45 Shades of Vampire, Sex Addict Killer, Bigfoot Midwife

If you wear makeup and hunt vampires as a living or hobby, then you need Vampyre Cosmetics™ new Buffy the Vampire Slayer makeup collection. This “kit” contains everything short of a sharpened stake: lipstick, eyeliner and 45 shades of brush-on cheek highlighters to accentuate your inner creature of the night/daywalker.

The officially licensed Buffy Makeup Line comes in two versions: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Vampyr Book Palette ($79.99) and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Collection, which contains a book palette and book box, eyeliner/lipstick, photos of Buffy stars, an ornate makeup compact and more for a neck-sucking $109.99. FYI: The collections are available for preorder and ship May 13, 2024 and June 10 – 15, 2024 respectively. Click this to put on your best vampire-hunting face.

So while we all throw out our mayonnaise jars of La Prairie Skin Caviar Concealer Foundation™ to make room for these essential vampire makeup shades, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your pallor even more pallid than it is…

KILLER BODY COUNT / May 17, 2024 (Tubi™)

“Mistaken for a sex addict by her devout father, Cami is sent to an isolated rehab center. But when a killer begins to hunt the teens, Cami realizes that her survival and her independence are intertwined in ways she could never imagine.”

Bring your daughter to the slaughter. Heh. That’s also the title of a song on the soundtrack to A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989) by Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden. Maiden released it a year later on their eighth studio album, No Prayer For The Dying. Both “Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter” and No Prayer For The Dying would’ve been better titles for this movie. 

HELLOWEEN / October 10, 2024 (VOD)

“During 2016’s ‘killer clown’ craze, Dr. Marks and journalist Parker trace the source to jailed serial killer Cane, recruiting followers for an anarchist movement. With Cane escaped, they race to stop his murderous Halloween scheme.”

Makes sense as anarchists are already a bunch of clowns. Which means this is more like a bowel movement than an anarchist movement. P.S. Helloween is also the name of the excellent German heavy metal band that started in 1984. They’re still using the name, so piss off Helloween the horror movie. 

KUNG FU SLAYERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A good-natured vampire who must use his powers to defeat an old nemesis who has kidnapped his son.”

Since when are vampires good natured? Is he a blood-sucking Mormon? 

WOMB / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A pregnant woman trapped in a remote hunting cabin battles to escape the clutches of a deranged hunter, obsessed with abducting her full-term fetus. The plot is allegedly based on true events.”

A full-term pregnant woman in a remote hunting cabin. That means her only option for a midwife is…Bigfoot. Hey, it could be worse — she could be attended to by Cocaine Bear.

Black and White Ghosts

Ju-On: White Ghost/Black Ghost (2009) is two films (eighth and ninth) in the successful but ground-into-the-ground Ju-On/Grudge horror movie franchise. There are 11 such movies, 12 if you include the crossover mash-up Sadako vs. Kayako having been released in Japan on June 18, 2016. The only thing that sucks worse than 12 movies featuring pretty much the same theme/ghost creature(s), is not being able to see it. (SvK is only available in Japan with no release plans as of yet for me to check it out. Those dicks.)

With Ju-On, meaning “curse” and/or “grudge”, a person (not me) can be infected by the touch of a revenge wadded spirit, all of whom look the same: pure white skin with long black ick hair and a creaky door hinge sound that emanates from a mouth held wide open. Spooky the first seven times, but not so much anymore.

White Ghost/Black Ghost is two tales of violent family happenings told out of sequence in character perspectives. Ingredients inlcude vengeance, violence and creaky door hinge mouth sounds. The “grudge” gets into the young uncle of a family: cute little niece, older sarcastic niece, mom, dad and loony tunes grandma. Uncle is pedophile weird and snaps once the grudge gets all up in his wheelhouse. He then quietly and wordlessly murders the entire family, several in f’d up gruesome ways.

How gruesome? In short segments, you see the before and aftermath of what happened. (Hard to keep track, especially with the sub-titles and the moving of lips while trying to read ’em). But once you see the deadly deeds, it all fits together like a pain puzzle at the end with everything visually explained. (One in particular hard to watch.)

Same thing in Black Ghost. This time it’s a young girl who was supposed to be a twin, but was born solo. Seems the stronger fetus “assimilated” the weaker one, and absorbed what was to be her soul. Now, years later, the womb mate wants her turn in the spotlight. And thanks to their really hot young aunt with witch-y inclinations, she puts the “you” in uterus.

The exorcising segment is entertaining for two reasons: the unborn sister’s face pushing up through the host stomach (quite unintentionally funny), and the aunt making quick, protective hand motions over her niece’s body. Looked like she was trying to fling metaphysical peanut butter off her fingers. And what happens next is pure peanut butter hitting the fan.

Two ghost movies for the price of one, neither of which are particularly scary, but with enough harsh moments to make creaky door hinge sounds leak out of your yap.

One Hell of a Halloween

Lots of new Halloween-themed horror movies lining up outside your/my door this year, looking to fill their bags with treats (i.e., cash). Hellions, which was screened at the Sundance Film Festival way back in the ancient days of January 2015, looks to lead the pack, despite borrowing notable elements from previous horror movies. (Borrowing is the new steal.)

Hellion’s premise is straightforward: “A pregnant teenager must survive a Halloween night from Hell when malevolent trick-or-treaters come knocking at her door.”

Four weeks pregnant – and she only hooked up last week. Funny how time flies when you’re having horizontal fun.

So these eerie/creepy/spooky kids in handmade Halloween cosplay, torment little Miss Unprotected Sex, telling her to give them what they came for. I’m thinkin’ it isn’t safe booty advice. That the gal’s pregnancy is progressing so quickly means that someone or something is hitting the fast-forward button on her womb of doom.

Of course, strangers appearing out of nowhere demanding to be given something is not new. For instance, in Storm of the Century, Stephen King’s 1999 TV mini-series, André Linoge, a seriously menacing dude, shows up as a mega storm is about to bury Little Tall Island (off the coast of Maine) in a world of whacked winter weather.

He somehow knows the dirty little secrets of the entire town’s citizens and keeps saying, “Give me what I want, and I’ll go away.” I’m thinkin’ it’s probably not a sno-cone.

As for the little creeps in Hellions, one of ‘em sure looks like he borrowed some fashion tips from Sam, the Halloween mascot from Trick ‘R Treat (2007), a surprisingly cool horror anthology. FYI: The burlap look is back and is the must-have season accessory.