Archive for Germany

Sci-Fi Pizza, Apocalypse Santa, Hungry Sinkholes

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Flying Saucer Pizza

If you’re fortunate enough to live in Redmond, WA, you can order your nutrients from Flying Saucer Pizza (“An Experience in Outer Taste”), a restaurant that features silverware-optional stomach-fillers that combine mozzarella with sci-fi. After eating one of their highly-rated pizzas, you’ll have to loosen your Van Allen radiation belt. Heh.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Founded in 2005, Flying Saucer Pizza in Washington State makes perfect (and clever) sense, since modern-age UFOs first originated here when aviator and businessman Kenneth Arnold became globally known for making what is generally considered the first widely reported unidentified flying object sighting in the UFA (United States of America — you’re welcome) back in 1947 — way ahead of my backward-pants wearing neighbor.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Flying Saucer Pizza features abduction-stimulating names for their meals, like the “Area 51” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, red roma tomatoes, tender artichoke hearts fresh spinach), “Soylent Green” (FSP pesto sauce, whole milk mozzarella, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomatoes, basil-garlic topped with pine nuts) and “Crop Circles” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, mushrooms, red onion, green and red peppers, black olives, pepperoncini). In all, FSP features 17 sci-fi themed pizzas — and one Earthly, basic cheese pizza. Prices for a 10” pizza (served on a pan that looks suspiciously like a flying saucer) range from $9.00 to $11.50. Good luck getting those prices on Uranus. Bonus: 27 beers on tap. Beam me up today, if possible.

Flying Saucer Pizza

You can order online at flyingsaucerpizza.com, though if you’re outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, your SOL. (Get the sun joke reference? C’mon, that’s pure comedy gold.)

While you figure out how to have one of their pizzas delivered by UPS™, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to snack on (napkins recommended)…

Swamp Terror

SWAMP TERROR (available now)
“Two sisters venture deep into the swamp looking for their long lost father.”

Not to be confused with The Swamp Terrorists, a Swiss electro-industrial “music” group from the ’80s, although you can see the disturbing similarities. As for the plot, yeah, the first place I’d look for my missing dad would be a swamp. (Those things are like inside-out unflushed toilets.) IMBd.com lists this one as having been released in 2014. I was combing my hair that year, so I may have missed it — if IMBd is not fake news. So what’s in a bayou swamp besides location-challenged patriarchal figureheads? Assorted floatables that can eat you, that’s what.

Basement: The Terror Below

BASEMENT: THE TERROR BELOW (available now)
“Shortly after Tim Ritter moves into his new apartment, he hears strange noises coming from the basement. The nightly disturbances and other unexplained events keep him awake almost every night. Sleep deprived and at his wit’s end, Tom buys several video cameras to record whomever or whatever is causing the strange phenomena.”

Dangitall — another found footage movie. Most found footage movies suck camcorder. The only difference here is this one comes from Germany, which means the nightly disturbances in the basement are likely party people binge-watching Der Tatortreiniger on the ’ol fernsehgerät while munching Currywurst flavored chips from an ornate schüssel.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Doomsday

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY (2017)
Kelly and her son Riley, weathering the end times in a bomb shelter amidst the ruin that once was the world. With supplies and hope steadily declining, Kelly makes a horrifying decision that will cause her to discover just how far she would go for her child, and what lurks outside.”

This may or may not be available now. Couldn’t find it on any of the porn tips, uh, movie database sites I frequent. I think, though, that Kelly’s “horrifying” decision would be to go outside. According to the trailer, there are fat, gas-mask-wearing Santa Claus survivors roaming the waistlands with no one left to give gifts to. (Note to apocalypse St. Nicks — you better not use global destruction as an excuse to not come to my house.)

Sinkhole 2

SINKHOLE 2 (pending 2018)
Angry sinkholes attack a small, nondescript town, engulfing people and buildings one by one. These ravenous monsters appear without warning, sucking terrorized townsfolk into oblivion. Enter a seismological specialist with a secret past, hellbent on revenge. He joins forces with the local sheriff, who is on a personal mission to save his own daughter and town. Can this unlikely duo abort these monstrous cracks of death? Will our heroes survive overwhelming forces of nature with potentially explosive consequences? Can they combat a skeptical mayor with ulterior motives who will stop at nothing to serve his own selfish gains?

Sounds like Dirt Jaws. Sinkholes, by the way, also go by another name: “box office.”

Undead Tribute, Get To Know Bigfoot, Death Personified

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

As hardcore The Walking Dead fans have burned into their iCalendars™, the 100th episode — and season eight AMC™ opener — happens on Sunday, October 22, 20017. (And you thought the total eclipse was worth watching.)

