Archive for Candyman

Hooks, Honey, Hotties and Bees

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh

In Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh (1995), Candyman is let out of the mirror in New Orleans on the onset of Mardi Gras, where the public showing of boob is replaced by the public letting of blood.

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh

That stuff is kinda OK, but the cool part is we get to learn Candyman’s backstory. Talk about skeletons in the closet — Candyman (original name Daniel Robitaille), was the artist son of a plantation slave back in the not-so-good ’ol days. Daniel was commissioned by the plantation owner to paint a portrait of Caroline, his hot to trot daughter.

Candyman: Farewell To The FleshThe paint wasn’t even dry before he and Caroline, got busy wid’it. Once news got out that she was knocked up, Daniel was pursued by a white lynch mob, who sawed off his hand and dipped the bleeding stump into honey. (This is also where he got the Candyman name — a kid stepped up, tasted the stump honey and proclaimed, “Candy, man!”) Then bees swarm all over him, looking to repossess said honey. 

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh

The plantation owner holds up a mirror to show Daniel his tortured look before dying. Right before he kicks the honey bucket, he looks into the mirror and says, “Candyman.” This explains how his soul was trapped in the mirror and why he appears whenever you comb your tortured hair/brush your lynch-mobbed teeth and invoke his name.

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh

Lots more plot and sacrifices made on behalf of the hooked hand. And to think all of this started with a taste for forbidden fruit. That’s one helluva sweet tooth Candyman had/has.

Ancient Greek Cow Thing

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Minotaur

In Greek mythology (what Greek isn’t mythology?) a Minotaur is a half bull/half man creature that originally dwelt (that’s such a cool word) at the center of the Labyrinth, an elaborate underground maze built for King Minos of Crete (that total penis owes me after I spotted him some drachma), and designed by the architect Daedalus to hold the barnyard curiosity.

Minotaur

He and his son Icarus (that guy in the Iron Maiden song) built it so Minotaur could dwelt in it. They tried to make a movie of this HISTORICALLY-PROVEN FACT, with Tony Todd (Candyman with war paint on his stomach) as the local warlord king who sacrifices teenagers to the Minotaur Cow Thing.

Minotaur

In a nearby village a guy’s girlfriend was taken to be chucked into the Labyrinth. So much for a second date with boobie-feeling privileges. He and a bunch of other villagers break into the castle to find her, only to get themselves in the same can ’o ancient soup. The Minotaur is thinkin’ it’s a restaurant on legs with all the trimmings.

Minotaur

Upstairs, though, the mean king is trying to get busy with his supermodel sister. This girl is so hot she makes Beyoncé look like a cow pie with mascara. But little sister grows tired of Candyman’s nightly attempts to get her to ride the baloney pony. Maddened, he throws the non-putting out mattress candy into the pit with the rest of the losers. Oh sure, there’s some more plot, but none of it matters, especially when there’s an enlarged demonic skull cow charging through the maze to gore people with his horns and hooves of doom.

Minotaur

His frequent attacks look like the heavy metal version of the running of the bulls; You’d expect the Minotaur to look like the Bigfoot business model of a hairy milk cow, but not this time. The Minotaur is all skeletal with evil skin hanging of it and a skull face and horns the size of whaling scrimshaws (harpoons, for all you non-Moby Dick heads). There’s a LOT of screaming. Truth be told, if I was being chased by the Minotaur, I’d make sure that darn thing slips in the adrenaline fluid spraying out of my sprinting backside.

Minotaur

The title creature (Minotaur/2006) is pretty dang cool and is the same one on the DVD box. OK, it might actually be his brother, but they look so much alike as to be twins. And Candyman? Let’s just say, you mess with the bull you get the horn. Heh.

Volumes of Blood

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Volumes of Blood

Almost freaked out in my pants when I saw the title Volumes of Blood (2105), which, in my conspiracy theorist addled brain, mistook as a rip-off of horror/fantasy icon Clive Barker’s Books of Blood series (Volumes 1 – 6, 1984 and 1985). You don’t mess with the Clive.

Anyway, after watching the trailer for Volumes of Blood (kinda cool) and admiring the ad sheet (old school cool), my panicked thoughts were suitably calmed. Here’s why: “Five tales of dread are interwoven when a sociology student gathers several of his friends at the local library on Halloween night to help him create a new urban legend with deadly consequences.”

Books of Blood

There’s more to it than that and the premise is promising, despite the title getting a little too close for comfort to a modern classic. But it’s proof that few on this planet have the depth of imagination as Clive Barker. And me. Mostly Clive, though.

Rawhead Rex

Even though a handful of the Books of Blood short stories have been adapted for film – some good (Midnight Meat Train/2008, The Forbidden filmed as Candyman/1992) and some still-awful-but-kinda-fun (Rawhead Rex/1986, The Last Illusion filmed as Lord of Illusions/1995) – you’re doing yourself a massive disservice by not grabbing the BoB compilations from Amazon.com and seeing where some groundbreaking horror continues to live.

