Guitar Monster, Tunnel Monster, Space Monster

If you’re a fan or horror movies and guitars, then you’ll totally want Deathgrips™, a monster/creature hand that’s actually a guitar wall hanger. And if you don’t have a guitar, you can hang other things on ‘em, like rubber bands, a clean bathing suit or leftover spaghetti. But mostly guitars.

The downright cool guitar hangars are designed by Gabe Escamilla and available on his Etsy™ store, the world’s largest garage sale: “Deathgrips™ are wall-mounted monster hand hangers designed to hang guitars and a variety of other items…wherever you need a hand.” 

“Original creature designs are sculpted with intricate detail and scaled to life-size. Each one is individually resin-cast in custom molds that leave no parting lines. Special-effects painting techniques are applied to hand-painted versions: shadows, blood, custom fur application… They can hold most acoustic, electric and heavy bass guitars. Also violins and ukes! Guitar hanging area is coated with a thin layer of clear rubber to add a protective cushion.”

Prices for the cleverly-titled, fully-painted hangars are a bit lofty (most expensive: 148.87£ = $184.09 US), but you can get unfinished versions for $72.59 and colorize to your liking. But c’mon — you know your life won’t be complete without at least five of ‘em.

While go to the store and buy YET ANOTHER guitar to hang on the wall, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not complete your life…

CIRCLE LINE / January 5, 2023 (Theaters/Singapore)

“Trapped in the underground train tunnel system, a single mother’s resolve to protect her son is tested to the extreme as both of them are the few remaining survivors of an attack by a monster. Meanwhile in the control room, duty engineers fight desperately to rescue the trapped survivors.”

Of course mutant lizard/rat hybrid monster is underground. Where else his it gonna live — besides in my neighborhood?

ALIVE / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

“Helen navigates a ravaged world with her boyfriend Kevin and her little brother Barney. Desperate to find help after Barney’s infection slowly turns him into a zombie, they come upon a house where lives Dan, a man harboring a heavy secret.”

I know Dan’s secret — he’s got a really bad cold…and doesn’t care who he passes it onto, thereby infecting everybody within sneezing range. Dan is a dick.

SPACE MONSTER MANGWAGWI / January 2023 (Blu-ray)

“Aliens from another world seeking the conquest of Earth invade with flying saucers. They unleash a gigantic monster called Wangmagwi, that destroys everything in its path. The Air Force, led by ace pilot Oh Jeong-hwan, is dispatched, but can do little in such still heavily-populated areas. Wangmagwi deploys a powerful death ray, melting entire buildings, forcing Oh Jeong-hwan to finally take action. But will he be able to stop the titanic behemoth once and for all?”

South Korea’s Space Monster Wangmagwi came out in 1967 and was thought to be lost after the fact. Now its finally un-lost and being made available on physical media for the first time in the history of television, which I’m pretty sure wasn’t even invented until 1970. Regardless, technology to the rescue once again.

THE UFO MOVIE THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A documentary showing the real science behind today’s UFO phenomenon. Why are they talking about UFOs in Congress? What’s behind all these videos? And most important of all: Are we being visited?”

Not surprisingly, I can easily answer all these questions. 1. Why are people in Congress talking about UFOs? To distract from all their non-accomplishments, political scandals and f’d in the b-hole party extremism. 2. What’s behind all these videos? Someone with a camera. 3. Are we being visited? Yes. And they come bearing cookies.

Pre-Teen Vampires, Evil Again, Alternate Worlds

Vampire fans will be thrilled to the jugular that Let The Right One In, the stunning 2008 Hall of Fame vamp classic, is now a series on Showtime™, premiering October 7, 2022. You’ll have to hit up Dracula for his password — or pay subscribe — to watch it. Here’s the series’ premise…

“Mark and his daughter Eleanor’s lives were changed forever 10 years earlier when she was turned into a vampire. Seemingly frozen in time at the age of 12, Eleanor has lived a closed-in life, able to go out only at night, while her father does his best to provide her with the human blood she needs to stay alive. Now they’ve returned home to New York City, desperate to find a cure.”

