Upside Down House, Woodland Werewolf, Kids-Only Apocalypse

Yet another Stranger Things-related real estate offering, this one being the horror house where Vecna dwelt/dwells. In case you forgot/didn’t care, Vecna was/is the super mean sentient creature from the Upside Down, the place where the tavern floor is the ceiling and the ceiling is the tavern floor. (Don’t worry — it makes sense after you’ve had a few.)

Vecna’s shack — aka, the Creel House — is going for $1.5 million in loose bus change. It’s located in Rome, GA (I thought Rome was in Italia) and has 6,000 square feet — plenty of room to store a lot of things…upside down. Heh. It also has seven bedrooms and (gasp!) seven bathrooms…and one with a cast-iron urinal. How metal. Toilet paper, unfortunately, is not included. 

Just a few years ago (2019), the pre-evilized house was purchased (or “bought”) for $350,000. After a little restoration, some rust-free coating on the aforementioned heavy metal watering pot, and a ton of free advertising on Stranger Things, apparently there’s no price ceiling on these ceilings. 

While you put a cast-iron urinal on your Christmas piss list, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with rust-free coating… 

SHADOW MASTER / November 4, 2022 (Theaters), November 8, 2022 (Apple TV™)

“Slain during a ferocious fight and reborn with supernatural powers, one man stands between demonic forces bent on hastening the Apocalypse and a ragtag group of apartment dwellers protecting their children from certain peril. Shadow Master is an outrageous mix of haunted house chills and martial arts thrills, featuring jaw-dropping fight choreography.”

Looks like someone’s been tik-talking with The Crow (1994).

BUZZ CUT / December 12, 2022 (VOD)

“The Hash House Harriers (a drinking club with a running problem) are on a 25th anniversary get-together when they accidentally cross paths with a beekeeper, who also happens to be a serial killer in this crazy Kiwi horror-comedy that’s part Animal House and part ’80s slasher movie.”

A beekeeping serial killer and a drinking club. Sounds like Candyman joined a frat.

THE FOREST HILLS / Pending release 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A disturbed man is tormented by nightmarish visions after enduring head trauma while camping in the Catskill Mountains.”

This movie is supposed to be about werewolves. All they’re telling us is there’s a confused guy with a headache. That’ll pretty much describe me if they don’t give us werewolves.

HEARTLAND / Pending release 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of children in the American Midwest struggle to survive in the brutal landscape of a zombie apocalypse that has wiped out the entire adult population.”

Great — a world full of unsupervised kids. The zombie apocalypse will be the least of Earth’s problems.

Hooks, Honey, Hotties and Bees

In Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh (1995), Candyman is let out of the mirror in New Orleans on the onset of Mardi Gras, where the public showing of boob is replaced by the public letting of blood.

That stuff is kinda OK, but the cool part is we get to learn Candyman’s backstory. Talk about skeletons in the closet — Candyman (original name Daniel Robitaille), was the artist son of a plantation slave back in the not-so-good ’ol days. Daniel was commissioned by the plantation owner to paint a portrait of Caroline, his hot to trot daughter.

The paint wasn’t even dry before he and Caroline, got busy wid’it. Once news got out that she was knocked up, Daniel was pursued by a white lynch mob, who sawed off his hand and dipped the bleeding stump into honey. (This is also where he got the Candyman name — a kid stepped up, tasted the stump honey and proclaimed, “Candy, man!”) Then bees swarm all over him, looking to repossess said honey. 

The plantation owner holds up a mirror to show Daniel his tortured look before dying. Right before he kicks the honey bucket, he looks into the mirror and says, “Candyman.” This explains how his soul was trapped in the mirror and why he appears whenever you comb your tortured hair/brush your lynch-mobbed teeth and invoke his name.

Lots more plot and sacrifices made on behalf of the hooked hand. And to think all of this started with a taste for forbidden fruit. That’s one helluva sweet tooth Candyman had/has.

