Teeth With Bite, Doctor Vampire, Sharp-Dressed Werewolf

One of the more unsettling features of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in the 2017 billion dollar hit horror movie IT —besides his remarkably groomed Sideshow Bob hair style, is his pre-eat-your-face-off teeth. Looking like he hasn’t sat in a dentist chair in decades, the wood-chipper choppers look like he could out bite a shark. And now you can have the same bladder-loosening bridgework with the It Pennywise Fang Teeth — for only $24.99. (Check to see if your dental insurance will cover it.)

Available on the OrientalTrading.com website, the monster molars are described like this: “Amazing IT Pennywise Fang Teeth come with upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Includes: upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Each set of teeth are meticulously painted to show all the horrible monstrous detail seen on the screen. Applying the teeth is easy, thanks to our Friendly Plastic Pellets that come with each set of teeth. Simply heat up the Friendly Plastic in hot water, position the Friendly Plastic into the teeth and fit them over your own teeth, making a custom fit. One size fits most adults.” There are so many disturbing things about that product description, I don’t know where to begin. Regardless, you can buy it here.

So while we buy a set and go around saying “cheese!” to everyone on the bus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have any teeth. P.S. be true to your teeth — or they will be false to you…

MOTION DETECTED / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Eva narrowly escaped being murdered during a recent terrifying home invasion in Mexico City. She and her husband decide to relocate to Los Angeles where she can recuperate. But when her husband has to travel for business, she’s left alone in an unfamiliar place and suffering from paranoia. She’s consoled by the smart home security system, but the technology is difficult to master and she starts to wonder if it will actually keep her safe or take over her life.”

Smart Home tech is gonna be the death of us all. My Roomba™ keeps sucking up my car keys — on purpose. He hates me, I just know it.

FANGS OUT / May 23 (VOD)

“A group of college students head to Mexico for some cheap plastic surgery. There they meet Doctor Pavor, a creepy surgeon who is actually a vampire, harvesting victims for his blood cartel. Aided by his bloodthirsty nurses he systematically carries out his evil plan. When a detective looking for his missing daughter arrives, all hell breaks loose in a bloody combustible conclusion.”

College idiots trying to score cheap plastic surgery? The vampires are the least of their problems.

BONE COLD / June 13, 2023 (VOD, Blu-ray)

“After bad intel from headquarters results in a tragic civilian death, an elite sniper duo attempts to flee the area but can’t seem to shake a mysterious, inhuman creature stalking them from the shadows.

Judging from the art, it looks like these snipers are out in the snow, which means the inhuman creature stalking them is a trendy hipster wearing an L.L. Bean Norseland Insulated Parka™ (on sale for under $200).

SCREAM OF THE WOLF / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Making a vampire movie in an old, abandoned house should have been easy, but with the full moon, the nightmare begins. The body count rises as the cast and crew encounter the mansion’s resident werewolf and by daylight only the lucky will survive.”

Scream of the Wolf is also the name of the 1974 made-for-TV “movie”, wherein the werewolf, in human form, wears a green corduroy jacket with a pleated white turtle neck sweater. Stylish in any decade. P.S. This was originally titled, Wolf Manor, which I previewed in November of 2022. At least I think I did — I can’t remember last year…or what I drank for breakfast, for that matter.

Escaping Clowns, Kung fu Sharks, Space Garbage

While there are some really awesome escape room adventures — Saw and Evil Dead being at the top of that list — Warner Bros.™, Discovery Global Themed Entertainment™ and Egan Escape Productions™ look to top themselves with Escape IT Chapter Two — a Pennywise the Dancing Clown themed escape room challenge. And no need to go to Derry to clown around— it’s opening in Las Vegas later in 2023, which I believe is this year.

From Egan Escape Productions™ press release: “This thrilling experience features scenes from the first film, with the players immediately thrown in to aid in the search for the missing children of Derry. There’s no turning back as guests put their skills and critical thinking to the test, navigating some of the films’ most iconic locations including the infamous Neibolt House, Quality Meats, the Three Doors room, the Clown Funeral Room and even the sewer tunnels below Derry, all while trying to escape the clutches of Pennywise the Dancing Clown.”

Escape IT Chapter One is already open for pant-filling thrills. But Chapter Two promises 30,000 square feet, 20 interactive room, state-of-the-art special FX, lighting, animatronics and live actors. There’s also carnival-styled midway games and a full-scale It themed retail store complete with photo ops and exclusive custom merchandise. I hope they’ll be selling red balloons — I just love those things. Get affordable tickets here.

