Mutant Bunnies and Killer Cargo

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cotton Hell

Need more schlock in your diet? I know I do, for some reason. This is why I’m moderately enthused over two new schlock horror coming down the super fun happy slide. First up is the deliciously titled Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cotton Hell, hopefully due just in time for that confusing and weird holiday known as Easter.

The plot – as if one is even needed: “Deep in the woods stalks a giant killer mutant Easter Bunny. Unsatisfied with nibbling on grass, he craves, chews lives on human flesh. Rock climbers, hitchhikers, and nudists alike all end up in his jaws as he devours everyone in his way. One by one the townsfolk are consumed by the evil hare, but he still remains a mystery to most of the habitants.”

Brilliance, thy name is Peter Cotton Hell.

Monster Truck

Next up is Monster Truck (aka, Dark Haul) a SyFy™ Channel “original,” premiering October 4, 2014. Wanna own it on DVD/Blu-ray? Available first quarter of 2015, released by Shout! Factory™.

What’s generically being said about this one: “The meaning of cryptic prophesy splits apart a team of secretive guardians as they transport by 18-wheeler truck, a deadly creature and its half-human sister from their now ineffective holding place to a more secure location.”

Monster Truck

My curiosity is sufficiently piqued, but I’m leaning more towards a flesh-eating Easter Bunny. The plot seems to have more to chew on. Heh.

Get Probed

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Extraterrestrial

With a title that puts it on the exam table, Extraterrestrial, a movie about alien encounters/abductions/colonoscopies, is due for release on October 17, 2014/VOD and theatres in November.

I watched the trailer. The movie’s Twitter hashtag – #GetProbed – is pretty much right on the mark…for two reasons.

Here’s how the characters’ personal space gets compromised: “April, is still reeling from her parents’ divorce when she’s dragged back to the vacation cabin she spent fond summers at as a child accompanied by a group of friends. Her trip down memory lane takes a dramatic and terrifying turn when a fireball descends from the sky and explodes in the nearby woods.”

“The group ventures out toward the crash site and discovers the remnants of a ship from another planet along with footprints that suggest its alien occupants are still alive. The college friends soon find themselves caught in the middle of something bigger and more terrifying than anything they could ever imagine.”

Extraterrestrial

I can imagine something bigger and more terrifying. Ever been “examined” by Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund?

Extraterrestrial

REGARDLESS, I will seek this one out at my nearest TV. In the meantime, try your best not to confuse Extraterrestrial with the other Extraterrestrial, a 2011 film by Nacho Vigalondo. (I don’t know who was responsible for it, but Nacho is one seriously cool name.)

Dr.

In that movie, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund, descended from a race of giant hand people, arrives late for his Earth appointment, dispenses with the pleasantries AND lube, and proceeds to wreak excruciating havoc BELOW THE SURFACE. Then he sends you the bill. (Just kidding Nacho, I’m sure your movie is a lot less, um, “invasive.”)

Vampire vs. RoboCop

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Counter Destroyer

Also known as The Vampire Lives (1989), Counter Destroyer (ugh – sounds like something I’d come up with while under the leadership of cold hard booze) is about Joyce, a young gal needing peace and quite to finish a movie script. So she and her micro-bikini wearing, she-male voiced secretary move into a secluded, yet haunted Japanese home.

Counter Destroyer

A Taoist priest warned them not to move in as the place was already occupied by an evil vampire who jumps around, wearing Freddy Krueger knife gloves. (You don’t want to second guess Taoist priests – they know things. Spooky things.)

Counter Destroyer

After drinking a possessed soft drink, Joyce unleashes Hell. And by Hell, I mean for anyone watching this stunning piece of vampire droppings, as the plot suddenly shifts to the movie company’s secretary assassinating a rival film studio trying to make the same movie.

Counter Destroyer

When a blow-dried American boy shows up to check on Joyce and finds her arm is possessed by a vampire, he rotates counter-clockwise a few times and turns into a ninja warrior with a rifle. Think Robocop (1987) with a mullet. If you’re anything like me, you’ll get lost right after the opening credits roll.

In closing, Counter Destroyer/The Vampire Lives is insanity bad. And that’s me being nice for a change.

Man of the Moth

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mothman Prophecies

The Mothman Prophecies (2002) is about a supernatural entity that plagued a small West Virginia town back in the ’70s and is based on TRUE EVENTS. I believe all of this and more. Why? Because I’M DRUNK, man.

The Mothman Prophecies

A Washington, D.C. investigative journalist mysteriously ends up in Point Pleasant, VA where the residents have been reporting strange events and sightings of an eight-foot tall winged moth creature with glowing red eyes. One local guy in particular has been singled out by the Mothman and keeps calling him on the phone.

The Mothman Prophecies

Richard Gere (the journalist), now drawn into the mystery, starts putting the glue to the clues. Seems Mothman is trying to tell him something as well – and that something is something terrible is gonna happen to Point Pleasant. (OK, bumpy sentence – see last sentence of the first paragraph.)

The Mothman Prophecies

Where this starts to goon out your mind is when Mothman (referring to itself as Indrid Cold) is on the phone with Gere. The quick-thinking reporter records the conversation and sends the tape to a sound specialist who tells him that’s not a human voice, but more like an electro-magnetic pulse. If Mothman called me on the phone I would totally fill my pants with solid electro-magnetic pulses.

The Mothman Prophecies

Speaking of, lots of cool eerie crap happens, which builds to a horrific climax that actually happened in real life. That event (Silver Bridge – built in 1928, unbuilt in 1967) is amazingly recreated and will make you think twice about visiting Point Pleasant or talking on the phone with Mothman.

Bigfoot? What a Load of Hogwash!

