S&M Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Whip and the Body

Kurt Menliff, a sadistic 19th Century aristocrat, returns home to his dying father’s seaside castle that boasts no central heating. Nobody likes this douche because he’s mean, cruel and anti-social. (I, however, like him for those very same reasons.)

The Whip and the Body

Kurt soon encounters the very smolderingly hot Dahlia and tries to go for the power smooch, but that ain’t turning her crank. So then he horsewhips her (which does turn her crank) and then has sex with her while the camera points at a horse.

The Whip and the Body

Later that night Kurt is perforated with a fireplace poker. Now what will they the fire with? They entomb his poker’d body in the family mausoleum downstairs. All is well for a minute – until Dahlia wakes to discover Kurt has come back for her. Kurt: “I have come back for you.” She says she hates him, he whips her and now she’s in utter ecstasy. But how can Kurt return from the grave? Who cares as this guy is tapping into Dahlia’s inner freak.

The Whip and the Body

The Whip and the Body (1963) was praised for its rich colors (the blood looks double bloody) and the subject matter groundbreakingly shocking for its day. But 50 plus years later horsewhipping is so common as to be featured daily on the Nickelodeon Channel, so its impact has been diluted to the point of “Yeah, so what else you got?”

Pregnant Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wild Country

Tough being 16 and pregnant and forced to give up your kid to someone who could provide a better life (i.e., Xbox™) for your kid. Even tougher to find an abandoned baby in the ruins of a castle in the middle of the Scottish Highlands rented out by a werewolf.

Wild Country

Fortunately, for the baby anyway, there’s someone within the group of teens out hiking who is carrying around a packaged meal under her blouse. Not so fortunate for the rest of the group (three guys, one girl), who become unhappy meals for the werewolf.

Wild Country

While managing to kill the burly beast (it looks like a cross between a fake bear and Alf), they think they’re in the clear. But that’s the problem with today’s teens – they just can’t wrap their heads around basic math, meaning that where there’s one werewolf, there’s probably two.

Wild Country

Running across the moors with a lycanthrope on your heels while carrying a crying alarm horn is the last chance for all involved. The girl makes her way to a farm house where the werewolf tracks her down. It was all pretty good up until this point: acceptable levels of gore versus screaming, blood versus attacking. But the last two final scenes were so comical as to water down all of the above. As if you couldn’t figure out who the baby belonged to.

Wild Country

But if there’s one thing to take away from this heavily-accented Wild Country (2005) – so much so as to need sub-titles – it’s that you probably shouldn’t breastfeed the animals. I know I won’t from this point moving forward.

People Pot Pies

Posted in Asian Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

We’re Going To Eat You

A small, turn-of-the-Century Japanese village is populated by cannibals. They trap wayward travelers, tie them to tables, then cut them in half with saws made for logging. The bloody-yet-delicious pieces are then divided up between the two clans that comprise the non-vegetarian town.

We’re Going To Eat You

The Chief of Security, though, always hogs most of the savory chunks for him and his staff, as well as his hot skank who has a taste for human hearts. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Anyone caught trying to leave the village to notify the police becomes soup du jour. And the meat-hungry villagers clamor for more.

We’re Going To Eat You

Hearing tales about this “human buffet,” Agent 999 travels there to add his own recipe to their menu: a knuckle sandwich. This is good because 999’s a kung-fu master and applies his lightning-quick pie hole kicks to quite a few pie holes.

We’re Going To Eat You

That’s pretty much it – a human chop shop with LOTS of grisly gore and LOTS of slick martial arts. This may sound like an oxymoron, but We’re Going To Eat You (1980) is also fun. But with cannibals AND kung-fu, you already knew that.

Big Ass Lava Spiders

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lavalantula

Lavalantula (2014), a new sci-fi SyFy™Channel offering about giant tarantulas erupting from of volcanoes, could very well land in the Seven Wonders of the World™ ranking, right up there with Beer, Boobies, Waffles and Godzilla. (I forget the other two, but you can totally bet they are true wonders.)

Big Ass Spider!

Directed by Mike Mendez, the guy who did Big Ass Spider (2013), Lavalantula, looking to do a Sharknado (2013) cash in, has a tried ‘n true plot: “Lavalantulas attack Los Angeles.” F-ing brilliant!