While we change our vacation plans from Derry to Vegas, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better with red balloons… 

NINJA VS. SHARK / April 14, 2023 (Released in Japan only)

“The slaughtered corpses of villagers are found on the remote area beach in Okitsu village. Samejiro Mizuchi, the leader of the heresy group Koumashu, uses ninjutsu to force sharks to collect pearls from the villagers in order to gain the power of immortality. Frustrated by this situation, the village chief goes to see Kotaro Shiozaki, a bodyguard at a temple on the outskirts of the village, to ask for help. Kotaro accepts the job with a reward, but a female ninja named Kikuma appears in his path. Kotaro challenges Sameshirou to save the villagers, but what appears in front of him is a gigantic shark that doesn’t seem to be of this world.”

You can achieve immortality through pearls? Do you mix ‘em with a protein shake or just swallow ’em like marbles? Pearls don’t seem very chewable, but hey, if it’ll allow me to live forever so I can continue to pay taxes (which I just love to do) I’ll give it a shot.

MRS. DAVIS / April 20, 2023 (Peacock™)

“A nun who goes to battle against an all-powerful Artificial Intelligence known as Mrs. Davis is an exploration of faith vs. technology, an epic battle of biblical and binary proportions.”

A.I. or not, you do not wanna mess with nuns — they regularly hang out with God, and if you mess with the sistas, all holy hell will break loose.

SPACE WARS — QUEST FOR THE DEEPSTAR / April 21, 2023 (Theaters), May 2, 2023 (VOD)

“A father-daughter team of space scavengers must race against a band of evil mercenaries to reach the legendary treasures on board a lost mythical freighter.”

Pffft — space scavenger is just a fancy way of saying garbage collector.

BIRTH/REBIRTH / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A morgue technician successfully reanimates the body of a little girl, but to keep her breathing, she will need to harvest biological materials from pregnant women. When the girl’s mother, a nurse, discovers her baby alive, they enter into a deal that forces them both down a dark path of no return.”

Harvesting “biological material” from pregnant women? I seriously don’t wanna know what that is — and this coming from a guy who eats freshness-expired tuna.

Slashers of the Universe, Teen Exterminator, Eco-Friendly Snake Pit

More from the world of AI-generated art, this batch being a mash-up of 1980’s Masters of the Universe with its characters being recast using Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Pennywise, Michael Myers and Chucky joining the made-for-toy ranks of Skeletor, He-Man and Beast Man. If these ever get manufactured into cool bath tub toys, I’m pretty sure I’d sell my car for a complete set. 

In case you don’t know anything about Masters of the Universe, I could tell you, but here’s what I “borrowed” from Wikipedia™ because I ate too much lazy soup for lunch: “Masters of the Universe (sometimes referred to as the He-Man or She-Ra series) is a sword and planet-themed media franchise created by Mattel™. The main premise revolves around the conflict between He-Man (the alter ego of Prince Adam) and Skeletor on the planet Eternia, with a vast lineup of supporting characters in a hybrid setting of medieval sword and sorcery, and sci-fi technology.”

Sounds like happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. So while we head to the Tug to experience the entire spectrum of artificial intelligence, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not benefit from an AI-generated script…

LITTLE BONE LODGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During a vicious storm, two criminal brothers on the run seek refuge in a desolate farmhouse. Taking the resident family captive, they find the house holds dark secrets of its own.”

And that secret is the farm family is all lactose intolerant. That’s why the farm is desolate — no cows.

PENSIVE Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After classmates destroy life-size wooden folk art statues during a wild high school graduation party at a remote cottage, a mysterious killer starts picking them off one by one.”

A graduation bash is called wild by destroying wood statues? Today’s high schoolers don’t have a clue how to party. 

THE UNSEEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A law student finds himself in a twisted web of murder and deceit brought on by a dark force from his past.”

I could never be a lawyer — I can’t pass a bar. [Insert rim shot here]

QUICKSAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An American couple, on the brink of divorce, travel to Colombia for a work conference. While on a hike through the Rainforest, a storm causes them to become trapped in a pit of quicksand. Unable to move, it becomes a struggle for survival as they battle the elements of the jungle and a venomous snake in order to escape.”