The Walking Dead

To celebrate/commemorate, TWD episode director/ makeup effects master Greg Nicotero teamed up with his insanity talented KNB FX design team to whip up some tasty tribute posters, all in the style of one of the coolest horror shows ever on TV. Included with the above slick tribute to Alien is zombie/star character homages to Back to the Future, The Thing, Thunderball and The Omega Man. Pretty swear word cool. (You can find them all by following Greg on Instagram™.)

As the countdown to The Walking Dead marches on, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably stole their ideas from all of the above…

Zombies

ZOMBIES (available now/VOD/Limited – October 31, 2017/DVD)
“When the world is in shambles, plagued by a zombie outbreak, only the strong will survive, but just how much determination will it take? Will Luke and his crew have enough ambition and ammunition to outlive the undead?”

The title and plot should tell you how high they set the bar for themselves. This is so stock, it should be sold in grocery stores next to canned soup and frozen TV dinners.

Death On Scenic Drive

DEATH ON SCENIC DRIVE (September 30, 3017/Hard Line Film Festival/Germany)
“During the cold winter months at a secluded countryside home, a young woman named Larissa encounters an entity that transforms her into Death itself. She reins violence against Dallas Henson and the family that resides there.”

Not sure why this one is being premiered in Germany when it’s Canadian-made. Bloody-Disgusting.com says Death On Scenic Drive is a “Gothic filled with gore, madness, weirdness, satanism and screeching, squelching music.” Sounds just like my upstairs neighbors on any given week night.

Discovering Bigfoot

DISCOVERING BIGFOOT (October 27, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“What we think we know of human origins and evolution is about to change forever as we discover the truth about a species that has remained elusive by outwitting and evading modern man for decades despite his best efforts. Journey into the heart of Sasquatch Country and experience three incredible days in the field with Bigfoot experts. This unprecedented feature film includes extraordinary never before seen Sasquatch footage that will shock the world. Witness a terrifying altercation between Sasquatch Researcher Todd Standing and three Sasquatch creatures in the wild.”

The trailer for this documentary purports to show “indisputable” photographic/video evidence of Bigfoot, and even go so far as to include a few snippets of said proof. I’m convinced — and you’re talkin’ to a guy who stands in line at the Puyallup Fair to get an autograph and a picture with a guy in a Bigfoot suit handing out hot tub clearance sale flyers. Say what you will about the mythical wood ape — that guy can sell ice cubes to an eskimo.

The Purge: Island

THE PURGE: ISLAND (July 4, 2018)
The Purge: Island is a prequel that will focus on the events that lead up to the very first Purge event, an experimental test on Staten Island.”

Cool, but I can’t wait for The Purge: Outer Space. In that one we get carte blanche to go all probe-y on those invasive aliens. They won’t know what violated their swimsuit/spacesuit area. Payback’s a b*tch, space b*tches — ha!

Vampire Vitamins

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frostbitten

Back in the good ’ol days of 1944, Waffen SS – a German military squad – under superior fire power from Allied Forces, retreat into the winter-frozen woods (cowards), and end up in a cabin that, even though empty, had a boiling pot on the fire. Instantly, everyone starts looking for three bears.

Frostbitten

Not finding any, they warm their cowardly bones and take turns snoring. Then someone addresses the mystery: The snow outside was packed against the door, which they had to yank to get open. So where are the tenants?

Frostbitten

Perfect timing — something comes out of the darkness and eats one guy’s head in half. More are attacked, with one falling into the basement, where they find more mutilated bodies and a small coffin, the contents of which are trying to get out. The soldiers bury it, go “Whew!,” and jump 60 years into the future.

Frostbitten

A medical mom and her 17 year-old daughter are moving to Norrbotten, a small Lapland town, to put that nasty divorce behind ’em. Two things: I didn’t hear her husband’s side of the story (maybe she was a power nag and he couldn’t take it anymore), and there’s something sucking the neck nectar out of the town’s pets and late-night walking residents.

Frostbitten

So how does the first part and this part hook up? It’s kind of a stretch, but plausible when you find out one of the soldiers, who is now a prominent research doctor, was bitten by the vampire that attacked his troops, and he himself is One Of Them. Initially, he tried to find a cure. Only thing that can cure vampirism is a nice stake dinner. Then he gets the idea to enhance his vampiric powers, and develops a red pill (made so with food coloring) to kick it into overdrive. Think of it as a vampire vitamin.

Frostbitten

Once some partying med students get their hands on the drug, all heck breaks loose. Why? Because the pill turns standard-issue humans into vampires. Imagine the look on their faces after drinking party punch with a bunch of vampire pills dumped into the festive beverage. Some good moments, like when the doctor reveals his innermost suck. (He looks all brown and leathery, like an old baseball mitt and/or the bat-human in 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula.)

