Martian God

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Red Planet Mars

Using Radio Shack’s™ new hydrogen valve, an American scientist manages to get a radio signal to Mars and receives transmissions back that the Red Planet is way more awesome than Earth. My own experiments confirm this.

Red Planet Mars

The Martians explain, via math language, that they’ve overcome fuel, food and health problems with their advanced technology. This causes Earth’s entire economic system to collapse. Why employ people when the Martians can supply us with technology that does the trick for a fraction of the cost? Thanks a lot, Mr. Science.

Red Planet Mars

But high in the Andes is a German scientist living like a hermit with the exact same radio transmitter. He was the one who invented the hydrogen valve, and he’s using his version to advance Russian interests in world domination by “listening” in on the interplanetary conversations.

Red Planet Mars

The Russians are gleeful. Having been unsuccessful in defeating the U.S. in everything but chess, they’re wringing their hands over the financial meltdown, which is bringing everything to a screeching halt and… Wait a minute – that’s not Mars talking, it’s the Russians answering back, giving us erroneous information, which is causing everyone to freak. Pretty smarty pants when you think about it.

Red Planet Mars

Meanwhile, the Nazi scientist effortlessly manages to get out of the Andes before an avalanche wipes out his stylish slum hut, get on a plane to America, and sneak into the American scientist’s military-guarded house, all to take credit for single-handedly crushing the United States through simple deception.

Red Planet Mars

But while he’s there, one more transmission comes through. The “Martians” send an incomplete final cryptic message that implies that God is talking to them. The message goes out and the world calms the heck down. But not before the Nazi, usurped by The Lord, gets in the last word. And speaking of last words, the President addresses the nation and it’s all but a propaganda speech for organized religion.

Not surprised the Martians are Christians, but I am visibly shocked the hokey Red Planet Mars (1952) didn’t come with a collection plate.

Zombie Gladiator

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Demonicus

An ancient burial cave (or “tunnel”) holds the rotted carcass of Demonicus, a bully gladiator left in the cave for a really long time to reflect on his poor behavior. To wear his shiny helmet is to serve Demonicus. So, hey – why not?

Demonicus

A bunch of teens go hiking. One finds the cave and dons the evil chapeau, then slaughters his friends with a sword he can barely hold up. He then collects the body parts, puts them in a boiling pot with some chicken stock and chopped celery, creating a nutritious soup that’ll bring Demonicus back to life so that he may continue to shout Latin slogans and bite the arms of the weak.

Demonicus

As dumb v.3 as it gets, Demonicus (2001) makes no attempt at dialogue, sub-plots, or hiding the fact that “actors” will one minute be standing in complete darkness, then a few minutes later in sunlight. Then in an unemployment line.

Demonicus

If the plot doesn’t kill you, the story line will. It’s enough to make you wanna perform a ritual sacrifice on your TV.

Future People Suck

Posted in Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , on April 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Flight That Disappeared

The L.A. to Washington D.C. passenger flight  didn’t really disappear – it was just stuck in the clouds while future people de-planed a nuclear physicist, a supermodel math expert and a rocket know-it-all, and put them on trial for crimes they were going to commit. (I.e., build an atomic bomb that will eventually wipe everyone off the face of this toilet Earth, thereby denying the distant dudes the right to be born at some point in time.) Man, future people can be so pissy.

The Flight That Disappeared

The plane, malfunctioning during a storm, climbs so high, lack of oxygen knocks everyone out and makes the engines stall. The three bomb-makers come to and try and argue their way out of being doomed to all eternity in the clouds.

The Flight That Disappeared

No one wants to live in clouds, so they bolt back to the plane, where it somehow resumes its flight, with no one the wiser (except those three soon-to-be-troublemakers).

The Flight That Disappeared

The Flight That Disappeared (1961) is a Twilight Zone knock-off, but it does have some good moments, including a TZ twist-o ending. But where future people – who don’t exist yet – buy their pants and shirts, leaves one to ponder.

Undead Conjugal Visits

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Men Walking

It begins with a guy with a shotgun turning zombie heads into salsa. Of course, the cops think he’s a serial murderer and arrest him before he can shoot himself, because seconds before the cops bust in, some zombie goo backwash splattered in the guy’s mouth. Those of us who have seen zombies in action know it’s game over, man.

Dead Men Walking

They haul the guy away to the Harwood Maximum Security Prison (conveniently located on a main downtown street) and take him to the prison doctor because he’s coughing, drooling and throwing up all over those spotless prison floors. He sneezes on the docs face and spits up black blood on other prisoners. That is so unsociable as to be downright rude.

Dead Men Walking

Like dominos, those now infected with the biotoxin virus are converting to a new religion: the incarcerated dead. From here on out it’s tired zombie meat ’n eats, although the gore is plentiful and looks a lot like the gravy surprise they serve at the prison every Friday.