Big Money Horror Bouts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Freddy vs. Jason

Before the epic battle of Alien vs. Predator (2004),  there was Freddy vs. Jason (2003), which matched dream date/teen-hater Freddy Krueger with hockey-fan/butcher Jason Voorhees. (Put me in the Alien/Krueger corner; Jason is a one-punchline joke and Predator cheats.)

Freddy vs. Jason

Everyone quit believing in Freddy Krueger and started worshiping X-box™. Freddy can’t come back from the sleep aether to kill you if you don’t believe (i.e., fear) in him. (This is in reference to the Candyman rules – you don’t say his name five times, he won’t appear and gut you.)

Freddy vs. Jason

So Freddy has to resurrect the only unstoppable serial killer with a machete and hockey mask who can handle his PR: Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees. I know, there’s hundreds of hockey-masked goons with machetes (NHL). But Jason was the first who mattered.

Freddy vs. Jason

High body count (makes sense), some obligatory boobies (thank you), terrible plot (but you knew that), and Jason and Freddy getting into a less-than-fulfilling physical argument that escalates into decapitation and was solely designed to cash in ($115 million at the box office). In other words, slasher business as usual.

Hook In Mouth

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

The Vader-voiced, trench coat wearing, chick magnetizing Candyman is the Barry White of Bogeymen. In Candyman 3: Day of the Dead (1999), his third flick, the hook-handed hunk goes after his great-great-great granddaughter, Bay Watch’s Donna D’Erricho.

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead She doesn’t believe in HIM and that makes Candyman very unsociable. So he shoots bees out of his mouth and kills all of her friends with his gut-ripping skills. Been there, stung that.

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

An interesting angle, which they failed to follow through with, included a cult of stinky Goth Candyman disciples who “believe.” Little more than “look who’s stalking,” C-3 (based in East L.A.!) fails to generate any creepiness. Even the eviscerations are dull.

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

Tony Todd as Candyman phones it in and, while D’Errico is gorgeous, all she does is run around in tight tank tops which she keeps on at all times. That qualifies as falsie advertising in my book.

Eating Corn With A Pitchfork

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scarecrow Slayer

As a four-year-old riding on a farm tractor at midnight, plowing the fields (couldn’t it wait until morning?), Tony Todd (Candyman in a previous life) watched his dad get pitch-forked by a demonically possessed scarecrow. At this point we don’t know if the pitchfork was real or just a prop.

Scarecrow Slayer

When Tony grew up, he wrote numerous books about the forked up cornfield guardian and learned that yes, booze can solve just about all of your problems. He even managed to capture the darn thing, tied it up in said field of corn and keep his shotgun and mind-clearing whiskey at the ready.

Scarecrow Slayer

Along comes two frat pledges whose job is to steal the scarecrow and bring it back to the dorm (probably to have relations with it). Tony, senses amplified by alcohol, runs out with all guns blazing and shoots one of the kids in the stomach-y area. Through the magic of Art Institute™ special effects, the boy’s soul is sucked into the scarecrow, thereby reanimating it and setting out on a murderous vegetable-esque rampage.

Scarecrow Slayer

Tony made two mistakes in regards to Scarecrow Slayer (2003): one was starring in it. The second was not having enough booze to blot out this epic career fail.

Candyman: Bee-Grade Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Candyman

Candyman, a former murdered son of a black slave in his pre-folklore days, appears after you look in a mirror and say his name five times. (I tried that using the word “Budweiser™.” Didn’t work.) Those who successfully summon this Man of Candy, always dies an ugly death. Never heard of a pretty death, so that makes sense.

CandymanHelen Lyle is a graduate student researching the legend of Candyman in the sprawling, crime-plagued Cabrini-Green area of town. She meets the real legend who tells her she must believe in him. Hey, any guy with a hook for hand and who shoots bees out of his mouth has my full attention.

Candyman

People become possessed. Dogs get decapitated. Necks get sliced. Blood gets on everything. Bee breath begins to stink. Candyman kidnaps a baby with the intent on not letting it get past Huggies™ and into Underoos™.

Candyman

Helen makes a deal with Candyman – she’ll carry on his fearful legend and make the surrounding neighborhood crap their pants whenever they hear his name, only if he doesn’t take the baby with him into that junk yard bonfire where he lives.

Candyman

Helen barely manages to save the kid from the extra-flame-y flames, and ends up dying due to her burnt-toast flesh. Trevor, Helen’s grief-stricken husband, looks in the mirror, all sad and upside-down smiley, and says his wife’s name five times. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Candyman

A great horror icon in Candyman (1992), what with his happenin’ fur coat, white scarf, hooked hand and mouth bees. He also has a deep voice. I bet he could get a job in radio easy.