There are snakes in the Rainforest? No thank you — those things goon me out. I’ll do my dirty business in the park. As usual.

Frightful Figurine, Vagrant Vampires, Germ Grub

Of the many non-alcohol-related things to spend your money on, you can’t do much better than a huge Pennywise doll that’s almost as tall as you are, assuming you’re over four feet in height, not counting high heels/platform Disco shoes. The only thing scarier than this doll, though, is its price: $699.99. Whew — glad it’s not $700.00 as that would break the bank.

From the freakin’ awesome Trick or Treat Studio’s™ website: “Warner Bros.™ and Trick or Treat Studios™ are proud to present the Official IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll. Sculpted by Mark Anthony, this amazing doll measures 50” tall and is made of soft flexible foam surrounding an industrial strength posable aluminum frame. The doll is dressed in highly detailed clothing and shoes and features a beautiful paint job. The IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll comes in a themed window box.”

Shipping is estimated to begin May 8, 2023 — just in time for National No Socks Day. And yes, that’s a real holiday. (Still waiting for National No Pants Day because, hey…NO PANTS!) The website also tells us the IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll does not stand on its own without support. Well heck, neither do I.

So while we’re “donating” blood for cash 85 times in order to pay for this must-have punchinello (sorry — word of the day calendar. Apparently, it means “clown”), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stand on their own without support…

DOWN AND OUT IN VAMPIRE HILLS / Out now (VOD)

“Vampires are at the top of the food chain. They are glamorous, seductive, elegant, and magnetic. They can also be old, out of touch and a tad eccentric. What does a vampire have to do to survive in the 21st century? Seriously, do vampires have to get jobs? How else to pay the rent? Homelessness and bloodsucking collide in this tale and the question that is asked is: Are vampires predators or prey? Even vampires can be down and out in a time when no one knows who is eating whom. On the other hand, if a vampire has a pair of cute boots, she may be able to handle anything.”

Makes sense that vampires would want to squat in an upscale community. Boots — social media-deemed cute or otherwise — are hard to find in Transylvania. A stylish cape maybe, but not footwear to digitally flaunt/die for.

THE HARBINGER / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“When her oldest friend is plagued by horrific nightmares from the beyond, Monique is forced to travel to NYC. On the first night of the visit, Monique learns the dreams are contagious – and so is the Harbinger, the plague mask-wearing demon who not only feeds on its victim’s souls, but warps reality itself to remove any trace of their existence.”

Wish I could do that. By that I mean be a mask-wearing demon, but not feed on souls. Souls taste weird and don’t leave you feeling satiated. Plague sandwiches on the other hand…

ERBSÜNDE / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“In search of an adventurous story in the woods, a group of journalism students awaken a superhuman being from its lost cyro chamber. A long night of man-hunting and desperation begins.”

If I was a super-human being who just woke up in the woods, the first thing I’d do is kick a tree in half, fry the students who disturbed my ancient slumber with zig-zaggy beams that shoot out of my eyes, and punch an aircraft carrier right in the anchor. Then I’d go a get a Deluxe Burger and a small Diet Coke™ at Frisko Freeze™. Wow, I really went off the road just now.

HELLBILLY HOLLOW / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Bull not only protects his not-so-small younger brother from the outside world — but also the outside world from Tickles. A team of YouTube™ paranormal activity investigators come to a haunted attraction in the backwoods and find more than they bargained for as they follow thrill-seekers on a haunted hayride. Fear and death follow those who enter and seek the past.”

Someone is named Tickles? I’m so dang mad at my mom for not naming me that. Thanks a lot…MOM. If I was named Tickles, not only would I instill fear and death ‘n stuff, I’d charge a LOT more for haunted hay rides and… Geez, still coloring outside the lines. I gotta stop eating those chocolate-covered psychedelic mushrooms with sprinkles. If I was named Sprinkles…

Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds. 

Gutter Clowns, Blood Witches, California Demons

The clown is back in town and ready to get down. Cinedigm™ and its Bloody Disgusting™-powered horror platform Screambox™ just announced the release of the acclaimed horror documentary Pennywise: The Story of IT, an in-depth look at the 1990 miniseries based on Stephen King’s iconic novel. It shows up on doorsteps, VOD and street drain holes November 22, 2022 as a collector’s edition Blu-ray. Pre-order HERE.

