Archive for The Asylum

Amityville Overdose, Slenderman Diet, Human Popsicles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Amityville Horror: A True Story

Just when you think they couldn’t milk one more drop out of the Amityville Horror movie franchise cow, now word comes down the udder that 1974, a movie based on the true murders that happened in the infamous Amityville house, is going into production in September, 2017. This will be the 20th such Amytiville movie since 1979. That’s about 19 too many. (By comparison, the Friday the 13th series steps up to the empty plate with a mere 12 titles. In your hockey mask, Jason — ha!)

From the Internet: “On November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. shot and killed six members of his family at 112 Ocean Avenue, a large Dutch Colonial house situated in a suburban neighborhood in Amityville, on the south shore of Long Island, NY. He was convicted of second-degree murder in November 1975. In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house. After 28 days, the Lutzes left the house, claiming to have been terrorized by paranormal phenomena while living there.”

This, of course, was the basis for the first movie. And a good one it was, providing neat jump moments, scary this and thats, a flying pig with glowing eyes (better than it sounds), and a bunch of flies forming a halo around a preachy preacher. (A nod to Alice Cooper on that one.)

So why do we need YET ANOTHER Amityville horror movie? Because apparently there’s a significant number of you out there that weren’t even born when the movie first came out. How is that even possible? Suggestion: If you know how to read, try the Jay Anson book (The Amityville Horror: A True Story/1979) of the horrific account first, though. Bonus: you won’t have to plug it in.

Speaking of things you won’t be able to swipe to the left, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth the flick of the wrist…

Witch's Doll

WITCH’S DOLL (2017)
“Ambitious young true crime writer Adeline Gray travels to a remote English village to unravel the mystery behind a family’s murder. While investigating the prime suspect’s now derelict ‘Manor in the woods’, she notices a creepy life-size Victorian doll is following her from room-to-room. After a series of terrifying and inexplicable events, she believes the doll is carrying a hateful spirit wanting to be left alone. Desperate for a career defining story, Adeline’s persistent search for answers soon puts her too at the mercy of the Witch’s Doll.”

Yep, a complete and utter RIP-OFF of Annabelle, the evil doll from The Conjuring/Annabelle: Creation RIP-OFFS. And it should come as no surprise this comes from The Asylum, who have made a thriving career out of RIPPING OFF other people’s intellectual property. Feeling RIPPED OFF? You should.

Realive

REALIVE (October 3, 2017)
“Marc experiences a terrible shock when, at just 32, he is diagnosed with a disease and is given one year to live, at best. Unable to accept his death, he decides to freeze his body before the disease can impair it. Sixty years later, an institution called Prodigy Health Corporation manages to revive him. Although his return to life comes with many medical complications, his body clings to life. It’s the soul that is harder to heal.”

I’m soulless, so bringing me back from a frozen stasis to remove that pesky purple thing on my neck isn’t an argument. And the whole “human snow cone” thing should fall under my discount medical coverage. It better.

Slenderman

SLENDERMAN (Friday, May 18, 2018)
“A tall, thin horrifying figure with unnaturally long arms and a featureless face, is reputed to be responsible for the haunting and disappearance of countless children and teens.”

Getting rid of kids and teens? Gotta say — I’m already liking this man of slender. If this catches on, what do you bet they’ll come out with the Slenderman Diet program?

Tabbot's Traveling Carnivale of Terror

TABBOT’S TRAVELING CARNIVALE OF TERRORS (October 31 2018)
“This traveling carnival, a well-oiled machine of malignant deception moving into its third generation of grinding up choice guests and spitting them out, runs according to its own twisted family plan. Each Tabbott plays their part: Papa, the ringleader and ringmaster; Mama, the fat witch on her throne; the children: Bobbie, a seductively cunning fortune teller; Buck, the temperamental werewolf; Elijah, a silent scarecrow; and their darling Emma, the ghostly child you’d do well not to ignore.”

Sounds like they’re descendants of 1964’s 2000 Maniacs. In that gruesomely brutal (yet still kinda funny) one, people were lured into a small Deep South town for a Centennial celebration where the residents graphically killed them into picnic-sized portions. Had something to do with revenge, the Civil War and the people who just can’t seem to let the loss go.

