Embroidered Horror, Latino Zombies, Demonic Revenge

Artist George Coghill, from Kent, OH, sells himself as a Monsterologist. George makes colorful embroidered patches of every cryptid in the entire world. Okay, maybe not the entire world, but more than you count on 50 fingers. These freakin’ cool 3”x3” patches, which includes large back patches (10”x11”), depict everything from Area 51, the The Jersey Devil and Mothman to the Kraken, The Loveland Frogman and the Hopkinsville Aliens. So yeah, he more than earns the title.

From George’s Monsterologist Etsy™ storefront: “Embroidered patches, stickers, buttons, enamel pins and more. Monsters, cryptids, Halloween and other fun paranormal-themed items, including Bigfoot, Yeti, Sasquatch, aliens, UFOs, ghosts, Halloween, Krampus and more.” Prices range from $3 to $46 (the aforementioned back patches), and you get EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ’EM by clicking this.

So while we all refresh our wardrobe by adorning ’em with these beyond cool paranormal patches, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have loose threads (you got that joke, yes?)…

CHOLO ZOMBIES / Out now (YouTube™)

“A comedy horror film about zombie absurdity where only true Cholos turn and SoCal’s legal system is a little too lenient. Not to be confused with Cholo Zombies Monstro from the same team.”

I saw Cholo Zombies Monstro (2023). That one’s a zombie love story. Even with all the gore, I was tuned off by the romance, which was way more icky than the gore.

THE HOUSE OF THE SERPENT / July 30, 2024 (VOD)

“Naomi is writing a new play at a mountain villa she rented for the summer. Troubled by her thoughts, she calls her friend, actress Mizuki, telling her that there is something in the house. Naomi hears the screams of the children. When Naomi calls Mizuki, they talk about the new play. It’s based on a strange incident about a woman’s disappearance that she saw on a TV program a while ago. The daughter claims that she saw her mother running out into the garden and disappearing without a trace. Then she finds scorch marks on the ground where she vanished.”

Pffft! I leave scorch marks on the ground all the time. P.S. No, thank YOU 7-Eleven™ BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger Roller™.

CAMP TERROR / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

The quiet town of Forrest Lakes was paralyzed by devastating events that took place involving the myth of a bullied child, and his demonic revenge on the campgrounds where he had been murdered long ago. The events that transpired nearly two decades ago at the very location where this urban legend was rumored to occur, focus on the tragedy that plagued a young girl and the unexplained massacre she witnessed that to this day has still gone unsolved. Sheriff Katie Becks has sworn to serve and protect the place where she once lost everything. The infamous Jacob Phelps has yet again resurfaced and is hunting for the one survivor who escaped him. As a group of friends explore the empty campgrounds in search of ghost stories, they will soon find they have found more than they bargained for. Crippling fear and sheer terror are unleashed in what becomes the most disturbing acts this small community has ever seen.”

The most disturbing acts ever seen? Clearly, they’ve never been to the Tug Tavern on $2 Oyster ’n Hornitos Black Barrel™ Shooters Night. Call ahead to reserve a stool. And I’m not talking about a chair.

DECADE OF THE DEAD / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

Ten years after the apocalypse, a group of bounty hunters finds refuge on a tropical island only to discover it’s ruled by a deranged cult leader with plans to take over the post-apocalyptic world. Stuck between the cult and the relentless hordes of the walking dead, the survivors must fight for their lives.”

An oxymoron as all cult leaders are deranged. They have to be — it’s in their charter.

45 Years of Halloween, Frankenstein Turkey, Werewolf Crisis

John Carpenter’s Halloween premiered October 22, 1978 and went on to rake in over $70 million, becoming one of the most profitable independent films of all time. I paraphrased that by copying and pasting related text I gleaned from this thing called the “Internet.” Additional paraphrasing: “Halloween is considered one of the greatest and most influential horror films ever made. In 2006, it was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry by the Library of Congress as being “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.”

And now, to celebrate Halloween’s 45th anniversary, Fright-Rags.com has released a plethora of Michael Myer’s memorabilia, from shirts, hats, hoodies and masks, to liquid fillable cups, enamel pins, socks and figurines. Other horror collectible sites are selling Halloween stuff, too (NightmareToys.com sells a Michael Myers Halloween butcher knife, though I’m pretty sure you can get one at Sur la Table™). But Fright-Rags.com has the coolest fashionables if you would just click this.

So while we all go shopping for Halloween 45 stuff because why not, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant…

CREATURE / October 20, 2023 (Netflix™)

“When tragedy befalls a reckless scientist in Ottoman-era Istanbul, his student uses untested methods to finish his work with devastating consequences.”

