Archive for voodoo

Enfant Terrible, Kaiju Cadaver, Possessed Snow

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Child’s Play, the 1988 horror movie hit about Chucky, a serial killing 36” toy doll (made so via a voodoo soul transfer of the cutlery-inclined murder guy, Charles Lee Ray), has gone on to become one of the most successful horror movie franchises of all time. The scorecard: seven films, a television series, comic books, video games, micro-beer, and tie-in merchandise, generating over $250 million killer coupons. And Chucky, the “tiny tycoon of terror,” has impressive body count accomplishments that eclipse those of Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees and Halloween’s Michael Myers

So it makes perfect financial sense someone would do a Child’s Play documentary. Titled Living With Chucky, the doc comes out on Screambox™ in early 2023, and slices deep into the persistent popularity of the pliable puppet.

From the official press release: “Written and directed by Kyra Elise Gardner, Living With Chucky explores the roots of the iconic horror franchise and details the history of production, as well as focusing on Gardner’s own relationship with the series and what Chucky means to her. Not only is she a franchise super-fan, Gardner has a closer relationship to Chucky than most — her father is puppeteer and designer Tony Gardner, who worked on a number of Child’s Play films as well as leading puppetry on the recent Chucky TV series. Gardner even lovingly refers to Chucky as her “mass murdering 3-foot-tall redheaded stepbrother.”

So while we wait for Living With Chucky and the inevitable Chucky Condoms™ (rubber — get it?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as resilient as killer Tupperware™… 

WHAT TO DO WITH A DEAD KAIJU / Out now (VOD)

“A large monster attacks Japan, but dies suddenly. While the people rejoice and bask in relief, the giant corpse left behind begins to slowly rot and bloat. If it explodes, the nation will be destroyed.”

A rotting and bloated corpse of a giant monster is about to explode and destroy the nation. I need that tattooed somewhere on my forehead.

ORBITAL / Pending release 2022 (VOD)

“Peter Randof uses his wealth to construct a massive ring around Earth. Destined to finish the project, the fully-constructed mega-structure leads to unforeseen consequences.”

Let’s re-frame this with a metaphor we can all relate to: the ring is the seat, Earth is the toilet. That established, you already know what the “unforeseen” consequences are.

SNOW FALLS / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“After a winter storm strands five friends in a remote cabin with no power and little food, disorientation slowly claims their sanity as each of them succumbs to a fear that the snow itself may be contaminated or somehow evil.”

One only needs to reflect on the 1974 wisdom of Frank Zappa in regards to tainted winter weather: “Watch out where the Huskies go, and don’t you eat that yellow snow.” Words to live by. Music to dance to.

SHELBY OAKS / July, 2023 (VOD)

“A woman’s desperate search for her long-lost sister falls into obsession upon realizing that the imaginary demon from their childhood may have been real.”

There’s no such thing as “imaginary demons.” Real demons are all over the place. Start with your bartender and go from there.

Candlelight Horror, Bowel Creatures, Ghost Kid

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

What does Liquid Death™ (canned mountain water with a misleading name), Halloween (Christmas for Pagans) and DYI homemaking diva Martha Stewart (she makes killer cookies) have in common? Five words: “The Dismembered Moments Luxury Candle.”

Yep, The Martha has teamed up with Liquid Death™ to produce a collectible Halloween candle: a severed hand holding a can of Liquid Death™. From the press release: “This is considered her most R-rated collab to date; Martha brings death to plastic and ‘lends a hand’ in promoting sustainability and natural flavors.”

Lend a hand. That’s mildly amusing. From The Martha’s website: “Packaged in a beautifully-designed eco-friendly gift box, the all-black, paraffin-based, unscented candle depicts a life-size severed hand gripping a Liquid Death™ can, decorated with a bold red wick. It measures 7″ tall, 26.6 oz with a 60 hour burn time. And the ‘Dismembered Moments’ candle is now available for purchase exclusively on Martha.com for $58.00.”

A $58 dollar candle promoting a company that should be making energy beer instead of water (including three non-alcoholic flavors: “Mango Chainsaw,” “Severed Lime,” “Berry It Alive”). I need time to process this.

