Archive for Red Planet

Mars: The Go-To Planet To Go To

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Martian

Do believe in Martians? If you’re like one of those Flat Earth/Hollow Earth conspiracy theorist idiots on YouTube™, you probably do.

And why the heck not? Mars is big news these days, what with tantalizing new pics coming in daily via NASA’s Curiosity Rover showing geo-formed rocks that look like actual residents kicking it around the Red Planet. Besides, since aliens are long known to have built factories on the dark side of the Moon – proven by blurry photos interpreted by pseudo-scientists and anyone with low-level credentials and/or white lab coats – Mars is way less boring than the Moon, which regularly gives werewolves a night out every 30 days.

Martian Land

Yeesh – all over the lunar surface here.

Anyway, two Mars based sci-fi movies headed toward your orbit: The Martian, a big-budget Ridley Scott interplanetary thriller starring Matt Damon, arriving in September 2015. And as could be expected, Martian Land from The Asylum – a low-budget horror/sci-fi film studio long established as idea thieves hiding under lawsuit-safe words like “mockumentary” and “homage,” releasing in the contrails of The Martian on October 6, 2015. The plots, if you will…

The Martian

The Martian: “During a human mission to Mars, astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) is presumed dead after being caught in a fierce storm, and is left behind when the rest of the crew evacuate the planet and begin to head back to Earth. Watney finds himself stranded and alone, with only meager supplies and his ingenuity, wit, and spirit to subsist and find a way to signal home, despite knowing that even if his survival is made known there is no prospect of a rescue.”

The Martian

Martian Land: “In the distant future mankind lives on Mars, in cities that resemble those once found on Earth, protected from the alien atmosphere by dome-like force-fields. When a massive sandstorm breaks through the dome and destroys Mars New York, those in Mars Los Angeles must figure out how to stop the storm before it wipes them out next.”

Mars New York/Mars Los Angeles. What, no Mars Canada?

So, if like those Flat Earth/Hollow Earth conspiracy theorist idiots on YouTube™ you have too much time on your hands, waste it on Martian Land. Everyone else – of which I hope there are many – see you in line to see The Martian.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

P.S. For a comprehensive study of Mars and its inhabitants, check out the definitive Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), in “space-blazing color, no less. Lab coat not required.

Martian God

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Red Planet Mars

Using Radio Shack’s™ new hydrogen valve, an American scientist manages to get a radio signal to Mars and receives transmissions back that the Red Planet is way more awesome than Earth. My own experiments confirm this.

Red Planet Mars

The Martians explain, via math language, that they’ve overcome fuel, food and health problems with their advanced technology. This causes Earth’s entire economic system to collapse. Why employ people when the Martians can supply us with technology that does the trick for a fraction of the cost? Thanks a lot, Mr. Science.

Red Planet Mars

But high in the Andes is a German scientist living like a hermit with the exact same radio transmitter. He was the one who invented the hydrogen valve, and he’s using his version to advance Russian interests in world domination by “listening” in on the interplanetary conversations.

Red Planet Mars

The Russians are gleeful. Having been unsuccessful in defeating the U.S. in everything but chess, they’re wringing their hands over the financial meltdown, which is bringing everything to a screeching halt and… Wait a minute – that’s not Mars talking, it’s the Russians answering back, giving us erroneous information, which is causing everyone to freak. Pretty smarty pants when you think about it.

Red Planet Mars

Meanwhile, the Nazi scientist effortlessly manages to get out of the Andes before an avalanche wipes out his stylish slum hut, get on a plane to America, and sneak into the American scientist’s military-guarded house, all to take credit for single-handedly crushing the United States through simple deception.

Red Planet Mars

But while he’s there, one more transmission comes through. The “Martians” send an incomplete final cryptic message that implies that God is talking to them. The message goes out and the world calms the heck down. But not before the Nazi, usurped by The Lord, gets in the last word. And speaking of last words, the President addresses the nation and it’s all but a propaganda speech for organized religion.

Not surprised the Martians are Christians, but I am visibly shocked the hokey Red Planet Mars (1952) didn’t come with a collection plate.

Mars: Closed For The Season

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on September 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Days on Mars

Mars is the fourth planet from the Sun. This is true; I counted. It’s also the second smallest planet in our solar system. (Unable to fact check this.) Mars is also referred to as the “Red Planet” because it looks red. Good call, NASA. (Note: The red color, it is theorized by me, comes from the yeast additive to George Killian’s Irish Red, where the orange-y beer is brewed. Cheaper overhead on Mars.)

Mars

The reason I bring this up is that there is a new sci-fi movie coming out called The Last Days on Mars. The story line revolves around a rocket booze cruise to the Irish red planet. Too much partying and scientific experimenting happens and the next thing you know, Martians Gone Wild videos are showing up on the Internet and hilarity ensues.

The Last Days of Mars

As good as that is, it’s not the real plot. This is: An astronaut crew on Mars is on the verge of a major breakthrough, having collected rock specimens that reveal microscopic evidence of life.

In their last hours on the planet, two astronauts go back to a cavernous valley on the surface of Mars to collect further evidence for their discovery, but a routine excavation turns deadly when one of them falls to his death and his body is taken as a host and re-animated by the very life form they sought to discover.

Sounds a heckuva lot like Apollo 18 (2011). But hey, I’m always up for an alien throw down.

Apollo 18

The Last Days on Mars releases to most popular viewable formats on Halloween, 2013 and then – in case you reject technology – to movie theatres on December 6, 2013. Seems pointless to do that as you’ll be able to get a bootleg of it about 30 seconds after it hits VOD. (It won’t be me as I don’t know how to do that. I reject technology.)