Scary Clothes, Electrocuties, Apocalypse On The Rocks

Horror merch sites are like porn websites — just when you think you’ve seen ‘em all, a new one pops up. While most are pretty dang cool (Fright-Rags, Pizza Printing Party, Nightmare Toys), few are as maniacally colorful and bent brain wild as BeastWreck. Shirts of their original horror/sci-fi art will actually scare your other shirts right out of the closet, or in my case, the clean pile, which looks a heckuva lot like the dirty pile.

BreastWreck’s melding of horror and pop culture is printed on the aforementioned shirt, but hoodies, stickers, decals (fancy name for stickers), lapel pins, key chains, and patches as well. Need frameable art? BW’s art print horror homages to Gigan, The Thing, Friday the 13th and RoboCop are essential interior decorating, or in my case, inferior decorating.

While you click here to get some of BeastWreck’s awesome swag, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/series that may or may not belong in a clean pile…

THE HEADMISTRESS / March 3, 3023 (VOD)

“When a debt-ridden teacher inherits an abandoned lakefront inn, she and a group of potential buyers visit the property, where they discover a dark, sinister secret and a malignant supernatural presence determined to keep them there forever.”

It’s called a mortgage.

THE POWER / March 31, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of teenage girls mysteriously develop a special power that allows them to electrocute people at will.”

You mean teenage girls don’t already have that power?

SPIN THE WHEEL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the last hours of the world complete strangers all find their way to a local watering hole to enjoy a few beverages for their last hours of existence. Little do they know that a man named Lou may or may not be the Devil. He offers each of them a chance to save the world, but only if they can beat him at a game of Russian Roulette. Each stranger in the bar has their own secrets, which slowly surface throughout the game’s runtime.”

The world is ending and you’re only having a “few” beverages? I’d drink like there’s no tomorrow. 

WHAT THE WATERS LEFT BEHIND: SCARS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“An Anglo-American indie rock band winds up stranded in Epecuén, where their internal conflicts and the bad luck of their tour quickly lose importance before the hell that awaits them.”

Epecuén is located in the Buenos Aires Province of Argentina and is famous for being flooded in 1985 when a dam broke and became known as the town that drowned. What this has to do with the movie I have no idea. But it sounds like a better plot than whatever this one has.

Star Warfare, Multiverse Monsters, Funeral Fun

If you’re partial to UFOs, Frankenstein, Samurai and vaudeville phantoms, then you need to visit ThirteenthFloor.us and immerse yourselfie in the fantastical art of Billy Ludwig, an ingenious artist dealing in mixed media, which is the artistic version of mixed martial arts. Kinda. 

Ludwig’s take on flying saucers and pop culture icons is kitschy fun. But where his talent goes next level is by juxtaposing vintage images of WWII and Star Wars: At-At Walkers, X-Wings and TIE Fighters engaging with Spitfires, battleships, bazookas, ground troops and more. As if that wasn’t cool enough, these art pieces are in black and white (one, even, being vintage colorized), lending a tangible sense of realism to make you believe this is how the war REALLY went down. Did for me, anyway.

The art is printed on high quality 12 pt. gloss card stock and sell for an average of $15. You couldn’t buy a glass of refreshing Yatooni Boska at the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine with twice those New Republic credits. There’s also books and shirts emblazoned with Ludwig’s innovative designs.

So whether you wave your flag for the US Armed Forces and the Rebel Alliance or side with the Republican-led Empire, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as a cup of the Cantina’s house special: Blue Milk, which, of course, comes from female banthas. Try not to think about it…

WAKING KARMA / Out now (VOD)

“When high school senior Karma’s estranged cult leader father traps her and her mother in a remote forest compound, she must survive a series of psychological trials meant to prepare her for a strange and deadly reincarnation ritual.”

And if she gets older, Karma will look back on her high school days as the best time of her life.

2025 ARMAGEDDON / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“A militant alien race launches an attack on Earth using gigantic creatures and geological disasters all based on those found on The Asylum’s Movie Channel signal, which reached their planet.”

