Godzilla: Homewrecker, Spit Swapping Serial Killer, Animal Abominations

If you haven’t seen Godzilla Minus One yet (you better have a good excuse), the Big Guy practically reinvents the definition of the term “wholesale annihilation.” The legendary reptile wrecking ball has been reaping critical raves and breaking box office records from all parts of the world he hasn’t stomped on yet. And thanks to Super 7™, we’re getting a microscopically-detailed Godzilla Minus One action figure to keep the party going.

From Super 7’s™ website: “Godzilla has risen from the sea to ravage an unsuspecting post-war Japan and it has never looked more terrifying! Based on the same 3D models used for the 2023 film Godzilla Minus One and approved by director Takashi Yamazaki for authenticity, this highly-articulated Toho™ ULTIMATES! Godzilla Minus One figure measures over 8” tall and 14” long, features intricate sculpt and premium paint detailing, and comes with an interchangeable roaring head- all of which give it a visceral sense of power and danger! If you can overcome the undeniable urge to flee for safety, add this made-to-order Toho™ ULTIMATES! Godzilla Minus One to your kaiju collection! Includes alternate head.” That’s the good news. The not-so-good news is that you need to preorder it here for $85.00 and wait until it ships in September 2024. This wreaks havoc on my impulse buying tendencies.

So while we all just suck it up and order the Godzilla Minus One action figure, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not contain wholesale annihilation — or even heavily-discounted annihilation…

DEVILS / December 5, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Jae-hwan is a determined homicide detective assigned to take down a ring of serial killers terrorizing the city. The case becomes deeply personal for him as one of the victims is his own brother-in-law. When the detective and the murderer finally collide, an unexpected turn of events leaves Jae-hwan waking up in the hospital – trapped in the body of the very killer he sought to apprehend. With the clock ticking, Jae-hwan must bring the murderer to justice while saving his family from imminent danger.”

I liked this better when it was called Face/Off (1997)

SOFT LIQUID CENTER / December 12, 2023 (VOD)

“Steph, a newly single woman on the cusp of a better life, finds herself in a dangerous and peculiar situation not of her making. As she begins to unravel the mysteries of her predicament, she grapples with a controlling, manipulative force hellbent on her undoing in this unique and unorthodox tale of loneliness, haunting, and abuse.”

Soft liquid center is how bears describe people.

FALLOUT / April 12, 2024 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Nuclear war breaks out across Earth in the year 2077 — an era of robots, hover cars, and a deep and abiding nostalgia for the America of the 1940s. After the incendiary mushroom clouds, the story flashes forward 219 years. How did humanity fair over those blighted two centuries? Lucy has no clue. She has lived her entire life inside a subterranean vault, where every need and want has been satisfied while generations and generations await the day when it is safe to surface. When a crisis forces Lucy to venture above on a rescue mission, she finds that the planet above remains a hellscape crawling with giant insects, voracious mutant animal abominations, and a human population of sunbaked miscreants.”

Sunbaked miscreants. Sounds like some sort of health food snack.

KALKI 2898 AD / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A modern-day avatar of Vishnu, a Hindu god, is believed to have descended to Earth to protect the world from evil forces.”

Since Gamera’s been slacking on the whole “Guardian of the Galaxy” thing, someone’s gotta do it.

Multiple Monsters, Hell For Breakfast, Evil Unshackled

Three new one-sheets for the upcoming Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. This is just a big tease as there will be piles more as we get closer to the movie’s April 12, 2024 premier. I’m already standing in line to get tickets.

Here’s the storyline thus far: “This latest entry in the Monsterverse franchise follows up the explosive showdown of Godzilla vs. Kong with an all-new cinematic adventure, pitting the almighty Kong and the fearsome Godzilla against a colossal undiscovered threat hidden within our world, challenging their very existence — and our own. The epic new film will delve further into the histories of these Titans, their origins, and the mysteries of Skull Island and beyond, while uncovering the mythic battle that helped forge these extraordinary beings and tied them to humankind forever.”

Word in the produce aisle of the grocery store is that there are going to be multiple giant monsters in GxK. This means they’re gonna have to append the definition of the word “epic” to add qualifiers such as “F*ck yeah!”, “Duuuude!” and “Full on pant-filling!”

So while we practice those phrases to get ’em down right to use at the movie theater, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be newly-defined as epic. 

