Macabre Music, Voodoo Teenagers, Evil Boat Safety

Wednesday, the monster murder mystery spin-off of The Addams Family, became a global phenomenon with its premier on November 22, 2023, and is Netflix’s™ most popular comedy series to date. That’s an understatement. According to my exhaustive research (cut ’n pasting from Wikipedia™), Wednesday holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix™ series with a total 341.2 million hours watched in its first week of release, amounting to more than 50 million households, and passing prior record holder Stranger Things 4’s 335.01 million hours. Nielsen Media Research™ reported a combined watch time of 6 billion minutes within its first week of release, making it the second-biggest streaming week ever recorded by the firm.” 

Foaming at the mouth fans cite the series’ music as an ongoing highlight. And now you can get the soundtrack as limited edition colored vinyl to quench your Wednesday obsession. From the press release: “Wednesday’s first season soundtrack is available on vinyl for $35 via Lakeshore Records. Expected to ship in July/August 2023, the score is composed by Danny Elfman (Batman, Men in Black) and Chris Bacon (Bates Motel, Source Code). The album is pressed on 2xLP vinyl with three color variants: “Enid’s Pink Sweater” (Mondo™ exclusive, limited to 500), “Wednesday & Enid’s Room” (Walmart™ exclusive), and “Purple Goth with Smokey Shadow” (retail version). It’s housed in a gatefold jacket.”

It should be noted that the soundtrack does not contain the series’ other music, such as the nimble-fingered cello interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, the acoustic instrumental (or would that be “instrumetal”?) rendition of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, and The Cramps’ Goth punk pop, “Goo Goo Muck’, which sparked Wednesday’s dance craze and topped the charts over 40 years after its release in 1980. (P.S. “Goo Goo Muck” was written by Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads all the way back in 1962, the year non-dyed Goth punk pop was born.)

While we frantically preorder the soundtrack (take me there), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a Goth punk pop song…

DEVILREAUX / June 9, 2023 (VOD), July 18, 2023 (DVD)

“A series of murders in 1800s will be avenged by forbidden voodoo, woken up accidentally by a group of teenagers.”

Seems like this plot is backward: “A group of forbidden teenagers is woken up by voodoo.” Then change voodoo to social media.

BEDRIDDEN / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“On the evening of their anniversary, Ray is attacked and murdered by a masked assailant in a desolate motel room while his wife, Teri, is forced to watch. Teri now faces the reality of rebuilding her life as a single mom without her beloved husband. Desperate to communicate one last time with Ray, she uses a mysterious Ouija board to try to reach out to the other side. Doing so opens up a portal that puts her and her daughter’s lives in danger. When her worst fears seemingly come true, Teri finds herself bedridden and trapped in a cat-and-mouse game of life and death.”

So Teri uses a Ouija board to talk to her dead husband. She should be using Dead Speak Pro™, an app that connects you to the spirit world. It has lots of spooky features and is free on Google Play™.

MOTORBOAT / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“A rural lakeside community is terrorized by a demonic black boat prowling its waters, killing locals and turning the waters blood red. A fallen Priest and a no nonsense Harbor Patrol Captain have to fight a decades long evil, resurrected by a death cult, the Brotherhood of Darkness, led by the unstoppable Messiah Ward. It’s faith vs. hate in this battle for one town’s soul.”

This makes a mockery of life preservers. Not cool.

THE ONLY ONES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A seemingly harmless weekend getaway turns into a chaotic nightmare as this group proves that when you’ve got friends, who needs enemies?”

With a plot like that, who needs this movie?

Camping With Killers, Murder Creatures, Cult Crazies

The cult horror classic Sleepaway Camp, a Friday the 13th photocopy, came out in 1983 and has one of the most shocking “didn’t see that coming” endings in horror movie history. Two other notes of interest: Sleepaway Camp was released as Nightmare Vacation in England, and Anchor Bay Entertainment™, who reissued the movie as a four-disc box set, was cease and desisted by the Red Cross™ for the use of their globally-recognized medical red cross symbol on the box cover. Note of no interest: Sleepaway Camp was followed by four sequels, Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988), Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989), Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008), and Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor (2012).