From the helpful press release: “An in-depth look at the 1990 mini-series based on Stephen King‘s novel, The Pennywise: The Story of IT collector’s edition Blu-ray will include six bonus features, several of them exclusive to this release. The documentary also boasts a wealth of archival material and never-before-seen footage.”

When It came out as a five-hour mini-series in 1990, it was somewhat shocking for the time. But it hasn’t aged as well as, say, me. Pennywise, the super evil clown who terrorizes kids and then again as adults, is pretty cool, though. Pennywise in 2017’s smash success re-boot hit the gas and depicted the hideous harlequin with an extreme makeover that had you making sewage in your britches.

While we go on Amazon Prime™ to order the Blu-ray (might as well pick up some new pants while I’m in the zone), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a sewer…

THE BASTARD SON & THE DEVIL HIMSELF / October 28, 2022 (Netflix™)

“After being discovered as an illegitimate son of the ‘World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch’, 16-year-old Nathan Byrn was monitored by The Council of Fairborn Witches for several years. However, as the conflict between Blood Witch and Fairborn Witch escalates, Nathan found an opportunity to escape. As he escaped, he’d soon built alliances with Annalise and Gabriel while discovering previously unknown secrets of himself.”

Wish I was the illegitimate son of the World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch. It’s likely I already am, though. This is why I started calling myself, Son of the World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch. That’d look cool on some sort of wearing shirt.

THE SLEEP EXPERIMENT / November 1, 2022 (iTunes™, Amazon™, Google Play™, iNDemand™, DISH™)

“Two detectives begin an investigation on the ethics involved in Porton Down, the top-secret research facility. One experiment in particular stands out to them as the most horrific — The Sleep Experiment, which took place during the Cold War. The experiment consisted of five prisoners deemed Enemies of the State, being locked in a sealed gas chamber. An airborne stimulant was continually administered to keep the subjects awake for 30 consecutive days. The prisoners were falsely promised that they would be set free from the prison if they completed the experiment. Inspired by real events, The Sleep Experiment is a psychological thriller that exposes the horrors of what humanity is capable of when pushed to the brink.”

I tried staying awake for 30 days, but only made it about three hours. Still, pretty rough. My humanity was definitely pushed to the brink.

MALIBU HORROR STORY / Pending release 2022/2023

“A group of amateur paranormal investigators are filming a documentary about four teens missing since 2012, a case that remains unsolved despite recovered camera footage from the day of their disappearance. The investigation leads them to the teen’s last known whereabouts: a cave deep in the Malibu mountains, where they set up camp. Attempting to communicate with the spirits within, the investigators bring forth an ancient demon intent on guarding the land and enacting the same gruesome fate those four teens met 10 years ago.”

No wonder the ancient demon is so intent on guarding the land around his cave hole. This is in Malibu, home of some of the priciest real estate ever invented. Teens do nothing but drive the property value down. And not just in Malibu.

NIGHTMARE RADIO: THE NIGHT STALKER / Pending release 2022/2023

“Candy is a late-night radio DJ with a program where people call to tell her ‘real’ horror stories. One of her listeners begins to call her insistently. Candy quickly discovers that there is a strange connection between them. Soon she will find out how far an obsessed fan is willing to go.”

Yeah, but did she play his song request? Radio DJs don’t think listeners have anything better to do than to keep calling the station. The song he requested? “Psycho Killer.” Heh.

Haunted Houses, Haunted Babies, Haunted Sailors

If you ever wanted to live in the Neibolt Street house (aka, the Well House), forget it — Pennywise, The Dancing Clown from It (2017) already squats there. If you’ve seen the movie, you already know what he does to trespassing guests. But skilled artist Lance Cardinal built an excruciatingly detailed one-of-a-kind miniature of the house (46”x 30”x30”), complete with light up interior and a full front yard and fences as seen in the pretty dang scary flick.

From Lance himself: “I really loved the film and thought the production design was amazing! As soon I saw this house in the film I knew I had to re-create it in miniature. The entire thing was created from scratch, using pictures from the set that was built for the film in Oshawa, Ontario, Canada.”

Amazingly, it took Lance two months to complete the iconic haunted house. The good news: he’s selling it. Find him on Facebook™ or e-mail him at lancecardinal75@gmail.com for the price and some other incredible pieces he’s putting up for snaggings.

