Hell Bent For Hell

The world is going to Hell in a hand basket. People crossing the street without waiting for the “walk” signal… Cats texting dogs… Movie stars not making enough money… And peanut butter and jelly not getting along anymore.

In response, the Catholic Church, freaked out about all of this and the growing cases of demonic possession across the land, forms a secret organization to counteract EVIL, even though no one asked them to. (Just like the Catholic church to overreact – it could be just instances of hellish indigestion.)

The Cloth, an upcoming “action-horror story,” uses this for its pew-making plot. And it gets better – the story “follows a young godless man who is being recruited into the cloth.”

The fabric in question is designer clothes made Holy by someone ordained by the church who sprinkles God water on ’em (Dry-cleaning would be preferable.). Talk about a fashion faux paus; if you’re faithless, this cloth will clash with everything in your wardrobe.

As for the young godless man the church is trying to brainwash (only one?), he sounds like an upstanding citizen. My guess is that he’s actually the very demon the church is hoping to wipe clean, like some sort of blessed Scrubbing Bubbles™. I know what you’re thinking – wouldn’t a demon start sneezing and get runny eyes ’n stuff if he walked into a church? Yep. But it’s not like a demon sees the cross and needs to quickly find a restroom to park a righteous steamer. And while we’re on the subject, priest droppings smell simply unholy.

The Cloth is the next in a continuous line of demonic possession movies currently praying for big box office returns: The Last Exorcism/2010 (meh), Devil/2010 (Not bad. Maybe not bad enough); Insidious/2011 (Crap special effects and horror cliches aplenty); 11-11-11/2011 (Quite possibly the worst excuse for anti-religion since the last Slayer album); The Devil Inside/2012 (Evil lite). And because the world is going to Hell in a hand basket, expect more – or at the very least, sequels.

I need to find a sanctioned bathroom and pray to the porcelain god for relief from these types of movies. And this hellish indigestion I’ve been having.

Planet of the Art-y Apes

The question isn’t whether or not illustrations of talking gorillas belong in the home, it’s how many people you have to step over to get ’em.

The entire original Planet of the Apes franchise (1968 – 1973) has been given the ink treatment by some human artists who’ve artistically interpreted the species-superior apes. Even Dr. Zaius would be impressed.

Available randomly through Mondotees.com, the 24”x36” limited edition prints are being sold as a series for $230 banana skins (ape speak for cash money). That they’re up for grabs as a set is good as it would be a crime against the future to break up the collection.

So who are these humans that’ve honored their ape masters? First up is an illustration by Martin Ansin who represented the first Planet movie. The art is rendered in hues of yellow and orange, the color of many species of fruit. Fruit is what apes eat. Talk about synergy!

Next up are depictions of Beneath the Planet of the Apes by Ken Taylor and Escape From Planet of the Apes by Rich Kelly. Ken’s art encompasses all the elements that made Beneath a mind-blowing sequel, from the bleeding statue of the Lawgiver to the radiation-scarred mutant’s underground church cathedral and the nuclear bomb they all worship. (There’s never a problem with the collection plate when your God can blow up at any moment.)

Rich wisely chose to illustrate the iconic opening scene of Escape when the ape-o-nauts removed their space helmets and revealed themselves to the Earth’s past. I would’ve freaked if Rich painted the scene where Dr. Otto Hasslein, the President’s Science Advisor, gooned out that humans will one day be house pets to monkeys, shoots Zira and the marines shoot Cornelius, her legally wedded husband. I can handle a lot, but this would be too painful for even a speaking human like me to take.

Phantom City Creative portrayed Conquest of the Planet of the Apes and its star Caesar, the now grown surviving offspring of the slain (excuse me, I need a moment), Zira and Cornelius Simian. How noble and wise he looks.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes was envisioned by Florian Bertmer and acts as a crime scene photo (even though it’s illustrated). I say this because the primary law among the simian culture is that “Ape shall not kill Ape.” It’s OK to kill man, though. In fact, it’s encouraged in the context of Ape City. But to kill one of your own? An unforgiveable affront to your race – and very human of you.

