Cyborg Apron, Another Earth Doomsday, Alligator Addict

Godzilla foe Gigan is an alien cyborg. He used to be a reptile, but was reconfigured into a cyborg by those super mean Nebulans. But what sets Gigan apart from the variety snack pack of kaiju is his stomach buzz-saw, which means if you give him a hug, you’re gonna be sliced open like a hot cantaloupe, seeds and all. Gigan also has metal hooks for hands/feet (presumably for opening beers), a big beak (hide your sniffables) and shiny party rave wings. We got our first look at this unique monster in 1972’s Godzilla vs. Gigan. In that one, Gigan actually made Godzilla bleed out loud, the first kaiju to do that. And to commemorate Gigan’s 50th anniversary (even though he’s 52), Godzilla.com is selling a Gigan Narikiri Apron and Mittens set. As ridiculous as this sounds, I’m gonna have to buy it.

The product description tells us that the $60.00 apron/mittens (oven gloves), are constructed from polyester, synthetic leather, and cotton. And the iconic rotary cutter spine is made out of synthetic leather, presumably made from synthetic cows. Bonus: the apron/mittens are resistant to splattering cow grease, ketchup gone wild and Godzilla blood. Click this to buy it.

So while we look forward to wearing the apron ensemble to work on casual Friday, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be THE fashion statement of the year…

CLEARMIND / Out now (VOD)

“A mother consumed by grief shatters the tranquility of her once-tight circle of friends. With a heart heavy with loss, she descends upon their weekend retreat like a tempest, determined to unleash her fury. However, her vengeance takes on a twisted form, as she wields the immersive power of virtual reality to exact her retribution. Within the digital realm, her wrath knows no bounds, weaving a web of psychological torment and haunting retribution that will leave her former companions forever changed.”

If my mom was able to control the digital realm, she’d make me go clean up the Matrix.

NIGHTMARES AND DAYDREAMS / June 14, 2024 (Netflix™)

“A sci-fi supernatural series about ordinary people encountering strange phenomena that may be keys to the answer about the origin of our world and the imminent threat we will soon face. Characters and plots will intertwine like pieces of a puzzle. And the big picture will be awe-inspiring. The seven episode series presents a different story and a new set of actors in each installment, leading up to a big showdown in the finale.”

I already know the origin of our world — and it has everything to do with aliens, our space overlords.

ROUND THE DECAY / October 2024 (VOD)

“When prominent locals take in a lost hiker, Kenzie, newcomer Roz and mysterious outsider Munroe find themselves caught between the leaders of the town’s factions and entangled in an ancient sinister plot dating back to its founder that threatens the survival of the town and their lives.”

I define an ancient sinister plot as having bars closing at 2AM. That is so sinister.

CRACKODILE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Having chomped on a stash of super crack called Acid Mind Drainage, a sideshow reptile is transformed into a raging blood-lusting beast! The coke-addled creature breaks free of its cage and slips into the river that leads to the sleepy town of Pittman on the eve of the 50th anniversary of the Pittman Pepperoni Roll Festival.”

YET ANOTHER horror movie starring animals on drugs. Just a matter of time before someone does…Bear Aspirin.

Season’s Beatings, Televised Aliens, Grandma Devil

Krampus is to Santa Claus what the Antichrist is to Jesus. According to Wikipedia™ (aka, the Eye of Sauron), Krampus is “an old Christian character and is a horned anthropomorphic goat figure with one human foot and a very long tongue.” While this could easily describe a number of the lovely ladies of Last Call, Krampus knocks on the doors of children’s homes to warn them to be good, or otherwise he’ll beat the porridge outta the badly-behaved kids with birch rods. According to Wikipedia™ yet again, a birch rod is a strong and versatile wood commonly used in craft, woodworking, and furniture making…and beating the porridge out of misbehaved kids. If all this sounds right up your chimney, then you’ll want to grab the new Krampus action figure from Neca™ (National Entertainment Collectibles Association).

