Archive for Hallmark

You’ve Got Poltergeists

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Messengers

Thanks to their hottie 15 year-old daughter whose drunk driving/baby-sitting skills left her three-year-old brother unable to talk, the parents wiped out their entire savings account on medical bills and were forced to move into a dumpy shack and grow sunflowers. (Personally, there’s more money in hamburger trees, but hey, what do I know?)

The Messengers

Transplanting from downtown Chicago to rural North Dakota is enough of a culture shock without having eerie ghosts crawling all over the walls like some transparent Spider-Man. Only the little boy can see them and is always staring at the ceiling and pointing.

The Messengers

The teen daughter suspects something is way wrong and her theories are proven to be better than her ability to operate a car when ghost arms come out of the basement and try to pull her in.

The Messengers

Of course, mom and dad think she’s dealing with “issues” after nearly killing her brother and not having enough baby-sitting juice to drink. No one knew about the house’s previous tenants, who were violently deathed in half.

The Messengers

Several kinda cool ghost moments, including the woman coming out of the stained wall. (Pine-Sol™ could easily get those stains out, if not the poltergeist.) The acting is solid, especially from the three year-old whose pointing could very well earn him an Oscar™. But the pay-off is standard issue horror lite and, if you didn’t see it coming, a total Hallmark™ ending.

The MessengersI have a message for The Messengers (2007) for the sequel: use more blood, crows (give them guns), and have at least one character get scared out of her blouse.

Composing The Decomposing

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I, Zombie: The Chronicles fo Pain

A young British gent is given a 3-D hickey by a female zombiette, whom he happens upon in the woods while collecting biological chipmunk samples.

I, Zombie: The Chrinicles of Pain

Over the course of the following week he senses something is not quite right, like the non-healing flesh wound on his neck. Then comes the convulsions, gooey lesions and craving for human sushi, all the while keeping a chronological diary of his ongoing decomposition.

I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain

One of I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain’s (1998) romantic moments comes while pleasuring himself to his ex-girlfriends photo, he yanks his rotted pork stick clean off. I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to… Never mind.

I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain

As his body further decays he simply screws metal plates into his skull and legs to keep things somewhat functional. No mindless Dawn of the Dead (1978) zombies wandering around like me after the bars close, just a fascinating  Hallmark™ look at the loneliness of being dead and having no one to talk to without chewing their ear off.

Meat Your Maker

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Inferno

A detective proficient at solving puzzles investigates a gooey murder that left the victim looking like he was processed by a juicer. This police officer, it should be noted, is a coke-sniffer, bribe taker, and a panderer of prostitutes, even though he’s married and has a kid.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Finding a Lament Configuration at the crime scene, the detective figures out how to open the Rubik’s Cube of Doom and summons the Cenobites. The creatures this time out look pretty dang cool, but there’s only three of ’em, two being twin chicks with gaping flesh wounds and partial faces. He just figures it’s a whiskey and hooker hangover, and shakes it off to look for the killer.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Lots of weirdo and surreal-o things happens, and Pinhead, the head Cenobite himself, only shows up towards the end (he had to get his nails done) and treats the steadily unraveling cop to some Hallmark™ advice. (The only thing missing is a hug.)

Hellraiser: Inferno

Dropping the whole Cenobite mythos, Hellraiser: Inferno (2000) concentrates on a dark character study rather than exploring the depths of stinking Hell. The end has a nice twist and Pinhead finally whips out the hooks and does his impression of a meat tenderizer. All said, I could do less with misbehaving humans and more with demons who can tear your shirt apart.

Hellraiser: Inferno