Now, thanks to On Set Cinema™, you can attend a screening of the movie where it was filmed. From the press release: “Join On Set Cinema™ in Argyle, NY this summer where Camp Arawak once stood for a very special screening event for the 1983 slasher cult classic, Sleepaway Camp. Nearly the entire movie was filmed at this location. They will be doing two back-to-back events — Monday, June 19th & Tuesday, June 20th, 2023.”

“Fans will enjoy an entire day at the former camp — there will be swimming and kayaking in the lake where a ton of scenes in the movie took place (watch out for Kenny’s body), a filming locations walking tour, a screening of the movie where the infamous Angela ending took place and overnight tent camping to get the full Sleepaway Camp experience! Get tickets here.”

So while we pack up our sleeping bags and slasher repellent and head to Camp Arawak, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have an ending that’s as messed up as Sleepaway Camp…

SHIFTED / April 18, 2023 (Screambox™)

“As murderous creatures ravage the outside, a group of neighbors take refuge in an isolated house. Their relief is short-lived as a sinister secret hides within those walls, and they become the prey of a serial killer hidden among them. As supplies dwindle and paranoia grows, they are left to wonder who will survive when the world has…shifted.”

They don’t explain who/what the murderous creatures are, but I’m thinkin’ Republicans.

TOTEM CHASER / May 3, 2023 (Brooklyn, NY premier), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A video crew seeks the truth of the paranormal. A cult priestess lures them to be unwitting sacrifices, while they believe this is the haunted house that will bring them fame and fortune. When they find themselves in too deep, it’s a race against time for the video crew to stop the embodiment of a demonic god — or feed their flesh to the Totem Cult.”

Cult priestess…haunted house…human sacrifice…demonic god. There are worse things to do on a Saturday night.

THE THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER PART 1 / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“October 1979. Ricky Dean is a man on a mission. Years ago, he lost a child at the hands of a psychopathic killer named Jakkariah Harding. When Harding escapes Death Row, Ricky throws himself into the line of fire to stop him from killing again as Harding preys upon a group of friends gathered to watch a college football game.”

Lots of other events happened in October of 1979: The U.S. returned the Canal Zone to Panama (about freakin’ time), Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and was awarded $192,000.00 (she gave it to the poor instead of letting it ride on red at the casinos), and “My Sharona” by acid jazz pop rockers The Knack falls from the #1 spot on Billboard™ after ruling the radio for six weeks. Being a psychopathic killer back then kinda pales in comparison.

THE THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER PART V / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Unstoppable killer Jakkariah “Jack” Harding is back in town after seven years, as he stalks and kills at random before chancing upon a football watch party. The game is, of course, between longstanding rivals the Alabama-Mobile Seahawks and Tennessee A&M Commonwealth. Chaos ensues, in increasingly ridiculous fashion, with inventive murders and multiple love triangles. Hearts are broken and appendages are torn.”

Don’t let the Part V fool you — Part II, III and IV do not exist, so this is the sequel to Part I. Confusing, but not as confusing as the fake football teams (Alabama-Mobile Seahawks?) and why the killer only targets people watching said football games. Heaven help us if Jakkariah catches anyone watching the Cornhole Olympics on ESPN™.

A Tub of Screams, Mermaids in Heat, Hairy Legs

While I’m not a fan of the Scream movie franchise (don’t make me explain), gotta admit the Scream VI Popcorn Tub is a pretty slick movie tie-in. You can get it for $19.99 (click here) with a shipping date of early August 2023. Kinda curious as to why this wasn’t scheduled to coincide with Scream VI’s March 10, 2023 theater premier, which would’ve made way more sense. But since when has Hollywood done anything that’s ever made sense, besides Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000).

So what does $19.99 get you? “The Scream VI Popcorn Tub is blow mold plastic, with ABS glossy Ghostface mask sculpted to accuracy, the iconic “Do you like scary movies?” embossed on back with robe texture all over. It’s 8” tall and has an 85 oz capacity.” That can hold a lot of popcorn. But as this thing is plastic and looks like a giant beer mug, 85 oz — or over a half gallon of beer. Now there’s something to scream about!