From Neca’s™ product description: “Looming over 10 inches tall, this incredibly detailed figure is the ultimate Krampus collectible, perfect for your annual holiday horror display and packed with accessories. Krampus comes draped in real chains with padlocks hanging throughout, all meticulously crafted to replicate the character’s on-screen appearance. Make his expression extra menacing with two separate tongues, one with a wire for posing. Other accessories include seven interchangeable hands, over 10 trinket accessories you can hang on his chains, Krampus bell in box, Krampus bell in wrapping, and that iconic snow globe. Comes in collector-friendly deluxe window box packaging.”

Clearly you need this Krampus figure to give Christmas a badly-needed makeover. Click this to check and see the retail price when it comes up for preorder. Also, it ships October 2024, the OTHER Christmas. So while you/me/they do this, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may now feel like being whacked in the misbehaving bottom with versatile wood (okay, that didn’t come out right)…

ALIEN DISCLOSURE FILES / Out now (VOD)

“Are we alone? For nearly a century governments have classified contact with extraterrestrial life, in the past five years there have been more declassified UAP events than ever. It’s time for disclosure.”

There are 13 episodes that make up this TV series. I’ve watched them all. Because.

ROAD WARS: MAX FURY / May 17, 2024 (Limited theaters), Release pending (VOD)

“In a post-apocalyptic wasteland two sisters leave their stronghold to save their wounded mother. Armed only with a muscle car and limited ammo, they race against time and ruthless raiders to secure life-saving supplies from a distant outpost.”

YET ANOTHER Asylum Studios™ rip-off, not to be confused with Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) OR Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024). And while we’re talking about a bold-face cash-grab, this rip-off stars actor Vernon Wells, who played Wez in 1981’s Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. P.S. This isn’t the first time Asylum™ ripped off Mad Max — they did back in 2015 with Road Wars to ride the coattails of Mad Max: Fury Road released the same year. Where is Humungus when you need him? (You got that reference, right?)

TEMURUN / May 30, 2024 (Indonesia), Release pending (US)

“After the death of their mother due to negligence, siblings Dewi and Sena were picked up by their father to live with him in the city and inherit the family’s meat production company. Dewi finds some comfort with Gayatri’s grandmother, while Sena continues to try to win his father’s love. However, due to discovering signs of demonic magic, Sena tries to convince Dewi to run away. However, she refuses because she is happy with her new life. Finally, Dewi is trapped and it turns out she is being prepared for her family’s ritual as the new container for the devil inside Gayatri’s grandmother.”

The had me a meat production and demonic magic. Kinda the same thing when you think about it.

THE HANGMAN / June 4, 2024 (VOD)

“To mend their troubled relationship, Leon, a middle-aged door-to-door salesman, takes his teenage son on a camping trip into deep rural Appalachia. Little do they know of the mountainous region’s sinister secrets. A local cult has summoned an evil demon born of hate and pain, known to them as The Hangman, and now the bodies have begun to pile up. Leon wakes up in the morning to discover that his son is missing. To find him, Leon must face the murderous cult and the bloodthirsty monster that is The Hangman.”

I’ll only sign up for cults IF they summon evil demons born of hate and pain — and IF they have plates of cookies at weekly meetings.

Mecha-Clown, The Re-Departed, Possessed Prayers

Art the Clown, star of the hyper-violent horror movies Terrifier (2016), Terrifier 2 (2022) and later this year, Terrifier 3, has been likened to this generation’s Freddy Krueger. Art’s rising star can be attributed to the stunning success of Terrifier 2, which had a budget of $250,000 and drilled the box office in the b-hole to the tune of $15.7 million. By comparison, A Nightmare on Elm Street, the star vehicle for Freddy Krueger, had a budget of $1.1 million smackers and grossed $57 million globally — and those are 1984 numbers. Extrapolating for inflation, that comes to $166,479,354.00 in today’s money. So yeah, Art has a ways to go before taking the crown from the king.

Coming this Halloween season (for me that’s January through December ), Party City™ is eying the throne with a life-size Art the Clown and The Little Pale Girl animatronics. From Party City’s™ website: “Step right up to the spine-tingling spectacle of Art the Clown, the slasher villain that haunts beyond the big top. Standing over 6.5 feet tall and covered in blood spatter, Art performs a twisted show of movements and sounds with a menacing hacksaw in hand. The Little Pale Girl is Art the Clown’s sinister sidekick. A haunting figure of mirth turned macabre, she beckons passersby with a wave and a menacing smile. Her eyes illuminate with a ghostly yellow glow. Both animatronics are motion-activated, with waists, arms and heads that move when activated. Art recites five sounds, while The Little Pale Girl features light up eyes and recites a creepy soundtrack. The Art the Clown animatronic sells for $250 and The Little Pale Girl goes for $175.” 

