Future Sharks and Penguins

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

The plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

The Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

German vs. Germ, Man

The flesh-eaters in The Flesh-Eaters (1964) are miniature marshmallow-sized sparkly organisms in the water that eat your flesh. You don’t need to know where they came from or why human flesh is the only thing that makes their tummies feel all nice ’n happy. All you really need to know is that the handsome pilot of a chartered sea plane and his two hot clients (an alcoholic movie starlet and her tight-sweatered assistant) were forced to land on a barren island whose waters are teeming with said hungry microbes.

Thinking they’ll have to wait out the storm by sleeping in the dirt, a German scientist scuba diver comes out of the surf and lets them sleep in his zelt (tent). Ach du lieber — this man’s a Nazi! Accent aside, he seems nice — AT FIRST. He even acts appropriately sympathetic when a picked-to-the-bone skeleton washes up on shore (Was not aware skeletons were bouyant.). “Must’ve been a shark,” he rationally deduces. There’s German logic for you.

With no coconuts to make a radio out of, the castaways have to wait a few days for a supply boat. But the German — like all zelt-dwelling Germans — has a secret agenda. He figured out a way to stun the microbes. By throwing a positive and negative charge into the water he can immobilize the twerps, then put ’em in jars and eBay™ ’em off to the highest bidding government as a war weapon.

But what the Nazi didn’t count on was that the electricity makes the organisms bond together and grow into an electric shellfish with one eye. Fortified with 10,000 volts, this “electro-crab,” the size of Godzilla’s dining room table, rises out of the ocean, ready to shock and awe. Mostly shock, though.

Can the pilot save the day with his good looks? Will the Nazi get a taste of his own burning flesh? Will the hot assistant find another reason to take off her shirt? Man, they really knew how to make drama-filled sci-fi back in 1964.

Zombie Dinosaur

Zombie dinosaur. Why the hell not? Do dinosaurs thing they’re too big (metaphorically speaking) to get used as a punchline to a low-budget indie sci-fi film? If so, I got a weather shark I wanna introduce you to.

Z-Rex: The Jurassic Dead (releasing 2016, I think) stomps around like this: “A cracked scientist aligns with the Axis of Evil to bring down the US of A with EMP blasts, toxic zombification gas and an unleashing of the ultimate undead killing monstrosity — the Z-Rex. When a hot-wired militia squad and a crew of college hipsters are thrown together to do something about it, chaotic Predator-Thunder action runs amok.”

Makes sense in this current political climate that the ad poster would feature a bunch of stereotyped loud-mouthed Republican gun-thugs over the actual dinosaur itself. On second thought, that sounds exactly like Congress.

Planet of the Sharks

Planet of the Sharks. Guess it was only a matter of time. A world where sharks swim and humans can’t? A watered down Discovery Channel™ documentary with commercials every two minutes? Another Asylum Studios turd in a punch bowl? As much as I want to say all of the above, here’s the plot for this TV movie releasing July 25, 2016…

“In the near future, glacial melting has covered 98% of earth’s landmass. Sharks have flourished and now dominate the planet, operating as one massive school led by a mutated alpha shark.”

No doubt Planet of the Sharks will feature a lot of Selachimorpha (science sharks), but since this is being released under the Asylum banner, you can bet not one of ’em will be real. This is a slap on the fin to all those real shark actors out of work.

Shark Porn

Ever notice how Lou Diamond Phillips looks just like porn legend Peter North? From the neck up, anyway.

In the rogue shark movie Red Water (2003), Lou plays a charter boat captain in Louisiana in financial trouble because his business is seasonal and his customers aren’t. He used to work on oil rigs, but they had a blow out and two guys were killed. It wasn’t Lou’s fault, but he blames himself and traded his hot wife and career to own a stinky boat that barely floats. I probably would’ve done the same thing, but kept the hot wife (in case the boat quit working and we needed to be rowed back to land).

Speaking of which, she shows up as a rep for the EPA wanting to charter his boat so she can keep tabs on the oil drilling going on up river. Lou’s hot ex-wife is played by Kristy Swanson, the original and ONLY Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Also in the drilling zone is three million dollars scuttled when the feds were closing in on a drug run gone horribly awry.

Now the drug dealer who owns the spending rights wants it all back and hires a shark-bitten scuba expert/criminal to retrieve it. He also sends rap icon Coolio along to keep an eye on things. Coolio has played good guys before, but he really shines here as a gangsta thug brandishing a gun to cap yo’ ass and using appropriate street talk to get his point across.

Prior to these soon-to-cross scenarios, a 12-foot bull shark has made it up river and has eaten several people. I see you waving a red flag here: sharks are salt water fish. Not so fast — bull sharks are ambidextrous. The criminals clash with Lou, resulting in a MANY opportunities to bleed in the water. To a hungry shark, that’s like a refreshing human beverage to wash down its hourly meals.

Realistic criminal behavior, all-purpose explosions and enlarged fish attacks build up to a well-staged climax. Lou’s past factors in nicely on the final face-off with the shark (which looks like its made of some sort of water-proof rubber when it launches (!) out of the water to eat people).

The oil drill, it should be noted, looks to be of Peter North proportions, if you catch my drift. But it’s the snappy dialogue and double-crossing gangstas that are the real heroes here.

The Age of Sharks

Makes sense that the stunningly gorgeous Blake Lively would go from The Age of Adaline (2015) – a dreamy-eyed romance story with a sci-fi twist – to starring in a shark horror movie. She’s quite yummy – and sharks love to eat yummy things.

