Yule Goat, Ghost Motor Lodge, Spectral Sex

If you wanna send out Christmas or “holiday” cards that really stand out among the sea of seasonal throat gagging Hallmark™ sappy crap, then you need a set or two of these fantastical Creepy Christmas greeting cards (5”x7” with red envelopes) from the fantastically talented Mister Sam Shearon. Why have Santa, Christmas trees, elves and those “why won’t they just go away?” Nutcracker dude depictions when you can have Rabid Rudolph, King Krampus, The Snow Queen, and the Yule Goat?

As featured on Mister Shearon’s website, you can get three different sets of 13 for $25 each, or all three sets combined for $65. I recommend this all-in-one collection because why the stinkin’ heck not? Who wouldn’t want to go to their mailbox and pull out a card that Hell (i.e., you) sent them, with horrifyingly cool depictions of Santa Claws, Gryla, Nuuttipukki (the great black goat-man), Mari Lwyd (the haunting horse of Welsh folklore), and Creepy Snowmen? These dreadfully awesome illustrations scream, “Up your chimney, traditional Christmas-y stuff!”

You may recognize Mister Shearon’s work in the rock and metal scene. He’s done art for Slayer, Rob Zombie, Ministry, Rammstein, Filter, HIM and Iron Maiden. He’s also designed cover artwork for The X-Files comic-book series, Judge Dredd, Starhenge and Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. So cool as to be beyond cool. 

While you click this pathway to a better holiday season, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make your seasonal throat gag… 

THE ETERNAL DAUGHTER / December 2, 2022 (Theaters)

“Now a middle-aged adult, Julie hopes to reconnect with her elderly, estranged mother by traveling to a sentimental destination. Their vacation lands them at a hotel, one that contains a mysterious presence.”

Depending on the hotel, the mysterious presence could be anything from a gaudily-uniformed bellboy lurking outside your door for a tip, or a disturbing brownish stain on the vibrating Mattress Barn™ Sleep Innovations Hybrid Pro™.

DREAMS OF DARKNESS / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

“Devastated by the disappearance of his wife, Derek Fabry enters a nightmarish world of the occult, erotic evil, and supernatural seduction as he tries to unravel the mystery of her vanishing.”

The words “erotic evil” and “supernatural seduction” aren’t what most of us would associate with being nightmarish. More like a Happy Hour for the open-minded. Or a back seat date with any of the last call gals at the Tug Tavern.

CRAVING / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug deal goes south, four heroin addicts barricade themselves in a bar as the cops close in. Withdrawal sets in, further complicating their hostage situation, while a secret one of them is hiding could destroy them all.”

Heroin addicts barricading themselves in a bar? Wouldn’t in make more sense to hole up in a pharmacy? People who do ILLEGAL drugs are DUMB.

INSIDIOUS: THE DARK REALM / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“Ten years after he first ventured into the Further, Josh Lambert heads east to drop his son Dalton off at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly resurface.”

I’ve been to the Upside Down, but not the Further. Too far away. And Uber™ charges twice the regular rate to take you there. Best just to hitchhike to the Tug Tavern and call it a day. P.S. Conflictingly, this is also titled Insidious: Fear of the Dark. This has shattered my belief system in the Internet right in half.

You’ve Got Poltergeists

Thanks to their hottie 15 year-old daughter whose drunk driving/baby-sitting skills left her three-year-old brother unable to talk, the parents wiped out their entire savings account on medical bills and were forced to move into a dumpy shack and grow sunflowers. (Personally, there’s more money in hamburger trees, but hey, what do I know?)

Transplanting from downtown Chicago to rural North Dakota is enough of a culture shock without having eerie ghosts crawling all over the walls like some transparent Spider-Man. Only the little boy can see them and is always staring at the ceiling and pointing.

The teen daughter suspects something is way wrong and her theories are proven to be better than her ability to operate a car when ghost arms come out of the basement and try to pull her in.

Of course, mom and dad think she’s dealing with “issues” after nearly killing her brother and not having enough baby-sitting juice to drink. No one knew about the house’s previous tenants, who were violently deathed in half.

Several kinda cool ghost moments, including the woman coming out of the stained wall. (Pine-Sol™ could easily get those stains out, if not the poltergeist.) The acting is solid, especially from the three year-old whose pointing could very well earn him an Oscar™. But the pay-off is standard issue horror lite and, if you didn’t see it coming, a total Hallmark™ ending.

I have a message for The Messengers (2007) for the sequel: use more blood, crows (give them guns), and have at least one character get scared out of her blouse.

Composing The Decomposing

A young British gent is given a 3-D hickey by a female zombiette, whom he happens upon in the woods while collecting biological chipmunk samples.

Over the course of the following week he senses something is not quite right, like the non-healing flesh wound on his neck. Then comes the convulsions, gooey lesions and craving for human sushi, all the while keeping a chronological diary of his ongoing decomposition.

One of I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain’s (1998) romantic moments comes while pleasuring himself to his ex-girlfriends photo, he yanks his rotted pork stick clean off. I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to… Never mind.

As his body further decays he simply screws metal plates into his skull and legs to keep things somewhat functional. No mindless Dawn of the Dead (1978) zombies wandering around like me after the bars close, just a fascinating  Hallmark™ look at the loneliness of being dead and having no one to talk to without chewing their ear off.

Meat Your Maker

A detective proficient at solving puzzles investigates a gooey murder that left the victim looking like he was processed by a juicer. This police officer, it should be noted, is a coke-sniffer, bribe taker, and a panderer of prostitutes, even though he’s married and has a kid.

Finding a Lament Configuration at the crime scene, the detective figures out how to open the Rubik’s Cube of Doom and summons the Cenobites. The creatures this time out look pretty dang cool, but there’s only three of ’em, two being twin chicks with gaping flesh wounds and partial faces. He just figures it’s a whiskey and hooker hangover, and shakes it off to look for the killer.

Lots of weirdo and surreal-o things happens, and Pinhead, the head Cenobite himself, only shows up towards the end (he had to get his nails done) and treats the steadily unraveling cop to some Hallmark™ advice. (The only thing missing is a hug.)

Dropping the whole Cenobite mythos, Hellraiser: Inferno (2000) concentrates on a dark character study rather than exploring the depths of stinking Hell. The end has a nice twist and Pinhead finally whips out the hooks and does his impression of a meat tenderizer. All said, I could do less with misbehaving humans and more with demons who can tear your shirt apart.