SIKSA NERAKA / December 14, 2023 (Indonesia), Release pending US (2024)

One night, on their way to the opposite village without their parents knowing, Saleh and his younger siblings were swept away by a strong river current and disappeared. Saleh then woke up in another realm, the Hell that his father always talked about.”

The title translates as Hell’s Torture. That has a nice zing to it.

ANGEL BABY / December 15 (Theaters, VOD)

“Val, a loving wife and her husband Justin, move away to a remote cabin to heal from the devastating loss of their twins and to get a fresh start. Soon she senses an evil presence. After her best friend (and doctor) Chloe comes to check on her mental health, dark secrets begin to unravel. Meanwhile, Val meets a mysterious neighbor, Frank, searching for the truth, and with the help of Maggie, the owner of the local bar, she gains the strength she needs to make her final decision.”

Help from a bar owner? Don’t be stupid — take it! 

T.I.M. / January 12, 2024 (VOD)

“Abi, a prosthetics engineer, and her husband Paul adapt to a new life outside the city. Abi’s latest project, the A.I. humanoid T.I.M., initially appears as the perfect aid. Programmed to serve only her, it transforms into a perilous obsession, determined to replace Paul.”

Look at the bright side: T.I.M. will never snore, drink beer and lay on the couch all day, scratch his butt and sniff his fingers, and/or leave the lid up.

PEMUKIMAN SETAN / January 24, 2024 (Indonesia), Release pending US (VOD)

Financially desperate, Alin cajoles Gani into robbing an old house alongside friends Fitrah and Zia. Everything runs smoothly until the would-be thieves discover Sukma, a shackled woman in the basement. Presuming that she is an abused victim, they free her without knowing the dire consequences of their well-meaning actions. With the help of Urip, a paranormal trapped within, the youngsters discover to their dismay that Sukma was possessed by Mbah Sarap, a vengeful spirit. Soon, a deadly curse in Sukma’s bloodline is revealed, that can only be stopped by an ancient dagger hidden somewhere in the house.”

The title translates to The Devil’s Lair in case you were in a quandary about it. As for stopping the vengeful spirit with an ancient dagger hidden somewhere in the house, they can borrow mine. I got it off Etsy™.

Wipe Your Feet On Godzilla, Horror Life Insurance, Space Criminals

When you think about it, having a Godzilla rug is metaphoric way of stomping all over him for a change. And thanks to MiddleofBeyond.com, we can do just that. It’ll only cost you/me/us $100 — small price to pay for revenge.

The Godzilla rug is officially licensed, 60” x 42”, and is in the custom shape of the Godzilla Tower in Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972). It’s also printed on nylon with a loopback pile. Sounds like my pants. But that’s not all — MiddleofBeyond.com also sells Suspiria, Trick ‘r Treat, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Evil Dead 2, and The Shining hotel rugs as well.

You can preorder ’em here, but don’t plan on getting this for yourself (or possibly others) for Christmas. These things estimated to ship mid-January of the year 2024. (The future sounds so far off.) So while we rip up the shag carpeting in our living rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms to make way for pretty much all of these rugs, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not need vacuuming…

SPINE TINGLER! THE WILLIAM CASTLE STORY / Out now (VOD, DVD)

Throughout the 1950s and ’60s, William Castle produced and directed a series of horror films marked by their outrageous audience participation gimmicks. Castle treated moviegoers to buzzing seats, flying skeletons, luminescent ghosts, and life insurance policies — and they loved every minute of it. Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story is a documentary about the last great American showman. It is a rags-to-riches tale of a legend of exploitation and master of self-promotion, yet a man privately plagued by a fear of failure and a desperate desire to be respected among his peers.”

Offering life insurance before seeing a horror movie. That’s pretty much swear word brilliant.

HEMISPHERE / Out now (VOD)

“Forensic investigator Sandra Ramirez accepts a mission to explore an abandoned mining outpost near Mercury, where she stumbles upon solitary crew member Phoebe Westover, who is in hiding. She learns that a group of merciless space hijackers will soon return to finish their job.”

How come there’s never enough time to do the job right, but enough time to do it over?

YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE / November 21, 2023 (VOD)
“Naomi is a young woman whose car ends up off the road, leaving her stranded. A tow truck driver mysteriously arrives, but instead of helping her, she becomes his victim. This murder sparks a group of social justice warriors, led by an investigator with a mysterious past, to find this serial killer and bring him to justice. As the team searches for the killer, each person within the crew meets their untimely fate, until only one is left to battle this notorious monster for their life.”

