Archive for blood

Swamp Monsters, Disposable Vampires and Boobs

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attacked On Set

Six months of non-stop rain and dreariness. Seattle weather could qualify as its own horror movie. So why do I continue to live here instead of, say, the Atacama Desert in South America, the driest desert in the world? For one thing, I would not want sand beetles as neighbors. Too noisy.

Anyway, here’s some stay-indoor upcoming horror movies to help take your mind off the stupid weather…

ATTACKED ON SET (March 21, 2017)
“When these girls lay down, things stand up. A perfect mixture of comedy, gore and campiness with lots of boobs and blood.”

Despite having one of the worst horror movie titles (and press releases) going, I do look forward to the boobular aspect of said dumbly named flick.

Vampire Cleanup Department

VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)
Vampires have been haunting Hong Kong for centuries. Because of this, hidden in this city is an official special action unit coping with them — the Vampire Cleanup Department (VCD). The street cleaners out at night are actually vampire hunters, their giant garbage bins containing the captured vampires. The ordinary garbage station is their secret headquarter.”

So to get rid of vampires all you have to do is throw ‘em in the garbage? Seems too easy; do you need to have garlic-flavored garbage bags lining said can? Should you throw your silverware in the trash along with said disposable vampires? That begs the question — are vampires recyclable? Hope so. Wouldn’t be cool to have landfills overflowing with discarded vampires.

Swamp Freak

SWAMP FREAK (2017)
“Six college students go into the wetlands to find their missing professor after he takes off in search of the mythical and deadly monster known as the Swamp Freak.”

Not to be confused with Field Freak (2016), which also features a mythical and deadly creature. Maybe they’re cousins.

Mayhem

MAYHEM (2017)
“A virus infects a corporate law office on the day attorney Derek Saunders is framed by a co-worker and wrongfully fired. The infection is capable of making people act out their wildest impulses. Trapped in the quarantined building, our hero is forced to savagely fight tooth and nail for not only his job but his life.”

Time to leave the corporate world and get a job with the less violent Vampire Cleanup Department.

Wet Ghosts

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Reeds

The problem with boating through dense reeds (like a marsh, only with pointier stuff growing) isn’t the loss of your sense of direction or the ghost kids who live in there. It’s that boats have a tendency to involuntarily leak when it runs into, say, an iron cage with a skeleton in it.

The Reeds

Six British friends out for a weekend float, get lost in the reeds looking for a pub. It’s starting to rain, it’s getting dark, and the radio won’t work. An attempt to navigate the shallow waters results in an iron spike being driven into the boat’s hull — and into the stomach hull of one of the passengers. His fiancé is freaking out because the ring isn’t paid for yet.

The Reeds

Seeing a blazing fire in the middle of the wetlands, one of the guys swims towards it, only to find a bunch of teenagers who don’t talk, but are roasting wild dogs and water rats for dinner. I’m not familiar with English dining practices, but what does one season a wild dog with — flea salt?

The Reeds

What follows is a super gnarly chain of events, resulting in massive blood loss, boat loss, and skin loss. Freakier still is another boat quietly floating by. That in itself isn’t unusual. But that it’s the same exact boat with the same name, is. Through the rain and the dark and the gooning out, one of the passengers sees himself on the other vessel, looking back at him. That’d be enough for me to pollute the water.

The Reeds

The marina operator shows up in a dinghy and takes one guy back with the promise of getting help. He’s a rat-eating liar. All he really wants to do is chase down the kids and shoot ’em in the head, face and chest. He’s a good shot, too; Nary a wasted bullet. If the movie ended right there it’d be pretty cool. But leaping into supernatural territory, the past overlays the present, and the reason for the bodies in the underwater cages and the face-blasted kids who don’t really seem to die is a blind-sided punch.

The Reeds The boat shop owner is shown committing suicide, over and over. At first if you don’t succeed. And the kids are shotgunned, over and over. Something’s gotta give. As fate would have it, one of the girls on the boat is related to the mystery — and it’s a doozy. (Is that how you spell doozy? I couldn’t find it on dictionary.com.)