So while we head to 7-Eleven™ to buy a half gallon of beer to go in the popcorn tub, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head feel like the inside of a popcorn maker — or 7-Eleven™…

JACKPOT ISLAND — KUMANTHONG RETURNS / Out now (VOD)

“Jackpot Island — Kumanthong Returns continues to spread obsession and doubts about one of Southeast Asia’s most terrifying divinities. Who is really hiding behind the evil, monstrous face and holding terrifying secrets? What does a deadly island and the terrifyingly mysterious appearance of monstrous mermaids have to do with this brutal and terrifying spell?”

This Vietnamese horror movie’s original title is Đảo Độc Đắc — Tử Mẫu Thiên Linh Cái. This is all Google Translate™ could do with it: Doc Dac Island — Tu Mau Thien Linh Cai. I could’ve guessed that. But what I really want to see is those monstrous mermaids, or “nàng tiên cá quái dị.”

MARUI VIDEO (aka, 8MM) Out now (VOD)

“The video evidence of the murder is especially brutal and graphic and shouldn’t release to the public. A reporter who has access to the prosecutor’s office hears about a cursed tape in the video archive and begins reporting on it. As he digs into the background of the tape, he and his team uncover tidbits of records and find links to various cases. But as they dig deeper and deeper, mysterious events take place all around them.”

Cursed video tape…where have I heard that before? Oh, I remember: all 14 Ring/Ringu movies. 

BAD CONNECTION Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a downtrodden young waitress buys a stolen cell phone and discovers a snuff film on it, she soon finds herself on the run from a maniacal madman with a hunting knife who is hellbent on getting it back, and willing to slaughter anyone who stands in his way.”

I don’t see why the maniacal madman with a hunting knife is so hellbent on getting the phone back for the film footage. It’s not like it’s a dick pic that was accidentally sent to everyone in your phone’s address book.

FOOTSTEPS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of young women head to Marshall Woods, intending to blow off steam and find inspiration for their book about local ‘missing person’ lore and legends. They soon discover they are not alone and unwittingly begin a bloody fight for survival against a terrifying and unnatural antagonist.”

If you read the 2020 short story of the same name this is based on, you know there’s a werewolf, body blood, women blood, and the ripping of blouses. Not necessarily in that order.

Foul Fowl, Butcher Brood, Blood-Sucking Satire

Dracula has a dog and hangs out with all manner of icky bugs. So why not a bird as a new addition to his monstrous menagerie? Sure, he can change into a bat and flap around town. But if Drac had a bird, they could it together. This is why Pesquet’s Parrot — also known as the Dracula Parrot — would be a splendid choice for a feathered fiend friend as it looks pure evil and could peck out your disbelieving eyes with its beak of doom.

Dracula Parrots are short-tailed, 20 inches in length, and can only be found in the mountains of New Guinea, which is 5,064.6 miles from Transylvania, where Dracula hangs his cape. Maybe Drac-o could spring for a bus ticket to get this bird since Amazon Prime™ doesn’t ship to either location. (I wonder if Amazon™ ships to the Amazon? I’ll do some research.)

So while we go to 7-Eleven™ to purchase an exotic bird, beak polish and maybe some gum, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need a cage liner…

THE PARK / March 2, 2023 (VOD)

“When a mysterious virus starts killing all adults, society is left to be governed by children living on borrowed time. After the adult population is wiped out, rival kids battle for control of an abandoned theme park. Danger lurks around every corner, and they must do whatever it takes to survive their hellish Neverland.”

Mysterious virus, my eye — the adults killed themselves. Why? You’ve seen their kids…

UNSEEN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

Two women form an unlikely connection when a depressed gas station clerk Sam, receives a call from Emily, a nearly blind woman who is running from her murderous ex in the woods. Emily must survive the ordeal with Sam being her eyes from afar using video call.”