I’m in, especially after watching the trailer, which teases additional vampires sucking up some action. And looking forward to seeing Demián Bichir as the dad. He was power-mad Apex CEO Walter Simmons in Godzilla vs Kong (2021). Too bad Mecha-Godzilla permanently laid him off. (Oh, crap — that was a spoiler; sorry to anyone reading this who hasn’t seen GvK. On that note, why haven’t you seen GvK? What is wrong with you?)

Until you can figure out how to skate around Let The Right One In series without coughing up a coin purse-squeezing $10.99 a month (with 7-day free trial), here are a few upcoming horror movies that you may or may not let in…

DEVIL’S WORKSHOP / September 20, 2022 VOD

Struggling actor Clayton is desperate for a role as a demonologist. He contacts Eliza, an expert in devil lore, to help him prepare and spends the weekend at her home. Eliza forces Clayton to confront his troubling past, perform dark rituals, and sacrifice a goat. Does she want to help Clayton, seduce him — or destroy him? The shocking climax will set your soul ablaze.”

A couple ’o things: Aren’t all struggling actors desperate and have troubling pasts? Aren’t all chicks experts in devil lore and goat sacrifice? Has any horror movie’s “shocking” climax ever set your soul ablaze? Not seeing a reason to waste valuable horizontal couch time on this one.

AMONG THE LIVING / October 4, 2022 (VOD) November 8, 2022 (Blu-ray)

“Stranded in the countryside in the aftermath of a deadly outbreak, older brother Harry fights to protect his younger sister, Lily, while he desperately searches to find refuge with their father. Harry and Lily are determined to survive their journey as they strive to avoid an infected population with a thirst for blood as well as the greater threat of other survivors.”

Why is it in every zombie movie people embark on a journey with the undead just waiting for the restaurant to open? Why not hole up in the nearest Motel 6™, raid the mini bar and crank the tunes until the Apocalypse is over? And as if it needs to be said a’loud, is this not the same plot as 99% of all zombie movies ever made in the history of the Multiverse?

SATANIC HISPANICS / Release pending 2022/2023

“When police raid a house in El Paso, they find it full of dead Latinos  — and only one survivor. He’s known as The Traveler. When they take him to the station for questioning, he tells them those lands are full of magic and talks about the horrors he’s encountered in his long time on this earth, about portals to other worlds, mythical creatures, demons, and the undead.”

Before you call Satanic Hispanics title blatantly racist, know that this anthology was made by five different Latino filmmakers. Conversely, if this horror omnibus was made by Republicans…

SINPHONY: A CLUBHOUSE HORROR ANTHOLOGY / October 21, 2022 (VOD)

“SINPHONY’s shocking stories include an innkeeper’s growing concern about his secretive new guests; a contractor who inhales mold spores that lead to murder; a couple confronting the fact that one of them is a ghost; a witch protecting her child from a killer; a dance craze that has dire consequences, and much more.”

They had me up until “dance craze with dire consequences.” ALL dance crazes have dire consequences. Case in point — where did all those “Macarena” idiots end up? Stick to the timeless “Chicken Dance” and you’ll be fine.

Bookended By Godzilla, Zombie Blood, Alien Park Job

Looking for a Christmas present to buy for me this year? I already took care of your shopping — go to Etsy.com and click over to Mokushop’s, um, shop, and you’ll find awesome, under $70 custom wooden hand-chiseled bookends.

With TV around, I don’t do books, so you’ll have to buy me some to go with ‘em as well. But for a chance to own either the Godzilla and/or Kraken (giant octopus) bookends, it might be worth my time to learn how to read.

These things are “extremely limited”, so you’ll have to hurry, Don’t worry about wrapping ‘em as I’ll already know what they are. Thanks for the thought, though. Very Christmas-y of you.

While I wait for you to ship the bookends to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth as much as chiseled wood…

CHRISTMAS BLOOD (December 4, 2018)
“Christmas is a time of peace, love and family. But not for Norway as a psychopath dressed in a Santa Claus suit has been terrorizing them for the past 13 years. For as soon as the caroling starts, this demented Kris Kringle dispenses bloody ax blows regardless of whether you’ve been bad or good. As the holiday approaches on one snow-covered town filled with revelers, a pair of detectives work against time to find and arrest this bearded serial killer. Will they manage to stop this demented St. Nick before he kills again?”

As of this holiday season, there are 100,000 horror movies about serial killer/psychopath Santa Claus killers. Know what I want for Christmas for a change? No more of these same-plot movies.

