Bigfoot: “I’m Ready For My Close-up…”

As the world’s most recognizable and celebrated cryptid (claimed, but never proven to exist, which is total bullsh*t), Bigfoot tops the list as a bankable juggernaut, spawning countless books, toys, shirts, bumper stickers, hamburgers, candles, soap and, of course, movies.

There are one zillion movies of Bigfoot being everything from benevolent to malevolent. But no one wants to see the mythical monster be nice. So they turned him into a murder machine, going up against everything from campers and crooks, hippies to holiday mascots.

But where does one start wading into the cesspool of unflattering films about our fearsome fursome? Having seen many of these Bigfoot biographies, here’s a sampler to get you started…

MEGAFOOT (2014)

Part cyborg, part Bigfoot. (Should we start calling him Bionicfoot?) Throw in the pro-gun military and gleeful gut-ripping for wholesome family fun. As if it needs to be said, this could be the best version of Bigfoot ever.

BIGFOOT vs. KRAMPUS (2021)

Satan calls on the evil, reverse-Santa Krampus to cause Christmas calamity. Jesus is out of office, so Bigfoot steps up to save us all.

BIGFOOT vs. ZOMBIES (2016)

A scientist creates a science cocktail that turns everyone into flesh-digesting zombies. Rick Grimes is out of office, so Bigfoot steps up to save us all. 

BIGFOOT vs. D.B. COOPER (2014)

Thrill-seekers go deep in the Pacific Northwest woods to find the $200,000 in lost money infamous plane hijacker D.B. Cooper ransomed in 1971, then bailed out of a Boeing 727 with a parachute. He was never found. But they find Bigfoot, whose been seen flashing Benjamins at local watering holes. 

BIGFOOT WARS (2014)

Bigfoot has finally had his fill with hairless humans. A showdown throwdown pay-per-view will determine who wins the championship pelt.

BIGFOOT BLOOD TRAP (2017)

Entitled (i.e. smug, arrogant, overbearing, stupid) teens inherit hundreds of acres of land that could be used for much-needed strip malls. They go exploring with their cell phones and butt dial Bigfoot. They should have called 9-1-1.

DEAR GOD NO! (2011)

Hippie bikers find who’s hairier when they invade an anthropologist’s house and find out he has Bigfoot in the basement. Where else are you gonna keep him? It does not end well for the big leather dumbf*cks.

Cannibal Restaurants, Paranormal Paintings, Yiddish Vampires

It’s October/Halloween and time to fire up the grill for some charred Jack-O-Lantern burgers, washed down with a few cauldrons of Witches Brew (aka, enchanted Budweiser™). And what a more seasonal way to do this is with Fire Pit Skull Logs by Hauntic™. 

The skull logs were a a big hit a few years back with the Internet crowd looking for a way to put more ’ween in their Hallow. Unlike your head, these skulls are made of ceramic soil non-toxic material, are 3.6” x 3.1” x 2.5”, and are gray in color. 

As Hauntic™ tells us, “Our skull logs withstand temperatures of up to 1,800°F and can be reused for years on end.” And hey, they’re doing a sale: buy one skull, get another free. Savvy consumers will want to get in on this insider trading; last year the skulls went for $60 each — right now they’re going for $29.00 for two, so that tabs out at a sweet $14.50 each/a’piece. (Limited deal: click HERE)

While you’re preparing to pay backyard tribute to the flame-faced Ghost Rider in your Weber Grill™, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not cremate your cranium… 

SOME LIKE IT RARE / October, 7, 2022 (VOD)

“Sophie and Vincent’s small butcher shop is on the brink of bankruptcy and their marriage is falling apart. Their lives are turned upside down when Vincent accidentally kills a vegan activist who vandalized their shop. Overwhelmed and terrified of being accused of murder, their only solution is to get rid of the body by turning it into ham. But to their surprise, the ham is so popular that it may save their business.”

Sounds like Sophie and Vincent found the Motel Hell (1980) cookbook.