How could you be depressed working as a gas station clerk? You get to meet lots of eccentric customers, have unfettered access to all varieties of flavorful gum, and huff as much gas fumes as want.

INFLUENCER / Spring 2023 (Shudder™)

“Madison, a popular social media influencer who is having a lonely and uneventful trip in Thailand despite what she tells her followers on Instagram. While reflecting on her boyfriend canceling the trip, she meets CW, a fearless and enigmatic traveler who offers to take her to some of the most Instagram-worthy locations. Together they share authentic meals and drinks with locals, discussing the differences between Madison’s online presence and CW’s lack of one. After showing Madison all of the amazing sights, things take a different turn when CW brings her to a surprise location — a deserted island that is completely off the grid.”

Yeah, no.

DON’T SUCK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A veteran comedian’s last chance at stardom takes him on the road with a young comic whom reveals an unexpected past.”

The young comic is a vampire. He better not suck at his job. And yet he better suck at his job.

Slashers of the Universe, Teen Exterminator, Eco-Friendly Snake Pit

More from the world of AI-generated art, this batch being a mash-up of 1980’s Masters of the Universe with its characters being recast using Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Pennywise, Michael Myers and Chucky joining the made-for-toy ranks of Skeletor, He-Man and Beast Man. If these ever get manufactured into cool bath tub toys, I’m pretty sure I’d sell my car for a complete set. 

In case you don’t know anything about Masters of the Universe, I could tell you, but here’s what I “borrowed” from Wikipedia™ because I ate too much lazy soup for lunch: “Masters of the Universe (sometimes referred to as the He-Man or She-Ra series) is a sword and planet-themed media franchise created by Mattel™. The main premise revolves around the conflict between He-Man (the alter ego of Prince Adam) and Skeletor on the planet Eternia, with a vast lineup of supporting characters in a hybrid setting of medieval sword and sorcery, and sci-fi technology.”

Sounds like happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. So while we head to the Tug to experience the entire spectrum of artificial intelligence, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not benefit from an AI-generated script…

LITTLE BONE LODGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During a vicious storm, two criminal brothers on the run seek refuge in a desolate farmhouse. Taking the resident family captive, they find the house holds dark secrets of its own.”

And that secret is the farm family is all lactose intolerant. That’s why the farm is desolate — no cows.

PENSIVE Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After classmates destroy life-size wooden folk art statues during a wild high school graduation party at a remote cottage, a mysterious killer starts picking them off one by one.”

A graduation bash is called wild by destroying wood statues? Today’s high schoolers don’t have a clue how to party. 

THE UNSEEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A law student finds himself in a twisted web of murder and deceit brought on by a dark force from his past.”

I could never be a lawyer — I can’t pass a bar. [Insert rim shot here]

QUICKSAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An American couple, on the brink of divorce, travel to Colombia for a work conference. While on a hike through the Rainforest, a storm causes them to become trapped in a pit of quicksand. Unable to move, it becomes a struggle for survival as they battle the elements of the jungle and a venomous snake in order to escape.”

There are snakes in the Rainforest? No thank you — those things goon me out. I’ll do my dirty business in the park. As usual.

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Terror-ible Drinks, Blissful Bigfoot, Hotel Bed Bugs

2 Fingers Social. Sounds like a party for proctologists. If so, pretty funny. But 2 Fingers Social is a bar/restaurant in White Center (aka, Rat City), a quick twerk from West Seattle, the Capitol of Where I Live. And it’s not JUST a bar, but a MOVIE bar.

Sure, any bar can show flicks. But the neighborhood jewel 2 Fingers Social often big screens all manner of horror/sci-fi movies, their tables tops are Hellraiser’s Lament Configuration designs, and they offer savory craft cocktails (i.e., more deluxe than not-craft cocktails), like Suspiria, The Fog and Lestat. Of course they have beer (IPA, Pale, Stout, Porter, Pilsner…but no Budweiser™. Pity. If they only knew how much business they’re losing from ME by not having the King of Beers™.