The Reeds

The Reeds (2010) doesn’t exactly make it clear on how the boat guy ties into the kids, but it’s a firm thrill all the same. Still can’t imagine why anyone would want to go boating in the reeds, which have the scenic appeal of unmown lawns. Must be a British thing.

Tattooed Vampire

Posted in Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakewoman

Back in her early 20th Century day Oriana Balasz, an underground movie icon, was quite the spanker, what with her deviant behavior and excesses of the flesh. A publishing company wants the rights to all her works, including the film she never released, which promised to be more shocking, even by today’s standards. I don’t know; the bar on shocking is set pretty high. But what the heck — I say go for it.

Snakewoman

A publicist travels to Oriana’s Spanish mansion to sink the deal with her heirs. That’s when Snake Woman shows up, a sort of punk rock biker chick with no clothes, vampire fangs and a snake tattoo that goes all the way around her body and across her butt region.

Snakewoman

The “shocking” love scenes in Snakewoman (2005) are overlong and about as sexy as cardboard. And what is it with European chicks and the unshaved armpit thing? That’s more scary than anything else in this “erotic thriller.” Boring excuse for owning a TV.

Detrimental Robots

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Marebito

After filming a suicide in Tokyo’s killing field (the subway system), cameraman Masuoka is drawn back to the scene for more answers. Upon replaying the footage, he notices that just seconds before the man stuck a knife into his forehead, he was looking at something — and that something scared the life outta him. Well, that and the knife.

Marebito

Intriguing set-up for the Japanese horror flick, Marebito (2006). Masuoka finds a door that leads to a vast subterranean labyrinth where the Detros (a contraction of detrimental robots) live. They’re eerie, white creatures who make people stab themselves in the head. He encounters a young naked gal chained to a wall. She can’t talk, but that doesn’t stop Masuoka from asking her out on a date. He takes her home and tries to feed her, but she keeps barfing all over the place. That’ll teach him to use Match.com™ to screen potential girlfriends.

MarebitoThe girl is drawn to Masuoka’s bleeding finger and sucks on it like a Tootsie Pop™. Instead of feeding her with his own liquid, Masuoka sets the dinner table with dead animals. If you’re thinkin’ yum, too, then we’re on the same wavelength. But the girl needs human blood. Masuoka goes so far as to slice his own tongue in half and feed it to her. Even though it looks like she’s kissing him, she’s really just removing the blood out of his face. Still, ick.

Marebito

But like all good love stories, it must come to a grisly end. So was it all in Masuoka’s crazed, Prozac™-deprived head, and that he really murdered his wife, and the mute girl was his daughter whom he kept chained like a dangerous pettable animal? Or are there really eerie white creatures living beneath Tokyo in huge caves? I’m going with the Detros.

Not My Earth

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Not of This Earth

Even though he’s not from this Earth (or any other Earths for that matter, “Mr. Johnson” is a creepy old man with dark glasses who needs constant blood transfusions. Kinda like looking into a mirror. If he doesn’t get said body beverage, his juice will turn into dust and he’ll become not unlike powered Kool-Aid™.

Not of This Earth

So what the flippin’ flap? Why can’t Mr. Johnson get his own dang blood from his own dang planet? For starters, his home world of Davanna (that sounds so made up) has been flash mobbed by nuclear war. Looks like Republicans exist on other worlds as well. Old Man Johnson is here to test our blood to see if it’ll help keep his fellow Johnsons from going double extinct.

Not of This Earth

Johnson uses telekinesis and eyeless eyeballs to command people to do his bidding, like his doctor, for instance. He even manages to talk Nadine, the doc’s sassy/hot nurse, into moving in to his multi-roomed house to give him nightly blood transfusions. He has a young male assistant/driver to round up park bums with the promise of alcohol for experimental purposes and different “phases” of his program. Free booze or not, you don’t want to be one of his experiments — they end up in the basement furnace. Party foul — that’s where recyclables go.

Not of This Earth

With human firewood missing all over town, the cops are closing in. Johnson unleashes a flying umbrella brain sucking creature that lands on your head and sucks out your brains. That’s kinda cool, but does it hold up in the rain?