The final poster is a rendition of the famous 20th Century Fox promotion that was a nice tongue-in-cheek spin on J.M. Flagg’s “Uncle Sam Wants You” recruitment propaganda back in 1917. (Flagg’s version was a spin on the 1914 poster by British Lord Kitchener, who had a cool handlebar moustache.) This version has the ridiculously cool Alamo Drafthouse movie theater as the call to arms, using General Ursus in place of an unnamed gorilla foot soldier depicted in the original advertising.

When I was but a budding human, the Admiral Twin Theatre (they had really good popcorn) had an advertising poster that said, “Go Ape For A Day,” showing all five Planet of the Ape movies back-to-back. I plopped down in the sixth row for almost nine hours of Ape-y action, consumed three pounds of red vines, six packs of M&Ms™, one gallon of Coke™ and two large popcorns hosed down with real butter. (The “butter” they put on movie popcorn today is anything but.)

So if you’re an Apes fan, this set is the must-have fashion statement of the year. Unless you’re an ape yourself. Then it would be burlap.

Fangs of War: Vampire Military

After watching zombies serve their country in horror war movies for the last several decades (click HERE to read my super duper comprehensive research), it’s about time vampires were drafted into military service. I don’t care if you eat or suck on your countrymen – every monster should represent their flag.

In Fangs of War (2012), creatures of the night finally get their marching orders. It’s 1944. Every country in the world worth mentioning were disrespecting each other with explode-y things. And the Nazi Supernatural Division (kinda like an after school 4-H club with guns) has taken up residency in Castle Dracula. Why? For one thing, well-appointed bathrooms. Secondly, to unlock the secret behind Dracula’s immortality. Why? Beats the Goth outta me.

A new spin on the whole 1897 Bram Stoker tale, you have OSS agent RM Renfield in place of the fly-eating lickspittle (I love that word), Lieutenant Jonathan Harker (formerly a real state agent who went to great lengths to get that sales commission), Dr. John Seward (house manager of an insane asylum), and Anna Van Helsing, daughter of Professor Abraham Van Helsing, world renowned vampire hunter (nice work if you can get it).

The plan is to unite forces (along with Texas sharpshooter Quincey Morris) to form a covert special ops team and surprise the Nazis and shoot them in the facial area. The plan looks good on paper. But someone forgot that Dracula and his brides (Drac’s a polygamist as well as a fancy dresser and blood connoisseur) also live in the castle and don’t like drop-in guests. In all, Fangs of War sounds like a face-shooting/face-biting good time.

With three wives, I bet Dracula gets nagged a lot.

Night Claws – A Killer Bigfoot Movie

It disturbs me when filmmakers portray Bigfoot as a blood thirsty killer. Besides being just plain mean, it’s not even close to accurately profiling our forest friend. Sure, Bigfoot’s pulled a few pranks; who among us hasn’t loosened the cap on a salt shaker and waited for an unsuspecting person to go to shake a little flavor onto some french fries or cereal, only to have their meal ruined. (In all fairness, that is pretty funny. Not if it happened to me, though.) But Bigfoot as a killer? Not even close.

But that’s exactly how Bigfoot is made out to be in the upcoming indie movie, Night Claws. In the film, and I quote, “A small town is being terrorized by a killer Bigfoot. One that is blood thirsty, vicious and kills without warning and without discrimination.” Bigfoot should get himself a lawyer because that’s a clear case of slander.

A scientist, sheriff and a hunter are all after Bigfoot for different reasons. There should be only one – to exonerate Bigfoot’s reputation and restore his status as a charitable woodland benefactor with well-defined eco-concerns.

One can only hope Night Claws is a work of fiction and a loose artistic interpretation of the world’s greatest cryptid. But just in case, I’m having my attorney look into this.

Monsterological Measures Department

Meteorological Agency Monsterological Measures Department (MMD).

