Hooks, Honey, Hotties and Bees

In Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh (1995), Candyman is let out of the mirror in New Orleans on the onset of Mardi Gras, where the public showing of boob is replaced by the public letting of blood.

That stuff is kinda OK, but the cool part is we get to learn Candyman’s backstory. Talk about skeletons in the closet — Candyman (original name Daniel Robitaille), was the artist son of a plantation slave back in the not-so-good ’ol days. Daniel was commissioned by the plantation owner to paint a portrait of Caroline, his hot to trot daughter.

The paint wasn’t even dry before he and Caroline, got busy wid’it. Once news got out that she was knocked up, Daniel was pursued by a white lynch mob, who sawed off his hand and dipped the bleeding stump into honey. (This is also where he got the Candyman name — a kid stepped up, tasted the stump honey and proclaimed, “Candy, man!”) Then bees swarm all over him, looking to repossess said honey. 

The plantation owner holds up a mirror to show Daniel his tortured look before dying. Right before he kicks the honey bucket, he looks into the mirror and says, “Candyman.” This explains how his soul was trapped in the mirror and why he appears whenever you comb your tortured hair/brush your lynch-mobbed teeth and invoke his name.

Lots more plot and sacrifices made on behalf of the hooked hand. And to think all of this started with a taste for forbidden fruit. That’s one helluva sweet tooth Candyman had/has.

Vampire Party Night

Transylmania (2009) is a knuckle-headed, horror spoof comedy about a bunch of sex/party/drugs obsessed college students attending a Romanian college for a semester. Homework includes vampires, vampire hunters, a sexy hunchback, body part swapping, and more boobs than you can shake your stake at.

The Razvan University is a castle that, when referred to, makes horses flatulent. Run by an evil dwarf principal whose drop dead gorgeous daughter is a hunchback, the school is also the scene of the vampire Radu’s search for his 500 year-old girlfriend whose soul got sucked into a music box.

One of the teachers, the bloody attractive Teodora Van Sloan, is an ancestor of the great vampire hunter Van Sloan, who did all the past thwarting. Turns out Radu is the spitting image of the perpetually horny American student, Rusty. That they both dress the same on Vampire Party Night isn’t making it easier for anyone.

A music box, when opened, transfers her soul into Lia, the painfully sexy and dumb nympho. This, understandably, causes more scratching of head. Both of ’em. Speaking of heads, a non-partying blonde twin gets her head cut off and her body used to reconfigure hunchback Draguta Floca. Her head manages to live and even admonishes her pot-head boyfriend and look-alike hard-partying sister for hooking up.

Some bonehead comedy, some hilarious bits (farting horses — heh), LOTS of bare naked boobies and micro-Goth bikini underwear. For all its slapsticking, Transylmania really made me re-think my polices on dating gorgeous hunchbacks.

An Even Bigger Godzilla, Evil Ghosts, Sex With Aliens

Bloody-Disgusting.com recently posted the above Godzilla size comparison chart, and it shows just how much bigger G-Man is in Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017), the hit Japanese anime movie released in November.

In the movie, Godzilla is just shy of 1,000 feet tall. The original 1954 Godzilla is 164 feet tall, about the size of the 2017 Godzilla’s leavings. I’d wager no matter what matter passes through his intestinal tract, everything comes out shaped like him. That seems painful. But hey, after decades of being blasted with heavy artillery, Godzilla can take it.

And speaking of recycled extreme burritos, here are a few now-available-for-streaming horror and sci-fi that may or may not have you leaving a Godzilla-sized offering in the ‘ol porcelain charity collection bowl…

ZOMBIES HAVE FALLEN (available now)
“A young woman who possesses the supernatural powers and visions of an upcoming apocalypse is aided by a retired bounty hunter who must protect her from those who wish to use her abilities for evil.”

You don’t need supernatural powers to have visions of all the upcoming apocalypses — that’s what beer and politicians are for.

LOVE & SAUCERS (available now)
“David Huggins lost his virginity to an alien woman — among 100 other E.T. encounters — and chronicled it all in surreal paintings, few of which have ever been seen. This documentary is his story.”

The now-72-years-old Mr. Huggins goes on public record to let everyone know he gave his flower to an alien gal with big boobs when he was 17. Now, 55 years later, he paints pictures (suitable for framing) of this game-changing incident, as well as lots of other “experiences” with extraterrestrials. Let’s hope this movie isn’t rated G.