While I go look for the Neibolt House on Zillow™ (crossing fingers it isn’t being used as an Airbnb™), here are few now available/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as scary as Pennywise’s downstairs toilet (kids aren’t the only things that float down there)…

THE CHILD REMAINS (available now)
“Inspired by the shocking true story of the infamous ‘Butterbox Babies’, an expectant couple’s intimate weekend turns to terror when they discover their secluded country inn is a haunted maternity home where unwanted infants and mothers were murdered. A twisted, disturbing supernatural thriller about the evil that lurks behind the colorful postcard.”

Makes sense that a couple expecting a rug rat would embark on an intimate weekend — no risk of getting knocked up, so go nuts. Okay, that sounded better in my head.

PLAY OR DIE (July 2, 2019)
“Lucas and Chloe, two passionate gamers, decide to participate to Paranoia, a very exclusive escape game. After solving a first riddle, they make it to the location of the finale in an abandoned mental hospital, lost in a frightening forest. There, four other participants are waiting on them. They soon realize that only one of them will get out of there alive.”

Yep, someone actually got paid to think up this story line. That person was overpaid.

ASHES (July 9, 2019)
“After a family’s estranged aunt passes away, they’re reluctant and creeped out to receive her cremated ashes. But when a series of supernatural misfortunes beset them, they’ll have to go through Hell to be rid of her angry spirit.”

Pffft — Just kick her in the ash hole.

THE LIGHTHOUSE (2019)
“The Lighthouse is a fantasy horror story set in the world of old sea-faring myths.”

Old sea-faring myths include octopus tickling games, sea horse rodeos, harpoon acupuncture, and topless mermaids sitting on ocean rocks while combing sand crabs out of their fore and aft hair with carelessly discarded clam shells.

Queen Ghidorah, Weathered Clowns, Men (And Women) In Black

Three more/new promotional key art for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). This brings the total of advertising posters (so far) to 14. They only needed one to get my drool cup overflowing. The bulk of the art depicts Godzilla squaring of with King Ghidorah. It’d be cool if a Queen Ghidorah showed up. And each one of her heads could have a different hairdo. That’d be pretty dang funny.

Hot on the heels of the first trailer for It: Chapter Two (September 6, 2019), comes the second of two movie posters. I get that the balloons factor in, but when are they gonna put out some art with Pennywise? Sure, it would no doubt goon out everyone at the mall. So what? Make ’em fill their pants! And speaking of the first trailer, those two minutes alone require you wear Depends™ while watching it. You can thank me later.

A hot-off-the-press new poster for the impending Clownado. There have been several others that were just “meh” (the first one looked like someone with a degree in doodling designed it), but this one is killer. No pun intended. 

In case you didn’t write it down when I first e-barfed about this back in April or 2018, it goes something like this: “Cursed demonic circus clowns set out on a vengeful massacre using tornadoes. A stripper, Elvis impersonator, truck driver, teen runaway, and a dude get caught in the supernatural battle between femme fatal and the boss clown from Hell.” They had me as cursed demonic circus clowns.

The Japanese version of Men In Black: International (June 14, 2019) brings the total of advertising art to 10. I looked at all of ‘em. They’re kinda okay, though I’d tell the movie studio to keep working on ‘em — they need more…doodling. 

Expensive Clowns, Teenage Witches, Lady Cannibals

Got a spare $499 laying around and aren’t donating to my “Get Drunk Quick” fund? Then you might wanna buy one the three nightmare-inducing Pennywise busts from Prime 1 Studio. You need this to complete your life.

Available for pre-order and releasing later this year (2019, in case it slipped your mind) or early next year (back to the future), you can get ‘em individually or in a set of three for $1,399. Besides being excruciatingly detailed, these things stand 16” tall and include display bases. That’s important for some reason.

While I quit drinking for a few days to raise the funds needed to purchase said Objets d’art, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not get you to quit drinking…

THE CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH (Season 2/April 5, 2019)
“This adaptation of the Sabrina the Teenage Witch tale is a dark coming-of-age story that traffics in horror and the occult. In the reimagined origin story, Sabrina Spellman wrestles to reconcile her dual nature — half-witch, half-mortal — while standing against the evil forces that threaten her, her family (aunts Hilda and Zelda), and the daylight world humans inhabit.

Season one was surprisingly watchable, even though it’s teen-centric. Lots of demons, creatures, ghosts, blood gunk, and the invoking of Satan every five minutes. I’m all in for season 2.