A mouthful in any language. But this Japanese agency, formed to offset city wide collateral damage incurred by repeated shopping/beer runs by giant monsters, simply refer to themselves in the “easier on the tongue” MMD.

Here’s what the team says about their job responsibilities: “The work is challenging, the public is hostile, and the monsters are hungry. But the MMD crew has science, teamwork – and a legendary secret weapon on their side. Together we will try and save Japan and the universe!”

Best that Team MMD should concentrate on Japan and leave saving the Universe to  guys like Stephen Hawking and/or Space Jesus.

Monster Magnitude 9, a popular weekly TV show in Japantown, and was first introduced to your face in this here snoop bloggy blog on August 6, 2010 at 4:34 am. (I couldn’t sleep as I had an upset tummy. That, and there was a werewolf outside, throwing small rocks at my window, that dick.) Click HERE to read it.

Since it’s really tough to get a good TV signal from Japan, you can now get the book version of MM9 here in United Statesland. Written by Hiroshi Yamamoto, MM9 will prison rape your wallet to the tune of $14.99. Those of you in Canada can expect to grab your ankles even harder as you’re gonna pay $16.99. MM9 is also available as an eBook on the Amazon Kindle, Apple’s iBooks Store, the Barnes & Noble’s Nook Books Store, and the Sony Reader Store for a much less penetrating $8.99.

Here’s some marketing to get you to cough up your fun yen: “Japan is beset by natural disasters all the time: typhoons, earthquakes…and giant monster attacks. A special anti-monster unit called the Meteorological Agency Monsterological Measures Department (MMD) has been formed to deal with natural disasters of high “monster magnitude.”

The press release goes on to say that “the B-movie monsters we know and love are basically treated like meteorological disasters along the lines of hurricanes or earthquakes by the MMD, who measures the “monster magnitude” of the various threats, and uses both science and folkloric knowledge to try to save Japan from constant repeated attack. It also gives an intriguing and wild answer to the question of how such enormous creatures could exist without the laws of physics kicking it.”

Laws of physics? A giant monster smacks a building. The building falls down. What part of wholesale destruction don’t you understand?

Israeli Zombies

“I got a good idea – let’s make a zombie movie!”

In what could be the last country on Earth to make a living dead flick this side of Antarctica (still waiting for a flick about zombie penguins), Israel tosses one the compost pile with Poisoned (2011), a zombie comedy featuring laughs, flesh-eating and butt-scratching.

According to Undead Brainspasm, Poisoned has only been seen inside Israeli borders, being premiered on the Icon TLV science fiction and fantasy film festival in Tel Aviv. I hope you’re writing this down.

Since it’s doubtful you’ll be getting Poisoned any time soon (OK, that didn’t sound right), here’s a rundown of the chowdown: “What makes this night different from all nights? On this night, the army really marches on its stomach! Passover at the base can be a real blow. Especially if you are a custodian stuck with a psychopathic commander, your high school crush has suddenly arrived, and all the soldiers have become flesh-eating zombies. But whose not used to suffering at the Seder?”

Educational content: “The Passover Seder is a Jewish ritual feast that marks the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover. It is conducted on the evenings of the 14th day of Nisan in the Hebrew calendar, and on the 15th by traditionally observant Jews living outside Israel.”

I’m down with that. Nisan makes good cars.

So yeah, yet another stinkin’ zombie film. I’ve written that sentence so many times, my keyboard looks like it was typed on with a ball peen hammer.

I get that zombie movies are a no-brainer (ahem). But for crying out loud, everyone stop doing undead movies right now. Enough already. Geez. You’re giving me a migraine. Hey, there’s good idea for a horror movie! Have some guy suffer from chronic headaches to the point where his brain lava lamps inside his skull. Then the particulate goo somehow regenerates and the guy comes back to life and…

Dammit.