ATTRACTION (December 4, 2018)
“Moscow finds itself on the brink of destruction after a mysterious spaceship crash-lands in the center of the city. While the government seeks to find out what the ship’s passengers want and how to protect the local population, the rest of the city residents break into conflicting factions. Some view the aliens as a threat that should be extinguished, while others hope that the visitors are peaceful and offer an opportunity to learn more about the world beyond. When a young woman finds herself torn between her seemingly normal life and the alluring promise offered by one of the all-too-human extraterrestrials, the fate of the entire world is left hanging in the balance.”

A social commentary on immigrants or a poorly-named sci-fi movie about aliens parking downtown wherever they want? You already know the answer.

JOHNNY Z (2019)
“A half human, half zombie named Johnny, holds the cure to the zombie epidemic. After escaping Nordac, an experimental medical prison, Johnny comes under the guidance of a martial arts Grandmaster named Jonray who agrees under a dying wish to protect and embarks on a journey to find a missing doctor while battling personal demons.”

Sounds like Johnny Z is just another name for Murphy, the half human/half zombie in Z Nation zombie apocalypse TV series on the SyFy™ Channel whose inner gunk holds the cure for un-zombie-ing. Wonder if they’re blood brothers?

THE VANISHING (2019)
“On an uninhabited island 20 miles from the rugged Scottish coast, three lighthouse keepers arrive for their six week shift. As Thomas, James and Donald settle into their usual, solitary routines, something unexpected and potentially life-changing occurs — they stumble upon something that isn’t theirs to keep. Where did it come from? Who does it belong to? A boat appears in the distance that might hold the answer to these questions. What follows is a tense battle for survival as personal greed replaces loyalty — and fed by isolation and paranoia, three honest men are led down a path to destruction.”

They don’t say what it is they discovered. But after a minimum amount of thought, it can only be one thing for a the isolated men on that remote island; a supermodel.

This Slayer Is Not Metal

In the lazily-titled Slayer (2006) vampires are wrecking the Rain Forest. They’re wrecking blood-enriched necks, too. What the heck — vampires are wrecking everything.

Which is why Casper Van Dien, in all his discount thespian glory, must lead his military group into the jungle to shoot them in the face, one of whom is his military BFF whose been suckified. But since Casper knows as much about vampires as he does acting, his efforts are unsuccessful. 

Was there something else you needed to know?

A World of Vampires

The world is a vampire. Literally. It’s 2019. Ten years ago, an unexplained plague turned those that leak blood into those that drink blood. Oh sure, there are a few humans left, but they’re pretty much cows the vampires milk dry. So much so, the world is just about out of the sweet red body sauce. 

Edward Dalton is a blood scientist who has been trying for six years to come up with a human blood substitute. His latest batch made a test subject explode. BLAMMO —   vampire guts all over the walls and floors, as if the room itself was mortally injured. Dalton won’t drink human blood because he’s against wiping out an entire species. What a wuss. In the human world, we’d call him a people-hugger.

One night he helps an SUV full of humans evade the cops. They later track him down in hopes he can help them find a cure for vampirism. (Yeah — it’s called a stake through the heart, b*tch!)

Elvis is a classic car restorer and part of the vampire resistance movement who, when in bloodsucker form years ago, went joy-riding in the daylight and crashed, his body flaming the second he went Superman-ing through the windshield. The accident, while hurting like hell, transformed Elvis back into a human. Dalton needs to recreate that event in order to find a way out of this sucking of blood business. He has to hurry as the military — led by his vampire brother — and a near-rioting society is breathing down his back.

If you’re starved of human blood and all its deliciousness, you slowly revert into a primal state vampire, one of pure aggression, a mummified body, leathery bat wings, and unpleasant butt breath. These creatures, called Subsiders, are so hungry they feed on fellow vampires, which speeds up the mutation process.

Through it all, though, Daybreakers (2009) left you wanting more and less. More, as in Subsiders. Less, as in talking. Don’t get me wrong; Daybreakers is a visual stunner and has some killer graphic gore; Subsiders are chained and pulled out into the sunlight, where they ignite like campfire marshmallows. I just wanted to see more of the Subsiders making a cherry pie out of your face. If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to make a screaming, angry man-bat, put it to work chowing down on neck sandwiches. The rest will write itself.