Not of This Earth

Seconds before Johnson can remote-control Nadine into an experiment, the cops close in and turn on the sirens to make the car chase scene more official. Before they can shoot him in the umbrella, it’s the blaring alarm that causes Johnson to crash AND burn. (It was earlier revealed he’s highly sensitive to loud sounds. Guess that’s why aliens aren’t into metal. Pity.)

Not of This Earth

Final note: Not of This Earth (1957) is in black and white, so all those bottles of “blood” in Johnson’s fridge might very well be powdered Kool-Aid™.

Cannibal Cuisine

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trouble Every Day

Trouble Every Day (2001) is a French horror movie about a chick that has sex with dudes and then eats their flesh. Hopefully in that order.

Trouble Every Day

Shane Brown is an American scientist on his honeymoon in Paris. Instead of frenching his wife, he’s plagued by reoccurring nightmares of having sex and ripping flesh apart. He looks up Dr. Léo Sémeneau, his brain experimenting buddy, in order to figure out why he wants to eat his wife, but not in the legally married way.

Trouble Every Day

The doc’s gone, but his hottie wife Coré is hanging around, having sex with local monsieurs and chowing on their flesh. Talk about soul mates — Shane needs to get an annulment and hook up with this broad and get their flesh freak on asap.

Trouble Every Day

Coré looks good sans clothes and shows her bare upper half a lot. That both sweater busters are covered in blood and particulate matter most of the time is moot. Shane looks like the drummer for Foghat. Do not gaze upon his nakedness as it will turn you off to such rockin’ songs as “Slow Ride” and whatever Foghat’s second hit was. (I think it’s “I Just Wanna Make Love To You — And Then Eat Your Flesh.”)

Trouble Every DayThe cannibal scenes are tame, as is the depictions of sex. Long stretches of emoting (there’s barely any dialogue) bring this thing to an attention deficit crawl. I guess the French figured the subject matter was enough to shock the viewer into thinking this is a great movie. The French are wrong.

Psychosis, Delusions and Pregnancy

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Story

Been trying to learn new languages by watching foreign horror movies without sub-titles so as to become fluent in Spanish, French, German and the massively challenging Chinese. (I don’t know how people can speak in Chinese without hurting their mouth.) Is it working? Shì hé fǒu.

Anyway, here’s some new simple language horror movies headed your way…

DEAD STORY (January 20, 2017/VOD)
“A young married couple, who after purchasing their first home, realize that either the house is selectively haunting only the wife, or she’s developing a delusional psychosis.”

Neither. It’s just a bad case of buyer’s remorse.

Arbor Demon

ARBOR DEMON (February 2, 2017)
“An adventurous married couple and an injured hunter are held captive inside a claustrophobic tent by a supernatural threat. For an unknown reason, the tent has become their only safe haven. Soon tensions rise and the truth about the attacker is revealed.”

The kicker line, “Don’t Breathe,” is just plain dumb. What, did somebody fart in the tent? If so, was it flatulence born of an expression of extreme fear or freshly consumed raw broccoli? Knowing this will help determine the fright quotient of said stinky emissions.

Prevenge

PREVENGE (February 10, 2017/UK)
“Ruth, a pregnant woman, is on a killing spree. It’s her misanthropic unborn baby dictating Ruth’s actions, holding society responsible for the absence of a father. The child speaks to Ruth from the womb, coaching her to lure and ultimately kill her unsuspecting victims.”

A pregnant woman on a killing spree. Proof that there are no more sacred cows left unslaughtered. And to all female readers, I did NOT just call a pregnant woman a cow, although that could apply around the third trimester. Please don’t killing spree me.

Atomica

ATOMICA (March 17, 2017/Limited; March 21, 2017/VOD)
“In the near future, when communications go offline at a remote nuclear power plant isolated in the desert, a young safety inspector, Abby Dixon, is forced to fly out to bring them back online. Once inside the facility, mysterious clues and strange behaviors cause Abby to have doubts about the sanity, and perhaps identities, of the two employees onsite.”

Yeesh, just unplug the communications, wait 10 seconds, and plug ‘em back in. Rebooting solves 95% of offline errors. As for people going crazy, who among us doesn’t go all psychotic when we can’t get on the Internet?