Ancient Greek Cow Thing

In Greek mythology (what Greek isn’t mythology?) a Minotaur is a half bull/half man creature that originally dwelt (that’s such a cool word) at the center of the Labyrinth, an elaborate underground maze built for King Minos of Crete (that total penis owes me after I spotted him some drachma), and designed by the architect Daedalus to hold the barnyard curiosity.

He and his son Icarus (that guy in the Iron Maiden song) built it so Minotaur could dwelt in it. They tried to make a movie of this HISTORICALLY-PROVEN FACT, with Tony Todd (Candyman with war paint on his stomach) as the local warlord king who sacrifices teenagers to the Minotaur Cow Thing.

In a nearby village a guy’s girlfriend was taken to be chucked into the Labyrinth. So much for a second date with boobie-feeling privileges. He and a bunch of other villagers break into the castle to find her, only to get themselves in the same can ’o ancient soup. The Minotaur is thinkin’ it’s a restaurant on legs with all the trimmings.

Upstairs, though, the mean king is trying to get busy with his supermodel sister. This girl is so hot she makes Beyoncé look like a cow pie with mascara. But little sister grows tired of Candyman’s nightly attempts to get her to ride the baloney pony. Maddened, he throws the non-putting out mattress candy into the pit with the rest of the losers. Oh sure, there’s some more plot, but none of it matters, especially when there’s an enlarged demonic skull cow charging through the maze to gore people with his horns and hooves of doom.

His frequent attacks look like the heavy metal version of the running of the bulls; You’d expect the Minotaur to look like the Bigfoot business model of a hairy milk cow, but not this time. The Minotaur is all skeletal with evil skin hanging of it and a skull face and horns the size of whaling scrimshaws (harpoons, for all you non-Moby Dick heads). There’s a LOT of screaming. Truth be told, if I was being chased by the Minotaur, I’d make sure that darn thing slips in the adrenaline fluid spraying out of my sprinting backside.

The title creature (Minotaur/2006) is pretty dang cool and is the same one on the DVD box. OK, it might actually be his brother, but they look so much alike as to be twins. And Candyman? Let’s just say, you mess with the bull you get the horn. Heh.

Volumes of Blood

Almost freaked out in my pants when I saw the title Volumes of Blood (2105), which, in my conspiracy theorist addled brain, mistook as a rip-off of horror/fantasy icon Clive Barker’s Books of Blood series (Volumes 1 – 6, 1984 and 1985). You don’t mess with the Clive.

Anyway, after watching the trailer for Volumes of Blood (kinda cool) and admiring the ad sheet (old school cool), my panicked thoughts were suitably calmed. Here’s why: “Five tales of dread are interwoven when a sociology student gathers several of his friends at the local library on Halloween night to help him create a new urban legend with deadly consequences.”

There’s more to it than that and the premise is promising, despite the title getting a little too close for comfort to a modern classic. But it’s proof that few on this planet have the depth of imagination as Clive Barker. And me. Mostly Clive, though.

Even though a handful of the Books of Blood short stories have been adapted for film – some good (Midnight Meat Train/2008, The Forbidden filmed as Candyman/1992) and some still-awful-but-kinda-fun (Rawhead Rex/1986, The Last Illusion filmed as Lord of Illusions/1995) – you’re doing yourself a massive disservice by not grabbing the BoB compilations from Amazon.com and seeing where some groundbreaking horror continues to live.

Big Money Horror Bouts

Before the epic battle of Alien vs. Predator (2004),  there was Freddy vs. Jason (2003), which matched dream date/teen-hater Freddy Krueger with hockey-fan/butcher Jason Voorhees. (Put me in the Alien/Krueger corner; Jason is a one-punchline joke and Predator cheats.)

Everyone quit believing in Freddy Krueger and started worshiping X-box™. Freddy can’t come back from the sleep aether to kill you if you don’t believe (i.e., fear) in him. (This is in reference to the Candyman rules – you don’t say his name five times, he won’t appear and gut you.)