They just told us the entire movie — title and plot. Thanks — now I don’t have to rent it!

LACUNA / November 28, 2023 (VOD)

Sofia and her mother Helena have a troubled relationship living together in a dense and fragmented environment, wracked by the guilt surrounding the family’s past, which may be related to Helena’s strange behavior after a serious accident. Such an event opens space for the emergence of obscure and unimaginable mysteries, which will put Sofia’s notion of reality in check and reveal dark secrets of their past.”

Strange behavior after a serious accident. Yep, she filled her britches after sneezing really hard.

Monster Menagerie, Underwater Aliens, Illustrated Dinosaurs

Three new one-sheets for Monarch: Legacy of Monsters premiering Friday, November 17, 2023 exclusively on Apple TV+™. I’ve only mentioned that here a mere 1,000 times. But hey, anything worth doing is worth overdoing. That said, Apple TV+™ just raised their streaming rates $2 to a hardship-causing $9.99 a month. You’d think that after me spending a billion dollars on their products over the years they’d comp me this one. Apparently, that’s a hell no.

Anyway, here’s what’s about to go down: “Following the epic battle between Godzilla and the MUTOs that leveled San Francisco and the shocking revelation that monsters are real, two siblings, following in their father’s footsteps, uncover their family’s connection to the secretive organization known as Monarch. Clues lead them into the world of monsters and ultimately down the rabbit hole to Army officer Lee Shaw, taking place in the 1950s and half a century later where Monarch is threatened by what Shaw knows. The dramatic saga — spanning three generations — reveals buried secrets and the ways that epic, Earth-shattering events can reverberate through our lives.”

I used to wanna work for NASA, but I think I’m a better fit for Monarch. So while I fill out my job application form, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be a hardship to watch… 

NIKO / Out now (Streaming live on fire hydrants everywhere)

“The moon isn’t the only thing this hound barks at…”

Disclaimer — This is not a movie…THOUGH IT SHOULD BE. I made this horror “movie” poster in tribute to my friend’s dog, Niko. Not only is she a bark-a-holic at criminal elements (aka, neighbors, Amazon™ Delivery, humanity in general), she likes beer. That may or may not be attributed to me. Ahem. I think she likes the bubbles. Well heck, so do I!

THE ABYSS — SPECIAL EDITION / December 6, 2023 (Theaters), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A civilian diving team is enlisted to search for a lost nuclear submarine and face danger while encountering an alien aquatic species.”

The Abyss came out in 1989 and raked in $90 million at the box office. That’s like a billion million in today’s fun coupons. It was also nominated for four Academy Awards and won the Academy Award for Best Visual Effects. Now you can see in a re-released remastered 4K format in theaters one night only on the aforementioned December 6, 2023. Then you’ll be able to snag it on Blu-ray/DVD. Put both on your Christmas must-have list.

MARITA / November 22, 2023 (Theaters, Philippines), Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD, U.S.)

“A tragic actress hangs herself in front of a shocked theatre audience. Now she haunts the theatre where she took her own life.”

It’s nice to see an actress really commit to the role.

JURASSIC WORLD: CHAOS THEORY / Release pending 2024 (Netflix™)

“Jurassic World immerses audiences of all ages in a new era of wonder and thrills where dinosaurs and humankind must learn to coexist. Set against a global backdrop of diverse locations, with a sprawling story grounded in believable science and populated by distinctive dinosaurs, heroic humans, and cunning villains at both ends of the evolutionary spectrum.”

FYI: This one is animated, though the trailer teaser looks impressively not dumb. As such, it’s targeted to a younger audience so don’t expect to see dinosaurs rip into humans as though they were bags of heavily-salted snack treats.

Imaximum Godzilla, Hometown Werewolf, Movie Vampires

Five new ad sheets for Godzilla Minus One, these being a few for Imax™ as well. Already a smash (sorry) hit in Japan where its still making movie theater popcorn machines work overtime, we get to see it on December 1, 2023. Impatient doesn’t begin to describe my state of mind right now.

I’ve been purposely avoiding watching the follow-up trailers as I want to shocked and awed when I see it. On almost all the Japanese movie review websites, Godzilla Minus One, at least judging by the headlines, is getting universal raves. I’m this close to shelling out 225,542.25 yen for a round trip ticket to Japan, a theater ticket and snacks — popcorn, diet sake, iwashi senbe (dried sardines).