Horror Gone To The Dogs

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Wild

What do you get when you take the two worst offenders to horror and sci-fi, and team up to make a horror movie about domesticated dogs turning on those who would pet them?

Night of the Wild

The answer comes in the form of the ill-conceived Night of the Wild, which has a meteor crash in a quiet town responsible for all the sudden, aggressive dog attacks on the residents. (Apparently the dogs thought they said “meatier” and got p*ssed when it wasn’t that way at all). That it’s filmed by The Asylum™ and shown on the Sy-Fy™ Channel (debuting Saturday, October 3, 2015), isn’t the bad idea part – that they kill dogs on screen (nothing graphic, but still…) is gonna make a lot of pet owners/animal lovers seriously unhappy.

Night of the Wild

Night of the Wild’s description goes on to say “now separated by the chaos in town and blocked roads, Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the bloodthirsty hounds before the dogs take over the whole town and escape becomes impossible.”

Maybe it’s time to introduce Asylum™ and Sy-Fy™ to Cujo (1983)…

Cujo

Mars: The Go-To Planet To Go To

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Martian

Do believe in Martians? If you’re like one of those Flat Earth/Hollow Earth conspiracy theorist idiots on YouTube™, you probably do.

And why the heck not? Mars is big news these days, what with tantalizing new pics coming in daily via NASA’s Curiosity Rover showing geo-formed rocks that look like actual residents kicking it around the Red Planet. Besides, since aliens are long known to have built factories on the dark side of the Moon – proven by blurry photos interpreted by pseudo-scientists and anyone with low-level credentials and/or white lab coats – Mars is way less boring than the Moon, which regularly gives werewolves a night out every 30 days.

Martian Land

Yeesh – all over the lunar surface here.

Anyway, two Mars based sci-fi movies headed toward your orbit: The Martian, a big-budget Ridley Scott interplanetary thriller starring Matt Damon, arriving in September 2015. And as could be expected, Martian Land from The Asylum – a low-budget horror/sci-fi film studio long established as idea thieves hiding under lawsuit-safe words like “mockumentary” and “homage,” releasing in the contrails of The Martian on October 6, 2015. The plots, if you will…

The Martian

The Martian: “During a human mission to Mars, astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) is presumed dead after being caught in a fierce storm, and is left behind when the rest of the crew evacuate the planet and begin to head back to Earth. Watney finds himself stranded and alone, with only meager supplies and his ingenuity, wit, and spirit to subsist and find a way to signal home, despite knowing that even if his survival is made known there is no prospect of a rescue.”

The Martian

Martian Land: “In the distant future mankind lives on Mars, in cities that resemble those once found on Earth, protected from the alien atmosphere by dome-like force-fields. When a massive sandstorm breaks through the dome and destroys Mars New York, those in Mars Los Angeles must figure out how to stop the storm before it wipes them out next.”

Mars New York/Mars Los Angeles. What, no Mars Canada?

So, if like those Flat Earth/Hollow Earth conspiracy theorist idiots on YouTube™ you have too much time on your hands, waste it on Martian Land. Everyone else – of which I hope there are many – see you in line to see The Martian.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

P.S. For a comprehensive study of Mars and its inhabitants, check out the definitive Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), in “space-blazing color, no less. Lab coat not required.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. So wrong and yet so right. Then again, the movie – designed to capitalize on the Sharknado cultural phenomenon – is being done by The Asylum, the movie studio that waits for someone else to come with an idea, then they “re-purpose it” for $1.49 for the bottom feeding cash-in.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Due out January 28, 2014, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark needs no more than a one sentence plot: “When a new Mega Shark threatens mankind, the government unleashes the top-secret Mecha Shark to defeat the monster in a pitched battle that threatens the planet.”

I’ll make a bold prediction here – the planet survives. You won’t, though.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Now that I’ve wrecked the entire movie for you, here’s something else to chew on: Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark was partially inspired by last summer’s RoboCroc (2013), a heartwarming tale of a science-enhanced crocodile that becomes mechanized and gets loose in a water park filled with the dying screams of kids that pee in the pool.

Expect more mecha mash-ups as Hollywood – even fake Hollywood – is clearly running out of ideas.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

P.S. Japanese sci-fi has had mechanical monsters battling their biological counterparts since the early ’70s. Heck, they even invented the word “mecha.” I wouldn’t blame them for peeing in the ocean where we get our shark sushi.