So Freddy has to resurrect the only unstoppable serial killer with a machete and hockey mask who can handle his PR: Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees. I know, there’s hundreds of hockey-masked goons with machetes (NHL). But Jason was the first who mattered.

High body count (makes sense), some obligatory boobies (thank you), terrible plot (but you knew that), and Jason and Freddy getting into a less-than-fulfilling physical argument that escalates into decapitation and was solely designed to cash in ($115 million at the box office). In other words, slasher business as usual.

Hook In Mouth

The Vader-voiced, trench coat wearing, chick magnetizing Candyman is the Barry White of Bogeymen. In Candyman 3: Day of the Dead (1999), his third flick, the hook-handed hunk goes after his great-great-great granddaughter, Bay Watch’s Donna D’Erricho.

 She doesn’t believe in HIM and that makes Candyman very unsociable. So he shoots bees out of his mouth and kills all of her friends with his gut-ripping skills. Been there, stung that.

An interesting angle, which they failed to follow through with, included a cult of stinky Goth Candyman disciples who “believe.” Little more than “look who’s stalking,” C-3 (based in East L.A.!) fails to generate any creepiness. Even the eviscerations are dull.

Tony Todd as Candyman phones it in and, while D’Errico is gorgeous, all she does is run around in tight tank tops which she keeps on at all times. That qualifies as falsie advertising in my book.

Eating Corn With A Pitchfork

As a four-year-old riding on a farm tractor at midnight, plowing the fields (couldn’t it wait until morning?), Tony Todd (Candyman in a previous life) watched his dad get pitch-forked by a demonically possessed scarecrow. At this point we don’t know if the pitchfork was real or just a prop.

When Tony grew up, he wrote numerous books about the forked up cornfield guardian and learned that yes, booze can solve just about all of your problems. He even managed to capture the darn thing, tied it up in said field of corn and keep his shotgun and mind-clearing whiskey at the ready.

Along comes two frat pledges whose job is to steal the scarecrow and bring it back to the dorm (probably to have relations with it). Tony, senses amplified by alcohol, runs out with all guns blazing and shoots one of the kids in the stomach-y area. Through the magic of Art Institute™ special effects, the boy’s soul is sucked into the scarecrow, thereby reanimating it and setting out on a murderous vegetable-esque rampage.

Tony made two mistakes in regards to Scarecrow Slayer (2003): one was starring in it. The second was not having enough booze to blot out this epic career fail.

Candyman: Bee-Grade Horror

Candyman, a former murdered son of a black slave in his pre-folklore days, appears after you look in a mirror and say his name five times. (I tried that using the word “Budweiser™.” Didn’t work.) Those who successfully summon this Man of Candy, always dies an ugly death. Never heard of a pretty death, so that makes sense.

Helen Lyle is a graduate student researching the legend of Candyman in the sprawling, crime-plagued Cabrini-Green area of town. She meets the real legend who tells her she must believe in him. Hey, any guy with a hook for hand and who shoots bees out of his mouth has my full attention.

People become possessed. Dogs get decapitated. Necks get sliced. Blood gets on everything. Bee breath begins to stink. Candyman kidnaps a baby with the intent on not letting it get past Huggies™ and into Underoos™.

Helen makes a deal with Candyman – she’ll carry on his fearful legend and make the surrounding neighborhood crap their pants whenever they hear his name, only if he doesn’t take the baby with him into that junk yard bonfire where he lives.

Helen barely manages to save the kid from the extra-flame-y flames, and ends up dying due to her burnt-toast flesh. Trevor, Helen’s grief-stricken husband, looks in the mirror, all sad and upside-down smiley, and says his wife’s name five times. Do I have to spell it out for you?

A great horror icon in Candyman (1992), what with his happenin’ fur coat, white scarf, hooked hand and mouth bees. He also has a deep voice. I bet he could get a job in radio easy.