Finally — the film studio known for bold-face plagiarism of successful genre movies, have finally gone all in — they’re ripping off themselves. 

SCREAMS FROM THE SWAMP / December 27, 2022 (VOD)

“When Angela’s husband and son die in hospital after a car crash, she takes it upon herself to seek justice against the doctor who operated on the pair. Desperation and obsession lead Angela into a paranoid state, dissociating her from reality. She follows the doctor day after day: behind the anonymous facade, the man hides a parallel life of depravity and murders committed together with his colleagues. Discovering these new horrors, Angela turns to dark otherworldly forces to find the strength to eliminate the killers. This decision leads her into a spiral of violence and hallucinations, where pleasure and fear intermingle but ultimately there is a high price to pay.”

Desperation, paranoia, disassociation with reality, hallucinations… You just met a Tug Tavern regular.

PLAY DEAD / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Criminology student Chloe fakes her own death to break into a morgue in order to retrieve a piece of evidence that ties her younger brother to a crime gone wrong. Once inside she quickly learns that the fearsome coroner uses the morgue as a front for a sick and twisted business. As a frightening game of cat and mouse ensues, Isabel discovers that the scariest thing about the morgue is not the dead, but the living.”

And just what sick and twisted business would the coroner use the morgue for? A cannibal pop-up? Embalming stand? Necrophiliac kissing booth? Regardless of these guaranteed money-making ideas, you gotta appreciate his entrepreneurial spirit. 

40 Year-Old Horror, Literary Madman, Male Horror

Every since it was announced Jamie Lee Curtis was returning to reprise her role as Laurie Strode in Halloween (first released in 1978), fans have been clamoring in their pants. So much so, fan art for the as yet untitled Halloween sequel (scheduled for October 18, 2018), has been popping up like seasonal measles all over the Internet, the one featured here being one of the better examples. (Don’t know who to credit as they didn’t put their secret identity on it.)

Until the REAL title is announced, we’ll just have to be happy with the official plot: “Laurie Strode comes to her final confrontation with Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago.”

Meanwhile, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t make you wait 40 years for the sequel…

EDGAR ALLEN POE: BURIED ALIVE (October 30, 2017/PBS)
“Edgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive draws on the rich palette of Poe’s evocative imagery and sharply drawn plots to tell the real story of the notorious author. Narrated by Oscar — and Tony — nominated, two-time Golden Globe-winner Kathleen Turner, American Masters – Edgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive explores the misrepresentations of Poe as a drug-addled madman akin to the narrators of his horror stories.”

Looking forward to this one as it stars the brilliantly versatile Denis O’Hare from the American Horror Story series. That guy comfortably wears so many acting hats, I’m surprised his next movie isn’t about a haberdashery, which I believe is a British hat store. Hat is way easier to spell than haberdashery.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER DONUTS (November 17, 2017)
“A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts.”

Yeah, but what kind of donuts? Bear Claws seem to make obvious sense. Not so much for maple bars — unless they’re thrown at your head as if a yummy, sticky brick. Still, we’ve already had Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978); what’s next — Attack of the Killer Hot Dogs? That actually might be cool, now that I think about it.

SCREAM QUEEN! MY NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2017/2018)
“A documentary film focusing on the gay experience in Hollywood horror, Scream, Queen! My Nightmare On Elm Street explores how that experience has changed in the three decades since Mark Patton’s controversial portrayal of Jesse Walsh, the object of Freddy Krueger’s latent desire in Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985).”

Scream, Queen! examines the infamous homo-erotic subtext and the special place the film holds in the Nightmare franchise as well as the gay film canon. Partly in thanks to evolving social mores, Nightmare on Elm Street 2 — which was considered controversial at the time of its release — is now being looked back upon with a new appreciation and fondness by horror aficionados and fans of the series. While Freddy’s Revenge, dubbed “the gayest horror movie ever made,” cemented Freddy as a pop culture icon, Patton was never heard from again. After 30 years of living in near obscurity, Patton is back to talk about how his American dream became a nightmare during the homophobic AIDS crisis in Hollywood and why he had to give it all up.”