Frostbitten

One guy, who took the pill because he thought it would get him high, can now hear animals talk to him. A dog laughs and tells him he’s gonna burn. Funny stuff. Then there’s the live rabbit-eating scene. Then the party gets out of control, with vampiric teens climbing the walls — literally. The gore is as tasty as fresh rabbit stew, and the sub-plot, while not really taking off, is enough to hold things together until they can be torn apart.

Frostbitten

If you’re thinking this all sounds familiar, refer to 30 Days of Night (2007), where vampires take over a small Alaskan oil town where the sun won’t be coming for a month. Same seasonal phenomenon in Frostbitten (aka, Frostbite, Frostbiten/2006). Not bad, though, for a film with sub-titles and baseball mitt textured vampires.

Frank ’n Wolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943) was a box office masterstroke, pitting two of the world’s greatest monsters in a no-disqualifications battle royale. Although considered a horror classic, look under the marquee and you’ll see it wasn’t as epic as the title promised.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Yeah, everyone thought Larry Talbot, the beleaguered werewolf, died at the end of The Wolf Man (1941). Even the grave robbers looking to pilfer the tomb of Talbot thought so. That is until they popped the top and allowed the light of the full moon to revive Larry’s corpse, enabling him to go on a throat-ripping spree.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

He’s put in hospital by ranting and raving he’s responsible for the community throat-ripping while in wolf form. Oh, Larry – you so crazy! Gooned out to the point of having to go through all those hairy experiences again, Larry breaks out and seeks Maleva, the old gypsy woman whose wolf-y son bit Talbot’s tummy and passed along the curse. She tells him there is no cure, but might know someone who does. So off they go by horse and buggy from London to Germany. That’s around 700 miles. Long time to be sitting next to a ticking time bomb.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Arriving in Germany, Larry and Maleva ask around town about Dr. Frankenstein, who just happens to have a working knowledge of life and death. More so with death as he died. This makes Larry super bummed. He then gets the idea to root around the semi destroyed Castle Frankenstein (Sorry – spoiler. It was ka-BOOMED back in 1931) for the dead doc’s diary to see if there’s a way to end his immortality.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

It’s here he stumbles across Frankenstein’s monster encased in ice. Pretty cold and snowy in them there parts, even though the lowlands are quite weather agreeable. Not the lowland residents, though. Doesn’t take much to get them in the mood for a little pitchforkin’.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Larry and Frank break the ice and become allies of sorts. The monster tries to show him where the diary is, but to no avail. Heading into town, Larry fakes a land purchase so he can meet the super hot Baroness Elsa Frankenstein and perhaps get clues to the diary’s whereabouts. About this time Larry’s London doc, who had been trailing him, shows up. Then the monster wanders into town, getting everybody super freaked. They all barely escape the pitchfork and head to the castle.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

NOW we get to the juice. The diary is located, the doctor reassembles the machinery and figures out how to reverse the polarity of electricity on the wired patients and… Dang, he just can’t do it as he suddenly gets a God Complex and wants to make the monster even stronger. As it happens when you mix electricity with monsters on a full moon night, you have problems.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Larry furs up and the two abominations go at it. And here’s where slight disappointment sets in. The monumental battle only lasts 60 seconds, with Franklin throwing the Wolf Man around like a stuffed animal. But I’ll give this to Larry; the boy is quick and agile. While they lock up, one of the villagers lights a pile of dynamite at the foot of the damn the castle is built in front of, thereby releasing the damn’s contents and destroying the rest of the castle and the monsters with it. I think the handsome doc and hot Baroness made it out safely and probably hooked up. I’m fine with that.

FYI: This is not the original Frankenstein’s monster. Dracula played the mute creature this time around. Cool, but not as cool as the original.

American Demons, Swiss Zombies, German Sci-Fi

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ava's Possession

While 2016 got off to a bumpy start in January, with the upcoming releases of four new horror/sci-fi movies announced in the first few molting days of February gives one hope that the rest of the year won’t suck buttock.

First up is Ava’s Possession, arriving March 4, 2016: “Ava is recovering from demonic possession. With no memory of the past month, she must attend a Spirit Possessions Anonymous support group to figure out what happened. Ava’s life was hijacked by a demon, now it’s time to get it back.”

Demonic possession is always good for the soul.

