Archive for Spiders

Spiders, Ghosts & Ancient Evil

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rupture

Another handful of upcoming flicks to get your seasonal horror on. Be warned – each of these movies want you to pay to see ’em. I know, right? Totally. Messed. Up.

RUPTURE (pending 2017)
“A single mom is violently kidnapped by a group of strangers. In an anonymous laboratory she is tied up and questioned about her medical history, including her pronounced fear of spiders. The captors explain that a genetic abnormality can potentially allow her to ‘rupture,’ revealing her own true alien nature.”

Did they just give away the whole movie? Sounds to me like she’s gonna pop and out will come a million billion spiders. And as the Mother of Spiders, that’s a lot of diapers to change.

The Eyes of My Mother

THE EYES OF MY MOTHER (December 2, 2016)
“In their secluded farmhouse, a mother – formerly a surgeon in Portugal – teaches her daughter, Francisca, to understand anatomy and be unfazed by death. Francisca’s loneliness and scarred nature converge years later when her longing to connect with the world around her takes on a dark form.”

Yep, she’s gonna become a hippie.

Dead Awake

DEAD AWAKE (October 2016)
“A young woman who must save herself and her friends from an ancient evil that stalks its victims through the terrifying real-life phenomenon of sleep paralysis.”

I have a hard time reconciling sleep paralysis with not wanting to get out of bed. And the ancient evil they’re talking about? That’s when you’re right in the middle of a cool sleep paralysis dream and you have to get up to pee.

Shortwave

SHORTWAVE
“Josh and Isabel Harris, after suffering the loss of their only child, relocate to a secluded research facility with the hopes of repairing their broken family. After years of trying, Josh and his research partner, Thomas, have a breakthrough involving a cryptic shortwave radio signal and its universal origins. Something within the signal resonates with Isabel and she begins experiencing seeming hallucinations and visions of distant memories. Upon further investigation into the phenomenon, the scientists fear for Isabel’s health while Isabel fears the signal has attracted something sinister to their new home.”

I liked it better when it was called White Noise (2005).

Finding Fantastic Beasts

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is a return to the universe of Harry Potter by creator/mega-billionaire J.K. Rowling. It started out a book in 2001, but because of Rowling’s history of turning anti-Christian sentiments into box office gold (good for her), it’s to be a movie as well, due out in November of 2016. Why they’re plugging it now (December, 2015 – 11 months before it comes out – obviously means they need time to license premium toy tie-ins. (One can never have too much money.)

Still, as cool as the concept seems, it feels like a half-baked crossover. Then again, I didn’t read the book as I gave up reading once TV was invented. And hey, if I wanna find a fantastic beast, all I have to do is look in a mirror. Heh.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

But we’ve already seen a pile of mythical monsters in the Harry Potter movies – a giant three-headed dog that takes craps the size of giant spiders; Giant spiders that talk and eat human meatloaf; A parrot that bursts into flames like a defective bottle rocket; Centaurs that cover the forest floor with recycled apples; Bulimic werewolves with 3% body fat who binge and purge every full moon; Dragons (aka, flying BBQs); Bird/horse hybrids that chow down on raw ferret as if woodland sushi; Mail-carrying owls (delivering late as to emulate real postal service); Talking snakes (they pronounce “s’’’s really well); And 15-foot trolls with I.Qs around that of your average movie blogger. So what else could they possibly bring to the table?

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Glad you asked. Here’s a few fantastic beast copyright worthy ideas: Ghost Monkeys – they fling zoo poo at you and then disappear, much to the delight of everyone not covered in you know what. Land Crabs that cause itching that can’t be stopped, even with generously applied pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxides. Sea Bats that look like seagulls – they steal your french fries and peck your neck. Giant turtles that shoot flames out their… Oh, wait – that one’s been done.

J.K. Rowling – please contact me for licensing rights. Bring your 10-ton checkbook.

Sex Monster and Barnyard Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It Follows

A couple of upcoming new ones that look old. But they’re not. They’re new. For reals.

First up is It Follows, due out March 13, 2015, probably before lunch, but definitely after breakfast. It involves a young girl who is plagued by nightmarish visions after an “innocent sexual encounter” in the back seat of a car.

OK, no sexual encounters are innocent. That’s what organized religion tries to drill into our horn dog brains. Secondly, who hasn’t had nightmarish visions after hooking up? Think Lair of the White Worm (1988) and go from there.

ANYWAY…after said hook up, 19-year-old Jay (chick with a dude’s name) can’t shake the sensation that someone – or something – is following her. As the threat closes in, Jay and her friends must somehow escape the horrors that are only a few steps behind.

I bet it’s organized religion.

The Barn

An old school treatment for The Barn arrives October 1, 2015 in the form of some of those cool illustrated ’80s style horror movie posters. And the plot feels right out of that era as well. Behold…

“It’s Halloween 1989. Best friends Sam and Josh are trying to enjoy what’s left of their final Devil’s Night before graduating high school. But trouble arises when the two pals and a group of friends take a detour on their way to a rock concert, finding an old abandoned barn and awakening the evil inside.

Now it’s up to Sam and Josh to find a way to protect their friends and defeat the creatures that lurk within “The Barn.”

One can barely imagine the horrible creatures in a barn: pigs, horses, cows, rats, bugs, snakes, spiders, poisonous squirrels, stink beetles, electric eels…

Could this be the Old MacDonald version of Night of the Demons (1988)? I will ponder that over a nice breakfast of barn eggs, barn sausage and horse apples. OK, probably not that last one.

Spider: Made By Volkswagon

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spiders

What started as an anemic sci-fi yawnfest, Spiders (2000) turned into a goopy killfest almost worthy of a video store rental fee.

Three college paranormal investigators working for the school newspaper witness the crash of the space shuttle. Mutated spiders made it fall from the ozone after eating the brains of the occupants (Astro – nots. Ha!).

Spiders

The infected bodies are taken to a secret military base, and the news-minded team infiltrate because the truth is in there somewhere. A lot of yackety-yacking until one of the reporters gets bitten by a spider that bursts out of an expired skull and the splatter starts to matter.

Spiders

The killer bug grows to the size of a Volkswagen Beetle™, and oh what a tangled web he weaves. Super spidey breaks out of the army base and goes on a casual rampage through the college campus where it further expands to the size of a mutated Volkswagen Beetle™. The monster bug crushes cars, smashes buildings and eats undergraduates.

Spiders

One surviving military guy and the hot chick reporter get in a helicopter conveniently parked near the college and, using bazookas, blast the bug into spider spaghetti. The star chick is really hot, but she blows many an opportunity to distract the spider by taking her top off. When will humans ever learn?

All in all, satisfactory fun if you can fast forward through the first half.

Spiders