Archive for Maria Ford

Vomit-Faced Rat Alien

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Terminator

Six bio-scientists (hippies in lab coats) are finishing up a two-year experiment in an underground laboratory. The lab — owned by the Earthtek Corporation — is five miles below sewer lines. When somebody farts, it ruins everyone’s day because hey, no windows.

Alien Terminator

One of the scientists/hippies has been synthesizing crystal meth for its “mind-expanding properties.” He uses his expanded mind to traverse the complex DNA genetic project he’s working on, injects it into his science rat and the thing goes berserk.

Alien Terminator

From here on out Alien Terminator (1995) is an Alien (1979) rip-off, with people (two of which are supermodels) searching with guns for the rat, that by now is seven-feet tall and walking on hind legs because chewing on people stimulates its growth hormones. I hear growth hormones pair nicely with Steel Reserve Triple Export Malt Liquor™.

Alien Terminator

The monster looks like a guy in overalls with cotton candy glued to it. Its face appears to be made of dried mud, gum, bottle caps and cigarette butts. (What, no plastic carnival vomit?)

I don’t care how awesome it might be to live underground with two supermodel science hippie chicks, this movie is a big pile of plastic carnival vomit.

Dress, Undress, Possess

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Haunting of Morella

Mom was a witch. For that she had to burn. So dad and baby daughter sift through the ashes of their motherless lives and go far away to someplace I forgot to remember.

The Haunting of Morella

Seventeen years later the stinking hot daughter is set to inherit some serious cash cake as decreed by mom’s family. One slight change in plan: mom is coming back from the dead and needs her daughter’s stinking hot body to further her work. I love this plan.

The Haunting of Morella The Haunting of Morella (1990) is basically a gal/gal ghost story revolving around the attention-holding plot of a lot of carpet-munching, art-y sex scenes in waterfalls (without appropriate swimwear) and porn thespian Maria Ford enunciating in some rather astonishing bikini under thingies.

The Haunting of Morella

Lenora/Morella is the stinking hot daughter and thankfully one of the Rug Sisters. Apparently her door swings both ways, which is good for those of us who appreciate a contemporary spin on our possessed ghost stories.