Dr. Feelgood

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Asylum

The Richard Miller University got an upgrade: the insane asylum ward, shut down for years, has been renovated and re-opened as a dorm for freshman arriving at college. (I’m sorry – did I just yawn?)

Asylum

It was in this asylum Dr. Burke performed experimental lobotomies on his teenage patients. Then his patients ran out of patience, wrapped him in barb-wire and subsequently made him the exact opposite of healthy. Not sure how, but Burke is back to continue his work. (Oops – another yawn.)

Asylum

Playing out almost exactly like Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), each student dies according to his or her dark past. For the muscle-bound jock, it’s being fat. For a cold hottie it’s being beaten by her boyfriend. (For me it’d be swimming in a lake of Budweiser™ – without fashionable swim trunks.) Burke, cracking jokes (but not as good as Freddy Krueger) transports his victims into the scene of their fear.

Asylum With Asylum (2008) you seen it all before, you’ve heard it all before. Burke looks like a Rent-A-Center™ version of a Hellraiser (1987) Cenobite with the bondage leather and barb-wire shirt, but he has neither the wit nor style to carry it off. Once impaled by his own lobotomy picks, black stuff leaks out and all the souls he’s collected over the years float away like hot-air victims. I have GOT to stop yawning as it’s so rude.

Hook In Mouth

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

The Vader-voiced, trench coat wearing, chick magnetizing Candyman is the Barry White of Bogeymen. In Candyman 3: Day of the Dead (1999), his third flick, the hook-handed hunk goes after his great-great-great granddaughter, Bay Watch’s Donna D’Erricho.

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead She doesn’t believe in HIM and that makes Candyman very unsociable. So he shoots bees out of his mouth and kills all of her friends with his gut-ripping skills. Been there, stung that.

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

An interesting angle, which they failed to follow through with, included a cult of stinky Goth Candyman disciples who “believe.” Little more than “look who’s stalking,” C-3 (based in East L.A.!) fails to generate any creepiness. Even the eviscerations are dull.

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

Tony Todd as Candyman phones it in and, while D’Errico is gorgeous, all she does is run around in tight tank tops which she keeps on at all times. That qualifies as falsie advertising in my book.

A Killer of Sharks

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Killer

It makes sense that if you have movies about killer sharks, then you should have one about a shark killer. And why waste valuable brain cells coming up with a marketable title? Just call it Shark Killer.

And that’s what someone did. Shark Killer (2015) is about a wisecracking hunk (who looks like Chris Pratt’s steroid clone and is shamelessly patterned after the Guardian of the Galaxy hero) hired by criminals to retrieve a crab-sized diamond that was eaten by a great white shark. Here’s how THEY describe it…

“The services of shark killer Chase Walker have been engaged by his brother, Jake, the head of a South African crime ring. The gig – kill the black-finned shark that swallowed a valuable diamond during a gang transaction.”

“Enlisted to keep an eye on Chase is Jake’s girlfriend, Jasmine. But Chase and Jasmine’s relationship deepens with the threats from a rival crime boss: Bring the diamond to him or die. Now, it’s crime boss against crime boss, brother against brother, and man against nature as Chase strives to rescue Jasmine, save his own life, and seize the greatest catch of his career.”

First thought – way too much plot getting in the way of the shark eating somebody for my personal entertainment. Secondly, the trailer shows the shark, indistinguishable from every other great white shark in the ocean, as being quickly zeroed in on and swimming faster than a dolphin-flavored porpoise.

Shark Killer

I like shark movies for the same reason I like movies about Bigfoot, mostly because they’re totally real. But if the attention of the action is focused on the shark killer and not the shark, then I have to cry red herring. I hope the filmmakers will read this and sea (heh) that they’re wrong, then delete the entire movie and start all over again using me as the action hero. It’s the right thing to do.

Invasion of the Undead

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invasion of the Undead

Invasion of the Undead is a YET ANOTHER zombie movie in a world that’s choking on zombie movies. Made possible via crowd-funding, Invasion arrives digitally March 3, 2015 and, after watching the trailer, brings absolutely nothing new to the table.

