Archive for blood

Pre-Teen Vampires, Evil Again, Alternate Worlds

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire fans will be thrilled to the jugular that Let The Right One In, the stunning 2008 Hall of Fame vamp classic, is now a series on Showtime™, premiering October 7, 2022. You’ll have to hit up Dracula for his password — or pay subscribe — to watch it. Here’s the series’ premise…

“Mark and his daughter Eleanor’s lives were changed forever 10 years earlier when she was turned into a vampire. Seemingly frozen in time at the age of 12, Eleanor has lived a closed-in life, able to go out only at night, while her father does his best to provide her with the human blood she needs to stay alive. Now they’ve returned home to New York City, desperate to find a cure.”

I’m in, especially after watching the trailer, which teases additional vampires sucking up some action. And looking forward to seeing Demián Bichir as the dad. He was power-mad Apex CEO Walter Simmons in Godzilla vs Kong (2021). Too bad Mecha-Godzilla permanently laid him off. (Oh, crap — that was a spoiler; sorry to anyone reading this who hasn’t seen GvK. On that note, why haven’t you seen GvK? What is wrong with you?)

Until you can figure out how to skate around Let The Right One In series without coughing up a coin purse-squeezing $10.99 a month (with 7-day free trial), here are a few upcoming horror movies that you may or may not let in…

DEVIL’S WORKSHOP / September 20, 2022 VOD

Struggling actor Clayton is desperate for a role as a demonologist. He contacts Eliza, an expert in devil lore, to help him prepare and spends the weekend at her home. Eliza forces Clayton to confront his troubling past, perform dark rituals, and sacrifice a goat. Does she want to help Clayton, seduce him — or destroy him? The shocking climax will set your soul ablaze.”

A couple ’o things: Aren’t all struggling actors desperate and have troubling pasts? Aren’t all chicks experts in devil lore and goat sacrifice? Has any horror movie’s “shocking” climax ever set your soul ablaze? Not seeing a reason to waste valuable horizontal couch time on this one.

AMONG THE LIVING / October 4, 2022 (VOD) November 8, 2022 (Blu-ray)

“Stranded in the countryside in the aftermath of a deadly outbreak, older brother Harry fights to protect his younger sister, Lily, while he desperately searches to find refuge with their father. Harry and Lily are determined to survive their journey as they strive to avoid an infected population with a thirst for blood as well as the greater threat of other survivors.”

Why is it in every zombie movie people embark on a journey with the undead just waiting for the restaurant to open? Why not hole up in the nearest Motel 6™, raid the mini bar and crank the tunes until the Apocalypse is over? And as if it needs to be said a’loud, is this not the same plot as 99% of all zombie movies ever made in the history of the Multiverse?

SATANIC HISPANICS / Release pending 2022/2023

“When police raid a house in El Paso, they find it full of dead Latinos  — and only one survivor. He’s known as The Traveler. When they take him to the station for questioning, he tells them those lands are full of magic and talks about the horrors he’s encountered in his long time on this earth, about portals to other worlds, mythical creatures, demons, and the undead.”

Before you call Satanic Hispanics title blatantly racist, know that this anthology was made by five different Latino filmmakers. Conversely, if this horror omnibus was made by Republicans

SINPHONY: A CLUBHOUSE HORROR ANTHOLOGY / October 21, 2022 (VOD)

SINPHONY’s shocking stories include an innkeeper’s growing concern about his secretive new guests; a contractor who inhales mold spores that lead to murder; a couple confronting the fact that one of them is a ghost; a witch protecting her child from a killer; a dance craze that has dire consequences, and much more.”

They had me up until “dance craze with dire consequences.” ALL dance crazes have dire consequences. Case in point — where did all those “Macarena” idiots end up? Stick to the timeless “Chicken Dance” and you’ll be fine.

Bookended By Godzilla, Zombie Blood, Alien Park Job

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Looking for a Christmas present to buy for me this year? I already took care of your shopping — go to Etsy.com and click over to Mokushop’s, um, shop, and you’ll find awesome, under $70 custom wooden hand-chiseled bookends.

