Enfant Terrible, Kaiju Cadaver, Possessed Snow

Child’s Play, the 1988 horror movie hit about Chucky, a serial killing 36” toy doll (made so via a voodoo soul transfer of the cutlery-inclined murder guy, Charles Lee Ray), has gone on to become one of the most successful horror movie franchises of all time. The scorecard: seven films, a television series, comic books, video games, micro-beer, and tie-in merchandise, generating over $250 million killer coupons. And Chucky, the “tiny tycoon of terror,” has impressive body count accomplishments that eclipse those of Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees and Halloween’s Michael Myers. 

So it makes perfect financial sense someone would do a Child’s Play documentary. Titled Living With Chucky, the doc comes out on Screambox™ in early 2023, and slices deep into the persistent popularity of the pliable puppet.

From the official press release: “Written and directed by Kyra Elise Gardner, Living With Chucky explores the roots of the iconic horror franchise and details the history of production, as well as focusing on Gardner’s own relationship with the series and what Chucky means to her. Not only is she a franchise super-fan, Gardner has a closer relationship to Chucky than most — her father is puppeteer and designer Tony Gardner, who worked on a number of Child’s Play films as well as leading puppetry on the recent Chucky TV series. Gardner even lovingly refers to Chucky as her “mass murdering 3-foot-tall redheaded stepbrother.”

So while we wait for Living With Chucky and the inevitable Chucky Condoms™ (rubber — get it?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as resilient as killer Tupperware™… 

WHAT TO DO WITH A DEAD KAIJU / Out now (VOD)

“A large monster attacks Japan, but dies suddenly. While the people rejoice and bask in relief, the giant corpse left behind begins to slowly rot and bloat. If it explodes, the nation will be destroyed.”

A rotting and bloated corpse of a giant monster is about to explode and destroy the nation. I need that tattooed somewhere on my forehead.

ORBITAL / Pending release 2022 (VOD)

“Peter Randof uses his wealth to construct a massive ring around Earth. Destined to finish the project, the fully-constructed mega-structure leads to unforeseen consequences.”

Let’s re-frame this with a metaphor we can all relate to: the ring is the seat, Earth is the toilet. That established, you already know what the “unforeseen” consequences are.

SNOW FALLS / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“After a winter storm strands five friends in a remote cabin with no power and little food, disorientation slowly claims their sanity as each of them succumbs to a fear that the snow itself may be contaminated or somehow evil.”

One only needs to reflect on the 1974 wisdom of Frank Zappa in regards to tainted winter weather: “Watch out where the Huskies go, and don’t you eat that yellow snow.” Words to live by. Music to dance to.

SHELBY OAKS / July, 2023 (VOD)

“A woman’s desperate search for her long-lost sister falls into obsession upon realizing that the imaginary demon from their childhood may have been real.”

There’s no such thing as “imaginary demons.” Real demons are all over the place. Start with your bartender and go from there.

Future Sharks and Penguins

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

The plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

The Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

Undomesticated Cannibals, Ghosts, Wildlife

Yep, four more new ones (as of this e-scribbling). It’s almost like there’s some sort of, I don’t know, “film factory” churning these things out night and day. And yet with all these market fresh movies on the docket, no one has made me a lucrative offer to cameo as a monster, first victim, or celebrity walk-on. (I’m not really a celebrity – but I do dress like one.)

So, in case you haven’t fulfilled your daily recommended dose of infomercials…

PROOL (aka, Prey / October 13, 2016 / Netherlands)
“When the police discover the bodies of a slaughtered family living on a farm just outside of Amsterdam, they are clueless as to what happened. Lizzy, an attractive veterinarian working in the Amsterdam Zoo, confirms their suspicions; there must be a lion on the loose. And judging by the wounds of the mutilated victims, the beast must be big, strong and vicious…”

If lion/tiger gone wild horror movies are your zootopia, try The Ghost and the Darkness (1996) and Burning Bright (2010). Both are quite good. I’m not lion. Heh.

HELL HOUSE (November 1, 2016)
“Five years after an unexplained tragedy on opening night of Hell House, a Halloween haunted house tour, a documentary crew travels back to the scene of the disaster to investigate the events of that night. During an interview with one of the original staff members, they are given never-before-seen footage taken by the staff of the haunted house. It reveals the terrifying truth about what really happened on the opening night of HELL HOUSE!”

Sounds like more tired found footage crap-o-rama, the tap water plot included. For a much better take on the “haunted house tragedy” tip, start at the top: The Legend of Hell House (1973), from which this movie borrows/pays homage to/rips off its title.

THE SHELTER (November 4, 2016 / VOD; January 3, 2017 / DVD)
“On a star filled night, widower and homeless man Thomas Jacobs finds shelter for the night when he falls upon a vast two-story house with the lights on and an inviting open front door. But soon enough, he realizes that the house won’t let him leave, as its doors are all locked while its windows cannot be opened or broken. Destiny has brought Thomas to this place. What does it want from him? Will he survive the ordeal?”

A widower AND homeless? Something tells me the evil house is a Tupperware™ party compared to what he’s already lived through. But hey, a warm and dry evil house with toilet paper privileges is still better than sleeping under a bridge next to hobos who are all probably evil and/or poisonous.

ESCAPE FROM CANNIBAL FARM (2017)
“The Harver family embark on an idyllic summer camping trip to the British countryside where they can bury past tensions and enjoy some family bonding. But when their camp is sabotaged by an unseen intruder in the night, they head to the nearby creepy old farm desperate for help, where vengeful farmer Hunt Hansen and his hideously deformed son aren’t farming animals. Caged and waiting for their limbs to be severed, cooked and eaten one at a time, the Harver family must overcome their differences and unite in order to escape alive.”

Not sure what this says about me, but I totally want to see the Harver family get turned into a Sunday buffet by Hunt Hansen. I never fancied those Harvers, what with their “past tensions,” “differences” and “family bonding.” This ain’t supposed to be Leave it to Beaver (1957 – 1963). Leave it to Cleaver maybe…

The Dead Eating The Dead

Dead Creatures (2001) is a somewhat intriguing story of a group of transient chicks afflicted with a strange disease that makes them decompose over time while still being able to gossip and shop. The kicker is that to stay alive they can only digest human flesh (prepared with a little Hamburger Helper™, to make it palatable). I’m OK with that. I don’t know why.

A happy enough premise, but the hard gore has been edited out and how the ladies became rotten is never really explained. Furthering the confusion is a man who apparently hunts down homeless teens, ties them up in his basement, and wants answers. Then he shoots them through the back of the head with a nail gun. You hear it, but you don’t get to see it. Bummer.

There’s no build up, no tension, no empathy for the characters whose skin peels off like an old orange and/or mango, no great lines to quote at social functions and/or Tupperware™ parties. Another tragic case of DVD box art being better than the movie it showcases.