Not the filmmakers’ fault – with over one billion zombie movies released in the last five plus years, every spin on the genre has been swallowed and regurgitated so many times as to be bulimic. And does that matter to those of us who are die-hard flesh-eating fans? Not one bit. (Heh.)

So what’s Invasion of the Undead about? Chew on this: “A beautiful young woman gets more than she bargained for when she enlists the aid of two self-proclaimed paranormal exterminators to combat a monster infestation in her new home.”

Invasion of the Undead

Substitute “new home” for my neighborhood and “beautiful girl” for me, and you get my ongoing war with my douchebag neighbors who don’t know the meaning of the phrase, “Shut up or I’ll kill you with one punch to your stupid head.”

I wonder if I should set up a crowd-funding page to raise money for a bulldozer in order to do a little housing relocation for my relentlessly obnoxious neighbors?

This Crow Is In The Myna Leagues

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Crow: City of Angels

Yet ANOTHER grunge emo guy gets killed and has to come back to revenge haunt (i.e., make dead) his killers. Same plot as The Crow (1994). Yawn twice, then fart.

The Crow: City of Angels

The Crow: City of Angels (1996) stars a couple of “where are they now?” ’80s New Wave “rock stars.” (Ian Dury is one of ’em. Iggy Pop is another. I don’t know the other ones because I listen to METAL.) They get killed twice – just because.

The Crow: City of Angels

Lots of acting in this one, with the Crow making his Art Institute™ education pay off. He does more crying than killing, the big emotional wussy wuss. Maybe because the first Crow had a bigger beak and cooler pants.

Death Is Cyclical

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Morgue

Margo is a young woman who works the overnight shift at a mausoleum the size of Costco™, mopping, wiping up fluids of the deceased, picking up dead flowers and throwing ’em away. Ironic, given that the mausoleum is where things go when they’re dead.

One night a man, his wife and young daughter show up with an empty gas can. Seems their car ran out of zoom juice and they’re lost. Right after that, two guys show up, one battered and bruised, the other unconscious due to involuntary blood loss. To throw more plot on the fire, a hooded figure is stalking them with a shovel. He’s explained as a former employee who committed suicide, though they never say how or why, which feels like an unfinished bag of potato chips.

The Morgue

This party group try and leave the funeral home, but can’t seem to find a way out. Mom wanders off only to be cornered by Hooded Ghost Shovel Man, who pours gasoline down her mouth. Too bad; I’d like to see what kind of mileage she gets. Events take a turn for the weirder when the dad and the relatively undamaged guy make it outside and down the road, only to wind back up at the mausoleum.

The Morgue

Margo is desperately trying to evade Hooded Ghost Shovel Man. Most of your valuable time is spent watching her running around and around in circles. This is freakin’ patience-testing. Eventually, Margo and the little girl escape, where they encounter police cars and an ambulance. She cries for help but nobody seems to hear her.

This should tell you how The Morgue (2008) ends, even without me spilling the ghost beans. And Hooded Ghost Shovel Man? No idea where he ended up. Probably back in the morgue with all the dead bodies, all of whom probably died from boredom watching this movie.

Vampire’s Assistant

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Darren and Steve, two high school bestest buddies, check out a freak circus in town and accidentally break a truce between two warring factions of vampires: those who kill their victims and those who just suck on ’em. This results in one of the boys being converted into vampire in order to save him from the Vampaneze. (While I thought that was a cross between a vampire and a chimpanzee, turns out I was incorrect.)

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Steve, jealous as all get out that Darren got to become a vampire and he didn’t, was taken under the wing of the Vampaneze and thus has an excuse to be pissed off ALL the time. You already know where this is going.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

The freak circus people are neat: Snake Boy, who just wants to be a rock star, Gertha Teeth, a woman with beaver teeth the size of pocketbooks, and Alexander Ribs, who has none). But it’s the head vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) who scores as Darren’s mentor. And hey, he’s going out with Madam Truska (Salma Hayek), a stunningly gorgeous woman who can grow facial hair at will. I may be showing my freak side here, but I think that’s kinda sexy.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009) has several sub-plots, one of which has Darren falling for a teen freak chick with a monkey tail. I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere. In all, family horror with a lot of mediocre special effects, a “so-so” storyline, and Salma Hayek, who, even with a beard, is still hotter than 78% of the women on this planet.

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