Row Yer Boat To Hell
A big ass huge cargo ship roams the seas, its only passengers being seven people who suddenly wake up and don’t know where the hell they are. And Hell™ is precisely this vacation’s destination. Think Titanic meets Poltergeist.
Each of these douche bag victims has done something in the past that put them on the You Lose Cruise. There’s a couple of greaseball crooks, a scheming Russian guy, a movie producer, a model/actress/do-it-with-anyone-who’s-a-producer chick and a prison inmate.
The steward shows up and informs them that they can wander about the ship, but to not try and breach any closed doors (ghosts are doing stuff behind them). And no jumping overboard, either, ’cause the water will eat your brains. Sorry — wishful thinking. Of course, they need someone to break the rules to set an example for the others. I’d do it but I’m busy.
As they find out this tub is commandeered by Charon, The Ferryman, the guy that takes you to Hell, which just happens to be inside that lightning-powered whirlpool off the port bow. As it’s discovered, they’re already dead; Going to Hell is just a formality at this point. But the steward informs them there is one path to redemption. For me that’d be about 12 life preservers duct-taped to my body. And some cool sea goggles.
The wretched special effects in Ghost Voyage (2008) only serve to emphasize dialogue no one would speak even if they were a drunken sailor. Main star Antonio Sabato, Jr. was in no trouble of drowning because his wooden acting skills can easily keep him afloat until another crappy horror movie comes along to pick him up.