They’re not yet available but both are coming soon, so bookmark this to get these terror-bots when they go on sale. So while we order ’em both and stick ‘em in or windows to goon out the neighbors (because they totally deserve it), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not upset the entire neighborhood…

HANDLING THE UNDEAD / Out now (Norway), June 7, 2024 (US, Select theaters)

“On a hot summer day in Oslo, the dead mysteriously awaken, and three families are thrown into chaos when their deceased loved ones come back to them. Who are they, and what do they want?”

Um, if they’re your deceased loved ones, wouldn’t you already know who they are? Dead family members coming back to their families already happened in the 2012 French series Les Revenants (aka, The Returned). They weren’t grave-ripened like these zombies, though.

KILL YOUR LOVER / June 7, 2024 (VOD)

“Dakota and Axel’s relationship is a toxic mess. She knows it, everybody does…except Axel. The only thing is, until Dakota tries to break up with Axel, she doesn’t know how truly toxic it will become. The mere idea of splitting up causes Axel to become intensely ill, sprouting grotesque black veins and excreting a strange sticky liquid. His touch burns flesh and his need to hang onto Dakota becomes irrationally powerful. The two grapple with what remains of their once passionate relationship — and how what was built on sexual passion and punk rock could end with blood spilled, lives lost and at least one heart broken, literally.”

The had me at punk rock and sexual passion. They lost me at relationship.

BEHAVE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“After the tragic loss of their high school friend, a band of eccentric young adults find themselves plunged into a nightmare at a lavish villa getaway, stalked by a malevolent figure concealed behind a chilling mask, turning their retreat into a harrowing fight for survival.”

I thought a chilling mask was one of those cold face ice-pack compresses you use to reduce face puff, dark circles and eccentric young adults.

MENJELANG AJAL / April 20, 2024 (Indonesia), Release pending (US)

“A family’s daughter is seemingly possessed — and their prayers worsen matters. What sin did they commit?”

The daughter is probably possessed by social media. And the sin the family committed was thinking prayer helps/solves anything. You’d have better results throwing your money down a wishing well. At least then you’d have a magic genie who will grant your wishes. P.S. The title translates as Approaching Death. That’s a LOT easier to pronounce.

Playing With Corpses, Mummified Mayhem, Murder Mouse

Rob Zombie’s first movie, House of 1000 Corpses, came out in April of 2003. In it, “two young couples traveling across the backwoods of Texas searching for urban legends of murder end up as prisoners of a bizarre and sadistic backwater family of serial killers.” That’s the good part. However, film critics — who clearly didn’t get Zombie’s deliciously lurid and violent dark comedy — rushed to take a steaming dump all over it, describing House of 1000 Corpses as being “too highbrow to be a good cheap horror movie, too lowbrow to be satire, and too boring to bear the value of the ticket.” Two decades later and these same critics are eating their words as House of 1000 Corpses has become a perennial cult fan favorite, spawning a ton of fun swag and merch, including the House of 1000 Corpses board game, arriving February 2023.

And we can thank Trick or Treat Studios™ for this. From the product description: “Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well, then boy do we have something for you! Trick or Treat Studios™ is thrilled to present the House of 1000 Corpses Game! Play the part of the Firefly family, working together to round up some pesky kids who are running around your house! To win, you’ll need to bring enough of them to Dr. Satan before the police show up!” Spoiler alert: Dr. Satan isn’t a real doctor.

The game costs $59.95 and can be preordered by clicking this. So while you do just that and fart in the face of film critics, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be a steaming dump…

THE CEREMONY IS ABOUT TO BEGIN / Out now (VOD)

“Madness, mayhem, and mummification rites ensue when a documentary filmmaker visits the rural commune of an Ancient Egyptian inspired cult to interview its enigmatic leader.”