So while you’re quenching your thirst with water that comes in a can instead of a public swimming pool, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as scary as an R-rated Martha Stewart

DEEP FEAR / October 11, 2022 (VOD/Screambox™)

“Three young, freshly graduated students decide to have a little fun visiting the catacombs. Little do they know their expedition will soon turn into a nightmare. Sonia and her friends Max and Henry will have to try and escape from a strange creature hiding in the bowels of the Earth, hoping to make it back to the surface, and out of Hell’s claws.”

Hell’s claws. Ouch. Who writes these soundbites? I’d say it was me, but admittedly that’s way better than I’m capable of coming up with. Better yet, watch The Descent (2005) for decent Earth-bowel’d creatures that don’t need cheesy soundbites.

DARK GLASSES / October 13, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A serial killer who preys on prostitutes sets his sights on Diana. As he pursues her, he causes a car crash, in which she is blinded and 10-year-old Chin’s entire family dies. Despite her blindness, Diane resolves to take the boy in. But the killer is still on the loose.”

Why are serial killers always so darn mean? They must be Republicans.

A SAVANNAH HAUNTING / October 28, 2022 (Select theaters/Digital platforms)

“A family moves to Savannah, GA to distance themselves from the brutal memories of their daughter’s death. Once in their new home, the mother slowly grows to believe she is being haunted by her dead daughter. They discover a more sinister force may be at work as ties to Savannah’s ruthless slave history and its long connection with voodoo are revealed, but it may be too late for their family to survive.”

Haunted by a dead daughter. Looks like you should’ve been less chintzy with the allowance. Clearly the paycheck-shorted dead daughter is back to scare the loose change out of you. 

BUNKER / Pending release 2023

“Trapped in a bunker during World War I, a group of soldiers are faced with an ungodly presence that slowly turns them against each other. As paranoia and fear grow between them, the men experience the true hell of war.”

I liked this better when it was called Deathwatch (2002).

White Privilege Zombie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

White Zombie

Madeleine and Neil are in love and want to get married at a Haitian plantation. Sounds romantic. And hey, Monsieur Beaumont owns a Haitian plantation; why not go to Haiti and get hitched in the middle of the night while zombies roam and voodoo drum solos echo across the countryside?

White Zombie

But that sly ’ol dog Beaumont has a hidden agenda. His flimsy plan is to get Madeline there and somehow try to convince her to dump Neil and let him feel her up, through sickness and in health. He explains this while walking her down the aisle. Nice timing, dude.

White Zombie

But Beaumont didn’t get that nice suit by taking the long way around success. He contacts his neighbor Legendre, an evil man whose very glare will make you poop in your pants. And he knows how to turn you into a zombie (which accounts for all those minimum wage workers in his castle and mill). He wants Legendre to use his black mojo to make Madeline hook up with him. Legendre gives the emotionally f’d up Beaumont some zombie dust.

White Zombie

One minute after being pronounced Mrs. Neil Something, she smells her wedding bouquet and, wham, deader than a door nail. Neil freaks. Beaumont takes the body away and sure enough, it comes back to life. But not life as he thought. Madeline is as emotionless as a married couple, and hardly even blinks. Beaumont goes back to Legendre and wants a refund. Slight problem — once a zombie, always a zombie. 

White Zombie

Meanwhile, Neil and a priest friend try and find his corpse bride. Well, heck — she’s wandering around Legendre’s beach front castle (complete with zombie maids and stunning ocean views from every room except the dungeon). Neil finds Madeline, but she gives him the cold shoulder. (Neil didn’t know she was a zombie. Heck, he thought she was dead.) 

White Zombie

A small scuffle ensues with Legendre ultimately being thrown off one of his many scenic balconies onto the beach rocks below. It’s only after Legendre dies that the zombie spell is broken. Neil’s future is now full of smooches and feeling ups.

White Zombie

White Zombie (1932) has an interesting premise and is full of Bela Lugosi eyebrow close-ups, which look like sweater sleeves taped to his forehead. But shabby pacing, no real scares, and several glasses of spilled wine slow this thing down to a zombie crawl. (I don’t drink wine, but I hate to see ANY alcohol go to waste.)