In addition to all of what was just established (as well as killer promotions augmented by the aforementioned drinkables), you can get hot dogs, tamales, and pizza. (I recommend the face-fulfilling Leather Face and Goblin King pies, because hey, cool names.) And because you need exact GPS coordinates to get there: 2 Fingers Social, 9211 Delridge Way SW, Seattle, WA 98106.

While you use one of your more sociable fingers to hitchhike there, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as much fun as a proctologist party…

BIGFOOT 2 / Out now (VOD)

“In a primeval forest, a biological researcher and her expedition team played life-and-death games with prehistoric crocodiles and mutant giant spiders, and even discovered a mysterious creature that only existed in legends — Bigfoot. Just as everyone was immersed in joy, they did not know the greater danger.”

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been immersed in joy every time I see Bigfoot. He embodies pure happiness and makes one giddy as a little girl.

THE 100 / Out now (YouTube™)

“A group is quarantined in a hotel that’s home to a giant centipede and its spawn. Fame and Phil, two popular sibling YouTubers, check in to Srichanphen Hotel for a state-mandated fourteen-day quarantine during the height of the pandemic. In the hotel, they encounter strange events.”

As with any two-star motor lodge, they tack on extra for oversized bugs. Not unreasonable.

THE LABYRINTH Out now (YouTube™)

“Subway passengers face off against a giant centipede.”

Funny how they use the term “face off” — guess the first thing the giant centipede orders from the menu that is you?

THE CASE OF DISAPPEARANCES / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beast raids a town resulting in unexplainable murders. But what’s the mystery behind the beast?”

Better call Scooby-Doo…he’s the ONLY ONE who can solve this body-mangling mystery. Just look as his scorecard — Scoob’s never not been able to solve a paranormal puzzle once in over 50 years. He’s the Sherlock Holmes of sleuthing.

British Zombie Bikers

The rules are simple: make a deal with the devil and you get immortality and candy. Break a deal with the devil and you get turned into a frog and eat house flies and grub worms for all eternity. (I’ve only eaten gummi worms, so probably gonna pass on any deal-breaking.)

That’s the premise of the British zombie biker horror oddity, Psychomania (aka, The Death Wheelers/1973). But the young, heck-raising youths wearing spook masks and mocking traffic laws who each commit suicide so that they can come back from the dead in “forever in blue jeans,” think being dead is fun. In fact, it suits them, as their motorcycle gang name is The Living Dead. Cute.

Tom, the gang’s uncombed leader, loves black magic. He was tainted by evil as a crib rat when his mom made an immortality pact with the devil. Now that he’s old enough to make his own satanic bargains, Tom kills himself and returns exactly as he was prior to the expire (no rotting faces or unbrushed teeth), and convinces the rest of the direction-less youth to do the same.

How the gang commits suicide is not very imaginative or graphic: Jumping out of a plane and not pulling the parachute cord, wrapping oneself in chains attached to a cement brick and taking swimming lessons, jumping out of a hi-rise window, driving face first into oncoming traffic… If you waver, you actually die and don’t get to rejoin your zombie biker brothers and their quest to be bothersome to the community.

They drive their motorbikes into the grocery store (punks – there’s tons of parking outside), crashing into carefully stacked canned goods (good marketing). Then they drive into a police station holding a few of their rapscallion pals in conjunction with murder (lots of bloodless associative deaths) and break them out. Then they meet at a fog-drenched place called “The Seven Witches” (a field filled with standing stones) and question one members’ lack of pact. It’s Tom’s girlfriend. She tried offing herself with pills, but goofed up with the goofers and didn’t die. Now Tom and the gang want to die her for good.

Meanwhile, Tom’s mom has had enough of her son’s troubleness and summons the devil (some old guy in a suit, with a sword and a jeweled magic ring) to renege on their arrangement. She’s warned about the whole “frog for eternity” thing, but she doesn’t care — just get it over with and stop that Tom.

With absolutely no blood, gore or even salty language, Pyschomania wraps up with The Living Dead turning into cocooned corpses and finally into stones, which the devil further augments his collection, which he keeps in “The Seven Witches” front lawn. And Tom’s girlfriend who was about to be killed? She’s now single, but lives to die another day.