WAKE THE DEAD (available now)
“After a near death incident leaves Kristin scarred with a terrifying connection to the spirit world, her family attempts to break her free of an evil spirit’s hold.”

Seems kinda stock — evil spirits are so yesterday. Thinking out loud here, but wouldn’t the term “spirit world” be a cool name for a liquor store?

THE GARDEN (available now)
“Horror, euphoria, and madness ensue when Mask encounters a blind stranger with a television fixed to his arm. Dark, esoteric and unforgiving, The Garden subverts traditional narrative and challenges the viewer with intense audiovisual stimulation. Warning, this video may potentially trigger seizures for people with photosensitive epilepsy. Viewer discretion is advised.”

If I had a television hooked up to my arm, I’d never leave the house. As for the movie possibly triggering an epileptic event, that’s one heckuva disclaimer. Let’s hope it doesn’t give anyone a taste for seizure salads.

A Monster’s Monster Truck

Two guys head cross country to attend a wedding. One is a wussy, the other a beer-gutted loudmouth. Along the way a truck straight out of Mad Max (1979) attacks and almost kills them in half. They get back at the truck by peeing in the driver’s seat at a gas station. (This is a long set-up and I simply do not have the time to go into detail about it right now.)

Later, they pick up a scorchingly hot chick in fishnets and loose top whose hitchhiking to nowhere. The loudmouth makes his play, but she’s into the nerd and later de-virginizes him. Four times. But the monster truck is back on their trail and smashes their red station wagon into a Texas pancake.

The loudmouth looks like he got killed by the driver whose mutant face appears to be taped together by industrial staples. The hot chick and nerd find a run-down house and in it a corpse who doesn’t have a stomach cavity, yet can still talk.

The nerd discovers it was all an elaborate trap to get him inside the house as the chick is the mutant monster man and talking corpse’s sister. She’s also a witch, whose spells has kept the corpse alive and yappin’ until she could find another body for her brother.

Monster Man (2003) is freakin’ funnier than all heckaroo. The loudmouth has a ton of great lines (“Dude, I’m a corpse burrito!”) and the chick (who shows one of her boobs — she has a spare) is dripping with hotness. There’s tons of squishy gore, a couple of pencil jabs to the eyes, a town full of amputees (that plays into the story line and are not there for gratuitous reasons) and talking roadkill. And even though it has pee stains, I totally want to drive Monster Man’s truck. You would, too, if only you’d watch this movie.

Inappropriate Aliens

The crew of a cheesy, paranormal TV show in London goes to a remote island farm in Wales to investigate the claims that a young woman and her boyfriend were abducted by aliens, where she was knocked up and returned to her home with two inbred bothers and a dad who can’t speak a lick of any language.

Even though the aliens implanted her with a space fetus with chompy teeth two weeks ago, she’s about to give birth any day now. (Her boyfriend didn’t fare so well as his business class was power probed with a drill. That must’ve pinched.)

Once at the farm, which is situated near Stonehenge-like rock structures called Devil’s Teeth, the crew go about re-enacting the abduction. Then the real aliens show up. From this point it turns into a gleeful splatterfest unlike anything you’ve seen since the genre-bending Dead Alive (1992).

There are UFOs, cattle mutilations, three-boobed female aliens, sexual intercourse (both of this Earth and not of this Earth), lots of f’n swearing, alien dogs, alien death orbs, arms, legs and heads torn off, shotgun blasts to the face, bow and arrows to the neck, death by wheat thrasher and weed whacker. And there’s not just gallons of blood, but swimming pools of it. This just keeps going on and on, and it’s freakin’ hilarious.

Evil Aliens (2005) is smart, gory and goofy, which is why I wade through miles of rancid horror movie garbage while breathing through my mouth, just so I can find ones like this.

Future Sharks and Penguins

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

The plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

The Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

Swappin’ Spit With Mummy

Four Centuries ago Princess Ankahnten — that saucy little minx with fewer morals than me — was mummified for showing her boobs and other stuff involving nakedness. Good thing they moved her top-heavy corpse to Los Angeles where all those supermodels walk the Earth so she can lick up, uh, pick up where she left off.

You see, the Egyptian Sorceress was given a Texas funeral for dabbling in forbidden pleasures of the booty. This was 3,000 years ago, well before the booty was invented. So you can see why it was deemed illegal.