Black Arts Supermodel

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Art of the Devil

In Art of the Devil (2004), Boom is a supermodel hot Thai gal who uses voodoo to blackmail her wealthy boyfriend into giving her cash money bling for knocking her up. Oops — he’s married and has a family. Awkward.

Art of the Devil

Hell hath no fury like a supermodel scorned. Enlisting the black magic skills of a local barber by day and voodoo master by later in the day, she puts the ex in expire. She invokes him throw up a whole pile of razor blades. (I’m no expert, but aren’t those things supposed to be used on the outside of the stomach?)

Art of the Devil

Flashbacks abound with the character-heavy story showing how she was hit by a van and lost her baby. She later gives the fetus to the voodoo barber who puts it on his black magic hibachi during a ceremony. I could’ve done without seeing that.

Art of the Devil

Blood flows all over everyone’s white clothes, which is a nice contrast. Boom finds out in the end it’s not cool to kill people with the Black Arts. Anyone else left standing, well, their wounds will heal in time for the sequels (there are two more). As for the barber, I wonder how much he charges for a little off the top?

Ghosts, Voodoo and Ex-Wives

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blackburn

I just figured this out the other day — it’ll take me 120 years to watch every horror/sci-fi movie ever made. And that’s IF Hollywood and all these do-it-yourself Scorceses stop making more of ’em right now; I don’t think I have much more than another 120 years left in me.

BLACKBURN (available now)
“A forest fire and rock-slide trap five bickering college friends in a small Alaskan ghost town with a horrifying history. When they seek refuge inside the torched ruins of Blackburn Asylum, they must fight to survive as the angry inhabitants slaughter the friends one-by-one.”

This one came out in the UK last September (2015, if you’re entering this in some sort of blog log). Why they got it before my zip code is a stunning affront to my community standing as a dumbass horror movie fanatic. Blackburn is another “ghosts in an abandoned insane asylum” story. On second thought, the UK can keep it as I’ve seen that SAME MOVIE 150,000 times. Give or take.

Voodoo

VOODOO (February 24, 2017)
“Dani, an innocent southern girl, is vacationing in Los Angeles to evade her increasingly complicated life. Once Dani arrives in L.A., she learns that trying to escape her past is not as easy as she had hoped.”

Makes you wonder what an “innocent southern girl” did that was so f’d up as to run away to Los Angeles, home of f’d up people with bad pasts, presents and futures. I bet as part of her chores she forgot to milk a cow and it exploded. Now there’s a movie I could get into.

The Ninth Passenger

THE NINTH PASSENGER (2017)
“There are eight partying college students aboard the luxury yacht owned by an evil biotechnology CEO, who’s the father of one of the passengers. The trip goes sideways when they drift to a dark island and both their engine and radio fail. At the same time “something” sneaks onto the yacht — the ninth passenger.”

Could the ninth passenger be an island seal with a penchant for human flesh? We eat seals, so it’s only fair they get a shot at our blubber for a change. Too bad the boat isn’t loaded with Eskimos; that’d be some epic payback.

Red Net

RED NET (2017)
“Internet hackers are looking for a missing man, but what they find are shocking videos in which a man is questioned and severely tortured by two mysterious women.”

Gonna toss this out there: They’re both his ex-wives. If so, the poor guy is beyond doomed.

Italian Possession

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Il Demonia

The residents of a mountain village in Southern Italy think the local peasant girl Purif is demonically possessed. Just because she does the upside down spider walk (predating the one in the extended version of The Exorcist by 10 years) and goons out when a cross is liberally applied to her forehead isn’t exactly proof. Then again, when you live in a remote town where the houses are made of stone and the local crops are rock, you’re quick to hysterical superstition. (There’s nothing else to do for entertainment there except water the rock crops.)

Il Demonia

But had they stopped freaking out for just a dang second, they’d discover Purif isn’t evil saturated at all, but a young girl scorned by Antonio, the only guy left in town without shattered shards for teeth. (Gravel is a bit tough on the tooth.) So she can be forgiven for attempting half-baked voodoo, freaking out and trying to disrupt his wedding ceremony with goats and what looks to be a dead bunny rabbit. (She didn’t kill Mr. Fuzzy; probably some other demon possessed person or a harvested rock did it.)