Even Gareth Edwards, who did Godzilla (2014), had this to say after viewing the movie: “There were a lot of things I felt were very new for Godzilla, and I felt jealous the whole time I was watching the movie. This is what a Godzilla movie should be. Godzilla Minus One must be mentioned as a candidate for the best Godzilla movie of all time.”

So while we go shopping for stain-resistant pants to wear to the theater to see Godzilla Minus One, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not shock and awe you…

THE BEAST COMES AT MIDNIGHT / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

“An outcast, teenage live streamer must enlist the help of four popular kids after he discovers that a werewolf is tracking one of them in their small rural town.”

Let the werewolf do its job.

SHOWDOWN AT THE GRAND / November 10, 2023 (VOD), December 12, 2023 (Blu-ray, DVD)

“A proud movie theater owner must defend his family business from corporate developers alongside a legendary action star as art imitates life in a showdown for the ages.”

The “legendary star” fights fake vampires and real gangstas. It should be real vampires and fake ganstas.

FRESH MEAT / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“When a daring group of internet influencers sneak into an abandoned prison seeking thrilling content, they unwittingly unleash an imprisoned inmate lurking deep within. Hungry for ‘fresh meat,’ the inmate presents a perilous situation. With no exit, the influencers are thrust into the challenge of staying alive while capturing their most harrowing content yet.”

Thrilling content would be to lock the “internet influencers” in the prison — and then abandon it.

TERRIFIER 3 / OCTOBER 25, 2024 (Theaters, VOD)

No official plot yet, but it’s reportedly set during Christmas.

We already know the plot — a cliched killer in clown makeup kills people. There — now you don’t have to watch it when it comes out next year.

Music For Monsters, Horrifying Feng Shui, Amityville Ad Nauseum

SpaceGodzilla is one of the more cool iterations of Godzilla, Mechagodzilla and Biollante notwithstanding. With his shard shoulders, crystal dorsal plates and beastly game face with a mouth sporting dentist-enviable tusks, SpaceGodzilla is more than a mere Godzilla clone, but a fine formidable fearsome foe. If that wasn’t music to your ears, then maybe the upcoming Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla soundtrack will rock your headspace.

From the press release: “Death Waltz Recording Co.™, in association with Toho Music™, are proud to present the first ever vinyl pressing of the soundtrack to Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla. With all-new artwork by Florian Bertmer, this 2xLP features Takayuki Hattori’s incredible original score and is available on 140 gram eco vinyl or Mondo™ exclusive color vinyl (numbered edition of 2000).” Notables: This two-album set sells for an out-of-this-world deal at $45 space coupons and is up for preorder by clicking this.

And because some of you may not know, in Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla — his 1994 debut movie — SG is manifested when Godzilla’s cells are brought into space by Biollante (Mothra did it once, as well) and are exposed to intense radiation from a black hole, son. Once suited up, SpaceGodzilla makes his way back to this toilet Earth, destroying a NASA space station along the way. Why, you ask? The correct question is why not? 

So while we all snag this one before it sells out (and anything from Mondo™ always does), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a black hole — the one in space or the one below your back…

THE LAST AMITYVILLE MOVIE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A YouTuber™ finds himself trapped within a horror flick. Can he use his knowledge of horror films to survive, or will he be the next victim in The Last Amityville Movie?”

As of this month (November 2023 for those visiting from the future), there are 35 horror/sci-fi movies using the word Amityville in their titles, not counting this one. So the last Amityville horror movie? Yeah, right. 

THE BRIDGE CURSE: RITUAL / Release pending 2023 (Taiwan/VOD)

“An urban legend about the most haunted university in Taiwan. Rumor has it that during construction, the architect disrupted the school’s harmonizing Feng Shui and turned it into a beacon for supernatural entities. Years later, in an attempt to test their AR game for dark summoning rituals of the dead, a group of students unwittingly unleash evil spirits into the world.”

So THAT’S why I have supernatural entities plaguing my domicile — my Feng Shui apparently doesn’t adhere to the tenets of Chi. I blame Akea™ and their evil — but affordable — furnishings. P.S. This is also known as The Bridge Curse 2. Yawn.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“A group of close college friends get a steal on a killer Airbnb for the biggest music festival of the year. A weekend of partying quickly takes a turn for the worse, as the group is murdered one by one. They soon discover that each death directly corresponds to one of the seven deadly sins.”