SIGNIFICANT OTHER / October 7, 2022 (Paramount+)

“Young couple Harry and Ruth take a remote backpacking trip through the Pacific Northwest, but things take a dark turn when they realize they may not be alone.”

Remote backpacking in the Pacific Northwest (where I walk around but don’t backpack as that seems like work), you’re either gonna run into Bigfoot or a murder bear. After watching the trailer, though, Bigfoot/M. Bear might not be what’s going on here. A hint — you’re never alone with a schizophrenic. (Nod to Ian Hunter’s 1979 album by the same name.)

THE VISITOR / October 7, 2022 (VOD)

“When Robert and his wife Maia move to her childhood home, he discovers an old portrait of his likeness in the attic — a man referred to only as ‘The Visitor.’ Soon he finds himself descending down a frightening rabbit hole in an attempt to discover the true identity of his mysterious doppelgänger, only to realize that every family has its own terrifying secrets.”

It wasn’t a portrait — it was a mirror. Sorry to soil your rabbit hole.

BLOOD RELATIVES / November 22, 2022 (Shudder™)

“Francis, a 115-year-old Yiddish vampire, still looks 35. He’s been roaming American back roads in his beat-up muscle car for decades, keeping to himself, and liking it that way. One day Jane, a teenager, shows up. She says she’s his daughter, and has the fangs to prove it. They go on the road, deciding whether to sink their teeth into family life.”

Francis has bigger problems that suddenly finding out he has a daughter who needs braces. There’s the issue of 100 years of unpaid child support.

Future Fashion, Skin It To Win It, Cartoon Cryptid

Here’s one for the WTF Files — Sideshow Collectibles is selling an exact replica of the countdown watch Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) wore in the sci-fi classic, Escape From New York (1981). The Lifeclock One Snake Edition Smartwatch Prop Replica made by Ridgewood Watch Co. certainly paid attention to the details. But presumably the watch isn’t loaded with micro-explosives that will rupture your carotid arteries if you fail some sort of mission.

From the press release: “The Lifeclock one features a countdown, 22:59’:59” (Hartford Summit configuration only), standard and military time options, the ability to program up to 8 world clocks, display the date in 1 of 5 formats, stopwatch, 18 display animations and 8 character animations. With the app you can access the smartphone camera shutter release, push notifications of incoming and missed calls, voicemails, SMS & iMessage, app notifications (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and more to come). The activity monitor tracks steps independent of your smartphone. A customizable daily alarm is also included.”

That’s a wrist-full. But here’s the real mind-blower — the oversized time piece, which doesn’t go with anything except combat spandex, is $399.00. If you’re so inclined to burn money, order yours by clicking HERE. If not, then here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rupture your carotid arteries and/or combat spandex…

THE OUTER WILD (available now)
“In this post-apocalyptic frontier western, mankind has given way to a new breed of beast, mutated from man. The survivor Laura may be the cure to these mutations but she flees to save herself. Aided by a hunter sent to catch her, she braves the dangerous unnatural wilderness in order to find a fabled refuge of freedom — and only there will she discover the fate of humanity at the end of the world.”

Apparently, this came out in September of the lost year of 2018. I must’ve been doing my laundry and the darn thing went right over my boxed detergent. As for the fabled refuge of freedom, that may be what they call it in the Apocalypse. But in the here and now we call it “7-Eleven™”.

PERFECT SKIN (August 25, 2018/UK | 2019 U.S.)
“This independent British feature film explores tattooing and body modification, and follows Katia, a young Polish woman, and her relationship with a mysterious tattoo artist — taking a dark turn as her fascination with him grows.”

I find the only way to get perfect skin is to use Scrubbing Bubbles™ followed by a moisturizing coat of floor wax. Most brands do the trick. P.S. Don’t do that — you might bump into me and get it all over my KISS t-shirt.

THE INTRUDER (2018/2019)
“A young married couple buy a beautiful Napa Valley home only to find that the man they bought it from refuses to let go of the property…and he slowly terrorizes them.”