Did you know that the English word “mummy” is derived from medieval Latin Mumia, a borrowing of the medieval Arabic word mūmiya, which meant an embalmed corpse, as well as the bituminous embalming substance? And bituminous means “often greasy, shiny, combustible organic sedimentary rock that consists of more than 75 per cent carbon by weight.” Both of these fun facts are probably better than the movie itself.

ROOTS OF EVIL / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A desperate son turns to a pagan cult to help save his mother’s life, while not realizing the menacing celestial forces beckoned by his own guilt.”

I wish I could beckon celestial forces. Then I’d be, like, double cool.

VINA: SEBELUM 7 HARI / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“The late Vina’s body, which was found on the Cirebon flyover, is thought to have been involved in a motorbike accident. Vina’s grandmother was suspicious because Vina’s body was unnaturally crushed but she did not have enough evidence to reject the coroner’s report. Vina possesses the body of her best friend Linda. However, she only has seven days after her gruesome death to reveal the painful truth about what happened.”

If Vina can reveal the painful truth about her death in one day, then she’ll have six days left to go motorbiking. P.S. The title translates to Vina: Before 7 Days.

SCREAMBOAT / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“A mischievous mouse stalks a group of New Yorkers on a late night ferry ride, unleashing murderous mayhem on a relaxing commute. Can the ship’s motley crew of travelers find a way to stop a killer creature who has developed a taste for tourists?”

Another entry that takes advantage of Mickey Mouse’s public domain status. It’s also a play on Steamboat Willie, a 1928 animated short film directed by Walt Disney. In that one Mickey Mouse is a mischievous deckhand under the command of the tyrannical Captain Pete. (Shaking clenched fist) I hate that tyrannical Captain Pete so much.

Mr. Macabre, Grave Garage, Vampire Elixer

Legendary suspense film director Alfred Hitchcock made 58 movies from 1922 to 1976. These are just the ones released — Hitchcock also made or worked on as an assistant director, screenplay writer, and art director for 21 “lost” films. Out of all of those, though, Hitchcock’s stab (heh) at horror — Psycho (1960) and The Birds (1963) — firmly framed him as a master of nerve-squeezing shocks ’n thrills. Film purists, though, will rightfully point in your face and tell you Hitchcock is more known for a string of quintessential murder mystery/suspense movies, with Rear Window (1954), Vertigo (1958), North by Northwest (1959) and Frenzy (1972) career high-water marks. Personally, I prefer his more stabby films.

In tribute, Mad Duck Posters™ just came out with a Hitchcock collage illustration representing his best films. The 18”x24” screen prints by artist Paul Mann are available in these formats: The standard color version is limited to 200 for $75. Silver and gold variants, limited to 55 each, cost $95. Before you click this to buy/purchase said poster(s), just know that in Psycho, a hotel owner/operator talks to his dead mom and stabs hotel guests, whereas most hotel owner/operators don’t. And in The Birds, an aviary army descends on a coastal town, pecking out easily peckable eyes and crapping on cars.

So while we look for an owner/operated hotel in a coastal city, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you feel like pecking out your own eyes…

BURNING BUTTERFLIES / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Burning Butterflies is a nihilistic psychological horror film that revolves around the theme of existential philosophical crisis. The plot explores the uncertainty and absurdity of life unfolding a very dark reality.”

Means nothing. Spank my monkey.

THE DEMON DISORDER / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“Graham, Jake and Phillip Reilly and their deceased father’s pasts collide when a family secret is discovered, leading their father’s garage to become the site of revenge from beyond the grave.”

The garage for revenge from beyond the grave. The guest bathroom would’ve been a better choice. 

THE SYNDROME / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“While their city is shocked by a series of strange suicides, Yegor prepares to move to another place to forget the past and start a new life. His plans change when he meets Karina, the girl is sure that all the victims did not commit suicide of their own free will. Together, the young people will try to stop the deaths behind the creepy Man in White.”

Man in White? After Labor Day, maybe…

THE WITCH OF WANDER LANE / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“In the 1930s prohibition era, a secret coven of witches controls the liquor trade underground in a network of ancient tunnels. Tyrannical head witch Amelia Wander has created a new addicting elixir to boost profits, and as a side effect, it is turning the surrounding villagers into wretched, vampiric monsters. Unbeknown to newcomer Zora, the granddaughter of the late head witch, she has been tasked to fulfill her legacy on the council and find a lost ingredient to the elixir. Can she discover the truth, and a way out, before it is too late?”