Kraken

With TV around, I don’t do books, so you’ll have to buy me some to go with ‘em as well. But for a chance to own either the Godzilla and/or Kraken (giant octopus) bookends, it might be worth my time to learn how to read.

Godzilla Coloring Book

These things are “extremely limited”, so you’ll have to hurry, Don’t worry about wrapping ‘em as I’ll already know what they are. Thanks for the thought, though. Very Christmas-y of you.

While I wait for you to ship the bookends to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth as much as chiseled wood…

Christmas Blood

CHRISTMAS BLOOD (December 4, 2018)
Christmas is a time of peace, love and family. But not for Norway as a psychopath dressed in a Santa Claus suit has been terrorizing them for the past 13 years. For as soon as the caroling starts, this demented Kris Kringle dispenses bloody ax blows regardless of whether you’ve been bad or good. As the holiday approaches on one snow-covered town filled with revelers, a pair of detectives work against time to find and arrest this bearded serial killer. Will they manage to stop this demented St. Nick before he kills again?”

As of this holiday season, there are 100,000 horror movies about serial killer/psychopath Santa Claus killers. Know what I want for Christmas for a change? No more of these same-plot movies.

Attraction

ATTRACTION (December 4, 2018)
Moscow finds itself on the brink of destruction after a mysterious spaceship crash-lands in the center of the city. While the government seeks to find out what the ship’s passengers want and how to protect the local population, the rest of the city residents break into conflicting factions. Some view the aliens as a threat that should be extinguished, while others hope that the visitors are peaceful and offer an opportunity to learn more about the world beyond. When a young woman finds herself torn between her seemingly normal life and the alluring promise offered by one of the all-too-human extraterrestrials, the fate of the entire world is left hanging in the balance.”

A social commentary on immigrants or a poorly-named sci-fi movie about aliens parking downtown wherever they want? You already know the answer.

Johnny Z

JOHNNY Z (2019)
“A half human, half zombie named Johnny, holds the cure to the zombie epidemic. After escaping Nordac, an experimental medical prison, Johnny comes under the guidance of a martial arts Grandmaster named Jonray who agrees under a dying wish to protect and embarks on a journey to find a missing doctor while battling personal demons.”

Sounds like Johnny Z is just another name for Murphy, the half human/half zombie in Z Nation zombie apocalypse TV series on the SyFy™ Channel whose inner gunk holds the cure for un-zombie-ing. Wonder if they’re blood brothers?

The Vanishing

THE VANISHING (2019)
“On an uninhabited island 20 miles from the rugged Scottish coast, three lighthouse keepers arrive for their six week shift. As Thomas, James and Donald settle into their usual, solitary routines, something unexpected and potentially life-changing occurs — they stumble upon something that isn’t theirs to keep. Where did it come from? Who does it belong to? A boat appears in the distance that might hold the answer to these questions. What follows is a tense battle for survival as personal greed replaces loyalty — and fed by isolation and paranoia, three honest men are led down a path to destruction.”

They don’t say what it is they discovered. But after a minimum amount of thought, it can only be one thing for a the isolated men on that remote island; a supermodel.

This Slayer Is Not Metal

Posted in Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , on October 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Slayer

In the lazily-titled Slayer (2006) vampires are wrecking the Rain Forest. They’re wrecking blood-enriched necks, too. What the heck — vampires are wrecking everything.

Slayer

Which is why Casper Van Dien, in all his discount thespian glory, must lead his military group into the jungle to shoot them in the face, one of whom is his military BFF whose been suckified. But since Casper knows as much about vampires as he does acting, his efforts are unsuccessful. 

Was there something else you needed to know?

A World of Vampires

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Daybreakers

The world is a vampire. Literally. It’s 2019. Ten years ago, an unexplained plague turned those that leak blood into those that drink blood. Oh sure, there are a few humans left, but they’re pretty much cows the vampires milk dry. So much so, the world is just about out of the sweet red body sauce. 