This series is a Turkish take on Frankenstein. There will be blood…and subtitles.

MONSTERNADO / November 14, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“A tornado, infested with prehistoric monsters, has formed in the Bermuda Triangle, and is making its way towards land. Megalodon, pterodactyls, giant octopuses, crocodiles, and more, attack. Now the city must fight to survive against these deadly creatures.”

Okay, I’m not gonna lie to you — this sounds pretty cool. Just wondering what city must fight to survive? Hope it’s mine.

BEAST OF WALTON STREET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the homeless population of an Ohio town is ravaged by brutal deaths in the dead of winter, city officials turn a blind eye to the violence in the name of squashing panic. With no help from the city in sight, Constance Wilmenson and Sketch Williams make a pact to defend their turf in the name of their forgotten homeless brethren and fight back against the deadly creature…a werewolf.”

Using werewolves to solve the homeless crisis. There’s a new low.

THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 1 / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Based on the original 2008 cult horror franchise of the same name, the project features a young woman named Maya, who drives cross-country with her longtime boyfriend to begin a new life in the Pacific Northwest. When their car breaks down in Venus, Oregon, they’re forced to spend the night in a secluded Airbnb™, where they are terrorized from dusk till dawn by three masked strangers.”

This one is being done as a trilogy. Not sure why. It’s like having the same cereal for breakfast over and over again…since 2008. 

Monster Legacy, Pesky Ghosts, Man Frog

Apple TV+™ has announced the title/plot of their upcoming Godzilla live action series. It’s being called Monarch: Legacy of Monsters and set in the same universe as Godzilla (2014), Kong: Skull Island (2017), Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019), Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), and the forthcoming Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. I approve that message.

Here’s how Monarch: Legacy of Monsters is going down: “Spanning three generations, the series following the thunderous battle between Godzilla and the Titans that leveled San Francisco and tracks two siblings following in their father’s footsteps to uncover their family’s connection to the secretive organization known as Monarch. Clues lead them into the world of monsters and ultimately down the rabbit hole to Army officer Lee Shaw (played by Kurt Russell and Wyatt Russell), taking place in the 1950s and half a century later where Monarch is threatened by what Shaw knows.”

Godzilla, monsters AND Snake Plissken? (For those who live in a different multiverse, the total badass tough guy Snake Plissken was played by Kurt Russell in Escape From New York back in 1981. Godzilla’s gonna have his claws full dealing with Sir Plissken.)

So while we all IMPATIENTLY wait for Apple TV+™ to post the trailer/series premier date, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not ever be as cool as Godzilla and/or Snake Plissken…

BACK HOME / September 14, 2023 (VOD/Hong Kong)

“Heung Wing has been sensitive to paranormal activity and keeps seeing ghosts since he was a kid, which is called having ‘Yin Yang’ eyes. To avoid being bothered by the ghosts, he pretends to be ignorant even though he knew of their existence. When he gets older, he escapes from Hong Kong to Canada because of his miserable childhood. One day, Heung Wing has been told that his mother is in a coma having tried to take her life, which forces him to return back to Hong Kong. When he goes back to the old home, everything looks strange and unfamiliar to him. What’s more horrifying is a series of suicide cases happen in his neighborhood and ghosts start to appear in front of him again. The situation is deteriorating beyond his imagination.”

I liked this better when it was called The Sixth Sense (1999).

MINORE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Greek seaside port is invaded by mysterious tentacled creatures from the ocean floor. It’s up to a small gang of misfits made up of musicians, a sailor, a bodybuilder, and one granny to save the city from this Lovecraftian terror from the deep.”

I liked this better when it was called Grabbers (2012).

WOMAN IN THE MAZE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

A young woman rents a house in America’s largest ghost town, Jerome, Arizona for a business trip, but soon discovers that the house is cursed and traps any woman who enters it. The house transforms into a maze, making it impossible for the woman to escape. Will she be able to break the curse and escape the maze before it’s too late? Or will she become the next victim of the cursed house?”

Sounds like a mash-y combination of Channel Zero: No-End House (2017) and Cube (1997). Those two should open an Airbnb™.

FROGMAN / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Loveland, Ohio — home of the Frogman. In the summer of 1999, a 12-year-old named Dallas Kyle captured footage of the mythical creature, but no one believed it was real. Twenty years later, Dallas, now an amateur filmmaker struggling to turn his passion into a career, returns to Loveland with friends Amy and Scotty determined to obtain irrefutable proof that the Frogman exists. But what starts as an innocent documentary soon turns into a Lovecraftian nightmare as Dallas uncovers the horrific secrets hidden beneath Loveland’s idyllic surface. Can Frogman read minds? Does he really have a wand? Does Frogman f*ck? One thing is certain — the croaks are no hoax!”