DANIEL ISN’T REAL (2019/pending distribution)
“Luke, a troubled college freshman, suffers a violent family trauma and resurrects his childhood imaginary friend Daniel to help him cope.”

My childhood imaginary friend is Bud. Bud Weiser. That guy is always getting me into trouble.

Z (2019/2020)
“When Beth and Kevin’s eight-year-old son Joshua develops an imaginary friend named Z, they think it’s cute. But they soon realize just how wrong they are. Z becomes a terrible influence on Josh and their innocent son turns into someone they barely recognize. It’s only when Beth starts uncovering her own past, that she learns that Josh’s new friend Z, may not be so imaginary, after all.”

This sounds a bit on the “been there, done that” side. Maybe they should title it, Zzzzzzz.

SHE NEVER DIED (2019/2020)
“Lacey, an immortal cannibal, saves a woman from dying a grisly death on a dark web channel and hunts down the culprits.”

The sequel to He Never Died (2015). Only saw part of that one. Not sure why I didn’t watch the whole thing. This one has an immortal cannibal lady in it, so I’ll probably watch all of this one.

Vinyl Horror, Mix ’n Match Predators, Slaves To Evil

If you have some loose bus change totaling $169.99 jingling around in your britches, you may want to click on over to HouseofMysteriousSecrets.com to pre-order their case set of miniature vinyl horror movie icons to put on various shelves and/or tabletops in the place you change (and hopefully wash) said britches.

Each of these cooler than heck collectibles is 3 1/4” tall and are bendable into different poses. For instance, the possessed Regan doll (The Exorcist/1973) could be bent over to reenact projective vomiting. Other characters include multiple versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Pennywise (1990 version). These dolls can be purchased separately, but why? Pre-order all of ‘em now as they’re arriving July, 2018. 

And while you’re clearing your shelves of unread books/plastic bowling trophies to make room for ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be collectible…

PRED4TOR (2018)
“From the outer reaches of space to the small-town streets of suburbia, the hunt comes home in Shane Black’s explosive reinvention of the Predator series. Now, the universe’s most lethal hunters are stronger, smarter and deadlier than ever before, having genetically upgraded themselves with DNA from other species. When a young boy accidentally triggers their return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled science teacher can prevent the end of the human race.”

Already e-blogged about this prior, though I can’t recall when as I’ve been distracted by…pizza. So this is the latest key art and official plot — Predators swapping DNA spit in the shower with other species. You have my attention. Note to Predators: If it doesn’t involve probing or the touching of the swimsuit area, I would like to be genetically-upgraded so that I, too, may join your social club.

THE DARK (2018)
“Undead and hating it, young flesh-eater Mina haunts the woods surrounding her childhood home. When she befriends a physically abused boy, she must figure out why, for once, she isn’t feeling homicidal.”

Interesting spin on the zombie theme. I bet Mina eats the abused boy’s parents. And I hope she burps/farts as loud as the horns of humanity after finishing her meal. Parents or others who abuse kids should get even worse punishment than being digested and crapped out by a zombie.

THRESHOLD (2018)
“A group of graduating college seniors find themselves stuck in the spooky residence of the college President after a graduation party. The house changes as they move through it, no passage leading the same way twice. They soon discover the house is a labyrinth, and at its center is an ancient monster of mythology. As they are eaten one by one, they learn they are part of a ritual and must find their way out of the house by solving the maze if they are going to survive.”

It’s said that Threshold’s monster is a Minotaur, a creature half man, half bull. So does he sleep in a bed or a barn? I bet he’d be king of the rodeo at those county fair bull-riding contests.

SATAN’S SLAVES (2017/Indonesia – 2018/US)
“A record-breaking box-office hit upon release, Joko Anwar’s affectionate remake of 1980’s Pengabdi Setan is one of horror cinema’s recent triumphs: an atmospheric, expertly-shot roller-coaster ride of a haunted house film, inspired as much by Indonesian folklore as by retro genre classics.”

Slashfilm.com has this to say about that: “A Quiet Place and Hereditary have already been dubbed 2018’s scariest films to beat, but you can add Satan’s Slaves to that list now – the most horrifying film of 2018 you haven’t heard of yet.” With that kind of endorsement, it kinda makes your mouth start slobbering all on its own. Better wear a plastic shirt (and possibly pants) when I go see it. Heck, might as well buy a wet suit.