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies

Gonna have to wait ‘til the end of 2016 to see Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies. I’m okay with that –gives me something positive to look forward to in December besides egg nog. Here’s what AotLZ is about:

“Steve, a young professional snowboarder, his girlfriend Branka and fellow snowboarder Josh get left behind on the mountain. They seek shelter in a garish, loud aprés-ski tavern that’s hosting an all-night party for the longest night of the year. Things go from bad to worse when a scientific experiment conducted by a local entrepreneur unleashes an epidemic of zombies and mutant wildlife, but this is mostly lost on the local drunkards as they themselves are not always so easy to distinguish from zombies. Steve, Branka and Josh have to find a way to survive this hellish night.”

If they’re looking to cast local drunkards, my calendar is wide open.

The Possession Experiment

Speaking of being possessed, The Possession Experiment arrives in the European market on February 13, 2016 and offers YET ANOTHER spin on the curiously popular demonic possession/exorcism theme: “Brandon, a theology student, is teamed with a classmate and are led to investigate a multiple homicide/suicide that eventually is discovered to have been an exorcism gone horribly wrong. Brandon quickly becomes obsessed with the event, and decides the only way to research this topic is to undergo it himself. Brandon realizes that though he was incredibly intrigued by it, he has taken on more than he can handle.”

Performing an exorcism on yourself seems a lot like that Cinnamon Challenge on YouTube™.

EZO1 Madness

Horror not your cup of blood? Then you might want to check out the oddly titled EZO1 Madness (releasing 2016), the first independent sci-fi movie coming from Germany in more than two decades, or 20 years. Described as “combining breathless action in an interesting take on Eastern and Western philosophy and classic horror elements.”

I’m all about philosophy, so this one could be good brain food: “EZO1 Madness is set in a post-apocalyptic world, where the last of human kind are hunted by giant monsters, zombies, genetically enhanced soldiers and ancient machines of war.”

EZO1 Madness is set to make the indie film circuit in 2016. Until such time I’ll go back to reading The Incoherence of the Philosophers For Dummies.

Queen Kong: Jungle Skank

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen Kong

If you feel life is not precious then go ahead and waste an hour and a half of it watching Queen Kong (1976). Yeah, something that dumb can only be a comedy spoof. If only it were funny. But I’ll tell you whose laughing – the attorneys for King Kong, who got this thing tied to a sacrificial altar due to copyright squeezings brought on by King Kong (1976)/King Kong Lives (1986) producer Dino De Laurentiis. How do you them bananas?

Queen Kong

While it only got limited release Italy and Germany, Queen Kong is so painfully painful, it’s doubtful Queen Kong would’ve had an impact on her male counterpart. They took the story and flipped genders, with the strangle-worthy British lead male in the role of Ray Fay (groan) being sacrificed to Queen Kong, who falls in love with the twit and let’s her affection get her caught and imported to London to wiggle her chain-linked boobs for profit.

Queen Kong

If the effects, which are anything but special, have you throwing fruit at your TV (it’s not your magic viewing box’s fault), the acting – mostly hot chicks in bikinis – and the dialogue that induces reverse-eating. Example: The supermodel tribe leader chick only speaks in jungle-ese and says stuff like “Unga bunga, wanga banga.” Sounds like a Ted Nugent song.

Queen Kong

Even with QK battling a giant paper mache dinosaur, it’s the sissy boy Ray Fay whose arrogant preening makes you wanna see a giant primate step on him. Endless shrieking and bragging, this idiot looks like one of the Herman’s Hermits and says stuff like, “You can’t eat me! I’m Jewish! I’m Irish! I’m black! I’m a leper! I’m a Jewish black Irish leper!” The death penalty would be too lenient.

Pluses: Dozens of hot chicks in bikinis. Minuses: The rest of the movie.

Queen Kong

Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein

Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein. I was wondering when those two were gonna lock it up given all the period piece mash-ups leaking into our popped cultured brains: Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves (2015), FDR: American Badass! (2012), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016).

Filming in Belgium near the German border in a castle of all things (what, Starbucks™ too “contemporary” for you?), Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein (release pending) will make it to your face if they get enough crowdfunding via IndieGoGo [click HERE]. In the meantime, the filmmakers have uploaded a nice trailer to get your wallet warmed up.

So here’s how these two legendary icons get in a tangle: “1898. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson travel to Germany to investigate a strange case in the village of Darmstadt.”

“Who is the mysterious figure who digs up corpses and steals their limbs? Could these events be related to the nearby presence of Castle Frankenstein, whose name is closely associated to Mary Shelley’s horror novel? Everyone is a suspect.”

I’m not a suspect. I have a iron-clad alibi; I was drinking a cold refreshing adult beverage and watching the telly.

Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein has a killer movie poster created by Gil Jouin, a French illustrator. I wonder if he’d be available to design the poster for my upcoming crowdfunded period flick, Daniel Boone vs. Mecha Old Yeller. I only need $15 dollars to get this thing done.