Posted in Bigfoot, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Bigfoot

The Legend of Bigfoot (1976) is less a Bigfoot faux documentary and more of a nature film as animatedly narrated by renowned animal tracker Ivan Marx, who was hired to track down my BFF (Big Footed Friend) and kill him within an inch of his life.

There are so many unintentionally hilarious comments made by Ivan, who tracks the migratory (!)  Bigfoot from Montana all the way to the Arctic Circle, this could qualify as a comedy. When Ivan finally catches up to Bigfoot, the “monster” is shown run limping, due to polio, as he surmises. Flippin’ knee slapping, that one. And his ongoing commentary is full of bellyaching about money and how before he sees the monster with his own eyeballs, regards Bigfoot as a “bunch of hogwash.” How dare he?

The Legend of Bigfoot

But the pay-off is when Ivan deduces Bigfoot and friends (Bigfeet Dynasty) migrate north every year to the Arctic Circle, and now knowing this, can stay one big footed step ahead and theoretically catch one.

Simple math will tell you Ivan has been smoking too many pine cones; for a Bigfoot – whether with travel companions or not – to walk to the top of the world, where I’m sure there are plentiful chilled penguins to eat – because, god forbid, one gets tired of eating healthy and delicious eating range-free nuts and berries, deer bacon and bear blubber in the warm sunshine of Montana – there’s 1,381 miles of blurry photo ops in-between.

The Legend of Bigfoot

Here’s the equation: walking normally at 1.4 m.p.h. non-stop for eight hours a day, it’d take you the better part if a year just to get there, slightly less if you wear a size 23 shoe. Once at the A.C., snack on a few penguins, get in a little skiing, talk smack to some uppity polar bears, wipe your ice hole, then take almost another year to get back to town. Annual trek? Not so much.

The Legend of Bigfoot

So yeah, Ivan – you need to tweak your theory. Other than that, The Legend of Bigfoot, with the intrepid hunter zooming around in a red Volkswagon (not making that up), is merely a nature film with bone-headed narration and some blurry footage of Bigfoot, who only shows up three times. Maybe he was at home planning his next winter vacation.

The Legend of Bigfoot

P.S. Do not embarass yourself by confusing The Legend of Bigfoot with Sasquatch, the Legend of Bigfoot (1975), which came out the year before. To do so would make people not unlike myself publicly shun you.

Space Virus and Yogurt

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Virus

The Mir space station intercepts an alien hitchhiker in the guise of electric energy, and thinking it’s a lunar text message, mistakenly transmits said life-form to a satellite-tracking ship on this toilet earth. There it wipes out the Ruskies and their brewskis. Harshness abounds.

Virus

Meanwhile, a tugboat is tugging a precious cargo (beer, I theorize) across the ocean through a pissed off typhoon. Seeking shelter in the eye of the surly storm, the tug happens across the Russian boat. With salvage in mind to recoup their uninsured losses, the crew (with Jamie Lee Curtis as navigator) board the blood vessel and discover plentiful seagoing wrongness. I had no idea Jamie Lee Curtis knew how to navigate the ocean in addition to being a yogurt spokesperson. What a talent!

Virus

The alien is harvesting humans for usable parts (thirst buds) and creating a new half-machine/half-human species, not unlike a certain Borg. Just a typically standard “thing-onboard-trying-to-get-humans” plot. The effects, however, are outstandingly cool, exemplified with Donald Sutherland as the captain discovering the human rebuilding process (a sort of Radio Shack™ meets Black Angus™) while attempting to make a deal with the head mecha-monster that regards Earthers as germs with pants (hence, Virus/1998 the movie’s clever title).

Virus

Creative use of gore and limbs and Duracell™ batteries, but due to glaring lack of nudity, a so-so sci-fi flick with a yogurt covered ending at best.

Admission Based Haunted Houses

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Houses October Built

Clunkily-titled, The Houses October Built (limited theater release October 10, 2014) has a plot that, on the surface, seems straight out of Horror Movie Making 101: “Looking to find an authentic, blood-curdling good fright for Halloween, five friends set off on a road trip in an RV to track down these underground Haunts. Just when their search seems to reach a dead end, strange and disturbing things start happening and it becomes clear that the Haunt has come to them…” 

It’s ALWAYS five friends – two couples – one pair that can’t keep their clothes on around each other – and a loser dork douche everybody picks on.

Anyway, the Houses press release goes on to make a bold claim: “We found out that over 35 million people go to Halloween Haunts each year,” says writer/director Bobby Roe. “But out of all the horror films out there, no one has touched on these places. It’s untapped. So we decided to tell a story centered around the holiday and set it in the world of Halloween Haunted Houses.”

Not so fast there, Bob – without even using my few as yet undamaged-by-alcohol brain cells, I recall two horror movies (and there are more) that utilize carnival haunted horror houses as a plot device.

The Funhouse

First up is The Funhouse (1981), in which a group of teenage friends spend the night (without permission) in a local carnival funhouse. They are are stalked – pursued, if you will – by a man in a Frankenstein’s monster mask. The kicker – take the mask off and he’s a real monster. Them’s some good times right there.

The Funhouse

Second one that pops into my head like a freshly opened can of the good stuff is Mr. Halloween (2007). A recluse local sour face puts on an annual Halloween haunted house attraction, enthusiastically attended by teens who promptly disappear after purchasing a ticket to said novelty exhibit. The kicker – those fake body parts used in the haunted house aren’t fake. Eeewwwww!

Mr. Halloween

Even though The Houses That October Built – with a title that doesn’t roll off your tongue and a plot that does – appears cliched, has a nifty one-sheet advertising poster. And if I’m a sucker for anything, it’s a good horror movie poster. So yeah, I’ll go see it. I’m cliched that way.

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