Daybreakers

Edward Dalton is a blood scientist who has been trying for six years to come up with a human blood substitute. His latest batch made a test subject explode. BLAMMO —   vampire guts all over the walls and floors, as if the room itself was mortally injured. Dalton won’t drink human blood because he’s against wiping out an entire species. What a wuss. In the human world, we’d call him a people-hugger.

Daybreakers

One night he helps an SUV full of humans evade the cops. They later track him down in hopes he can help them find a cure for vampirism. (Yeah — it’s called a stake through the heart, b*tch!)

Daybreakers

Elvis is a classic car restorer and part of the vampire resistance movement who, when in bloodsucker form years ago, went joy-riding in the daylight and crashed, his body flaming the second he went Superman-ing through the windshield. The accident, while hurting like hell, transformed Elvis back into a human. Dalton needs to recreate that event in order to find a way out of this sucking of blood business. He has to hurry as the military — led by his vampire brother — and a near-rioting society is breathing down his back.

DaybreakersIf you’re starved of human blood and all its deliciousness, you slowly revert into a primal state vampire, one of pure aggression, a mummified body, leathery bat wings, and unpleasant butt breath. These creatures, called Subsiders, are so hungry they feed on fellow vampires, which speeds up the mutation process.

Daybreakers

Through it all, though, Daybreakers (2009) left you wanting more and less. More, as in Subsiders. Less, as in talking. Don’t get me wrong; Daybreakers is a visual stunner and has some killer graphic gore; Subsiders are chained and pulled out into the sunlight, where they ignite like campfire marshmallows. I just wanted to see more of the Subsiders making a cherry pie out of your face. If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to make a screaming, angry man-bat, put it to work chowing down on neck sandwiches. The rest will write itself.

A Mouthful of Tongues

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sixteen Tongues

I watched Sixteen Tongues (1999), a pseudo-intellectual, cyberpunk porn sci-fi, twice and still didn’t understand it. OK, I get the porn part, but the rest is pseudo-intellectual bull pucky.

Sixteen Tongues

Here’s what I pieced together: In the future a cop, horribly damaged by an explosion, is patched back together using the tongues of 16 people. An understatement to say he looks…unusual. He also makes people (male and female) pleasure him orally, then shoots them in the head. At no point did he read them their rights.

Sixteen Tongues

He lives in a seedy hotel next door to two shaved ladies, one into men, the other not, but both into each other. One is a horny Asian assassin with a freak fetish, the other a techno-junkie, on the search for a killer.

Sixteen Tongues

The horny assassin visits tongue man next door and she pleasures him with her tongue. He thanks her by not shooting her in the head, but leaves an oil slick of blood all over her chest as a souvenir of their first romantic moment. What a gentleman.

Sixteen Tongues

From there I lost the narrative. Hardcore porn plays on the TV around the clock but it’s blurred just enough to get a NR-rating. (That stands for No Refund.) In the end, a pretentious indie film made by people who don’t even know themselves what the movie is about.

The Boogeyman Should Blow His Nose

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boogeyman 2

Nine year-old Laura and her 11 year-old brother Henry witnessed the serial killer known as the  Boogeyman use their parents’ necks for a place to put his knife while adjusting his killer (ahem) black hood. Personally, I would’ve put the knife in the dishwasher.

Boogeyman 2

Ten years in and out of a mental institution dealing with their life-crippling fear of the dark and all things Boogeymen, Henry and Laura are still being counseled by a “face your fears, you pussies” medical director. Joining them are  five other pre-adults dealing with their mental clogged toilet: bugs under the skin, fear of being in public, fear of getting fat, fear of germs… (What — no fear of non-alcoholic beer?)

Boogeyman 2Laura is a screaming hottie, with emphasis on screaming, now that the therapy has failed and the Boogeyman is back to finish what he started a decade ago. Everyone is being dispatched by the thing they fear the most. One kid gets chopped in half by an elevator. (I take the stairs, so that entertained me.) One girl with a fear of bugs gets maggots poured into open wounds. (I don’t have open wounds, so again, highly entertaining.) Additional deaths are just as creative and enjoyable.