Not Enough Evidence To Support Evidence

I love it how movie studios/filmmakers rush to tell you how great their movie is before it even comes out. Everything from getting your friends with silly blogs (ahem) and industry insiders to toss out quotes like “It’ll scare the sh*t outta your orifice,” those who make movies do this to flag your attention as if needing help to change a flat tire.

Take Evidence, a new found footage horror movie about four young adults who venture into the canyons around Los Angeles, only to find they are being stalked by a mysterious creature. Those who made it with hand-held cameras and some friends who can scream on cue and only occasionally chump a line, are self-proclaiming Evidence to be “the highest concept found-footage movie of all time.” Just a sec – gotta finish yawning.

Mind you, I’m not trying to rain on their parade (or as my grandfather used to say, “pee on your bald head”). But that kind of pretentious hype (“…of all time” – gimme a break) is very off-putting and presumes its intended audience is dense enough to take the bait. The again, after watching and reviewing over 3,207 horror, sci-fi and fantasy movies (that’s not hype; I can prove it – just ask my mom), I’m admittedly more than a bit cynical.

Of all the annoying trends in filmmaking these days (besides zombies) is the “found footage” genre. And that’s all thanks to that wretched Blair Witch Project (1999) raccoon excrement, which was made for $1.50 and went on to sucker the public out of one billion dollars. The consumer-grade camera/“found footage” gold rush was on – and we’re still paying for it over 13 years later. Yes, there have been found footage flicks that actually use the medium to mind-boggling effect (Cloverfield, [REC], my proctology exam), but for the most part, the no-talent get-rich-quick crowd racing to cash-in.

My fondest wish in life (besides to hang out with Batman) is that Evidence becomes massively successful. Heck, I’ll even pay to see it, not because I’m intrigued to see what the filmmakers are able to do on a cafeteria budget or that it lives up to their claim of “the highest concept found-footage movie of all time.” I just wanna see the monster. And maybe a few boobies thrown in for plot balance and structure. But to see it for the hype? Not so much.

Horror In The Air

I’m not afraid of flying. I’m afraid of not flying. This is why I prefer to travel by canoe. Then there’s the sheer uncomfortableness of air travel (I could have said “discomfort,” but I just didn’t.) You have invasive airport security screenings (the TSA now knows all about my General Ursus Planet of the Apes butt tattoo), coughing and sneezing passengers (cover your mouths, people – geez), lunch-blowing turbulence (jetliners aren’t aircraft, they’re winged amusement park rides) and snakes. And if you add supernatural forces (and snakes), the whole travel-by-air experience instills a sense of pant-filling dread and anxiety.

The upcoming horror movie Airborne (2012) is all the above (except snakes) and more. A disparate group of air travelers are stalked by an ancient evil aboard an in-flight jumbo jet. (I totally bet the carrier charges you extra for ancient evil.)

Still, Airborne sounds uncomfortably similar to Takashi Shimizu’s 7500 (previously titled Flight 7500). Scheduled to arrive on August 31, 2012, 7500 follows a group of passengers who encounter what appears to be a supernatural force while on a trans-Pacific flight. I have a hard time telling ancient evil apart from supernatural forces. For one thing, their breath smells the same…

The one-sheets for both are also similar, featuring a bloody hand pressed against a coach-class window. Neither hand seems to waving at other passing airplanes, UFOs and/or cloud people, though. And both films borrow (i.e. rip off) the movie poster for Red Eye (2005), a Wes Craven thriller about a political assassination plot. And snakes. (Just kidding – I told you flying makes my brain/tummy all paranoid and nervous-y.)

So yeah, thanks to supernatural forces/ancient evil, assassination plots and cabin-pressurized reptiles, it’s doubtful I’ll ever get on a plane again. I have no problem with helicopters, though.

Gamera The Brave

Always wondered why some movies take so stinkin’ long to come out on Blu-ray™. What are you waiting for – permission? Take Gamera The Brave, a movie about the giant fire-breathing turtle’s origins, released in 2006. According to my fuzzy kitten calendar (those kitties are so darn cute), it’s 2012. Using my neighbor’s calculator, I subtracted 2006 from 2012. Color me stunned – that’s six freakin’ years!

