Jersey Devil vs Carnival Freaks

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carny

The Jersey Devil, a red-eyed creature with bat wings, a horse face, hooves, and a spiked tale, was caught and sold to a freak show carnival, where the circus ringmaster plans on exploiting the flesh-hungry beast for monetary gains. I feel this is a good business model.

Carny

Meanwhile, the small town Sheriff is warned by the local “fire ’n brimstone” preacher to keep the “Lord’s mistakes” out of their bible-fearing community. That just seems prejudice to me; who could possibly be threatened by a man with two faces or a Leopard Woman with spots all over her body? At least she uses a litter box.

Carny

Assured that the mythical beast is sedated and poses no threat to the community or easily-stained clothing, the show goes on. You are simply not gonna believe what happens next. During the performance, the monster gets loose and goes after some teens in the woods. Yeah, I totally didn’t see it coming, either.

Carny

Like the Jersey Devil, the pastor is out for blood. He rallies all the gun-toting red necks in town for an outdoor BBQ with the freak show cast being the grilled treats. The pastor manages to kill the flying devil, its “dead” body dragged outside where the locals can have their picture taken with it. Wouldn’t be fun if Jersey just laid there, so it comes back to life and goes back to taking lives.

 

Carny

Speaking of, the creature, about the size of a regular devil dog, but with wings and bigger teeth, doesn’t look too digital. This is good, because he has a reputation to live up to. If he doesn’t do his job, then the easily-frightened folks of Pine Barrens will start believing in Bigfoot or some other tourist generating monster. And that’s not good business sense.

Carny

Flying around like a bomber seagull, Jersey buzzes the now-flaming carnival and ends up face to face with the preacher. The outcome? Let’s just say the Holy Man is now a “hole-y” man. Heh. In all, Carny (2009) has more blood than originally forecast, with several decent dismemberments and real-time autopsies as performed by JD.

Satan’s Serpent vs. Rap

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lockjaw

All it took to summon a snake creature from the butthole of Hell was the Kulev Stick and some incredibly dense teens.

Lockjaw

The I.D.Ts driving around in a monster truck plow over some guy’s wife. Insta-widow guy uses the Kulev Stick (a No. 2 lead pencil with mystical properties) to bring forth a bus-long half/snake, half alligator. This “snalligator” is called Vengeance, and puts the squeeze on whoever’s likeness is drawn on special toilet paper.

Lockjaw

Taking the framework from Pumpkinhead (1988), LockJaw (aka Carnivorous, Carnivorous DMX and Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent/2008) changes the landscape only slightly by adding a rap guy (DMX) with thug tattoos and a bazooka (!) to do battle with the snalligator.

Lockjaw

The only sex scene has the blonde supermodel going to Boner City while wearing her under garments, the movie’s best special effect. The wiggly beast doesn’t have any lines, but manages to kill/eat several people. The bazooka, it should be noted, takes second place to a homemade weapon one of the teens (“with an engineering degree”) builds: a table lamp with kitchenware taped to it.

Lockjaw

While it never actually gets used, I bet that thing would’ve caused some serious damage. The only other impairment occurs from watching this painfully bad movie.

Space Termites

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Apocalypse

After 40 years in hyper sleep during an exploratory space journey, Ivan Hood (played by the immortal Bruce Campbell) can’t wait to see the future.

He envisioned a utopian society and making lots of money pimpin’ out his skills as a chiropractor. But what he and his space mates of two chicks and another guy discover is that the Earth has been appropriated by seven-foot tall termites that have enslaved the human race to work in sawmills, harvesting lumber to ship back to the bug planet as take-out food.

Alien Apocalypse

Ivan escapes the insect overlords and encounters longhairs living in the woods outside of the reach of termite tyranny. These pacifists won’t help him overthrow the aliens because they like their lifestyle of hanging out in the forest and drinking potato liquor and listening to some crunchy grooves. Just as I suspected – future hippies.

Alien Apocalypse

Through their slacker conversations Ivan finds out the President lives in the Cascade Mountains and will one day lead the revolt against the buggers. So Ivan and a few hippies (including one really hot chick in a leather thong) go to find him. And find him they do, living with the rest of Congress and being nothing more than talking gas bags as they can’t seem to pass a bill banning illegal aliens.

Alien Apocalypse

But it’s all too flat as the entire plot of Alien Apocalypse (2005) runs out of space originality after the first ten minutes. If you’re not gonna spend time on head-eating violence, then we need to get back to the other important plot message: the chick in the leather thong.