Boogeyman 2

While the first half of Boogeyman 2 (2007) is boring horror crap (the premise is the same as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), the second half delivers some excellent gore and a “sex-while-standing-up” scene. (Not as comfortable as it looks.)

Boogeyman 2

The Boogeyman himself isn’t a supernatural entity, though they try to make you believe otherwise. If you can’t guess who/what/he/she is by the half-hour mark, you need to have maggots poured into your open wounds. Even as clichéd as it is, this sequel is slightly better than the first Boogeyman (2005), whose main evil character just wasn’t that attractive.

Descent Into Double Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Descent: Part 2

The Descent: Part 2 (2009), picks up where The Descent (2005) left off, with Sarah Carter, the lone survivor of the women-only subterranean shopping trip/cannibal fest, is in the hospital, unable to recall the horrific events that left her friends eaten alive by sightless cave creatures.

The Descent: Part 2

Meanwhile, a police search party, led by professional underground explorers with cool flashlights and glow sticks, is under way. The sheriff, though, finds out the blood Sarah was covered with didn’t leak out of any of her primary orifices, but rather one of the friends whose bodies they can’t seem to find. Because she was only banged up by the Crawlers, Sarah is deemed cave-worthy, and is forced BY LAW to return to the vast Appalachian underground cave system to look for survivors. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

The Descent: Part 2

A creaky elevator in an abandoned mine shaft takes the sheriff and his female cop, three pro-cave climbers and Sarah into the pits of Purgatory. It’s not long before they find the rat-chewed body of one of the women. This freaks out Sarah and her memory comes rushing back. Time to get the hell outta Hell. She takes off, leaving the others to fend for themselves. And all the while that eerie clicking noise made by the Crawlers is getting closer.

The Descent: Part 2

The creature attacks are well-staged, with those blind, hairless, naked and hungry flesh-eaters (i.e., Goth fans) coming out of nowhere. The trick is to not make any noise as the beasts track by sound. Hard to do that when your neck croissant is bitten and your blood spraying like a shower nozzle. A gun shot triggers a cave-in, and all are separated. For the Crawlers this is good news as their meals are better when served ala carte.

The Descent: Part 2

What makes Descent 2 decent (heh) is the added twists. It could’ve been a cookie-cutter slaughterfest and you’d be suitably gleeful. But they took it to the next level with “you didn’t see it coming” swerves. Suffice to say, there are killer (ahem) gory/goon-out moments, and one particularly nasty scene, which finds Sarah and the lady cop in a pool of fetid water. Turns out it wasn’t a pool after all, but an outhouse. Or would that be an in-house since it’s essentially indoors? I must ponder that over a bowl of black lumpy oatmeal.

The Descent: Part 2

One more clever twist sets up the escape sequence, which leaves the cave wide open for another sequel. Watch The Descent: Part 2 — it’ll scare the hole outta you. 

Eviler Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987) is a sort of sequel/re-telling of the first movie with Ash, the morning-after lone survivor of the evil dead onslaught, having to go through one more night of relentless Three Stooges styled demon attacks and spraying body fluids.

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

Joining him are several guests related to the evil cabin’s previous owner (whose demon-bloated wife is hanging out in the cellar). It’s here we get more of a back-story on the skin-covered Necronomicon (first edition), which is missing some pages needed to throw down some incantation action to stop the madness. They’ll need those pages as Ash’s hand is possessed and is needing a chainsaw manicure.

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

The incantation opens up a swirling hurricane portal where evil is sucked back to whence it came. Ash and his awesome 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale are also transported back in time o 1300 A.D., where locals are being body-shamed by Deadites. If you’re a fan of the Evil Dead series, you know this is the beginning of Army of Darkness (1992), the sequel. If you didn’t know that, then I don’t know YOU.

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

Great demons, demon humor, demon blood, demon possession and demon black gunk coming out of possessed holes. And Ash’s chainsaw prosthetic means he’s handi-capable and can handle it. Heh.

