Archive for tornado

Cartoon vs. Carnivore

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Archie vs. Sharknado

Archie vs. Sharknado. Not only am I NOT making it up, it’s actually a for-purchase comic book for $4.99 [click HERE]. As wacky as this is, thankfully it’s not a movie. I don’t think I could take that.

So yeah, famed comic book cartoon icons Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica and Reggie –  sugaring up the pop culture pipeline since in 1941 – brave a shark storm after sharknados are spotted on the “Feast” Coast. They have to figure out how to get back to Riverdale, where the storm is about to hit next.

Just once I’d like to see everything hit the fans and their legs and arms get bitten off and splewn (splattered and strewn) all over “Betsy,” Archie’s famed 1916 Ford Model T jalopy. Oh wait, the junk heap was permanently demolished (not by sharks) in Archie Digest #239, published in October 2007.

Now that certain lines have been crossed, there’ nothing left to do except wait for Casper vs. Ghost Hunters.

Coach Class Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Howl

Is it just my fertile imagination or are there more movies being made about werewolves as of late? Besides the fact werewolves – or “wolf men” – are gooning out my neighborhood and digging through trash cans for human entrails (next block over, you hairy dumbf*cks), it seems I wake every morning at noon to find YET ANOTHER werewolf movie is about to go to market.

Is this a bad thing? I say HECK NO! Werewolves are all purpose apex predators and don’t wear Hot Topic™ clothes and act all depressed and Goth-y like vampires do. Nor do werewolves drop out of the sky in tornadoes. Nope, just good old fashion die/kill/bleed. Or the reverse of that. See how versatile werewolves are?

Howl

So there’s this new werewolf move called Howl (release date pending 2015), not to be confused with that 2010 James Franco movie of the same name where he plays professional hippie Allen Ginsberg who yaps about his life and art. Nor is Howl to be associated with all those wretched The Howling sequels. (The original one in 1981 was pretty cool, though).

The Howling

Nope, this Howl has a werewolf or two, a train and human entrails not yet committed to recycling. Here’s the plot…

“Joe, a young ticket collector, is riding the last train out of London on a dark and stormy night along with a meager bunch of passengers. When the train brakes violently and comes to a sudden halt deep in the middle of a forest, it seems they have hit something on the line. But when the driver ventures out to investigate, he never returns, leaving the passengers in a state of panic – particularly when Joe sees the driver’s mutilated body outside the carriage.”

Howl

“Realizing there’s something dangerous lurking in the forest, Joe tells the passengers to make barricades to secure themselves in the carriage, but soon the deadly creature is stalking the besieged train and smashing through their defenses, picking them off one-by-one. Joe rallies his “pack” of passengers to fight back. During a vicious battle they manage to kill the creature, revealing it to be a hideous mutated fusion of human and wild animal – a werewolf. However, celebrations are cut short when they hear more howls coming from the forest…”

Dog Soldiers

Howl stars Sean Pertwee, who appeared in the superior werewolf movie Dog Soldiers in 2002. He has experience dealing with these ferocious flea bags and is a good choice to have on board. And the train probably has a bar on it. Werewolves, trains and cocktails. I smell a sequel coming on.

Mars Gets Marred

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mission To Mars

In the futuristic year of 2010, a bunch of space guys ’n gals go to Mars to see how cheap the real estate is and end up discovering a mysterious dirt mountain that doesn’t want them to see what’s under all that lunar dust. So it forms itself into an uncircumcised weiner-esque tornado and sucks them up.

Mission To Mars

Time for a rescue crew to earn their NASA food stamps. After an over-long mishap that has the search mission abandoning ship right outside Mars’ stinky atmosphere, the survivors hitch a ride on an orbiting satellite (!), land it, and discover the Mars Face is real, made by a race of aliens that glow in the dark.

Mission To Mars

No brains get eaten, no space-borne infestation worming its way through an unsuspecting cerebral cortex. Just a lot of word barf and meager special effects.

Mission To Mars

Mission To Mars (2000) is remarkable in that it doesn’t make – or have – a point about anything. If only there were just one scene where a female astronaut wore a bikini space suit so we could see…Uranus. Man, that joke never gets old – heh.

Frozen Tornadoes

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ice Twisters

Ice Twisters (2009), an unhappy story of weather gone wild, is built on a premise of drought in the Pacific Northwest, with scientists not only artificially creating clouds, but seeding them to create rain. (Note to b*tt-hole scientists: I live in the Pacific Northwest; do NOT seed my f’n clouds. I don’t want science rain getting on my hair.)

Ice Twisters

Once primed with silver oxide these babies form a mega-storm cell, creating a phenomenon known as “vertical weather.” For those without a meteorological degree (everybody except me), that’s like turning your rump horizontally and farting super hard.

Ice Twisters

This condition actually sucks bad weather out of the stratosphere and delivers it in the form of extreme temperature drops and tornadoes that fling ice pellets around like a spraying machine gun. I know what you’re thinking – unless they’re made out of lead, umbrellas are useless. A man-made mega storm is headed straight for Portland, Oregon, spawning icy tornados that stand still, twirling and twirling in a spinning dance of doom.

Ice Twisters

Ice Twisters is a leap in science conjecture, not allowing any room for substantive evidence or proven weather-halting methods, like Superman or Jesus. The visual effects wouldn’t cut it in a Mario Bros. video game and the tornadoes barely interrupt Portland’s rush-hour traffic. And who is gonna fix the ozone after they’re done? If they don’t, we may as well just throw out a welcome mat for any passing space monster.