Old West Paranormal Justice

Three 1800s era outlaw cowboys (two with unbrushed cowboy teeth, one with an Adam Ant coat) kill a man and his son, rapes the wife, and pretty much ruins their day. The cowboys then ride into town and start hacking hands off people, shooting them in the face, arms and neck, and drink all the town’s White Zinfandel.

Later, the woman who was violated wanders into the same town the bad cowboys have taken over. What are the odds of that happening? But there’s something weird about this woman — and it’s not the fact she has brushed teeth and everybody else doesn’t. There’s an eerie high-pitched buzzing sound that goes off like a clearance-sale smoke alarm whenever the head cowboy wearing the Adam Ant coat gets near her.

More vicious assaults happen, complimented by schoolyard swearing. For instance, the town’s 90 year-old judge tells the bad cowboys to go “F” themselves, and gets blasted into Swiss cheese for his insubordinate language. The bad cowboys grow in numbers. The town is in shambles. Where is Aquaman when you need him?

The answer arrives in a long-haired, black hat-wearing, no-talking cowboy with a melted face (nope, not Jonah Hex or Aquaman) who draws his gun so fast, you can’t see it. From here you know what’s in store for those who would infect the Old West with so much wrongness. Everyone gets a heapin’ helping of justice, the town undertaker has job security, and wagon trains of much needed toothpaste is on the way.

In all, Legend of the Phantom Rider (aka, Trigon: The Legend of Pelgidium/2002) is full of harsh, old time-y violence that’ll make you wince. Too bad the eerie melty cowboy didn’t have flaming tumbleweeds shoot out his mouth and fry those bad guys. I really would’ve liked that. As it is, a decent enough paranormal spin on the Western theme.

That Damned House

1963: Two couples looking to have a romantic anniversary weekend to feel each other up move into the last un-rented castle (or, House of the Damned) with a view in California, only to discover there are dead mutant circus freaks partying in the basement. (Say what you will about dead mutant circus freaks, those guys know how to throw a happenin’ shindig!)

This doesn’t bother the couple and their two unhappily married friends nearly as much as the headless woman and a half-man wandering (okay rolling) around without a glass of White Zinfandel™ in their hands. That simply wouldn’t happen in Napa Valley, or “wine country.”