A Mouthful of Tongues

I watched Sixteen Tongues (1999), a pseudo-intellectual, cyberpunk porn sci-fi, twice and still didn’t understand it. OK, I get the porn part, but the rest is pseudo-intellectual bull pucky.

Here’s what I pieced together: In the future a cop, horribly damaged by an explosion, is patched back together using the tongues of 16 people. An understatement to say he looks…unusual. He also makes people (male and female) pleasure him orally, then shoots them in the head. At no point did he read them their rights.

He lives in a seedy hotel next door to two shaved ladies, one into men, the other not, but both into each other. One is a horny Asian assassin with a freak fetish, the other a techno-junkie, on the search for a killer.

The horny assassin visits tongue man next door and she pleasures him with her tongue. He thanks her by not shooting her in the head, but leaves an oil slick of blood all over her chest as a souvenir of their first romantic moment. What a gentleman.

From there I lost the narrative. Hardcore porn plays on the TV around the clock but it’s blurred just enough to get a NR-rating. (That stands for No Refund.) In the end, a pretentious indie film made by people who don’t even know themselves what the movie is about.

The Boogeyman Should Blow His Nose

Nine year-old Laura and her 11 year-old brother Henry witnessed the serial killer known as the  Boogeyman use their parents’ necks for a place to put his knife while adjusting his killer (ahem) black hood. Personally, I would’ve put the knife in the dishwasher.

Ten years in and out of a mental institution dealing with their life-crippling fear of the dark and all things Boogeymen, Henry and Laura are still being counseled by a “face your fears, you pussies” medical director. Joining them are  five other pre-adults dealing with their mental clogged toilet: bugs under the skin, fear of being in public, fear of getting fat, fear of germs… (What — no fear of non-alcoholic beer?)

Laura is a screaming hottie, with emphasis on screaming, now that the therapy has failed and the Boogeyman is back to finish what he started a decade ago. Everyone is being dispatched by the thing they fear the most. One kid gets chopped in half by an elevator. (I take the stairs, so that entertained me.) One girl with a fear of bugs gets maggots poured into open wounds. (I don’t have open wounds, so again, highly entertaining.) Additional deaths are just as creative and enjoyable.

While the first half of Boogeyman 2 (2007) is boring horror crap (the premise is the same as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), the second half delivers some excellent gore and a “sex-while-standing-up” scene. (Not as comfortable as it looks.)

The Boogeyman himself isn’t a supernatural entity, though they try to make you believe otherwise. If you can’t guess who/what/he/she is by the half-hour mark, you need to have maggots poured into your open wounds. Even as clichéd as it is, this sequel is slightly better than the first Boogeyman (2005), whose main evil character just wasn’t that attractive.

Descent Into Double Hell

The Descent: Part 2 (2009), picks up where The Descent (2005) left off, with Sarah Carter, the lone survivor of the women-only subterranean shopping trip/cannibal fest, is in the hospital, unable to recall the horrific events that left her friends eaten alive by sightless cave creatures.

Meanwhile, a police search party, led by professional underground explorers with cool flashlights and glow sticks, is under way. The sheriff, though, finds out the blood Sarah was covered with didn’t leak out of any of her primary orifices, but rather one of the friends whose bodies they can’t seem to find. Because she was only banged up by the Crawlers, Sarah is deemed cave-worthy, and is forced BY LAW to return to the vast Appalachian underground cave system to look for survivors. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

A creaky elevator in an abandoned mine shaft takes the sheriff and his female cop, three pro-cave climbers and Sarah into the pits of Purgatory. It’s not long before they find the rat-chewed body of one of the women. This freaks out Sarah and her memory comes rushing back. Time to get the hell outta Hell. She takes off, leaving the others to fend for themselves. And all the while that eerie clicking noise made by the Crawlers is getting closer.

The creature attacks are well-staged, with those blind, hairless, naked and hungry flesh-eaters (i.e., Goth fans) coming out of nowhere. The trick is to not make any noise as the beasts track by sound. Hard to do that when your neck croissant is bitten and your blood spraying like a shower nozzle. A gun shot triggers a cave-in, and all are separated. For the Crawlers this is good news as their meals are better when served ala carte.

