Archive for coroner

Vampires, Haunted Houses and 7-Eleven

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Patient Seven

Four more upcoming (as of this date in time) horror film-y thingies for your monetary consideration. First  thought has me questioning the people who write these press releases. If you want to do a half-assed job…HIRE ME!

PATIENT SEVEN (October 11, 2016)
Dr. Marcus, a renowned psychiatrist has selected six severe mentally ill and dangerous patients, from the Spring Valley Mental Hospital as part of research for his new book. As Dr. Marcus interviews each patient, one by one the horrors they have committed begin to unfold. However, Dr. Marcus soon learns that there is one patient that has been kept from him, by the hospital’s administrator, Dr. Vincent…”

That Dr. Vincent is such a dick. Why would he keep a patient from Dr. Marcus? That is just plain mean. You give an ass-wipe a name tag and they think they own the world.

Vampyres

VAMPYRES (October 18, 2016)
Vampyres – faithful to the sexy, twisted 1974 cult classic, takes place in a stately English manor inhabited by two older lesbian vampires and their only cohabitant – a man imprisoned in the basement. Their lives and lifestyle are upended when a trio of campers come upon their lair and seek to uncover their dark secrets, a decision that has sexual and blood-curdling consequences.”

Vampyres is said to “pulsate with raw eroticism, wicked sado-masochism and bloody, creative gore.” It’s like a party-platter gone wild.

House of Purgatory

HOUSE OF PURGATORY (October 21, 2016)
“Four mid-western teenagers search for a fabled haunted house on Halloween night. Finding it, they slowly realize that the house knows each of their deepest secrets. One-by-one the house uses these secrets against them. Then, they find themselves in a battle to save their lives and their souls!”

A house that knows each of their deepest secrets? They don’t know it yet, but they stumbled into a 7-Eleven™.

The Autopsy of Jane Doe

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (December 20, 2016)
“Two coroners – a father and son – receive a mysterious homicide victim with no apparent cause of death. As they attempt to identify the beautiful young ‘Jane Doe,’ they discover increasingly bizarre clues that hold the key to her terrifying secrets.”

You’re probably thinking the secret is she’s a he. An autopsy should settle that argument.

Embalming: The New Taxidermy

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

EM: Embalming

Miyako is a coroner. She gets to look at all the inner goo within our bodies once we quit making outer goo. One day she gets a male teenage corpse with a needle sticking out of its neck. My guess is he died of natural causes. But, as the body is prepared for embalming, someone sneaks in after hours and takes the corpse’s head right out of its shoulder holder.

EM: Embalming

The search for the misplaced face leads Miyako and detective Kurume into the lucrative underground shopping mall known as the organ trade industry. Legs, arms, torsos, eyeballs, wieners…they won’t be undersold! (I’m waiting for the President’s Day 1/2 off butt cheek sale.)

EM: Embalming

It’s here they find Dr Fuji, an ostracized surgeon who runs his limb extraction practice out of the back of a semi-truck. Fuji knows where the head is, but it’s linked to a convoluted plot that distracts from the real reason to watch this movie: to witness graphic autopsies done on the living. Is that asking too much?

EM: Embalming

Miyako, though, has bigger problems. A nearby priest tells her what she does to dead bodies is evil and that she’s really gonna get it, the argument being that preserving the dead body is a crime against the laws of nature. (The Japanese believe in cremation, not embalming. I’m split down the middle. Heh.)

EM: Embalming

Fuji, as it turns out, did the embalming on Miyako’s mom when she kicked the Buddha, so that ties in somehow. While Em: Embalming (1999) invokes a solid “meh,” it’s the gloriously gory body parts that reward one’s rental yen. Not quite as visceral as Saw III (2006) in the head-opening department, if you can put up with all the plot distractions, you’ll be rewarded with some juicy meatiness. I know that sounds icky, but I couldn’t think of anything else.

Dead and Buried: Obscene But Not Heard

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead & Buried

Dead & Buried, a 1981 lurid crap classic and, despite its budgetary limitations, actually added a new twist to the zombie genre without evening knowing it or promoting itself as a zombie movie. But to tell you what it is, I’d have to spoil the entire thing. By doing so, as the neighbor’s 4 year-old kid says, will have me “going to jail for a very long time.”

Since I don’t want to go to jail for any length of time, I’ll just give you a few of the juicy details – and by that, I mean oozing, shiny juicy gore.

Dead & Buried

Potter’s Bluff is a small coastal New England town where its residents act nice at first, then bash you over the head with hard objects, tie you up, then light you on fire while you’re still screaming about being hit with hard objects. As you’re doing your best Joan of Arc impersonation, this large group of PB’s citizens take pictures and home movie footage, all the while showing about as much emotion as someone totally wasted on Zima™.

If you somehow manage to live, you get taken to the hospital, where a nurse will give you a co-pay lethal injection in the eye. Then off to the coroner you go, while the local sheriff searches for clues as to who is wasting gasoline and matches on tourists.

Dead & Buried

Daily explicit and grisly deaths, with the recently deceased showing up soon thereafter, fit as a fiddle, looking no worse for wear and tear (emphasis on the tear). The sheriff is flummoxed (word of the day calendar –sweet), but slowly starts to assemble the clues. It isn’t until he stumbles across footage of the townsfolk’s handiwork that he loses it, especially since one clip involves his wife and… Uh oh.

Dead & Buried

During this, the emotionally distraught sheriff also discovers who is behind all this madness. And it’s right here we get the money shot. In a sweet twist, the horror of all this “bringing ‘em back to life” whack-a-do pays off like a max bet penny slot machine. Did for me, anyway.

FYI: Due to its unflinching gore and violence, Dead & Buried was initially banned as a “video nasty” in the UK in the early 1980s, but was later acquitted of obscenity charges and removed from the Director of Public Prosecutions’ list. Whew!