The trailer for this one is nut house and goes straight to crazy town. And if you look closely enough, you’ll see nods to The Shining (1980) and Psycho (1960). I proclaim that to be quite cool.

MISSING LINK (April 12, 2019)
Meet Mr. Link: 8 feet tall, 630 lbs, and covered in fur, but don’t let his appearance fool you…he is funny, sweet, and adorably literal, making him the world’s most lovable legend. Tired of living a solitary life in the Pacific Northwest, Mr. Link recruits fearless explorer Sir Lionel Frost to guide him on a journey to find his long-lost relatives in the fabled valley of Shangri-La. Along with adventurer Adelina Fortnight, our fearless trio of explorers encounter more than their fair share of peril as they travel to the far reaches of the world to help their new friend.”

Normally, I wouldn’t beer fever dream of putting up an animated family film for preview, but this one’s about Bigfoot, though they don’t call him that. (Mr. Link? Yeesh.) They also give away his weight. Good thing he’s a dude; if this was a female cryptid, cartoon or not, you’d likely get your face smashed in. A safer way to skirt (sorry) the weight issue is to just say, “Why, no — all that fur doesn’t make you look at all fat.”

Batman vs. Dracula vs. James Bond, Robo-Cities, Bigfoot Returns

Batman Fights Dracula. Been looking for this movie for a million years. Here’s all I’ve been able to turn up: “Batman Fights Dracula is a 1967 color Philippines film directed by Leody M. Diaz. The cast includes Jing Abalos in the duel roles of Batman and Bruce Wayne, and Dante Rivero as Dracula, the Dark Prince himself.”

If anyone knows where I can watch this for free (okay, I’ll pony up some fun coupons, but let’s not get crazy here), let me know so I can take this one off my leaking bucking list.

Also looking for James Batman, a 1966 Filipino Batman/James Bond spoof. Besides the teaming of Batman with James Bond (and Rubin, the Boy Wonder), the premise tells us this: “An evil organization called the CLAW has threatened nuclear annihilation on the rest of the world unless all countries submit to its rule within five days. Presenting a united front, an alliance of countries tap James Bond and Batman (and Rubin/Robin) to stop the threat. However, both Bond and Batman play brinkmanship with each other, and as the hour to doomsday winds down, are eventually forced to work together. Little do the protagonists know that the real enemy is closer than they think.”

While you go out and do the research for me, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help take my mind off the likelihood that neither Batman or James Bond will be of any help. Then again, maybe Rubin can…

BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYALE (October 5, 2018)
“Seven strangers, each with a secret to bury, meet at Lake Tahoe’s El Royale, a rundown hotel with a dark past. Over the course of one fateful night, everyone will have a last shot at redemption…before everything goes to hell.”

Sounds a lot like Identity (2003), wherein 10 people who don’t know each other are stuck at a desolate Nevada motel during a gnarly rain storm. Doesn’t take long before they realize they’re being mysteriously being killed off, one at a time. I didn’t know it rained in Nevada. Learning something new every day.

MORTAL ENGINES (December 14, 2018)
“Mortal Engines is set in a post-apocalyptic steampunk world where entire cities have been mounted on wheels and motorized, and prey on one another.”

Cities on wheels fighting other cities on wheels? In your face, Transformers! For people who know how to read without moving their lips (unfortunately, I’m not a one-percenter), Mortal Engines is based on the novel of the same name by Philip Reeve. Good for him. And good for us the trailer showcases stunning visuals that makes viewers re-shape their mouth lips into a “wow” shape.

BIG LEGEND (2018)
“An ex-soldier ventures into the Pacific Northwest to uncover the truth behind his fiancée’s disappearance and finds more than bargained for after teaming up with a local hunter. 

Word around the trailer park is that Big Legend stars Adrienne Barbeau (72), former girlfriend of Swamp Thing and Lance Henriksen (78), whose locked feet with Bigfoot several times before in Sasquatch (aka, The Untold/2002) and Devil on the Mountain (aka, Sasquatch Mountain/2006). Let’s get ready to rumble!