Only seven deadly sins? Pffft! Clearly, these asshats have never experienced Happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. P.S. Not to be confused with All Your Friends Are Dead (2022).

LOVELY, DARK, AND DEEP / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Lennon, a new back-country ranger, travels alone through the dangerous wilderness, hoping to uncover the origins of a tragedy that has haunted her since she was a child.”

Sounds like somebody had a run-in with Cocaine Bear.

King of Monsters, King of Apes, King of Spiders

Godzilla was born on this day 69 years ago…and he doesn’t look a day over 60. To celebrate this momentous occasion, Toho™ — creator of the King of Monsters, is bringing out the good silverware for Godzilla Fest 2023 (aka, Gojira Fesu 2023) to celebrate the start of the 70th anniversary year. Lots to run up the party flagpole as there’s a total of 36 Godzilla feature films, including 29 domestic, three animated, and four Hollywood versions. Mind you, these stats don’t include Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (November 17, 2023), Godzilla Minus One (December 1, 2023) and Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (April 12, 2024).

To get this party started, Godzilla Day returns to the Hibiya area of Tokyo for the first time in four years, with a day full of Godzilla presentations and activities planned for the Hibiya Step Square as the main venue, plus the Hibiya Godzilla Square in front of the Toho Cinemas, and other nearby locations. (The had me at other nearby locations.)

According to the website they’re featuring the premiere of a new full CG short film Godzilla vs. Megalon (directed by Takuya Kaminishi), the unveiling of the new Jet Jaguar suit (by sculptor Shinichi Wakasa), a new special effects short directed by Kazuhiro Nakagawa, an interview with special guest Takashi Yamazaki, writer/director/FX director of the new film Godzilla Minus One, as well as many other attractions.

But Godzilla Day doesn’t start/stop in Tokyo — there’s a ton of G-Day events and more stomping all over this Monsterverse. Here’s a shortlist of some awesomely awesome Godzilla Day things happening right now: Shout! TV Masters of Monsters, Jade City’s Godzilla Day Event in Maitland, FL, Funko’s™ Godzilla Goes POP! figures, Godzilla Goes Adorable with YouTooz™ premium collectibles and detailed figures (including the Godzilla and Mothra Plush and the Godzilla Figural Coffee Mug), and a ton of Official Godzilla Store offerings. It’s like Christmas…only better!

So while we get in on ALL the G-action by clicking this and this, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as Jet Jaguar’s new pants…

A CREATURE WAS STIRRING / December 8, 2023 (Theaters), December 12, 2023 (VOD)

“Faith, an overprotective mother and professional nurse, keeps her teenage daughter locked securely in her room and subjected to constant methadone injections, their only means of sustaining a delicately balanced fever state that keeps a mysterious and terrifying affliction at bay. However, when a pair of strangers break into the home while seeking shelter from the Christmas blizzard, they quickly discover that this mother-daughter relationship stretches the limits of both dysfunction and reality, and that the women are hiding a terrible secret — specifically, the presence of a malevolent house guest who won’t be content to lurk in the shadows much longer.”

Using a synthetic opioid to keep the monster within is merely kicking the can down the road. I say crack open a refreshing Tall Boy and let the beast out of its cage. To thine own self be true.

KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES / May 24, 2024 (Theaters)

“As a new tyrannical ape leader builds his empire, one young ape undertakes a harrowing journey that will cause him to question all that he has known about the past and to make choices that will define a future for apes and humans alike.”

Watching Planet of the Apes as a young chimp defined my future as well, which is why I should be in this movie. Kingdom appears to be a re-imagined Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973), which was a continuation of Beneath The Planet of the Apes (1970), wherein future Republicans go to war with everything.

BLUE LIGHT / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A group of friends are on a road trip when their RV breaks down on an isolated road with no cell service. They soon realize there is something eerie and unworldly hiding in the woods. This most unequipped group of friends, used to having everything solved by a quick text or social media, must now find the courage to fight, survive, and stay out of the Blue Light.”

No cell service? No texting? No access to social media? For some, a new definition of Hell.

SPIDER BABY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A caretaker devotes himself to three demented siblings after their father’s death.”

Demented is putting it mildly. This is a remake of the 1967’s Spider Baby (aka, The Maddest Story Ever Told). If you haven’t seen it, take the rest of the day off (with pay) and see why this is an enduring cult fav. P.S. You’ll probably want/need to bathe afterward.