What makes Descent 2 decent (heh) is the added twists. It could’ve been a cookie-cutter slaughterfest and you’d be suitably gleeful. But they took it to the next level with “you didn’t see it coming” swerves. Suffice to say, there are killer (ahem) gory/goon-out moments, and one particularly nasty scene, which finds Sarah and the lady cop in a pool of fetid water. Turns out it wasn’t a pool after all, but an outhouse. Or would that be an in-house since it’s essentially indoors? I must ponder that over a bowl of black lumpy oatmeal.

One more clever twist sets up the escape sequence, which leaves the cave wide open for another sequel. Watch The Descent: Part 2 — it’ll scare the hole outta you. 

Eviler Dead

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987) is a sort of sequel/re-telling of the first movie with Ash, the morning-after lone survivor of the evil dead onslaught, having to go through one more night of relentless Three Stooges styled demon attacks and spraying body fluids.

Joining him are several guests related to the evil cabin’s previous owner (whose demon-bloated wife is hanging out in the cellar). It’s here we get more of a back-story on the skin-covered Necronomicon (first edition), which is missing some pages needed to throw down some incantation action to stop the madness. They’ll need those pages as Ash’s hand is possessed and is needing a chainsaw manicure.

The incantation opens up a swirling hurricane portal where evil is sucked back to whence it came. Ash and his awesome 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale are also transported back in time o 1300 A.D., where locals are being body-shamed by Deadites. If you’re a fan of the Evil Dead series, you know this is the beginning of Army of Darkness (1992), the sequel. If you didn’t know that, then I don’t know YOU.

Great demons, demon humor, demon blood, demon possession and demon black gunk coming out of possessed holes. And Ash’s chainsaw prosthetic means he’s handi-capable and can handle it. Heh.

A Family of Teeth and Fur

In the painfully low-budget Blood (1973), a highly impatient Dr. Lawrence and Regina Orlovsky, a pseudo aristocratic couple, travel by some sort of boat from 1899 Europe to 1899 America in order for Lawrence to continue his doctor-esque research. Assisting is Carrie and Orlando, a married couple. Orlando doesn’t have legs (“accident”) and Carrie, whose right leg is infected by something…icky. She doesn’t have long to do the two-step. Also on board is the cadaverous and mute Carlotta, whose being used as food for Regina.

Turns out Lawrence is the son of Lawrence Talbot, the Wolf Man. And Regina is the daughter of Count Dracula. And they’re in America to check on his inheritance (which is running out), and to cultivate carnivorous plants that produce a serum that Larry injects into Regina every time she starts to melt from being out in the sunlight. Doesn’t help that Regina is constantly melting, whining and complaining, and is pretty much a spoiled vampire.

Going by the name of Lawrence Orlovsky, he shows up his attorney’s office, demanding a look-see at the books. Turns out the “lawyer” has been embezzling from the inheritance and funneling the cash into shell companies that go bankrupt, but pay off directly to his own pocket. Warning: do NOT try and steal from a guy who could bite your face off and crap it out on the neighbor’s lawn.

The very cute and single Prudence Towers works as the lawyer’s assistant and spills the books to Lawrence during a graveyard visit to pay respects to his wolfy dad. (And no, the headstone was not shaped like a fire hydrant.) Even though he’s married, he uses his animal charms to lock lips with Prudence amongst the romantic graveyard. Their clinch is busted by Petra, an old non-hygienic woman with rotted teeth, who is the cemetery attendant. She knows Larry’s dad’s secret. And she knows his secret as well, using it to blackmail money and/or jewels from the Orlovskys, which she’ll hopefully use to buy toothpaste.

The man-eating plants are growing out of control. Carrie’s leg needs to be chopped off. Regina cuts off the hand of Petra, who showed up demanding extortion funds. Prudence is sucked dry after a jealous Regina finds out about the mortuary make-out session in the dead zone. Lawrence can’t take the pressure and wolfs up, demanding they all abandon ship and head back to Europe, setting fire to everything to cover their tracks. This does not work for Regina and she gets her fang on to do battle with her leg-lifting husband with flame-y flames heating things up.

An odd yet oddly intriguing movie, Blood feels like a thrown-together mess, but the ending is one of those moments of genius that only makes sense once you sit through the entire thing. P.S. Don’t go near the cannibal plants — just ask Orlando and Carrie’s legs.