EXORCISM AT 60,000 FEET (2018)
“On the last flight of a transatlantic passenger airliner, a demon is discovered on board.”

This is supposed to be a horror comedy, which makes sense as exorcisms are both LOL and VOL. (Vomit out loud.)Which brings me to the question: How the heck do demons get airplane tickets? You have to show ID and since demons are sometimes made of a bunch of other demons (“Legion, for we are many…”), hellspawners no doubt use counterfeit identification. And that’s totally illegal, which is probably why they’re in Purgatory in the first place. (Man, when I go off the tracks, I seem to just hit the gas.)

Bigtime Bigfoot, Erotic Horror, Giant Worms

It’s official — Bigfoot has finally made the big time. (Just kidding — BF’s always been the king.) I’m talking, though about the latest Sasquatch movie, called Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn, which makes its debut on Fathom Events’ one-night-only premier on the big screen on Tuesday, February 27, 2018. It must be a good movie for it have this kind of coming out party.

Here’s what goes down: “Lost deep in the forest of the Pacific Northwest, Ashley and Max Carr are stalked by a terrifying creature that might be Bigfoot. Soon they find themselves embroiled in a strange land of Native American myth and legend turned real. Hopelessly trying to survive, with a handful of unsavory locals, they must fight back against this monster in a desperate battle of life or death.”

Sounds cool. I hope Bigfoot turns ‘em all into outdoor oatmeal. Yeah, going to the movies has gotten really expensive over the last year. (Nearly $10 for a large popcorn? Gimme a break.) But hey, Bigfoot on a screen the size of a side of a house. Come to think of it, Bigfoot is the size of a side of a house as well. So I’m thinkin’ win/win.

If Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn isn’t playing near wherever you’re munching on a lot less expensive store-bought popcorn, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a shot at the big screen — unless you have a 60-inch TV. In which case, go about your business…

COMPULSION (March 6, 2018)
“Sadie, a budding erotic novelist, is enticed by an ex-lover to join him and an enigmatic woman named Francesca at an Italian Villa. Once there, Sadie is confronted by the demons of her past as she becomes embroiled in a surreal game of murder and betrayal.”

Possible warning: There may be naked nudity in this one. Whenever the word “erotic” is used to describe a movie, you know pants are coming off. Speaking of, time for me to go take an erotic shower.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: RUNAWAY (March 13, 2018)
“A young pregnant woman named Ruth who escapes a murderous child cult in a small Midwestern town. She then spends the next decade living anonymously in an attempt to spare her son the horrors that she experienced as a child. She lands in the small Oklahoma town…but something is following her. Now, she must confront this evil or lose her child.”

This is the 10th (!) installment of the Corn-y Children, which began its unlikely run in 1984. That another one is coming out makes about as much sense as all those Amityville Horror movie sequels (20+ —yeesh!). Was never a fan, though. I do like corn, however.

A QUIET PLACE (April 6, 2018)
“A family lives an isolated existence in utter silence, for fear of an unknown threat that follows and attacks at any sound.”

The trailer for this one is crazy cool. The family soundproofed their lives so they don’t call down whatever evil icky thing wants to deathify ‘em, going so far as to learn sign language to communicate. But what happens after a nice quiet dinner eating healthy steamed broccoli and someone farts? I’ve heard of passing gas as being “silent but deadly,” but this time it’s for real.

TREMORS: A COLD DAY IN HELL (2018)
“The sequel finds Burt Gummer and his son Travis at a remote research station, where they must go up against Graboids that have been converted into living weapons.”

The 6th installment of the people-eating underground giant worm creatures. These “Graboids” can hear you tromping around topside, hone in your dinner bell and swish — nothin’ but neck. Hey, maybe Graboids are the monsters in The Quiet Place. Food for thought. Heh.

I’m Burning, Man

Policeman Edward Malus’ (played ham-fistedly by Nicholas Cage) first mistake was using his detective-grade work to hunt down his ex-fiancée’s daughter, believed to be kidnapped and living with other “sisters” on an island in the Pacific Northwest (not far from where I live if you don’t count the stoplights).