Military vs. Monsters, Worldwide Scary Monsters, Marriage Monster

A recent re-posted article from a pro-military website on Yahoo! News had this headline: 5 Military Solutions to Horror Movie Villains, stating ways to take down seemingly impervious horror icons Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, Michael Myers, Pinhead and, oddly, Imhotep, aka The Mummy. What, about Predator, Alien, or Jason? (An argument could also be made for Pennywise, Chucky and that a-hole Leprechaun fellow.) And it should be noted, no branch of the military has ever been able to take out Godzilla. The same cannot be said for Zilla bestie, Kong. So here’s how the military would stop the unstoppable…

FREDDY KRUEGER

“A team of CIA Special Activities Center operatives could do a simple snatch and grab to pull Freddy into the real world. Once he’s vulnerable, they would be able to neutralize him in no time.” (Until it’s bedtime. Then good luck with that.)

PINHEAD

“Using full-body mesh armor can negate Pinhead’s hooks and prevent your troops from being taken prisoner. Since there’s no real way to kill Pinhead, the best one could hope for is restraining him. Since much of his body is filled with metal, the best way would be the use of a powerful electromagnet. Like Myers, he can be restrained or studied until he can be sent back into the puzzle from whence he came. Once in the puzzle, he is no longer a threat.” (My body is filled with metal as well — Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Slayer — so the military can’t hurt me, either. In your face, U.S. military!) 

MICHAEL MYERS

“Myers spent ten years in a coma during the series and has been stunned a number of times for long periods. He’s also not immune to chemical injections. The solution to Michael Myers is to stun him with tranquilizer guns long enough to get him to a black site where he can be contained and studied.” (Uh, have they not seen any of the Halloween movies? This will just add to MM’s already impressive body count.)

LEATHERFACE

“The house where Leatherface lives is made of wood, which makes it a soft target for thermite incendiary bombs. Thermite delivered by artillery or aerial bombing — like those used in World War II — would reduce the house and anyone inside to ashes.” (And everyone else in the neighborhood, namely ME. Likely effective, but a tad on the overkill side.)

IMHOTEP

“Burn the scroll that kept him alive before turning him into dust. This would easily be accomplished with a GBU-43/B Massive Ordinance Air Blast bomb on his location. If he could survive the first one because the spell hadn’t been destroyed, a second GBU-43/B would do the trick. Also, reading from the Book of Amun-Ra to strip him of immortality. Issuing photocopies of the passage from the book to a number of special operators would ensure the passage could be read in his presence before taking him down with a standard Mozambique drill.” (Actually, this makes sense — air bomb the spell scroll that grants him immortality and then blow the gift wrap off him.)  

So while we call BS on the military for wasting tax payer dollars on trying to take down the un-take down-able instead of, like, Nazis, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be watchable by those in the Armed Services…

SCARIEST MONSTERS IN THE WORLD / Out now (Tubi™)

“A documentary discussing various so-called monsters around the world.”

I watched this. The monsters were not that scary as I did not pee my pants. This time.

LISA FRANKENSTEIN / February 14, 2024 (Theaters)

“An unpopular high schooler accidentally re-animates a handsome Victorian corpse during a lightning storm and starts to rebuild him into the man of her dreams using the broken tanning bed in her garage.”

I use my tanning bed to reheat leftover pizza and tater tots. Does a pretty good job. Makes a mighty fine grilled cheese, too! Sloppy Joes, not so much. 

WE ARE ZOMBIES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a city infested with the living-impaired — aka, non-cannibal zombies — three slackers after easy money must fight small-time crooks and an evil mega-corporation to save their kidnapped grandma.”

This one is a Canadian French zombie horror comedy film based on the comic series The Zombies That Ate the World. That said, I hope these guys save their slacker grandma from the evil mega-corporation. I don’t know why evil mega-corporations hate grandmas so much.

BEHOLD! / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“An evil entity focuses on a husband and wife who are grappling with their failed marriage.”

Jumping the gun on this one as it’s post-production is being crowdfunded. Still, they gave it away — the evil entity is clearly a marriage counselor.

Destructive Duds, Killer Paper, Cursed Coins

Every year Spirit Halloween™ rolls out costumes of characters in whatever horror movies are currently putting popcorn-filled butts in theater seats. This Halloween’s chart-toppers include costumes of M3gan, the freak dancing android “girl”, Ghostface (dull mask, dull black cloak, dull knife), Valak, Nun II’s demonic nun (wear it to church), and Terrifier’s Art the Clown. (He really needs a name that sounds more murder-y).