Arriving shortly (they better hurry – I’ve been holding my breath for 2,190 days, give or take), Gamera The Brave [Kadokawa Daiei Pictures] connects a few dots left unconnected throughout his previous stompfests. We get to see the actual birth of our favorite soup ingredient. We also find out why Gamera likes kids so darn much. And we discover the genesis of his fireball breath and that mysterious glowing rock that always seems to be in his movies. There’s also a brand new foe called Zedus. (Sounds metal.)

Gamera – in egg form (meaning not yet scrambled or omletted)– is discovered by a young boy. The egg hatches and out pops a turtle the size of a stick of butter. They become the buddiest of all buddies, with the kid taking Gamera home to pet and to see if it’ll float in toilet water. He doesn’t know it’s a Gamera, though, and names it Toto. (What, Crusher McBiggens didn’t come to mind?)

Slowly Gamera starts to grow. Just in time, too, because Zedus – an omni-bipedal giant lizard with weird flaps hanging off his neck – just surfaced in the kid’s seaside village and gulped down several of its taxpayers. Gamera leaps into action, but he’s only 24-feet long/tall, which the three-times-larger Zedus finds humorous. Gamera turns on the turtle juice, but Zedus pretty much uses him as a punching bag. (At one point Zedus does a WWE somersault and flips Gamera face first into a high-rise, leaving his ass sticking out. Hey, I’ll always root for Gamera, but that part is just plain funnier ’n hell.)

Gamera needs that glowing red stone some youngsters have in order to gain the muscle power needed to overcome Zedus. The kid who raised Toto did his homework and knows that if Gamera eats the glowing rock it’ll give him the power to shine bright orange and blow up, sacrificing himself – and anyone/anything within a 10-mile radius. The kid pleads with Gamera to not kill himself in order to save everyone from Zedus. Make up your damn mind, punk; you’re not giving Gamera a whole lotta options here.

Gamera swallows the stone and the brawl for it all kicks into high gear. The mind-boggling fight scenes are so realistic as to make you not want to move to Japan for fear of being smushed.

And speaking of our hero, my only real complaint is while they made everything else look realistic (including that Zedus ass clown), Gamera looks like a giant toy. In his last movie he looked the way you’d expect a giant turtle to look, all mean and slobbery. This version has a true-to-life turtle face (more roundy), but the eyes and goofy shell look totally fake. This is the same reason why Mothra looks so soft and fluffy when it should be covered in used razor blades and twisty barbed-wired.

Maybe Gamera would look cooler if they gave him a Ginsu™ knife. I’d buy his action figure then – as long as the head twists off and shampoo comes out.

D.I.Y. Horror Movies

The Digital Revolution has given us moron proof, instantly-gratifying access to porn, impulse shopping and this blog. So it stands to reason the horror genre would benefit as well, allowing hardcore horror/sci-fi freaks, not unlike myself or your mother, to indulge countless hours of monster movie surfing in the comfort of your work place that you’re being paid to something else.

One of the more intriguing horror sites is PopcornHorror.com, a site that invites you to quit videotaping you playing with yourself and make short horror movies. The concept is moron-proof: Make a monster movie that falls into the one-minute to 20 minute range, upload it to PopcornHorror.com, and get $200 smackos and 20% of all individual sales. Then you get to tell Hollywood where to cram your unsold scripts. (I’m looking in your direction, Universal.)

So how do people view your hand-held masterpiece? (The film, not, you know.) PopcornHorror.com has a nifty phone app that feeds your mini movie into any phone that wants it. (Note to PopcornHorror.com – it doesn’t work on my new rotary phone. Lemme know when you get that bug fixed.)

Their mission statement: “We’re looking for the most spine-tingling, gruesome, frightening, exhilarating and explosive film thrills from around the world.”

I wonder if found footage of my last colonoscopy would work? It was definitely gruesome. And explosive? Was it ever!