A Family of Teeth and Fur

Posted in Classic Horror, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood

In the painfully low-budget Blood (1973), a highly impatient Dr. Lawrence and Regina Orlovsky, a pseudo aristocratic couple, travel by some sort of boat from 1899 Europe to 1899 America in order for Lawrence to continue his doctor-esque research. Assisting is Carrie and Orlando, a married couple. Orlando doesn’t have legs (“accident”) and Carrie, whose right leg is infected by something…icky. She doesn’t have long to do the two-step. Also on board is the cadaverous and mute Carlotta, whose being used as food for Regina.

Blood

Turns out Lawrence is the son of Lawrence Talbot, the Wolf Man. And Regina is the daughter of Count Dracula. And they’re in America to check on his inheritance (which is running out), and to cultivate carnivorous plants that produce a serum that Larry injects into Regina every time she starts to melt from being out in the sunlight. Doesn’t help that Regina is constantly melting, whining and complaining, and is pretty much a spoiled vampire.

Blood

Going by the name of Lawrence Orlovsky, he shows up his attorney’s office, demanding a look-see at the books. Turns out the “lawyer” has been embezzling from the inheritance and funneling the cash into shell companies that go bankrupt, but pay off directly to his own pocket. Warning: do NOT try and steal from a guy who could bite your face off and crap it out on the neighbor’s lawn.

Blood

The very cute and single Prudence Towers works as the lawyer’s assistant and spills the books to Lawrence during a graveyard visit to pay respects to his wolfy dad. (And no, the headstone was not shaped like a fire hydrant.) Even though he’s married, he uses his animal charms to lock lips with Prudence amongst the romantic graveyard. Their clinch is busted by Petra, an old non-hygienic woman with rotted teeth, who is the cemetery attendant. She knows Larry’s dad’s secret. And she knows his secret as well, using it to blackmail money and/or jewels from the Orlovskys, which she’ll hopefully use to buy toothpaste.

Blood

The man-eating plants are growing out of control. Carrie’s leg needs to be chopped off. Regina cuts off the hand of Petra, who showed up demanding extortion funds. Prudence is sucked dry after a jealous Regina finds out about the mortuary make-out session in the dead zone. Lawrence can’t take the pressure and wolfs up, demanding they all abandon ship and head back to Europe, setting fire to everything to cover their tracks. This does not work for Regina and she gets her fang on to do battle with her leg-lifting husband with flame-y flames heating things up.

Blood

An odd yet oddly intriguing movie, Blood feels like a thrown-together mess, but the ending is one of those moments of genius that only makes sense once you sit through the entire thing. P.S. Don’t go near the cannibal plants — just ask Orlando and Carrie’s legs.

Mutual Mutilation

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , on January 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Black House

Here’s a fun and educational thing to do: watch an insurance adjuster process fraudulent claims! (OK, I’m being a smidge douche-y here, but work with me.) Jeon Jun-oh is an insurance investigator who checks out people who kill their own family members for cash. That’s probably not a cool thing to do.

Black House

Once such guy is filing a claim on behalf of his son’s suicide. The police won’t help Jeon prove it was a murder for some silly reason. And the movie drags on and on. Then something horribly fun happens. Arms are put under industrial paper cutters. Eyes and mouths are stitched up without anesthetic. Stabbings occur to the stomach area. Keys get plunged into eyeballs. Black House (aka, Geomeun jip/2007) is way dull until the last ten minutes, then all holy WTF breaks loose.

Black House

The weird guy whom Jeon thought was trying to collect the insurance money was actually acting weird for a reason: someone cut off his arms! No more pouring your own cereal. Jeon’s girlfriend gets abducted because he’s too close to THE TRUTH. A quick search leads him to a veritable human slaughter house that’d give the guy in Saw (2004) a warm fuzzy feeling in his tummy.

Black House

The plot is sluggish (made even more tedious with the Korean sub-titles) and stretching things. (People killing people for insurance money? Come on — that stuff doesn’t happen in real life.) But the ending sequence is deliciously gruesome with body parts laying around like festive decorations and such. And I mean that in a delightful way.