Il Demonia

To make matters worse, her freakouts, which give illustrative meaning to the phrase, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” aren’t doing a lot to argue the contrary. When Purif’s hauled into church, she flips over and does the inverted spider dance move while the priest and a gaggle of onlookers just stare with their toothless mouths open in disbelief. And nowhere is disbelief more evident than in a church.

Il Demonia

While Antonio is getting ready to fulfill his husbandly duties to a gal with a uni-brow and whose clearly not happy to be fulfilled, Purif continues her goon out. This forces the villagers to push her down on the rock crops, throw rock crops at her and banish her from ever setting foot back in the rock crops ever again. (Earlier attempts to torch the “witch” failed because hey, ROCK DOESN’T BURN.) And to add filler to this diller, Purif is tied up and G-rated assaulted twice, once by a priest and another a toothless, bearded hag. (Apologies to the Stones — the band, not the village’s primary food source.)

Il Demonia

Such are the not-so-happy moments of Il Demonia (1963) with no sub-titles to enhance its quirky nuances. As could be expected, it does not end well for Purif. When she finally persuades Antonio to re-rock the casbah just a day after his marriage, he fatals her out of guilt and/or shame. That was not very knife of him. Too bad; she had all of her teeth. Off the hook bat-sh*t crazy, but man, nice chompers.

Cooking Rice For Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rigor Mortis

Chin Siu-ho, star of Mr. Vampire (1985), has a problem. He just moved into a functioning slum apartment building with the intention of committing suicide (his wife left him). But while hanging from an overhead fan (he must be in one of the deluxe slum units), twin chick ghosts materialize at the opportunity and take over his soon-to-be dead body. Carpe diem.

Rigor Mortis Before this can come to fruition, Yau, a chain-smoking downstairs neighbor in his boxers and robe, busts down the door, battles the ghost gals and makes them go back in the wall from whence they came. Behold the power of boxers and robes. Yau, if you haven’t deduced, is a retired vampire hunter. And he has to un-retire to smack those ghost chick creatures.

Rigor Mortis

Elsewhere in the stylish squalor, Tung, a foul-mouthed old man, tells his wife Meiyi he’s going on a saki bender for a few days. He unfortunately falls face first down the hi-rise stairs and splat dies. Fortunately, there’s a black magic expert also living in the building. Gau helps the market fresh widow preserve the body in the bathtub in voodoo dirt and puts a voodoo chain mask on him, advising her to never remove the mask. Mask comes off, Tung turns into a jiangshi. (Wikipedia: Chinese “hopping” vampire, ghost, or zombie, a type of reanimated corpse in Chinese legends and folklore.)

Rigor Mortis

Not sure how this all ties together, especially when informed that glutinous rice is used to combat vampires. Yau tells Chin Siu-ho that after all the vampires are vanquished, vampire hunters become restaurant owners/cooks as they need a job and they’re pretty good making rice. You never think of these things.

Rigor Mortis

All these ingredients come to a boil as Yau, never bothering to put on his pants, teams with Chin Siu-ho and has a holy throw down with the ghost chicks, who have blood tendrils coming out of every orifice. Then they have to deal with Tung, whose hopping all over the place and causing grievous bodily harm. And I thought my apartment building was bad.

Rigor Mortis

Rigor Mortis (2013) is strikingly atmospheric and loaded with grim and gruesome visuals. The in-house vamps will goon you out, especially when a flashback tells you how they became ghosts, a short but vicious sequence. My only complaint to an otherwise solid horror movie is they didn’t show you how to cook glutinous rice. Whenever I make it, the dang stuff sticks to everything. And it’s pretty much useless against the vampires in my apartment building. Maybe I need to add garlic butter or something.

Shark Bubbles

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deep Blood

You don’t have to put on Shark Exorcist (2015) to watch a supremely crappy shark movie. Just go on YouTube™ and pull up the obscure Deep Blood, a 1989 Italian shark flick, featuring no fishy action or graphic kill scenes whatsoever. So why did I watch it? It was free. But free in this case meant you’ll pay a price — 90 minutes of your expiration date.