Cage’s second mistake was wearing a bear suit while running around said island, trying to stop the “sisters” from sacrificing the daughter to a balsa wood god, ala Burning Man™.

The hippie druid, non-leg shaving chicks that run the island aren’t the type you’d ask out for a burger and a few games of coin-fueled pool before romantically feeling ’em up in the backseat of say, a 1973 Chevy Nova. No, these ladies prefer something a little more “natural” for brunch, if you catch my drift. I’m cool with that.

Bringing absolutely nothing new to the table (1973’s Wicker Man was way more way cool), Cage finds out 92 minutes too late it wasn’t the daughter they were gonna sacrificially roast to the gods that make vegetables grow, but him all along.

Even though The Wicker Man/2006) laughably stinks, it at least prepared Cage for his role as the burning-skulled title character in Ghost Rider (2007). Some would call it Method Acting.

Insane Asylums, Demonic Bigfoot, Jungle Gods

If someone on the beach started screaming and pointing towards the water and yelling there’s the Loch Ness Monster, would you look? If you were in Scotland you would. I won’t be falling for that one again.

Here’s some upcoming horror you won’t have to go to Scotland to see…

THE HERETICS (February 14, 2017 / European Film Market)
“A young girl is abducted by a man after he claims that a cult is hunting her. His goal is to protect her until sunrise but while restrained, the young girl falls deathly ill. While her friends and family search for her, the source of her illness becomes more and more apparent. She’s not sick…she’s changing.”

Based on that press release, this is the same plot as Midnight Special (2016). I don’t think she’s changing into a ball of light alien like that kid in MS. I wouldn’t be opposed to that, though. Wish I could do that; I’d save a fortune on light bulbs.

THE INSTITUTE (March 3, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“Based on true events a 19th Century young woman who, due to grief following the untimely death of her parents, voluntarily checks herself into a mental institute. While there she is subjected to bizarre, pseudo-scientific experiments in personality modification, brainwashing and mind control.”

Those techniques, while pioneered in the 19th Century, have been refined and modernized for the 20th Century. Today we call experiments in personality modification, brainwashing and mind control “Happy Hour.”

DIG TWO GRAVES (March 24, 2017/Theater/VOD)
“Set in the 1970s, the pic follows 13-year-old Jacqueline Mather who, after losing her brother in a mysterious drowning accident, soon is visited by three moonshiners who offer to bring her brother back to life but at a grim cost.”

I’m gonna have to side with the moonshiners here. If you can’t trust someone who makes illegal booze, what does that say about us as a civilized society?

DEVIL IN THE DARK (2017)
“When estranged brothers Adam and Clint attempt to reconnect over a week-long hunting trip in remote British Columbia, they find the tables turned by a mysterious presence lurking in the forest.”

The mysterious presence in the Pacific Northwest woods can only be one of three things: Bigfoot, Bigfoot’s mother’s brother’s cousin or a Wendigo thingamajig. Or maybe it’s a Magic Bigfoot who dabbles in the Dark Arts. Yeah, I’m goin’ with that one.

KONG: SKULL ISLAND (March 10, 2017)
The latest Kong: Skull Island ad poster is a nice homage to 1979’s Apocalypse Now. Got me thinking — what other similarities are there? In Apocalypse Now a military colonel goes rogue, kills a bunch of people and builds a kingdom for himself deep in the Viet Nam jungles.

In Kong: Skull Island, a giant rogue gorilla kills a bunch of people and builds himself a kingdom deep in the jungles of Skull Island.

My bad — totally different.

Kaijus, Bigfoot and Future Cephalopods

 

The butt-numbing cold and saturating winter rain of 2017 in Seattle has been conducive to staying indoors and watching horror movies. You could couch out to other types of movies, but horror/sci-fi seems to vibe with the doom and gloom outside. While there are no sharknadoes or lavalantulas shooting out of our local volcanoes (we have several), just the thought of going outside and getting my hair messed up by the wind and/or rain goons me out. Call me indoor face. I’ll come out of my burrow when the sun arrives, which is usually around July.

