Row Yer Boat To Hell

A big ass huge cargo ship roams the seas, its only passengers being seven people who suddenly wake up and don’t know where the hell they are. And Hell™ is precisely this vacation’s destination. Think Titanic meets Poltergeist.

Each of these douche bag victims has done something in the past that put them on the You Lose Cruise. There’s a couple of greaseball crooks, a scheming Russian guy, a movie producer, a model/actress/do-it-with-anyone-who’s-a-producer chick and a prison inmate.

The steward shows up and informs them that they can wander about the ship, but to not try and breach any closed doors (ghosts are doing stuff behind them). And no jumping overboard, either, ’cause the water will eat your brains. Sorry — wishful thinking. Of course, they need someone to break the rules to set an example for the others. I’d do it but I’m busy.

As they find out this tub is commandeered by Charon, The Ferryman, the guy that takes you to Hell, which just happens to be inside that lightning-powered whirlpool off the port bow. As it’s discovered, they’re already dead; Going to Hell is just a formality at this point. But the steward informs them there is one path to redemption. For me that’d be about 12 life preservers duct-taped to my body. And some cool sea goggles.

The wretched special effects in Ghost Voyage (2008) only serve to emphasize dialogue no one would speak even if they were a drunken sailor. Main star Antonio Sabato, Jr. was in no trouble of drowning because his wooden acting skills can easily keep him afloat until another crappy horror movie comes along to pick him up.

Hell’s Log Ride

The Ferryman (birth name Charon) is that scary dude from Greek mythology who runs the canoe service that takes you across the river Styx, right into downtown Hell. But no one rides for free, so if you don’t have any cash or a debit card to pay him, you’re doomed to loiter on the shores of Acheron for 100 years. Sadness abounds.

So the Ferryman has come to collect on this fat old guy who doesn’t want to go to Hell. But F-Man has this cool ability to move into other bodies, which, as you can imagine, really f’s things up for everyone else.

A Tahiti-bound sailboat carrying three couples detours right into some evil fog, responding to an S.O.S. signal where they find an eerie fishing boat with one person on it. They bring the sole surviving fat guy aboard and the fun commences as his soul, with barely an explanation how, can enter the body of any male or female. When he goes into a chick, he gets to touch that fuzzy private area.

To accomplish this he first has to stab the body he intends to occupy with a magical dagger. The wounds heal miraculously fast…WITHOUT A BAND-AID™! Right there that would’ve been my signal to abandon ship. But as he bounces around each person, the madness, violence and blood-distributing gets insanely intense. Warning: If you like dogs, DO NOT watch the dog scene. If you’re more of a cat person, then go right ahead.

Somehow it’s figured out that the fat guy’s soul is doing all the wife-swapping and in a genius maneuver, gets the tables turned on him big time. When the Ferryman comes to claim his lard-y essence, he shows up looking like a very wet Freddy Krueger, but with a sea cloak instead of a color-coordinated red and green sweater.

The Ferryman (2005) features LOTS of screaming and hemoglobin and not much else. The ending, though, will make you smile as though you just swapped bodies with a porn star.