Deep Blood

The title comes from a pact four young boys made to alway be friends and to kill a great white shark lest one of them should be eaten by one. Guess what happens? 10 years later the boys reunite for a fishing vacation at a small beach community stalked by a marauding shark. (Likely an out of towner, also on vacation.) One of the boys is sharked to death and the remaining friends make another pact: kill that shark hard for what it did.

Deep Blood

Vengeance is the first thing on their minds (with boobies coming in a very close second). They prep their trap while the shark (stock footage of several great white sharks swimming in circles and occasionally coming to the surface for air) munches on beach food. The kills are nothing more than screaming swimmers in an eruption of blood bubbles (or “Texas Champagne”). You don’t see the shark actually doing any attacking, just a lot of red froth. And screaming.

Deep Blood

The boys’ plan is to use explosives to turn the shark into puzzle pieces. Gonna be a challenge as the mean fish is thought to be an incarnation of an ancient hoodoo (West African spiritual traditions and beliefs) spirit that took the form of a killer shark.

Deep Blood

So yeah, African spirit hoodoo sharks (different ones spliced in to emphasize the premise) in Italy. A more entertaining idea would’ve been to do a movie about voodoo spaghetti. And instead of blood, they could use tomato sauce, which I hear is smiliar in color. Just thinking out loud.

Zombie Croc: Reanimated Reptile

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Croc

In horror movies, crocodiles, or “alligators,” have been super-sized, mechanized and man-made to terrorize for our viewing pleasure. But when was the last time you saw a walking dead gator? Now you can with the release of Zombie Croc, billing itself as 35 feet of undead reptilian terror. Only thing missing is some drunk rednecks with shotguns and…oh, wait…

Zombie Croc

The best way to bring a crocodile back from the dead is with voodoo. I know what you’re thinking; what about a space virus or secret government/military powdered gas or sweet refreshing pollution? Those things cost money. Voodoo is practically free – just yammer out a bunch of nonsensical curse words, shake some bones (not your own, you pervs), and get this party started.

Zombie Croc

Speaking of parties, the voodoo-risen zombie croc crashes a birthday party and chomps down all the screaming desserts. Earlier he ate a clown hired to perform at said box social. He said the clown tasted funny. (Heh.)

Zombie Croc

Zombie Croc (also listed as A Zombie Croc as well – not sure why) was screened in July of 2015 at a party I wasn’t invited to. (That’s ok; I sent zombie croc in my place.) When will ZC be commercially released to fulfill your low-budget horror comedy needs? Dunno. Their movie’s Facebook™ page is as weak as the storyline.

That Puppet Is Such A Doll

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bride of Chucky

Before he used voodoo to transfer his soul into the plastic casing of a child-sized toy serial killer who chased little boys around, Charles Lee Ray (i.e., Chucky) had a girlfriend. Tiffany (played by the gorgeous Jennifer Tilly) is a top-heavy, walking pin-up of an accomplice. I’ll say it for you: she’s got looks that kill.

Bride of Chucky

In Bride of Chucky (1998), the third installment of the Child’s Play franchise, Tiffany promises to help find a living body for Charles to transfer his soul into if he’ll marry her when he’s made human again. That’s one hell of a pre-nup. Due to the size of her, um, ambitions, she has a LOT of takers. (I’m still waiting my turn.)

Bride of Chucky

Retrieving Chucky’s chunks from a police locker, Tiffany sews the doll back together, giving the toy infected Frankenstein zig-zag stitching and an eye socket that looks like an exit wound. But Chucky has other plans other than marriage for Tiffany, which involves killing her and bringing her back to life with voodoo then transferring her soul into a doll. Geez, all they had to do was go to a counselor.

Bride of Chucky

She dolls up (sorry), and gives her new self a sexy makeover and Chucky is about to get lucky. Right before they have doll sex, Tiffany asks, “Have you got a rubber?” Chuck: “Have I got a rubber? Tiff, look at me…I’m ALL rubber!” Still laughing over that one.

Bride of Chucky

Despite all the ancillary killings and blood screams and other tedious stuff, that scene alone should tell you there’s more sequels (Seed of Chucky/2004 and Curse of Chucky/2013). Back to the video store, as I need to know how this is finally, finally, finally gonna end.