Where can I get a keg of this elixir? I’m having a house party this weekend.

Butt Skin, Redux Reptile, End of the World – Again

If you’re serious about Star Wars and serious about gaming, then you need Secret Labs’ Star Wars™ chair/chair skins, a perfect combination on which to plant your Jabba the Butt. The new skins come in Stormtrooper™, Boba Fett™, Jedi™, Ahsoka™ and Empire™ themes. And you should know that Secret Labs™ chairs, desks and tons of accessories are highly-rated and stain-resistant to spilled Mountain Dew™, slippery pizza and the dreaded Cheetos™ fingers. 

The Secret Lab™ Signature skins, which slide over your Secret Labs™ gaming chair like a banana being placed gently back in its peel, come in three sizes and seven color schemes, retailing for $169. But you’ll want the limited edition Jedi™ skin for $199. FYI — all Star Wars™ skins compatible with your TITAN Evo Series™ chair. These fanny support systems sell between $519 and $569, and when it becomes available, covered in “exotic” upholstery for $1,699. (By exotic, I’m thinking they’re referring to Tauntaun hide.) 

So while we all click this to get our game chair on, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put your dumper in the dumper…

COBRAGATOR / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“An insane genetic engineer living out in the bayou creates a genetic hybrid between a king cobra and an American alligator, giving rise to a murderous creature.”

This was completed but was never released, even though a trailer for it aired on the SyFy™ Channel, where it was supposed to be disposed. Gossip varies as to the date of its origin. MoveMonsterWiki.com says it was 2015. Movieweb.com says it’s 2016. IMDB.com says it’s 2018. I’m just gonna say who cares and when can I see it?

PORCELAIN / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“After learning that her estranged father has died, a young woman returns to her hometown to face a forgotten past and something sinister lurking within her childhood house.”

Judging from the doll on the movie poster, I’m gonna say the “something sinister” in the house is a hippie living in the crawl space.

F’D: TALES FROM THE END TIMES / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“A roster of stories from some of horror’s most visionary directors, all taking place on the day the world ends.”

The world ended last year. Apparently, they didn’t get the memo.

THE WELL / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“A budding art restorer travels to a small Italian village to bring a medieval painting back to its former glory. Little does she know she is placing her life in danger from an evil curse and a monster born of myth and brutal pain.”

So…Budweiser™?

30 Years of Revenge, Nightmare School, Dine ’n Dash Vampire

The Crow, a tale of supernatural revenge and f*ck ton of violent retribution, came out May 13, 1994. In it, rock musician Eric Draven, dressed in a hell bent for leather outfit he got at an Edward Scissorhands garage sale, hunts the criminals who non-consensually had sex with his fiancée and mortally wounds her (she later died), shot him, and threw him out a window located on the top floor of an abandoned building where I doubt Eric and his gal were paying rent.

He was brought back from the dead by a crow (or “dark seagull”) and goes on a spectacular blood-letting revenge spree. So it’s accurate to say The Crow is emo horror — or a Goth John Wick. And now you can get a chance to see this explosive horror carnage on the big screen as Cinemark™, Paramount Scares™ and Fangoria™ are bringing The Crow back to the big screen for two days on May 29 and 30, 2024, celebrating the movie’s 30th anniversary. You may now gasp audibly.

Cinemark™ previews the 30th anniversary event: “The modern-gothic original that entranced audiences and critics alike, The Crow tells the tale of a young musician brutally murdered alongside his beloved fiancée, only to be risen from the grave by a mysterious crow. Seeking revenge, he battles a criminal underground that must answer for its crimes. Adapted from the comic book saga of the same name, this action-packed thriller from director Alex Proyas features hypnotic style, dazzling visuals, and a soulful performance by the late Brandon Lee.”

So while we all click this to see if The Crow is showing on a screen within bus range of wherever you’re squatting, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a resurrected leather boy OR dark seagull…

RAVELAND / Out now (VOD)

“A group of teenagers on a supernatural island embark on a deathly quest to find the last heir, against ominous forces haunting to destroy them and everyone they’ve ever known or loved.”

I’m rooting for the ominous forces. 