Loveland, Ohio’s Loveland Frogman (aka, Loveland Lizard) is a cryptid humanoid frog standing four-feet tall. It’s legend became a t-shirt in 1972 after a Loveland police officer reported he had seen an animal consistent with descriptions of the frogman. No word whether or not the officer had been drinking chilled (and refreshing) bottles of Bad Frog Beer™ prior to the incident.

The Color of Corpses, Brutal Metal, Death Spaghetti

We all know Netflix™ owns our movie souls. But did you know that Netflix™ also publishes coloring books inspired by their shows Stranger Things, Squid Game, Bridgerton, and Castlevania? Truer words were never spoken. (Not by me — truths do not come out of my tooths.) Not to be outdone, the awesomely awesome Trick or Treat Studios™ has just released their fully-licensed Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses Coloring Book. In your streaming face, Netflix™!

From their website: “Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well, then boy do we have something for you! Trick or Treat Studios™ is thrilled to present the House of 1000 Corpses — Coloring Book. Written by Daniel Roebuck and Illustrated by Pete Bregman with Cover art by Suspiria Vilchez, this is the perfect activity for any fan! 30+ coloring pages and activities including a Fishboy cut-out decoration, paper masks and a Baby paper doll!” The coloring book sells for $11.99 — red crayons not included. Get it here.

You say you haven’t seen House of 1000 Corpses? Some enlightenment: “Two young couples take a misguided tour onto the back roads of America in search of a local legend known as Dr. Satan. Lost and stranded, they are set upon by a bizarre family of psychotics. Murder, cannibalism and satanic rituals are just a few of the 1000+ horrors that await.” That plot description reads like an ingredients list of your favorite 7-Eleven™ meat snack.

So while we go pilfer some coloring sticks from those !@#$% endlessly noisy kids next door, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not end up on Netflix™…

METALOCALYPSE: ARMY OF THE DOOMSTAR / August 22, 2023 (Blu-ray, DVD)

“Nathan Explosion, the lead singer of Dethklok, tries to save his band, stop the Metalocalypse, and face Salacia, the ultimate evil. Can Dethklok choose between their egos and the greater good of the world to embark on a gauntlet of dangers that will try their very souls and finally write the song that will be their salvation?”

Metalocalypse, isthe ferociously popular animated series on Adult Swim™. And its band Dethklok are now stars of their first (and hopefully not last) movie. Bonus: the soundtrack comes out at the same time and features performances by King Diamond, Kirk Hammett and Scott Ian. All of this combined is brutal bliss.

STORAGE LOCKER / August 22, 2023 (VOD)

“Comic book collector Packer Stanley falls for two beautiful sisters, Apollonia and Diana Leto, who run a massive underground storage facility. Wannabe witch Apollonia has resurrected her dead father in a demonic boy and uses him to eliminate certain members of their secret society of rarities collectors. Packer seeks the Holy Grail of comics, the first appearance of The Spyder, and is lured into the storage locker maze. There he faces off with the mutating demon to win his grand prize.”

1. Packer Stanley’s name seems backward. 2. Why would two beautiful sisters run a massive underground storage facility in lieu of a rewarding and potentially lucrative career working at 7-Eleven™? 3. 7-Eleven™ sells The Spyder — I just scored a copy for $1.50…and grabbed a pack of mutating demons while I was at it. Man, those things are delicious! 

THE CAGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the Italian countryside, far away from everything and everyone, from the conviviality of provincial towns, from any contact with others, lives the reclusive Fieri family. Rosa, the mother, rules the family with a stern and perverse iron fist, including her passive husband Elvio and their three grown but completely dependent children. The twins, Anna and Bruno, are forced into an existence of deprivation, punishment, and docility. The youngest son, Sextus, was left paralyzed after an accident in his youth, spending his life completely at his mother’s mercy. But today is Sextus’ birthday, the one day he can wish for anything his heart desires and it will not be denied him. But Sextus’ one dream is a link to the outside world that Rosa decries as evil. Can Sextus finally take matters into his own hands and pull himself towards a horizon that seems unreachable?”

If I had an Italian mom with a perverse iron fist and got to have one birthday wish, I’d wish for her to turn into a roll of toilette carta. In a Spaghetti Warehouse™ bathroom. In Dayton, Ohio. On “15-Layer Lasagna Platter” night. During a heatwave. Happy birthday to ME, perverse iron-fisted Italian mom!

UNSEEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the aftermath of an unknown disaster, a mentally unstable man attempts to satisfy his conscience while tormenting a woman with an abusive past.”

This guy sounds like a total dick. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was his name. Maybe the title is prophetic. P.S. Not to confused with the OTHER Unseen, which is streaming VOD as an unknown disaster is pending.

Space Trippin’, Corpse Cop-A-Feel, Intrusive Intruders

Here’s another thing you didn’t know you needed: Relic of a Jupiter Tomb statuettes. How you thought you’d get through life without ‘em is the million dollar question. Or rather, $325.00, which is the cost of owning one of these crazy cool and colorful and limited to 300 worldwide art pieces. To sweeten the pot, each statuette is hand-painted and airbrushed by master statue craftsmen, making each individual piece unique.

So what exactly are these things? Looks like something a hippie would dream of while tripping on Grateful Dead-grade acid. The artist known as Skinner writes of the statue’s origins: “The men found the relic within the monolithic sarcophagus of Jupiter. They had been trapped for days now, the storm outside having destroyed their ship, leaving them stranded. It was lucky that their space suits had kept them alive this long, but the oxygen wouldn’t last another day…”

Which reminds me — I need to get that hole in my space suit repaired before heading to the store. These statuettes, though, come with a two-sided removable helmet, which can be flipped to present a different design on each side. They come in a “soft touch” collector art box and ship with a certificate of authenticity signed by the House of Gog guys. Preorder ’em here.

While you go rummaging around a monolithic sarcophagus on Jupiter (Uber™ doesn’t go there, so just take the Space Shuttle), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put YET ANOTHER embarrassing hole in your space suit…

THE ANCHOR / Out now (Screambox™)

“Sera, a nightly news anchor, receives a distressing phone call from a mother saying that a man is going to kill her and that Sera is the only one capable of solving her murder. When she discovers that the caller is real, Sera digs deeper into the case to reveal the shocking truth.”

The only calls I get are from guys with Indian accents named Jerry saying they’re calling from a tech support office in Ohio to tell me my computer is infected with a virus and that they can fix it for $798.00. Fairly priced. 

CONFESSIONS OF A NECROPHILE GIRL / December 2022 (DVD)

“Based on the true life story of American necrophile Karen Greenlee. Karen relives the most important moments of her life through a video diary, from childhood to first love and the scandal about her sexual attraction for corpses.”

Not sure where one draws the line with this subject matter, but if your bar is set high for watching live people have sex with dead people, give Nekromantic (1988) a loving gaze.

BERMUDA ISLAND / January 20, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD/VOD/Select Theaters)

“Passengers on their way to a tropical paradise crash at sea and find themselves on a deserted island. Desperate to survive the elements and infighting between survivors, they find that the island has more in store for them than they could ever imagine.”

Like what exactly — exploding coconuts? Inflatable mermaids? Monkey butlers? Should be all of that.

GO AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Liz and her boyfriend Mark travel to a remote home in the woods to visit Sherry, her estranged mother. As Liz and the rest of her family try to put their differences aside long enough to survive dinner, an unexpected knock at the door turns into deadly chaos when a group of masked intruders take the family hostage and force them to play a deadly game of hide and seek.”

Social protocol dictates you call first before dropping by. Masked intruders can be so rude. 

Aliens, Extraterrestrials, Space Brothers

Besides being a well-researched book on extraterrestrial visitations and the infamous the Roswell Incident (UFO ran a red light, crashed, and we put the alien driver in jail and denied bail) and beyond, it’s the title that’s pretty dang clever: Fifty Shades of Greys. Man, that’s funny because greys are what we call aliens, probably because they look so depressed all the time.

Written by Raymond Szymanski, a retired Air Force Engineer, the 2016 book claims that the UFOs and aliens from the outrageous 1947 Roswell Incident were brought to the Wright – Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio to be examined and kept in obscure covered passageways. That’s a pretty bold proclamation. An Air Force base in Dayton, Ohio, home of Orville Wright, the guy who invented UFOs? Mr. Szymanski — you just hit pay dirt.

Another coincidence, then, that we’re being invaded with movies and documentaries of our depressed space brothers. Here are a few just released sci-fi movies and UFO documentaries to give you a few more shades of greys…

ALIENS: ZONE OF SILENCE (available now)
“After her brother vanishes from the Mexican desert, a young woman sets out to uncover the truth about his disappearance. When she discovers an extraterrestrial presence, she must risk her life to expose the desert’s otherworldly secret.”

An almost note-for-note rip-off of The Phoenix Incident (2015), The Phoenix Tapes ’97 (2016) and Phoenix Forgotten (2017). Despite the plagiarism, the fact this is YET ANOTHER found footage flick should make you wanna better spend your time elsewhere, like abducting beers.