Hitting the shores June 24, 2016, The Shallows has Blake as a surfer on a secluded beach getting attacked by a great white and stranded on a pile of sharp-y coral, bleeding and screaming – two more things sharks totally love. She’s 200 yards from shore. The shark is between her and safety sand. That’s the whole plot. And that’s all we need.

Doesn’t suck that Blake is in a string bikini the ENTIRE MOVIE. Or that the shark has a mouth built for two. But because Blake is a big time movie star, it’s no spoiler to assume she’s gonna come out of this alive. Not her surf board, though. (Sorry to spoil that for you.)

The last truly scary shark movie in recent memory was The Reef (2010), in which a few people on a sinking sailboat in the middle of the ocean, decide to swim to a shore they can’t see in any direction. While they’re making paddle, a great white shark is shadowing them the whole way, making snack runs when feeling peckish. Here’s the kicker – the movie uses a real shark, as they did in Open Water (2004).

Your best bet to survive a shark attack in the middle of the ocean is to pollute the water. So make sure you load up on Taco Bell™ before sailing on a non-seaworthy boat or doing any discount scuba diving.

The Future of The X-Files

As a slobbering devout fan of The X-Files television series, which ran from 1993 to 2002 – and two movies: The X-Files: Fight The Future/1998 and The X-Files: I Want To Believe/2008 –  by the end I was still left with a few unanswered questions, one of which was whether or not Agent Dana Scully is single/available or secretly seeing/doing Agent Muldar, her long-time FBI partner, on the side. (It’s never been stated out loud to my satisfaction.)

Got another shot at closure with the return of the series for one season in January 2016, reuniting key X-Files stars, minus the Lone Gunmen, all three of whom died in episode 15 of the ninth season, titled “Jump The Shark.” (That term is defined as a point in a television series, at which far-fetched events are included merely for the sake of novelty, indicative of a decline in quality.)

It’s also a famous reference to a 1977 Happy Days episode where Fonzi, on water skies and wearing a motorcycle jacket, ski jumps over a holding pen that has a leather-eating shark in it. Say what you will, but I was on the edge of my seat for that one – cheering for the shark.

Speaking of happy days, here’s what to expect from the new mini series: “The return of The X-Files comes thirteen years after the original series run and brings six brand new episodes from creator/executive producer Chris Carter, mixing stand-alone episodes and those that further the original show’s mythology. Stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are re-inhabiting their roles as FBI Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Mitch Pileggi also returns as FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner.” (AD Skinner is totally badass.)

Even more amazing is that they’re resurrecting the way nasty Cigarette Smoking Man. CSM died in The X-Files’ last episode, his journey to the other side enabled by rocket missiles, right before he told Muldar and Scully that the aliens are scheduled to invade Earth in 2012. (That actually happened. No one noticed.)

The X-Files returns Sunday, January 24th, 2016 at 10pm EST and again the following night at 8pm EST on the Fox Network, with the premiere episode scheduled to screen at the New York Comic Con on October 10, 2015.

Only one other question in regards to the new X-Files – looking at the promo pics, I’m wondering out loud if Agent Scully has been taking supermodel pills? That gal is one hot dish, or “saucer.” Heh.

House of Shark

I’m thinkin’ that shark movies are the new karaoke – anyone can do one and it doesn’t matter how bad you are at it.

So now comes House Shark, filming now (August 2015) and targeting June 2016 as a release date. While we wait, there will no doubt be several more Sharknado sequels to grin and groan over.

So what’s with House Shark? Not one single morsel of plot has been announced. I don’t think they need one – no one else who made a shark movie did.

Cartoon vs. Carnivore

Archie vs. Sharknado. Not only am I NOT making it up, it’s actually a for-purchase comic book for $4.99 [click HERE]. As wacky as this is, thankfully it’s not a movie. I don’t think I could take that.

So yeah, famed comic book cartoon icons Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica and Reggie –  sugaring up the pop culture pipeline since in 1941 – brave a shark storm after sharknados are spotted on the “Feast” Coast. They have to figure out how to get back to Riverdale, where the storm is about to hit next.

Just once I’d like to see everything hit the fans and their legs and arms get bitten off and splewn (splattered and strewn) all over “Betsy,” Archie’s famed 1916 Ford Model T jalopy. Oh wait, the junk heap was permanently demolished (not by sharks) in Archie Digest #239, published in October 2007.

Now that certain lines have been crossed, there’ nothing left to do except wait for Casper vs. Ghost Hunters.

Holy Shirt – It’s Whalewolf!

Hate to resort to filthy gutter talk to vent my frustrations, but gosh ding dong dang it – every time I come up with a new horror/sci-fi movie monster, somebody else has beaten me to the punchline.

Such is the case with the upcoming Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf, airing on the SyFy Channel™ on July 19, 2015. I thought up Whalewolf – a cross between a whale and a werewolf – several years ago. Even then I was too late as the The Field Guide to Doomsday blog created their own Whalewolf as a creature of the Apocalypse back in 2011. Son of a beehive.

I shouldn’t get my panties in a pinch; Sharktopus (2010) was coined by Futurama in 1999, long before the ratings winner turned up in a feature “film.”

So here’s how Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf goes down: “When a mad scientist mixes the genes of a killer whale and a wolf, it creates the Whalewolf, and it’s up to Sharktopus to stop it.”

I recently came up with Snoa Constrictor and even designed a fake movie poster for it, only to find out Adventure Time got there first. Flippin’ flap. I better brew up some Chamomile tea so I don’t get further stressed out.