Here’s some upcoming bad weather movies to watch indoors…

COLOSSAL (April, 2017)
“A woman moves back home after losing her job and being dumped by her boyfriend. Her life takes a sudden turn when a giant kaiju-like creature appears in South Korea and she begins to suspect she may be connected to it.”

The trailer makes this one look like a comedy. Giant monsters are not funny, dang it. Unless its the Giant Claw, who looks like a puppet made by someone on drugs. The hook for Colossal is that whatever the main chick (Anne Hathaway) does, the monster mimics it. Let’s hope she doesn’t start doing kegels.

ATTACK OF THE CYBER OCTOPUSES (Kickstarter/in-progress)
“Neo-Berlin, 2079. A dark, rain-soaked city held by mega corporations where the only enjoyment in life is connecting to cyberspace and taking ‘Binary Trip,’ a cyber drug that fries your neurons but promises a feeling better than a hundred orgasms at once. In this setting, a team of crack cyberspace detectives are investigating a new menace: an army of cyber octopuses that are terrorizing the city.”

This one’s trying to crowd-fund its way into your hearts and homes as of this posting. Checking under the couch cushions for spare bitcoins. I’d donate real money, but I live in Seattle, which is built around the super wet Elliott Bay, which is teeming with our own octopuses. They’re quite friendly. Just be careful when petting them; They might act all buddy-buddy and squishy, but while they’re hugging you, one of their spare arms always goes for the wallet.

LAUNDRY MAN (Available now/Amazon Prime/VOD)
“Laundry Man is the story about a clumsy serial killer. It is partly based on the crimes committed by American serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer and those committed by the Belgian-Hungarian pastor, Andras Pandy.”

Watched the trailer — more splatter on the platter. The main chick appears to not be wearing a bra. As such, you’ll need permission from your parent(s) or legal guardian(s) to watch this. Wonder where they got the idea for their ad art? Seems vaguely familiar…

PRIMAL RAGE: THE LEGEND OF OH-MAH (post-production/2017)
“A newly reunited young couple’s drive through the Pacific Northwest turns into a nightmare as they are forced to face nature, unsavory locals, and a monstrous creature known to the Native Americans as Oh-Mah.”

I live in the Pacific Northwest. How dare you call we locals unsavory? We’re loaded with savor. As for the monstrous creature Oh-Mah, never heard of him/her/it. Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Wood Ape/Harry Henderson, of course. But this other pretender to the throne should do what we tell tourists to do — buy our locally made goods and then get the truck outta here. A little rough? Nope. For us it’s quite savory.

Map of Monsters

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.

 

China’s Chinese Bigfoot

I’m always down for a new home movie/found footage/blockbuster about Bigfoot, but my fur stands on edge when they can’t even get the advertising one-sheet right.

Take China Bigfoot: Legend of the Yeren (2015), a family-friendly take on our woodsy BFF. That’s the title according to the movie’s Facebook page and press release. So why does the movie poster say Chinese Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren? It’s total B.S. like this that just ruin my life and everything I may or may not stand for.

The Yeren is also known as “Wild Man.” I know a lot of drinking buddies who go by the same name, usually around last call. Often seen in the Taibai Mountains, Yeren is to China what Bigfoot is to the Pacific Northwest, except Yeren is alleged to be a red head. That seems weird to me.

Anyway, here’s what goes down in China/Chinese Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren: “Chinese teenager Shi Kang and his American tutor, Denise, crash land in the remote mountains of China. After being rescued from the plane wreckage by a giant, ape-like creature, they eventually befriend the mysterious Yeren. But a group of poachers are hot on the Yeren’s trail, and now it’s up to Shi Kang and Denise to help protect their new friend.”

Man, I freakin’ hope Shi Kang and Denise thwart those a-hole poachers and send Yeren on his merry way. That MIGHT make me forget about the filmmaker’s inability to pick a lane for the title and drive in it.