HOUSE OF SCREAMING GLASS / May 21, 2024 (VOD)

Elizabeth Cadosia has lived a life of isolation under the shadow of her mentally fractured mother. On the day her mother dies, Elizabeth receives an unexpected inheritance: a timeworn schoolhouse from her grandmother, whom she has never met. Within the schoolhouse, Elizabeth finds herself entwined in a tapestry of unsettling visions and harrowing nightmares. As the veil between past and present thins, Elizabeth embarks on a haunting journey through her lineage, unraveling the enigma of her grandmother’s identity as a witch. In her descent into darkness, Elizabeth’s very essence melds with the schoolhouse, a sanctuary now transmuted into a realm of unspeakable horrors. The ethereal boundaries between human and spectral blur, and Elizabeth’s fate becomes inextricably intertwined with the malevolent energies that devoured her. She becomes an enduring specter, eternally bound to the schoolhouse’s accursed legacy, a manifestation of the very black magic that consumed her.”

Despite them giving away the entire movie in the plot description, don’t confuse it with the similarly-named taco/burrito/lemonade stand I’m opening this summer: House of Screaming Gas.

THE NOTORIOUS FINSTER / May 28, 2024 (VOD)

“A journalist writes about a Finster, a notorious serial killer, and leaves the city for a more peaceful life. She soon learns violence has no boundaries.”

So Finster, who I hear is notorious, clearly followed the journalist to help settle her into a peaceful life. He seems nice.

INSANE LIKE ME / June 4, 2024 (VOD)

“A combat veteran returns home after a tour of duty overseas. He becomes the lead suspect in his girlfriend’s disappearance and is subsequently wrongly convicted and incarcerated. Nine years later he is released from the mental asylum, he returns home to find the truth and settle the score.”

As his girlfriend is a vampire (it’s right on the movie poster, people), he likely took her out to a stake dinner. If so, she dined and dashed. The combat vet, then, has every right to settle the score…plus tip. 

Bat Cars, Dumb Aliens, Horror Mouse vs. Horror Bear

In Justice League (2017/2021), billionaire Bruce Wayne (aka, Batman — DO NOT tell anyone, especially criminals) was seen picking up Barry Allen (aka, The Flash — GO AHEAD and tell everyone, especially criminals) in a Mercedes-Benz AMG Vision Gran Turismo™. They come in silver and other colors that wouldn’t strike fear in the hearts of the criminally-intent. The cost? $1.5 million bat-dollars. And that doesn’t cover the tabs. Bus change for a billionaire.

Now, thanks to the Automobili Pininfarina™ Collection, you can get one or all four newly-designed Bruce Wayne luxury vehicles for $3,644,541.00 up to $5,252,427.00. Models include: Battista Dark Knight™, Battista Gotham™, B95 Dark Knight™ and B95 Gotham™. Click this to purchase with money you can only dream about. (When I finally get F*ck You wealth, I’m buy two of each.)

From the BruceWayneX.com website: “Indulge in the purest essence of mobile artistry as we share an exquisite collection of sustainable land, air and sea vessels. Limited editions designed with the refinement of Mr. Wayne and his vision for the future of mobility on our planet.” And here’s the description of the B95 Dark Knight™ convertible: “With its ceramic-polished rims that gleam like stars against the pitch-black bodywork, and black and gold duo-tone stitching on the leather interior, the B95 Dark Knight™ is a beacon of breathtaking performance and unparalleled creativity.” They had me at “rims that gleam.”

So while we all visit BruceWayneX.com and window shop, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need a jump-start…

LUMINA / July 12, 2024 (Select theaters)

“Four friends desperately searching for their abductee friend in a DUMB (Deep Underground Military Base). After being hunted by alien menaces, tracked by the government, and chased by lights in the sky, they quickly realize that they have gotten themselves in too deep.”

They got the DUMB part right. Everything else, though, seems DULL (Disinterested Until Lots of Liquor).