Now, reincarnated through the satanic forces of special effects, the oddly undecomposed (yet hot) Princess Ankahnten is trying to track down the reincarnation of her lost love — a personal comfort device. Um, I mean, ex-girlfriend. Same thing, I suppose.

Connect the dots from there. After a while it all gets boring, but be careful not to get lube all over the remote.

The Nurse Will Slay You Now

Despite its odd but scintillating title, Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy (2009) is a filmed-in-Hungary erotic horror thriller released in the States by Troma where there is no thrill. For the viewer, anyway.

Two lesbian sisters surgically enhance caged supermodels in their jungle fortress in order to create a medical team of anatomically perfect (i.e., lingerie sexy) nurses. They hunt men and goon them out with machetes and other mood-killing weapons.

Lots of bras, boobs, bullets and a sprinkling of blood. If you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m thinkin’ you might be if you’re reading this blog. (You paid full retail price, yes?)

Oddly, this Maniac Nurses drags and has kill sequences so lame as to not be all that tingly. And to think the women’s underwear section of the Sears™ catalog was all it took to get me amped up. Look what watching countless horror movies have done to me. I feel so in the lobby of shame.

Tasty Body Modifications

In the super gory Splatter: Naked Blood (1995), three hot young Asian chicks offer their firmness up to science for an experiment that will be a boon to mankind — a drug that will make them not want to wear bras. OK, that’s not exactly it, but this Japanese movie is sub-titled and I can’t really read.

One chick is unable to sleep, another obsessed with food, the other addicted to clothes and beauty products. In other words, just average chicks. But the woman scientist’s 17-year-old son, a prodigy scientist, has secretly mixed his experimental drug in with his mom’s drug, and it’s unknowingly administered to the hotties. It’s a super endorphin that boosts the brain’s pain-killing chemical and makes everyone happy and not depressed. People, beer can do the same thing without needles or surgery gowns where your butt shows.

The drug’s effect happens almost innocently, with the food chick accidentally cutting her finger while preparing a succulent repast of tempura squid. Sucking the blood out of her wound, she starts to feel…aroused. Staring at a pot of boiling oil on her stove, she gets the idea to dip her hand into the tempura mixture and then deep-fry her hand. Tempura cooks quickly (about two to three minutes, or until golden brown) and she’s ready to take a bite.

Therein lies the movie’s genius plot: the endorphin chemical turns pain into sexual pleasure. (Now you know why we drink beer.) What began as a slow-moving flick about nothing suddenly turns down a dark road, with the food chick — fork and knife in hand and sitting on the dinner table half naked — starts cutting bite-sized morsels out of the area normally used for outgoing mail. Then she feasts upon said bite-sized morsels.

Seeing her reflection in the knife blade, she gets another idea: stab said eye with said fork and force it out with said knife. All of this, it should be noted, is done without the camera moving away and is brutally and realistically graphic. So much so, it’ll probably turn you off to eating your own eye.

And the scientist mom? Someone cut a portal so big in her gut as to allow her dead husband to crawl into. (Don’t ask — just watch.) The gore is magnificent and lives up to the movie’s title of splattering and being naked, so really, the plot is all but there to pass the time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a hankerin’ for some elbow macaroni.

Nightmare Man Is A Nightmare, Man

Nightmare Man (2006) is a patience-testing clichéd pile of movie droppings involving a big-boobed woman who believes a satanic nightmare monster creature man-thing is trying to feel her up. Spoiler: he is.

In a brilliant plot twist, the car taking her to an asylum by her husband runs out of gas out in the middle of nowhere. He gets out to walk/jog mildly 10 miles back to the nearest gas station, leaving her alone and screamy. Yawn if you’ve heard this before.

N-Man is in the trunk, chases her through the woods where she happens across a house with two teen couples partying. They take her in, only to become part of Nightmare Man’s plan, which is to kill everyone. The only shift in a very predictable direction comes when Ellen (the screamy big-boobed woman) turns out to be a succubus and makes hubby pay for his going AWOL (he had it planned all along). That she looks like a frat house Halloween costume is but sprinkles on a crap cake.

Yeah, Nightmare Man was intended as a dark comedy and some people liked it. I am not one of them. And I want my 90 minutes back, or the grocery coupon equivalent. But if the big-boobed woman would put ’em on the glass one more time, I’ll let it go.