P.S. Looks like District 9 (2009) borrowed more than a cup of sugar from Alien Apocalypse for their alien’s termite look…

Alien Apocalypse

 

The Butcher: Pleased To Meat You

Posted in Asian Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , on July 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Butcher

In The Butcher (2007), a horror movie dubbed “too shocking to be released in its own country of Korea,” kidnapped victims are tied up in a dirty warehouse awaiting an explicitly graphic, violent death while a snuff film producer maps out his camera angles. Just another day at the office.

The Butcher

Each victim has a video camera strapped to his/her head so that footage from the dismemberments can be used in the final cut. (Hey, that worked as a pun!) Do the victims get film credits? No. I feel this is entirely unfair.

The Butcher

A killer wearing a real pig’s head over the top of his real head has a chainsaw, hammer and a massively blood-stained apron. I don’t care how many times you wash that thing, you’re not gonna be able to get it 100% clean.

The Butcher

A man and his wife are dragged in for their scene, a hammer to the head to settle them down. Pig Head proceeds to have a less-than-romantic scene with the back of the male victim’s swimsuit area. Love is in the air.

The Butcher

Begging for his wife’s life, the film director tells him if he can come up with fresh ideas for killing his spouse, he can go free. It takes all of two seconds for the guy to sell out his spouse with ridiculously nasty killing suggestions. The director likes where his head is at and frees him, leaving the wife screaming in accompaniment to the musical chainsaw.

The Butcher

Bloodied, his sitting area a little tender for some reason, and with the camera still attached to his head, he stumbles out into the bright sunshine. It’s nice that such a pointless and brutally graphic film can end on such a happy note.

Horror With A Mortgage

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Amityville Horror

A new family (guy marries a chick with kids, like that’s a good idea) moves into the ferociously haunted Amityville horror house, where a mass murder went down a year ago. (Note to whomever: it wasn’t referred to that in the real estate brochures.)

The Amityville Horror

Shortly thereafter, spook ass events happen at 3:15AM every flippin’ night: noises, thumpings, cross turnings… Sounds just like my neighbors. But all this paranormal stuff is making George Lutz, the newly married dad with a step family, seriously gooned out. Especially since he’s the only one who hears the demonic commotion.

The Amityville Horror

Apparently, the house was built atop an ancient Native American burial ground. That’s like putting ketchup on an ice cream sundae. A discovered secret room in the basement reveals the source of all the evil angst and, along with the swarms of flies in the upstairs room, gives the Lutz’ good cause for abandonment.

The Amityville Horror

Other paranormal fun time activities include a flying pig named Jodie (I would’ve named it Hover Pork), a chair that rocks by itself (I do the same thing) and hot and cold running demons. The Amityville Horror (1979) also comes complete with one of the more iconic horror movie soundtracks this side of The Exorcist (1973).

The Amityville Horror

So if you’re gonna be forced from your house by evil spirits, you may as well have a little reconciliation music to go with your self-exploding furniture, basement oil pit and hover porkers.

Blood-Soaked Lingerie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Orgy of the She-Devils

Queen Mara is so hammy she should work in a deli. This over-acting/over-enunciating/over-mascara applying witch leader of a coven (consisting of nearly dressed supermodels) holds drum-accompanied stabbing rituals, yells out her spells and commands demons to do her bidding. I do the same thing while drunk, but don’t wear nearly as much makeup as she does. Except that ONE TIME.

Blood Orgy of the She-Devils

Anyway, Queen Mara is hell-bent on exacting revenge for hundreds of years of witch burnings. She employs voodoo to facilitate said retribution. And she can channel the Indian spirit of Tonka Trucka, or whatever his name is, as well as another entity called Jennifer.

Blood Orgy of the She-Devils

At least that’s what it sounded like; I kept falling asleep as this movie is seriously boring and fails to hold interest due to the She-Devil supermodels failure to discard superfluous clothing during their blood-letting rituals.

Blood Orgy of the She-Devils

Even though the admittedly cool titled Blood Orgy of the She-Devils “cult” movie was made in 1972 and has more cheese than a store that sells cheese, I expected a lot more from Ted V. Mikels, the guy who gave us The Corpse Grinders (1971) and the tremendously flavorful The Worm-Eaters (1977). Sigh.

Journey to the Center of My Mind

Posted in Uncategorized on July 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gone Fission

Taking a few days off for overt introspection, a little personal grooming and a journey of self-discovery with the aid of alcohol.

Some might call it a “brain recess,” others a “summer vacation.” Those somes would be wrong. It’s more like a sitting in a dive bar for 12 hours, a portal if you will, to access the center of the universe. Only when one is overtly assisted by booze and pees his or someone else’s pants in public will the secrets reveal themselves.

Superman does this all the time.

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