GRAVEYARD SHARK / July 19, 2024 (DVD, Blu-ray, VHS)

“A humanoid creature stalks its prey in the town graveyard, striking unexpectedly and leaving a trail of blood in its wake. Abby Wescott, a renowned cryptid hunter, is called in by Dr. Jan Lovnik to uncover the truth behind the urban legend. As Abby begins her investigation, she learns about the creature’s dark origins from Captain Issac Seyburn, who was present on the night the legend began. Together, Abby and Seyburn team up with a group of Graveyard Shark survivors to put an end to the creature once and for all. But as they journey deeper into the graveyard, they realize that the Graveyard Shark may be more intelligent and cunning than they could have imagined. As the body count rises and the stakes become higher, Abby and her team must confront their deepest fears and fight to survive against the deadly Graveyard Shark.”

More intelligent and cunning than they could have imagined. I’ll say — by making people dead in a cemetery, Graveyard Shark simply eliminates the middle man. We could all learn something or two from GS’s business model.

PANDEMIC SEX PARTY / Release pending 2024/205 (VOD)

“In the not-so-distant future, AI has taken over the majority of the job market, and the primary source of income for young people is that of a social media influencer or online model. Being on the verge of another pandemic, Sasha, a young video game streamer, heads off into the desert for the weekend to make ‘content’ with her online model friends: Tanya, Cash, Dream and her younger sister, Cherry. Once arriving at the rental house dubbed, The Funny Ranch, the group slowly begins to realize things aren’t exactly as they seem. They are soon met by The Rancher, a masked killer who has a vendetta against the newly-changing world, online influencers and online models alike.”

We’re still trying to forget the word “pandemic”, so they should remove that from the title and just call the movie Sex Party. That would guarantee a slightly bigger audience.

MVW: MICKEY VS. WINNIE / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“In the 1920s, two convicts escape into a cursed forest only to be dragged and consumed into the depths of the dark forest’s muddy heart. A century later, a group of thrill-seeking friends unknowingly venture into the same woods. Their Airbnb™ getaway takes a horrifying turn when the convicts mutate into twisted versions of childhood icons Mickey Mouse and Winnie-The-Pooh, and emerge to terrorize them. A night of violence and gore erupts, as the group of friends battle against their now monstrous beloved childhood characters and fight to break free from the forest’s grip.”

Welcome to unflushed toilet of Public Domain.

Coffee Table Shark, Bassinet of Evil, Family Autopsy

If you’re a hardcore fan of Jaws (the movie, not a career dentistry) and have an extra $3,080 in foldable fun coupons and/or balance left on your credit card, then you’re gonna want the Jaws Attacks 3D diorama from Sideshow™. If you don’t know about Jaws (are you even from this planet?), the movie came out in 1975 and goes something like this: “When a killer shark unleashes chaos on a beach community off Cape Cod, it’s up to a local sheriff, a marine biologist and an old seafarer to hunt the beast down.” Jaws has inspired over 170 shark movies of varying iterations (ghost, sand, mecha, disco) and still remains the most revered shark movie of all time, although an argument could be made for Six-Headed Shark Attack (2018). Ahem.

From Sideshow’s™/Iron Studios’™ product description: “More than a collectible statue, this Jaws Attack Demi Art Scale 1:20 collectible is a true work of art meticulously replicated in the smallest details of its sculpture, with extreme realism in the textures, colors, and scales of size reproduced in this piece, seeking excellence in its representation. The diorama weighs 52.9 lbs and measures 41” x 31” x 14.6”.” You’re gonna need a bigger coffee table.

FYI: There is a wait-list for this highly-collectible collectible (not at all redundant), but you can click this to digitally stand in line. So while we all not do that, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have anything to do with six-headed sharks OR dentistry…

POSSESSIONS / Out now (VOD)

“A father seeks a fresh start with his son after the loss of his wife. He purchases a storage unit facility sight unseen, but secrets buried behind the metal doors become a parent’s worst nightmare.”

Does the father discover his son was responsible for mom’s demise, or does he find cool stuff he can sell on eBay™? Hoping it’s both. 

CANCELED / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A charismatic TV host Alex Bergwall, the face of the wildly successful ghost-hunting show Gone Ghosting, finds himself at the center of a scandal when he’s exposed for faking paranormal discoveries. Desperate for a shot at redemption, Alex and his team take on the ultimate challenge: a live-streamed, week-long investigation at the long-abandoned and notoriously haunted Raven Castle. The team must uncover the truth of Raven Castle, which will lead them on a ghost hunt where there’s no need for tricks or deception — for the first time in their lives, the ghost hunters are truly terrified and must confront their fears to survive the bloody horrors of Raven Castle.”