The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill

While we’re waiting, check out another buzz word titled horror movie, The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill (2014). While I thought we all agreed to quit using “paranormal” in their titles, PDC begins in 1963 (pre-hippie period) with a black mass (church service with a really big collection plate) in Clophill, Bedfordshire by a coven of dark witches. Animal sacrifices, blood, necromancy, waffle mutilation… Scary stuff, for sure.

A documentary film team (indicating this is another one of those wretched found footage flicks) is assembled to investigate the legend of the Clophill witches and to try and uncover the truth behind the paranormal events. “What followed during that long weekend at Clophill was a terrifying journey into the unknown.”

The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill

Problem with movies like this is the “journey into the unknown” is already known as it’s been done over and over every since that highly insulting Blair Witch Project, which started the annoying “found footage” sub-genre back in 1999. Then again, horror movies aren’t usually known for originality.

Me? I’m sticking with lava spiders, beer and boobies. And waffles when no boobies are available.

A Mountain of Witches

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witches Mountain

A professional photographer with ’70s disco hair on assignment to take pics of a reputed haunted hill, picks up a chick and convinces her to go with him. (I’ll have to remember the closing points of that pitch.)

The Witches Mountain

Staying the night at a castle on the mountain’s foothills (separate rooms – for now), camera dude explores the hillside and encounters a coven of witches that twirl, dance around and sing a classical song with full orchestration. That must be where their powers kicked in as I didn’t see any clarinets or bassoons. Heard ’em, though.

The Witches Mountain

He decides its time to get the hell off the hill because dancing witch chicks in sheets goons him out. But fog rolls in and traps the couple on a roadside where Mr. Picture has just set up a tent and is getting ready to pitch a tent, if you catch my clever meaning. That’s when the witch coven captures them. Too bad – if they had just waited another 10 minutes The Witches Mountain (1972) would’ve gotten a whole lot better.

The Witches Mountain That’s all there is. No flying around on brooms (although the photog’s overtly bushy mustache could count as one), no magical powers, no nudity. I used to think witches were cool. Not so much anymore.

Photocopied Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror Copy

It’s hardly a revelation the horror genre notoriously feeds on itself with scores of movie studios lining up at the office copy machine pumping out a generic plots merely needing a change of title. One only needs to look as far as the SyFy™ Channel or weekly examples of this profit-minded plagiarism.

And mimicking movie ad materials is also a common practice. It’s almost as if the industry holds weekly keggars to compare notes to make sure everyone is ripping off each other correctly.

Is this a deal breaker for horror movie fans? Nah. But it is smug fun to rub their faces in piles of steaming hypocrisy. That said,  several examples of advertising “monkey see, monkey doo doo.” (Feel free to suggest more)…

Horror Copy

Devil’s Due (2014) / Devil’s Sky (2014)

Horror Copy

The Possession (2012) / Dark Skies (2013)

Horror Copy

The Last Exorcism 2 (2013) / The Bell Witch Haunting (2013) – with poster turned upside down to illustrate grave robbing.

Horror Copy

Dead Silence (2007) / Annabelle (2014)

Mutant Bunnies and Killer Cargo

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cotton Hell

Need more schlock in your diet? I know I do, for some reason. This is why I’m moderately enthused over two new schlock horror coming down the super fun happy slide. First up is the deliciously titled Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cotton Hell, hopefully due just in time for that confusing and weird holiday known as Easter.

The plot – as if one is even needed: “Deep in the woods stalks a giant killer mutant Easter Bunny. Unsatisfied with nibbling on grass, he craves, chews lives on human flesh. Rock climbers, hitchhikers, and nudists alike all end up in his jaws as he devours everyone in his way. One by one the townsfolk are consumed by the evil hare, but he still remains a mystery to most of the habitants.”

Brilliance, thy name is Peter Cotton Hell.

Monster Truck

Next up is Monster Truck (aka, Dark Haul) a SyFy™ Channel “original,” premiering October 4, 2014. Wanna own it on DVD/Blu-ray? Available first quarter of 2015, released by Shout! Factory™.

What’s generically being said about this one: “The meaning of cryptic prophesy splits apart a team of secretive guardians as they transport by 18-wheeler truck, a deadly creature and its half-human sister from their now ineffective holding place to a more secure location.”

Monster Truck

My curiosity is sufficiently piqued, but I’m leaning more towards a flesh-eating Easter Bunny. The plot seems to have more to chew on. Heh.

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