Just because they showed a male bare bottom being invisibly horsewhipped in Nightmare on Elm Street 2 doesn’t mean it’s a gay horror movie. It’s the scene where Jesse would rather crawl through a bedroom window to “crash” with his bare-chested buddy than have willing, carte blanche relations with his hot red-headed girlfriend.

RESTRAINT (2018)
“A disturbed young woman who plunges into a darkness after becoming unexpectedly pregnant, becoming a threat to her family and herself.”

So much for a second date. Then again, plunging into darkness just might re-heat the leftovers.

Cartoon vs. Carnivore

Archie vs. Sharknado. Not only am I NOT making it up, it’s actually a for-purchase comic book for $4.99 [click HERE]. As wacky as this is, thankfully it’s not a movie. I don’t think I could take that.

So yeah, famed comic book cartoon icons Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica and Reggie –  sugaring up the pop culture pipeline since in 1941 – brave a shark storm after sharknados are spotted on the “Feast” Coast. They have to figure out how to get back to Riverdale, where the storm is about to hit next.

Just once I’d like to see everything hit the fans and their legs and arms get bitten off and splewn (splattered and strewn) all over “Betsy,” Archie’s famed 1916 Ford Model T jalopy. Oh wait, the junk heap was permanently demolished (not by sharks) in Archie Digest #239, published in October 2007.

Now that certain lines have been crossed, there’ nothing left to do except wait for Casper vs. Ghost Hunters.

Serial Killing Spuds

How the times haves changed. Just a few decades ago Jason from Friday the 13th (1980) and Freddy from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) were graphically hacking up kids with razor sharp machetes and razor-fingered gloves. Now, thank to selective pop culture standards, both Jason and Freddy are soon available a Mr. Potato Head toys. Made for kids.

Poptaters™ has announced that they will be releasing both in October 2015 and are priced at $17.99 each via Entertainment Earth.

The reason I say selective is there have been hundreds of slasher after Jason and Freddy, and none are being made into Potato Heads. This is because the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th franchises made a LOT of money over the years. Nobody cares about the Driller Killer (1979), who only did about $14 at the box office. Man, that guy was cool – but there was nothing besides his power drill that that screamed, “I, too, could be a potato!”

All of which begs the question – if we’re gonna turn pop culture serial killer psychopaths into toys, why isn’t here a Norman Bates potato head? Or a Michael Myers, Leatherface or a Hannibal Lecter potato head? I think they novelty market is really missing out by not making a comprehensive line of serial killing potato toys. And hey, you can finally hack them up for a change.

3-Headed Shark Attack

In the beginning here was Jaws (1975), a shark with but one head to bite you in half.

Then came 2-Headed Shark Attack in 2012. It was fake-y looking and appeared to be more of a stuffed animal than a twice-fold apex predator. It bit vacationing college students in half.

Now comes 3-Headed Shark Attack (July 11, 2015) with three times the appetite, looking to bite a bigger share of the ratings. The plot is your basic “line ’em up and chomp ”em down” scenario: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark threatens a cruise ship. As the shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next, the passengers fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.”

Ugh. I could be in a shark’s belly for a week, crapped out onto a polluted beach, my gushy remains pecked at by seagulls, and still come up with a better plot than that. But hey, if a three-headed shark, which admittedly looks kinda cool, isn’t enough to sink yer boat, the “movie” also stars genre king Danny Trejo and pro-wrestling legend Mr. Monday Night – Rob Van Dam.

Wonder how 3-Headed Shark Attack would stand up against Japan’s Double-Headed Jaws (2012)? (Note: I think Double-Headed Jaws is the Japanese release of 2-Headed Shark Attack. Crappy movie, but way better title.)

Even though a shark with any amount of heads could bite me in half, I’m really starting to feel sorry for what pop culture/Hollywood/you are doing to them.