But the winner costumes of Halloween 2023 is Godzilla vs. Kong. I haven’t seen any Halloween costumes this cool since my neighbor dressed up in a life-sized Jaws outfit and scared the living sh*t out of the kids who came trick-or-treating. (Fun fact — we got drunk afterward at the Tug Tavern with him keeping the costume on — best Halloween ever. P.S. I have photos.)

Here are Spirit Halloween’s™ GvK costumes specs: “The officially-licensed inflatable costumes — in both kids and adult sizes — come with a battery-operated fan, belt clip battery pack (AA — not included), and a pair of battle-ready gloves. The zipper closure costumes are made of polyester and easy to spot clean.” 

So while we find a bestie to go in on the pair of MonsterVerse formal wear (each is $69.99 — click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the living sh*t out of you…

PAPER MAN / October 13, 2023 (China), release pending 2023/2024 (US)

“The daughter of a paper shop owner is brutally murdered by three rich siblings. After two of them are violently killed, a paper man resembling the dead girl is found at the scene. As the police investigate, they discover the girl’s mother may have an accomplice helping her to get revenge.”

What kind of paper — one, two or three-ply? Extra absorbent? Earth-first recycled? Need to know if this movie’s…crappy…or not. 

MY MOTHER’S EYES / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

Both Hitomi and her daughter Eri are cellists who are involved in a traffic accident, leaving Hitomi without sight and Eri paralyzed. While Hitomi wears camera-equipped contact lenses and Eri wears VR goggles, the two share one vision.

All fine and dandy, but who’s in charge of the TV remote?

THE MOOGAI / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A young Aboriginal couple brings home their second baby. What should be a joyous time takes a sinister turn, as the baby’s mother starts seeing a malevolent spirit she is convinced is trying to take her baby.”

They have a spare, so not seeing the problem here.

UNBORN BIRU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A pregnant widow steals silver from a dead body in order to survive and feed her daughter. But the silver is cursed and has consequences for all of them, including the unborn.”

And you know what cursed silver buys? Cursed baby formula. See how that works?

Godzilla Holiday, Artificial Exorcisms, Trouser Monster

Stop what you’re doing right now (i.e., put down your refreshing adult beverage) and mark this on your calendar: November 3, 2023 — National Godzilla Day. It’s also the day Godzilla Minus One comes out in Japan. A fortunate coincidence. Then the movie comes out in the U.S. on December 1, 2023, which happens to land on the real birthday of Jesus Christ of pay-per-religion fame. Another coincidence. (They moved JC’s birthday to December 25th to put more shopping days distance between Christmas and that other pagan holiday, Thanksgiving.) 

I posted the above movie U.S. art on July 11, 2023. The seas were calm that day and I ate a peanut butter sandwich as I was all out of caviar. But this poster is the Japanese variant. For G-nerds not unlike myself, this is a BIG DEAL. And now they released a full body photo of Godzilla as he appears in the movie. A lot smaller than his MonsterVerse counterparts, but still devastating in his devastation.

So while we go online to find Godzilla flags to wave around on National Godzilla Day and stake out our spot for the inevitable parade, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi moves that may or may not be as tasty as peanut butter OR caviar… 

SIAM CURSE / Out now (VOD)

“A love triangle of best friends who fell in love with the same person finally caused black magic to be involved. This became a tragedy leading to a scary and never-ending revenge passing to the next generation.”

Black magic and revenge goes well with love gone wrong. Just look at any Hallmark™ movie.

DOCTOR CHEON AND THE LOST TALISMAN / Out now (South Korea), Release pending US 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Doctor Cheon runs a YouTube™ exorcism channel. Believing that he is dealing with people’s minds rather than ghosts, he performs fake exorcisms on people. One day, he meets a new client named Yoo-Kyung, who asks Doctor Cheon to save her possessed younger sibling.”

Fake exorcism is akin to throwing up on non-alcoholic beer.

HOUSE OF DOLLS / October 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Three estranged sisters return home to collect an inheritance only to confront each other and trigger a downward spiral of murder inside of a giant doll house.”

How giant of a doll house are we talking here — life-sized Chucky doll big or inflatable love doll big?

ERECTING A MONSTER 2: BRIDE OF THE MONSTER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The film picks up after the events of the first film where Victor has to stop his possessed penis before more people die thanks to his prick.”

I should probably not say anything at this time.