Where can you get a wi-fi signal at a castle? The only live stream at a castle would be the moat.

WINTER ISLAND / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“When a young girl is found dead on a small, wooded island, her teenage brother’s post-mortem visions point to an evil presence within their own family.”

Post-mortem is a more sensitive word for autopsy or “autopsia cadaverum” (surgical procedure that consists of a thorough examination of a corpse by way of dissection). Visions of his sister’s dissection (ick) versus evil presence (less ick). Siding with evil on this one.

WELCOME WEEK: A COLLEGE HORROR ANTHOLOGY /Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“All four of Andrew’s older siblings died in their first week of college. It’s his seventh night on campus and a killer is stalking him and his roommate. Can they survive the night?”

This college horror flick has the distinction of actually being made by college students. I’m thinking community college students.

Shopping Maul, Presidential UFOs, Space-Trippin’

As one of those “unplug your brain” horror cash-ins, 1986’s Chopping Mall is an admitted guilty pleasure. In this movie, “a group of young shopping mall employees stay behind for a late night party in one of the stores. When the mall goes on lock-down before they can get out, the robot security system malfunctions, and goes on a killing spree.” What’s not to like? And now we can read the gory details with the November 2024 novelization of Chopping Mall. Warning: You’ll need to know how to read for this to work.

From the book’s press release: “The 138-page adaptation is written by Brian G. Berry (The Barn: The Novelization) and based on the screenplay for the 1986 cult classic by Jim Wynorski and Steve Mitchell. High tech robots equipped with state-of-the-art security devices have been recruited as the new mechanical ‘night watchmen’ for Park Plaza Mall. When a jolting bolt of lightning short circuits the main computer control, the robots turn into ‘killbots’ on the loose after unsuspecting shoppers! Four couples are trying to make it after hours in a mattress store. They make it alright — in the morgue!”

Chopping Mall: The Novelization, arrives November 19, 2024, published in paperback, mass market paperback and e-book. That was almost to the day 38 years ago Chopping Mall premiered on November 14, 1986. The clock on my digital waffle iron confirms this. Click this to preorder the book.

So while those of who can’t read, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature teen-extinguishing killbots…OR waffles…

ALIENS UNCOVERED: MARILYN MONROE EXPOSED / May 7, 2024 (DVD, VOD)

“As tensions continue to spike between the United States and the Soviet Union, UFO sightings and the actions involved begin to take a turn. With abductions and other variations of close encounters, did the President attempt to disclose that information in an unorthodox way, trying to warn humanity of what was to come?”

The President disclosing info in an unorthodox is in references to John F. Kennedy, who, back in his living days (until 1963), allegedly had an affair with icon supermodel/actress Marilyn Monroe and pillow talked about all the aliens coming to Earth to vote Democrat. Republican conspiracy theorists with no life insist the cause of Monroe’s non-living was the FBI silencing her to keep pillow talk about visiting aliens a secret. Or maybe aliens did it. Both theories are plausible.

SHE IS CONANN / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“A barbaric fantasy sci-fi trip through time where sword-and-sorcery mythology is bent, fractured, and gender-swapped. Six lives, six eras, and six deaths mark Conann’s poetic journey through different incarnations and lesbian loves. Guiding Conann through her many epic lives is Rainer, a Cerberus of many otherworldly dimensions whose paparazzi camera sees all. A moving portrait of a warrior trying to find her place while outside of space, time, and meaning.”

If I was a warrior trying to find my place outside of space, time and meaning, I’d go to the Tug Tavern, order a chilled carafe of Budweiser™, eat one of their freshness-expired $1.99 mind-altering pickled eggs, strap in…and go for the ride. 

TRAP / August 9, 2024 (Theaters)

“A father and teen daughter attend a pop concert, where they realize they’re at the center of a dark and sinister event.”

Dear god no — it’s Mumford & Sons concert!

ALIEN AI: ABDUCTED / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A pair of siblings travel to a cabin once owned by their now-missing mother in the hopes of solving her strange disappearance.”

According to the movie’s title, mom was abducted by aliens. Problem solved.