The Devil’s Wristwatch, Porno Demons, Freezer Flesh

Two things immediately stand out in regards to the stunning RM 66 Flying Tourbillon watch. One is its spectacular horror rock horn skeletal mechanism design that would look perfect on Black Sabbath’s wrist or an Alien movie. Secondly, the limited-to-50 pieces, is its $1.1 million dollar price tag. If you can afford it, no more “Hey, Alexa — what time is it?”

From the website of Richard Mille, maker of the worlds most extravagant watches: “Hand gestures, perhaps the most expressive form of body language, are used for sign language, certainly, but also to convey meaning beyond words, from the social conventions of greeting – the most common of which is the handshake – to more subtle cues. But the so-called devil’s horn, where the index and pinky fingers are raised as the thumb holds down the ring and middle fingers, has a particularly colorful identity. Heir to centuries of diverse traditions, beliefs and superstitions, the horn has become a cultural, social and even political phenomenon. Today, it symbolizes kinship and inclusion, with a pinch of rebellion and darkness, and a guitar riff screeching in the background.”

“The watch is made of Grade 5 titanium, a bio-compatible, highly corrosion-resistant and remarkably rigid alloy, which enables the gear train to function effortlessly. The alloy is 90% titanium, 6% aluminum and 4% vanadium. (What, no Vibranium?) The RM66 Flying Tourbillon comes fit on a comfortable black rubber strap.” Rubber? Seriously? For the million dollar plus watch, the strap should be made out of leather milled from the regalia of Judas Priest themselves.

While we go back to looking at our phones to see what time it is to rock (answer: always), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a rock horn salute…

ARTHUR MALEDICTION / February 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Since childhood, Alex has been a big fan of the fantasy film saga Arthur and the Minimoys. So his best friends surprise him with a special present for his 18th birthday — a trip to the abandoned country house where the saga was set. What begins as a weekend adventure, quickly turns into a deadly nightmare.”

Most guys wish for naked girls on their 18th birthday. But hey, if you get turned on by an abandoned country house, it’s your birthday, so go get your kink on.

DEBBIE DOES DEMONS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“300 year old sorceress plans to unleash hell on Earth. When four friends summon Carmilla with a Ouija™ board, it’s up to Debbie to send this witch bitch back where she belongs.”

The title is a spoof on the infamous 1978 pornography movie, Debbie Does Dallas, in which high school cheerleaders use their nakedly charms to raise money to go to Texas to try out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. They raised the money — and more — but I don’t think they ever got around to finishing their scholarly education.

GRANDMA / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A young woman looking for a new beginning inherits a large sum of money and uses it to buy an old bed and breakfast way out in the country, with hopes to renovate and reopen. Unbeknown to the young woman, 20 years ago it was Grandma’s Bed ‘n Breakfast, a popular place for the locals to come and eat. The food was always so delicious, but there were never any tourists around for some reason. After several out of towners came looking for their missing family members, everything pointed back to Grandma. The police found the missing tourists, along with many others, partially eaten in the freezer, but Grandma was never found, now believed to be dead after all these years.”

I liked this better when it was called Motel Hell (1980).

PEGGY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After years of torment, Peggy finally gets revenge on all those who wronged her in the past.”

Where have I heard of this plot before? I know…EVERYWHERE.

Consensual Alien Abduction, Ghost Houses, Super Brains

Came across an irresistible click-bait headline on AmericanUpbeat.com: “How To Get Abducted By Aliens.” Well, dang times 10 — who wouldn’t want a guide to making new space friends?

In the article, written by Erin — someone with only a first name (apparently her last name fell victim to probing) — it states in order to get adducted, you need to have certain  “preferred” qualities that appeal to “picky” extraterrestrials. 

From the article: “There are ways to make yourself more marketable to aliens. They prefer certain traits. Aliens prefer humans with certain cultural value, such as poets, video gamers, or smokers. There are also some occupations that they prefer as well, but it varies a lot.”

Crud. I’m not a poet (though I never pass up a chance to rhyme “art” with “fart”), I don’t play video games, nor do I smoke — healthy cigarettes or gateway pot. (Disclaimer — I just now found out cigarettes are NOT healthy. Could’ve fooled me — they look a lot like candy cigarettes, which are yummy, though really hard to keep lit.

So while we’re all waiting for the next Intergalactic Probe Party (Crisco™ optional), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not make you clench…

UFO CHRONICLES: THE ALIENS ARRIVE (available now)
“Dr. Michael E. Salla explores the socio political ramifications of extraterrestrial life on planet Earth. Learn about the diversity of alien species currently visiting us, the role of the ‘greys’, the agenda of the industrial military complex, ET technology dissemination and more.”

Juts like an academic to over-think things. Yes, aliens have been visiting us for decades. No, it hasn’t altered any socio politics, other than selling enough T-shirts to fill Uranus. (Man, I never get tired of that joke. It seems so….socio political.)

PRODIGY (available now)
“A secret branch of the military calls upon psychologist James Fonda to take the case of a dangerous patient, nine-year-old Ellie. As their session begins, the young girl dissects Dr. Fonda’s unconventional methods, revealing her genius-level intellect. Only by challenging her to a battle of wits does Fonda begin to unravel the supernatural mystery surrounding Ellie — a deadly secret that threatens to destroy them both.”