Dead Men Walking

FEMA calls and puts the prison under quarantine. A CDC representative (i.e., chick with matching blouse and skirt) is stuck inside, along with the warden’s plump ’n juicy son, who looks like a menu item at the next zombie prison picnic. Guts are liberated from torsos; blood vomit decorates the walls like an abstract painting (possible Dali); prison guards are being eaten and turning into prisoners of their own skin gobbling hunger.

Dead Men Walking

As true with all zombie flicks, everyone dies. As will a part of you if you forfeit above ground time watching the paint-by-numbers Dead Men Walking (2005).

Haunted House Janitorial Service

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burnt Offerings

Here’s an idea – take a vacation and stay in a haunted house. Rent is only $900 for two months with fridge privileges, but you have to clean up the place and feed the old lady in the attic once a day. Oh yeah, you can’t talk to her or even look at her withered old face, either. Just leave the food outside the door and get your fat sack out.

Burnt Offerings

So the Rolf family moves into the spooky 37 room/50 acre Victorian mansion on the agreement they’ll take care of Aunt Bat and mop the floors, mow the lawn, clean the turds out of the pool, etc. Yep, sounds a like a real relaxing vacation.

Burnt Offerings

So mom, dad, the kid and their aunt Elizabeth (played by the iconic shriveled raisin Bette Davis) move in and slowly things start going tilt-a-whirl, like dad suddenly going mental and trying to drown his son Davey in the just-cleaned pool. Then there are the photos throughout the house depicting unrelated people, none of whom are smiling. Would you smile if there were turds in your swimming pool? Sure as heck not me.

Burnt Offerings

You’d think the Rolfs would get the hell outta there, but man, that was such a sweet deal on the rent, hard to throw it down the drain just because of violent, unexplained mood swings and dead relatives. As everyone finds out TOO FREAKIN’ LATE the house is alive – and it doesn’t want alive people in it.

Burnt Offerings

If I were to tell you the secret of Burnt Offering’s (1976) old woman in the attic, you’d probably never send me $5.00 in the mail. Let’s just say it’s spookified. And those photos in the house? Take another look. And no, I’m not in any of ’em doing the two-fingered dealie behind someone’s head. I save that for wedding pictures.

The More The Carrier

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carriers

A virus – or “plague” – has swept the landscape. If you’re infected, you’re soon dead as there is no quick fix. If you’re not gooned out, you have to wipe everything down with bleach. (That stuff will burn your eyes if you use too much.) If someone looks OK, assume that they aren’t and kill them. Twice, if you have time.

Carriers

Brothers Danny and Brian, along with their girlfriends (OK, Danny isn’t really seeing the chick tagging along, but who else is left on Earth to date?), are as yet not externally bleeding. They’re heading to the ocean where it’s clean. Hopefully.

Carriers

Along the way, a tense encounter with a man and his sick two-year old daughter results in them all traveling together, the new passengers sealed off with plastic tarp and masking tape in the back of Sick Car, everyone else with dust masks in relative comfort up front. The plan is to head to a rumored town up ahead where there was a wonder vaccine that showed promise and a working bathroom. Outta luck and out of service.

Carriers

The kid coughs on Brian’s girlfriend. Too bad she didn’t tell Brian. Too bad Brian likes to make out with her. Too bad he has to break up with her (i.e., leaving her on the side of the road). Once contracted, the disease does a slow burn, rotisserie browning your face, leaving your eyeballs as red as the aftermath of a Jack Daniels™ Box Social.

Carriers

But like all heartwarming pandemic stories, Carriers (2009) comes to a predictable end that, while sufficiently enacted, leaves you wanting more virus rot. In other words, it should’ve made you sicker, but in a good way.

Star Wars For 25 Cents

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Satrfighter

Alex Rogan, a teenager with big dreams, lives in a trailer in a trailer court. That’s where I’d put a trailer. He plays The Last Starfighter arcade game there, not realizing it was a recruitment device sent to find guys who could handle their own in an interstellar space war between Ko-Dan Armada and the Rylan Star League. (Sounds like an astronomy club bowling team.)

The Last Starfighter

His high score earns him a visit from Centauri, who looks like a 50-something human, but isn’t, and asks him to go for a ride. (Hold your jokes.) Alex is zoomed off into outer space where he is asked to help defend the Galaxy against Xur and his invading alien army.

The Last Satrfighter

So it comes down to this: stay in space, defend the Frontier and get to blast the enemy with lasers shot from his own spaceship called the Gunstar (way cool name – I’m gonna call my car that), or go back to the trailer park and dream of everything except going into outer space to kill stuff. Thankfully, Alex comes to his senses and releases his inner Gunstar.

The Last Satrfighter

The Last Starfighter (1984), a Star Wars (1977) knock-off, is mostly kid sci-fi, but entertaining the way playing a video game is without needing to bum quarters.

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