.”

Possible warning: There may be naked nudity in this one. Whenever the word “erotic” is used to describe a movie, you know pants are coming off. Speaking of, time for me to go take an erotic shower.

Children of the Corn: Runaway

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: RUNAWAY (March 13, 2018)
“A young pregnant woman named Ruth who escapes a murderous child cult in a small Midwestern town. She then spends the next decade living anonymously in an attempt to spare her son the horrors that she experienced as a child. She lands in the small Oklahoma town…but something is following her. Now, she must confront this evil or lose her child.”

This is the 10th (!) installment of the Corn-y Children, which began its unlikely run in 1984. That another one is coming out makes about as much sense as all those Amityville Horror movie sequels (20+ —yeesh!). Was never a fan, though. I do like corn, however.

A Quiet Place

A QUIET PLACE (April 6, 2018)
“A family lives an isolated existence in utter silence, for fear of an unknown threat that follows and attacks at any sound.”

The trailer for this one is crazy cool. The family soundproofed their lives so they don’t call down whatever evil icky thing wants to deathify ‘em, going so far as to learn sign language to communicate. But what happens after a nice quiet dinner eating healthy steamed broccoli and someone farts? I’ve heard of passing gas as being “silent but deadly,” but this time it’s for real.

Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell

TREMORS: A COLD DAY IN HELL (2018)
“The sequel finds Burt Gummer and his son Travis at a remote research station, where they must go up against Graboids that have been converted into living weapons.”

The 6th installment of the people-eating underground giant worm creatures. These “Graboids” can hear you tromping around topside, hone in your dinner bell and swish — nothin’ but neck. Hey, maybe Graboids are the monsters in The Quiet Place. Food for thought. Heh.

Vampire Party Night

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Transylmania

Transylmania (2009) is a knuckle-headed, horror spoof comedy about a bunch of sex/party/drugs obsessed college students attending a Romanian college for a semester. Homework includes vampires, vampire hunters, a sexy hunchback, body part swapping, and more boobs than you can shake your stake at.

Transylmania

The Razvan University is a castle that, when referred to, makes horses flatulent. Run by an evil dwarf principal whose drop dead gorgeous daughter is a hunchback, the school is also the scene of the vampire Radu’s search for his 500 year-old girlfriend whose soul got sucked into a music box.

TransylmaniaOne of the teachers, the bloody attractive Teodora Van Sloan, is an ancestor of the great vampire hunter Van Sloan, who did all the past thwarting. Turns out Radu is the spitting image of the perpetually horny American student, Rusty. That they both dress the same on Vampire Party Night isn’t making it easier for anyone.

Transylmania

A music box, when opened, transfers her soul into Lia, the painfully sexy and dumb nympho. This, understandably, causes more scratching of head. Both of ’em. Speaking of heads, a non-partying blonde twin gets her head cut off and her body used to reconfigure hunchback Draguta Floca. Her head manages to live and even admonishes her pot-head boyfriend and look-alike hard-partying sister for hooking up.

Transylmania

Some bonehead comedy, some hilarious bits (farting horses — heh), LOTS of bare naked boobies and micro-Goth bikini underwear. For all its slapsticking, Transylmania really made me re-think my polices on dating gorgeous hunchbacks.

Swappin’ Spit With Mummy

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mummy's KIss

Four Centuries ago Princess Ankahnten — that saucy little minx with fewer morals than me — was mummified for showing her boobs and other stuff involving nakedness. Good thing they moved her top-heavy corpse to Los Angeles where all those supermodels walk the Earth so she can lick up, uh, pick up where she left off.

The Mummy's Kiss

You see, the Egyptian Sorceress was given a Texas funeral for dabbling in forbidden pleasures of the booty. This was 3,000 years ago, well before the booty was invented. So you can see why it was deemed illegal.

The Mummy's Kiss

Now, reincarnated through the satanic forces of special effects, the oddly undecomposed (yet hot) Princess Ankahnten is trying to track down the reincarnation of her lost love — a personal comfort device. Um, I mean, ex-girlfriend. Same thing, I suppose.

The Mummy's Kiss

Connect the dots from there. After a while it all gets boring, but be careful not to get lube all over the remote.

Tasty Body Modifications

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Splatter: Naked Blood

In the super gory Splatter: Naked Blood (1995), three hot young Asian chicks offer their firmness up to science for an experiment that will be a boon to mankind — a drug that will make them not want to wear bras. OK, that’s not exactly it, but this Japanese movie is sub-titled and I can’t really read.

Splatter: Naked Blood

One chick is unable to sleep, another obsessed with food, the other addicted to clothes and beauty products. In other words, just average chicks. But the woman scientist’s 17-year-old son, a prodigy scientist, has secretly mixed his experimental drug in with his mom’s drug, and it’s unknowingly administered to the hotties. It’s a super endorphin that boosts the brain’s pain-killing chemical and makes everyone happy and not depressed. People, beer can do the same thing without needles or surgery gowns where your butt shows.

Splatter: Naked Blood

The drug’s effect happens almost innocently, with the food chick accidentally cutting her finger while preparing a succulent repast of tempura squid. Sucking the blood out of her wound, she starts to feel…aroused. Staring at a pot of boiling oil on her stove, she gets the idea to dip her hand into the tempura mixture and then deep-fry her hand. Tempura cooks quickly (about two to three minutes, or until golden brown) and she’s ready to take a bite.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Therein lies the movie’s genius plot: the endorphin chemical turns pain into sexual pleasure. (Now you know why we drink beer.) What began as a slow-moving flick about nothing suddenly turns down a dark road, with the food chick — fork and knife in hand and sitting on the dinner table half naked — starts cutting bite-sized morsels out of the area normally used for outgoing mail. Then she feasts upon said bite-sized morsels.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Seeing her reflection in the knife blade, she gets another idea: stab said eye with said fork and force it out with said knife. All of this, it should be noted, is done without the camera moving away and is brutally and realistically graphic. So much so, it’ll probably turn you off to eating your own eye.

Splatter: Naked Blood

And the scientist mom? Someone cut a portal so big in her gut as to allow her dead husband to crawl into. (Don’t ask — just watch.) The gore is magnificent and lives up to the movie’s title of splattering and being naked, so really, the plot is all but there to pass the time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a hankerin’ for some elbow macaroni.

Tattooed Vampire

Posted in Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakewoman

Back in her early 20th Century day Oriana Balasz, an underground movie icon, was quite the spanker, what with her deviant behavior and excesses of the flesh. A publishing company wants the rights to all her works, including the film she never released, which promised to be more shocking, even by today’s standards. I don’t know; the bar on shocking is set pretty high. But what the heck — I say go for it.

Snakewoman

A publicist travels to Oriana’s Spanish mansion to sink the deal with her heirs. That’s when Snake Woman shows up, a sort of punk rock biker chick with no clothes, vampire fangs and a snake tattoo that goes all the way around her body and across her butt region.

Snakewoman

The “shocking” love scenes in Snakewoman (2005) are overlong and about as sexy as cardboard. And what is it with European chicks and the unshaved armpit thing? That’s more scary than anything else in this “erotic thriller.” Boring excuse for owning a TV.