I liked it better when it was called Morgan (2016). In that one, Morgan, the genius-level young gal being experimented on, stabs one of the doctors in the eye with a fork meant for, say, mac and cheese or a nice dinner salad with balsamic dressing. But no croûtons. Those things belong in salads like marbles belong in gumball machines.

GHOSTLAND (April 2018)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her Aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. When the girls suffer this terrible childhood trauma, their disparate personalities diverge even further. One becomes a famous horror author, with a perfect family and life in Los Angeles, while the other can’t cope, and loses her mind. The movie takes place 16 years later when the daughters reunite at the house, and that’s when things get strange…”

Children are so fragile these days. Why, back in my youth, whenever murderous intruders broke into my house, I’d stab ‘em in the eyes with my oatmeal spoon. My folks brought me up right. This, by the way, became the framework for the hit home invasion movie, Home Alone (1990). True story. And I didn’t get a cent of royalties. But hey, I didn’t let it wreck my adulthood — I’m pretty good at doing that on my own — with or without my trusty oatmeal spoon.

REVENGE (May 11, 2018)
“Jen is enjoying a romantic getaway with her wealthy boyfriend which is suddenly disrupted when his sleazy friends arrive for an unannounced hunting trip. Tension mounts in the house until the situation abruptly –– and viciously –– intensifies, culminating in a shocking act that leaves Jen left for dead. Unfortunately for her assailants, Jen survives and reemerges with a relentless, wrathful intent: revenge.”

This one obviously takes its lead from 1978’s I Spit On Your Grave (not to be confused with the restaurant horror movie, I Spit On Your Gravy.) In ISOYG, a young gal is gang raped, but later comes back to get revenge on all those peckers. The bathtub scene will mess you up to the point where you’ll probably never bathe again. Which is why to stay antiseptic fresh, I order moist towelettes by the case from Amazon.com™. Free shipping if you have an Amazon Prime™ account.

Geez, my brain is all over the map today.

Black Arts Supermodel

In Art of the Devil (2004), Boom is a supermodel hot Thai gal who uses voodoo to blackmail her wealthy boyfriend into giving her cash money bling for knocking her up. Oops — he’s married and has a family. Awkward.

Hell hath no fury like a supermodel scorned. Enlisting the black magic skills of a local barber by day and voodoo master by later in the day, she puts the ex in expire. She invokes him throw up a whole pile of razor blades. (I’m no expert, but aren’t those things supposed to be used on the outside of the stomach?)

Flashbacks abound with the character-heavy story showing how she was hit by a van and lost her baby. She later gives the fetus to the voodoo barber who puts it on his black magic hibachi during a ceremony. I could’ve done without seeing that.

Blood flows all over everyone’s white clothes, which is a nice contrast. Boom finds out in the end it’s not cool to kill people with the Black Arts. Anyone else left standing, well, their wounds will heal in time for the sequels (there are two more). As for the barber, I wonder how much he charges for a little off the top?

Vampire Sequels, Family Ghosts, Social Media Killers

Got some vampires, ghosts, tweener ghosts and slashers headed your way. Not real vampires, ghosts, tweener ghosts and slashers, mind you. Just movie ones. But keep an eye open, just in case.

STAKE LAND II (February 7, 2017 / digital, February 14 / DVD)
“Set several years after the events in Stake Land (2010), in which mankind must struggle to survive in the wake of a vampire apocalypse. When his home in New Eden is destroyed by a revitalized Brotherhood and its new Vamp leader, Martin finds himself alone in the badlands of America with only the distant memory of his mentor, the legendary vampire hunter Mister, to guide him. Roaming the wilderness of a steadily decaying country, Martin searches for the one man who can help him exact revenge.”

Revenge. Where would horror movies be without it? One of the best summations of revenge comes from City of Bones (2007) author Cassandra Clare’s first book in The Mortal Instruments series: “I don’t want tea,” said Clary, with muffled force. “I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.”

“Unfortunately,” said Hodge, “we’re all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it’s either tea or nothing.”

Snap! I gotta use that line somewhere. Oh, wait — I just did.

SPECTRAL (December 9, 2016 / Netflix)
“When an otherworldly force wreaks havoc on a war-torn European city, an engineer teams up with an elite Special Ops unit to stop it.”

Now there’s a grand idea — get a bunch of Army guys to shoot guns at ghosts. Why not just whip out your AK-47 and unleash hell on Mr. Bubble™?

WAIT TILL HELEN COMES (out now / Lifetime, January 2017 / VOD)
“The story centers on a 12-year-old girl who’s the eldest of three children in a blended family that moves from Baltimore into a house converted from a church in the Maryland countryside. The tormented ghost of a little girl comes to haunt the 12-year-old, but forms an intimate, though dangerous, friendship with her seven-year-old stepsister.”

Warning: as this is airing on the Lifetime™ channel, it’s a family-friendly, watered down tale of the supernatural. Too bad; a little blood and guts never hurt anybody. Oh wait…

SLASHER.COM (2017)
“Slasher.com combines the time-honored tradition of young people facing unfathomable horrors in the wilderness with the every day horror of meeting people online, and puts a gruesome twist on the perils of modern dating.”

Slasher social media horror. Maybe they should rename it DeFacebook.com. Heh.