ALIEN CONTACT: OUTER SPACE (available now)
Many people think of Space as a quiet and desolate vacuum of emptiness, but new evidence reveals that space is rife with activity beyond our comprehension. Just as we sent Voyager and Pioneer probes beyond our solar system, aliens have probes of their own that may have arrived as early as the 1600’s. While Tesla was the first to successfully communicate with neighboring worlds using radio waves, we have received recent signals from intelligent sources. In 1989, Russian Space Probe Phobos 2 photographed a UFO on the surface of Mars just prior to losing contact. Scientists have determined that the craft was real and of a thin elliptical shape over 20 miles in length. We are not alone in outer space and while the aliens may be initiating contact, they could also be here already.”

Seems to me if aliens wanted to contact us they would just send us an IM on Spacebook™ or something. Or maybe its because they haven’t found intelligent life here on Earth worth talking to. That’s probably it.

E.T. CONTACT: THEY ARE HERE (available now)
“E.T. Contact: They Are Here documents the jaw-dropping stories of individuals from around the world who share similar accounts of extraterrestrial and otherworldly encounters. Through a series of groundbreaking on-camera experiments on human DNA, and interviews with leading scientists, viewers will find themselves pondering the nature of their own reality or yet the true origin of the human species. E.T. Contact may ultimately show that the traditionally unexplained is, in fact, far more attributable to science than fiction.”

The trailer for this one is pretty funny as it features straight-faced academics supporting the belief of extraterrestrials’ existence and, by extension, their frequent visitations to learn how our back doors work. Take heed, space brother; I just ate a Taco Bell™ Fiery Doritos Locos Taco Supreme™.

ALIEN CONVERGENCE (available now)
“When flying reptilian aliens begin to take over the world, the remaining survivors must band together and fight back with newly developed fighter jets.”

Aliens can fly? Well dang — that makes ’em even cooler than first thought. Aside from complexion, wondering, though, how this differs from Flying Monkeys (2013)?

Map of Monsters

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.

 

Confessions of a Horror Icon

Did you know Freddy Krueger’s middle name is Charles, or that he was originally known as the Springwood Slasher? I’ve watched all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies/sequels and did not know that. Maybe it came up, but I was probably in the kitchen looking for a sandwich of some kind to fill that empty place in my stomach the Elm Street movies left in me.

So why, after 10 movies and a somewhat craptacular TV series in 2005 (A Nightmare on Elm Street: Real Nightmares), am I still feeling unfulfilled? Because there simply wasn’t enough backstory on Freddy. Oh sure, they tried to half-assedly throw something together in the 2010 re-make. But to my sandwich-minded mind, it wasn’t enough.

Now, with the release of the fan made film The Confession of Fred Krueger, I might be able to get some closure. Debuting at Indianapolis’ Horror Hound Weekend in September, CoFK looks to fill in all the gaping holes in the Freddy Krueger mythology. Here’s what’s in store…

“The Springwood Police Department has just arrested a man named Fred Krueger, a janitor at the local power plant whom they believe to be the notorious Springwood Slasher. A filthy child murderer who killed 20 children over a five year long reign of terror on the nice suburban Ohio town. Krueger has been brought to the station to be interrogated by the department’s senior lieutenant. Sit down with one of the most charismatic and sinister man to ever walk the earth and hear him tell his story.”

Time to go grocery shopping for some sandwich fixins – don’t want to miss a single bite of this one.

Bigfoot Is The Something In The Woods

Have you ever seen a Bigfoot? If so, did you offer yourself as a blood sacrifice that resulted in your death? Do you have fur growing where there was no fur before? More importantly, have you ever been to Ohio?

If you’ve answered yes to one or more of the questions, then you’re just the person to see Something In The Woods, a new Sasquatch horror movie, making its premier in Ohio on May 15th at Salt Fork Lodge & Conference Center, which hosts the biggest Bigfoot conference in the world. (Note to self: Move to Ohio.)

Something In The Woods has this to say about that: “Strange and scary things happen at small family farm. but for John Hartman there is only one thing to do – stand his ground against something that the rest of the world says doesn’t exist – until he realizes that nothing is more important than the safety of his family.”

Small Farm John is doing the right thing by protecting his fam fam. But in the trailer, John is shown brandishing a weapon as a mode of defense. When will humans learn? Bullets bounce off Bigfoot as though he was from Krypton. Best to just hand over some berries, maybe a breakfast pig and whatever cash you have on hand, and just walk away. If you value your life.